[happydisaster]

Originally Posted by BellaFiga

IN WHICH I GIVE UP ON THE IDEA

I had a period in 1976. I was so utterly horrified by this that I had my breasts cut off. Due to that and eating only small pieces of dill and drinking Illy coffee for the last 30 odd years, it is possible that I may be slightly less than fertile.

I have harvested the swimmers of every alpha male in my radius, sometimes going to the extreme measure of removing the sperm from their wife's vagina. All to no avail. My fashionably thin uterus remains empty.

Of course I would have been a wonderful mother. Just look at how good I am with animals! I would have given my babies holistic alpine milk and got the vet in when they had footrot from sleeping in a wet barn.

It was never to be. Instead, all these drippingly fertile airheads sprog aggressively in my face and then ASK FOR MATERNITY LEAVE. WHY? WHY? Do they not know that having a job in the media takes priority over that THING IN THE COT.

I have had to work nineteen times harder than anyone ever, because of these women and their splurging uteruses.

If it had been me I'd be like that woman in Strasbourg, lovingly cradling my vegan offspring in the front row of Versace, if I wasn't banned for life.

LOLS but surely..... you mean 'buttery-soft leather' vegan offspring, price tagged at £26k each, who only eat Selfridges vegan organic cows milk and vegan eggs?

[happydisaster]

Originally Posted by Fatsia

She doesn't just bang on about herself, Nirps and animals though, although I take your point about it being a blessing she has no feral children to pimp out. But caught in her crosshairs before have been her sisters, her mum and dad, the gardener, the locals in Dulverton, India Knight, her ex-friend who married IK, the friends who had the audacity to cook bacon the same day they'd invited her for dinner, Kirsty Allsopp, the awful White British Men who have the misfortune to deliver to her house, the police who insultingly fail to salute her, kind strangers who carry her bags then dump them somewhere convenient........ There are lots lots lots more - basically everybody she has ever had any contact with

Good points but trust me I know all about Jones and have been a longstanding critic of her repulsive self. I mean the fact that she mentions Nirps by PROXY in this weeks dreary..... wow how low can she sink? She has poked and provoked and prodded at him for years, not once has he responded. So now she INVENTS a third party who allegedly relays his thoughts to her. Personally I don't believe a word of it but really she's hit an all time low on the provocation because it would be so hard for Nirps to resist responding to this. I sincerely hope he doesn't.

As much as Sibary is revolting because her daughter really does exist and she really does pimp her via the DM, I dread to think what horrific psychological and psychiatric damage Jones could have done to a child. It really is a blessing that she never spawned and is now too old.

[happydisaster]

Originally Posted by cathrin

Today's MoS column reads like the ramblings of someone who doesn't realise anyone's listening! Don't they have editors to read through copy and say "Umm, this really doesn't make any sense, and even if it did, it's not appropriate to use a column for personal grievance-airing and general ranting about everyone you've ever fallen out with!" The paragraph about her sister(s) is breathtakingly weird and bitter:

It’s a sometimes difficult way to live your life devoid of real human contact or commitment, but it avoids those crashing moments of revelation when the blood in your veins turns to ice – like the time when you’re on the phone to your lawyer, the lovely lady who handled your divorce, and she tells you, after trying to resolve a quarrel between you and your sister that ended in you giving her a house: ‘Don’t trust your other sister, either. When I was on the phone negotiating, I could hear her talking in the background, betraying you.’



Can you believe this? It's staggering to think that (a) she wrote this for her column and (b) it was passed by her editor as suitable for publication. The preceding bit, outlining her various earnings over several years, is really odd, too, as is her cast-iron certainty that HER distorted and twisted experience of family relationships is entirely typical. (Families are toxic, apparently. All of them.)

Are we all supposed to nod sympathetically in recognition of this situation, perhaps ruefully remembering the time when we, too, bought our sister a house and then engaged in a bizarre conversation with a lovely lawyer who warned us that she'd overheard our other sister in the background, betraying us? Who could fail to identify with such a scenario? We've all been there, after all...

ETA: The Diary is equally weird. All that stuff about her ex husband and the journalist wanting to spend a year with her....What???? And I do wish she'd look up the phrase "passive-aggressive" and find out what it actually means. Or more importantly, what it doesn't mean.

It has long since been my opinion that either Jones submits her copy SOoo late that it has to go straight to print sans proof-read or editing -or- she has got the DM Editor so badly by the bollox he can't get out of whatever deal she's blackmailed him into. No-one in their right mind would publish her garbage, especially in this economic climate. There is no decent explanation, therefore something frankly indecent has occurred.

As for pulling apart her glaring errors, well, it's not really worth it. There are far too many and yes indeed, she fails to actually know the meaning of many words and phrases she uses. That goes without saying.

[happydisaster]

Originally Posted by astor

I'm not sure what those who continue to read & commentate negatively about Liz Jones feel that the role of a columnist actually is.
I've always assumed there will be massive amounts of exaggeration , hugely provocative commentary and a very large amount of egotism involved.

Her diary is what it is. Provocative, egotistical, sometimes cringeworthy, often cruel, sad from time to time, funny (yes,funny!) other times, maybe not always consistent , often verging on the absurd, sometimes beautifully expressed and other times a mish mash.
She still attracts a huge readership and loads of commentary so presumably is worth her continued employment and whatever fine salary the Mail chose to pay her.

Your points are not true actually. Jones no longer attracts a huge readership, the number of comments are negligible compared to other columns and articles published by other authors. Indeed the vast majority of comments are also extremely negative. It is also rumoured that she only maintains her employment due to some underhand agreement she reached with Paul Dacre.

As for funny, aside from 'funny peculiar', you're well and truly on your own on that one. Beautifully expressed, ditto.

[happydisaster]

Originally Posted by astor

Fair play. But I have to laugh here. You profess to really not liking Ms Jones but here you are on a Sunday night reading and commentating about her. And that is why she is worth so much money.

Hardly. There are hundreds more people commenting on the Jimmy Saville thread and it sure aint because he's popular.

She's not 'worth so much money', she knows well that she's at the end of her little earning spree and she is in fact of zero future value - if she WAS of any value she'd have been offered a book deal. She hasn't. No one wants her on TV and no one wants to publish her. The DM will not be able to continue to justify her costs and she will be on ESA. Where she belongs.

[sunstone]

[quote=happydisaster;64182822]Hardly. There are hundreds more people commenting on the Jimmy Saville thread and it sure aint because he's popular.

Well that about sums it up
,I personally have quite a low opinion of her but I read her dreary for the shock and for the fun on here.
Why the disastrous marriage of the Huhnes (sp) leads to more abuse of her own family is something only LJ will know..
I hope she has finally put the bliddy horse to sleep.

[Saltydog1955]

After Victoria Beckham’s show for spring/summer 2013, I’ve longed to snap up the black cocktail dress with sheer décolletage.

I signed up for an email alert at MyTheresa.com. On Sunday, I received one. I logged on. There was my dress! I paid £1,850.

‘Your dress has been dispatched!’ said the email. On Monday, I got another. ‘We need you to scan your passport and the back of your credit card, and fax or email the documents to us.’ I called them. I listened to a recorded voice for 33 minutes.

Finally, someone answered. I told her I don’t have a scanner or printer so can’t do as they ask. ‘Do you have a friend with a scanner?’ ‘No!’ ‘Then we can’t process the transaction.’

I slammed the phone down. 0/10

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ollection.html

How odd that a woman who claims to be broke and allegedly owes money to people back in Dulverton can afford nearly 1900 quid for a dress.

''I slammed the phone down.''
No change there then in her treatment of the ''little people''. Snotty, awful old baggage.

[coldcomfort]

What the hell was yesterday's Dreary about? It wasn't written 'By Liz Jones's Diary' so I assume she concocted it herself; hastily typed between episodes of SATC, a haze of bubbly and cats' arses weaving around her. She stated her USP is that she's funny and people know that. I have never laughed at anything she's scrawled; snorted in derision, yes, but that's it. She's certainly got a bee in her bonnet that she doesn't come across as warm, witty and uproariously funny, but they're her imagined traits that only her small band of admirers seem to latch on to. On planet Mills and Boon, her phantom boyfriend steers her by the small of her back. Yes, and he probably scribes her odes by candlelight and drapes his cloak over puddles for her. She also claims she's not 'a 32-year-old babe with a misplaced sense of importance'. For once she's bang on the money; she's a 54-year-old crone with an outrageously misplaced sense of importance.

[cathrin]

It's amazing how the nastiness simply oozes out of everything she writes. Even in a so-called fashion article, she still finds time for a gratuitous spiteful dig at a young woman's skin problems, and an anecdote that ends "I slammed the phone down" to remind us just how charmingly she deals with people in call centres.

Originally Posted by happydisaster

I mean the fact that she mentions Nirps by PROXY in this weeks dreary..... wow how low can she sink? She has poked and provoked and prodded at him for years, not once has he responded. So now she INVENTS a third party who allegedly relays his thoughts to her. Personally I don't believe a word of it

Unbelievable isn't it? There's something massively narcissistic--and pathetically sad-- about the fact that she imagines (and expects us to believe) that her ex husband sits around telling people about her in such complimentary and glowing terms! Yes, there he is, many years after the divorce, spending his evening praising her warmth, wit and general delightfulness. (...The very same qualities her "fans" (cough ) so often bang on about in the Comments section, while remaining strangely unable to quote a single example of this warmth and wit actually manifesting itself, no matter how many times they are asked to do so.)

There's one paragraph in the MoS article that I'm still scratching my head over: what on earth is this supposed to be saying?

It’s not the put-downs, which rain down on your head like rice as you emerge, blinking, from the vestry (and as soon as the celebratory rice, actually).




What does this mean? It's absolute nonsense!

ETA: How about that for great minds thinking alike, coldcomfort....we were both posting at the same moment to make the same point about her mythical wit and warmth!

(Incidentally, she must be the only writer in the country who (a) doesn't possess a printer and (b) doesn't mind admitting it!

[cathrin]

Originally Posted by coldcomfort

What the hell was yesterday's Dreary about? It wasn't written 'By Liz Jones's Diary' so I assume she concocted it herself; hastily typed between episodes of SATC, a haze of bubbly and cats' arses weaving around her. She stated her USP is that she's funny and people know that. I have never laughed at anything she's scrawled; snorted in derision, yes, but that's it. She's certainly got a bee in her bonnet that she doesn't come across as warm, witty and uproariously funny, but they're her imagined traits that only her small band of admirers seem to latch on to. :

Yes, this really seems to be bothering her...and let's face it, if even her agent can only say that "people don't realise she's funny" then there really is a problem! She seems convinced that she's hilariously amusing and witty, and the problem is that people just don't realise it. ....Which probably explains the endless supportive gushings from "fans" on the Comments page repeating over and over again that they find her funny, warm and witty; the very traits that she keeps on trying to tell us she possesses if we could but see it.

[sunstone]

[quote=cathrin;64188722




There's one paragraph in the MoS article that I'm still scratching my head over: what on earth is this supposed to be saying?

[I]It’s not the put-downs, which rain down on your head like rice as you emerge, blinking, from the vestry (and as soon as the celebratory rice, actually).


[/i]

What does this mean? It's absolute nonsense!

She watches too much SATC,we use confetti here not rice.
I assume she means all wives are subjected to verbal abuse from the minute they sign the registry.

LJ is incredibly witty.especially when wishing her mother dead and airing her sister's business to the world.Bitch

[coldcomfort]

Like I previously said, I've never laughed at any of LJ's scribblings, but the likes of cathrin's, sunstone's and others' writing never fail to amuse. Please keep the comments coming folks, as they are funny. And astor, a challenge for you. Could you submit a selection of LJ's 'hilarious' annecdotes and let us know where we're all going wrong? There's plenty of scope as she's slagged off, oh, sorry, made jokey, kitten cuddly remarks (tongue in cheek, always) about many people. I bet they're not laughing though, when at the receiving end of those. And please don't use the old 'if you don't like her, don't read her' argument. It works both ways - if you don't like negative comments on her so-called work, don't read them.

[Fatsia]

I think she has confused 'funny' with 'laughable'

[Becky Sharpe]

Originally Posted by coldcomfort

... I assume she concocted it herself; hastily typed between episodes of SATC, a haze of bubbly and cats' arses weaving around her....

<<snort>>

[Becky Sharpe]

Originally Posted by mivvykins

There's an interesting interview posted a couple of months ago on Youtube I've just watched where Liz meets someone from Mumsnet at a Blogfest.
Interview here: http://youtu.be/NM6ZMcUkXhk

..

LJ lives in her own little world, doesn't she? [ 'Daily Mail Island'? ]

[Badcat]

Maybe as a child she ate paint chips to keep thin? Only real reason I can think of for her being so odd as lead paint can be very bad for you!

[Becky Sharpe]

yikes - error - sorry

[sunstone]

LJ in an Aretha stylie..

The moment I wake up (covered in pilchards and poo),

Before I put on my make up ( oh well it's all tattoos so sod that
)
i say a little prayer for you (Paul D,God of money).

While combing my hair now, ( have to cover the baldy bit),

And wondering what dress to wear now (can't wear bodycon due to breast hacking,adidas trackie will do.)

I say a little prayer for you.( Nirpal who agreed to mutual abuse and made me a fortune),

(chorus) (just do Liz worship)

I run for the bus dear ( that is the witty Liz you all miss).

While running I think of us dear( well I had a chuckle whilst sat in my limo),

I say a little prayer for you etc ( sucker),

At work I just take time ( to bark at the underlings),

And all through my coffee break time,(bliddy mums ringing home...grrr)
I say a little prayer for you.( oh phantom of the rocky star,please do be my very own......)

Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart ( unlike my family)

and I will love you forever (sort of ),and ever,we never will part. ( unless you part your sweaty legs around my expensive sheets).

To live without you would only mean heartbreak to me ...( oh darling sheepydoggy Michael,my one and only love...or was that the wabbit?.)

[astor]

Originally Posted by coldcomfort

Like I previously said, I've never laughed at any of LJ's scribblings, but the likes of cathrin's, sunstone's and others' writing never fail to amuse. Please keep the comments coming folks, as they are funny. And astor, a challenge for you. Could you submit a selection of LJ's 'hilarious' annecdotes and let us know where we're all going wrong? There's plenty of scope as she's slagged off, oh, sorry, made jokey, kitten cuddly remarks (tongue in cheek, always) about many people. I bet they're not laughing though, when at the receiving end of those. And please don't use the old 'if you don't like her, don't read her' argument. It works both ways - if you don't like negative comments on her so-called work, don't read them.

A challenge for me ! Yet again I have to laugh.
Why on earth should I supply with you "annecdotes" about why I enjoy Liz Jones..
She's funny -Sorry, none of you are. End of story.

[Saltydog1955]

Originally Posted by astor

A challenge for me ! Yet again I have to laugh.
Why on earth should I supply with you "annecdotes" about why I enjoy Liz Jones..
She's funny -Sorry, none of you are. End of story.

She's funny 'peculiar' - certainly not 'haha', and the stuff written here is a darn sight funnier than anything Jones could produce.

It's 'anecdotes', not 'annecdotes', and frankly with the tone of that remark you sound to have a bit of an attitude problem.

Attitude problem.......hmmmmm. Now who do we know that's like that?

I've got it! 'astor', you are Liz Jones and I claim my five pounds.

[fitnessqueen]

Originally Posted by astor

A challenge for me ! Yet again I have to laugh.
Why on earth should I supply with you "annecdotes" about why I enjoy Liz Jones..
She's funny -Sorry, none of you are. End of story.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#axzz2KlfN6zZ6

What's funny or enjoyable about this article?

I have actually narrowed down my dislike to mums who are middle class and above, and who gave birth to their first child in their 30s and 40s. Why? Because women who wait until their eggs have shrivelled to have a child are selfish.

Older women are either cooing over their surprise late progeny, showing you the child’s tiny, rabbit-covered cot sheets, or – and I have witnessed this many times – they treat the male child like a husband. They ask for his advice and turn up at social events with him – the real spouse has probably made off with a woman who hasn’t lost all definition in her stomach and brain.

Well, apart from the divorce, I know what it is to have an older mum. Mine had me when she was in her 40s. She was disabled, too, so my only memory of her when I was growing up was one of fatigue and pain. She never once spoke to me about sex, or boys, or bras. I was always afraid she was going to die; now, given her dementia, I’m afraid she won’t.

Sorry I have to pop off to A&E now as my sides have actually split from laughing at the hilarity of it all....

[Mommie Dearest]

Originally Posted by astor

A challenge for me ! Yet again I have to laugh.
Why on earth should I supply with you "annecdotes" about why I enjoy Liz Jones..
She's funny -Sorry, none of you are. End of story.

I asked you this before Astor and you ignored it:

do you honestly think it's "funny" to poke fun at people with learning disabilities and autism as your beloved Liz Jones does....?

I await your answer.

*tumbleweed*

[Mommie Dearest]

PS I think the posters on here are hilarious and witty - unlike the lizardy one.

[Fatsia]

So says she's being "warm and funny" and - what was it? Oh yes - "kind, and never spiteful".

Do you think the parents of Jo Yeates would agree?

Or her family? Whose tragedies, foibles and flaws have been tipped out and sneered at by Liz for the world to 'agree with'

Or the Somalis? Or Mums? Single men? Real animal lovers?

In all honesty, she doesn't offend me personally. But I am deeply offended on behalf of those she uses just for another cheap story, and I'm insulted at the lies she tells - the vegan with buttery soft leather bags; the 'single' woman with an alleged Rock Star who is still awaiting a response to his proposal; the woman who insists that alone is the best way to spend the holidays then bemoans the fact that nobody 'bothered' to visit her; the woman who is SO broke she only managed to buy £600 of Chanel make up; the woman who had a ticket to Australia to visit her alleged boyfriend/fiance but couldn't use it to visit her dying nephew........ I could go on but you get my point.

Warm, funny, kind.....?

[Saltydog1955]

As I didn't have much to do this morning, I looked at astor's profile. Sad I know.

Not sure of their gender but from their past postings they appear to be Scottish.

Are they the piggy eyed person with the buzz-cut who wore leggings and filled stadia back in the 80's?