This is the best Liz quote ever......

"Fake diamonds that were so small as to become permanently stuck in my earholes pierced by an Essex gun in a chemist's when I was a teenager because my family was too proletarian for me to know about the superiority of needle piercing."

Honestly, it makes you want to weep (with laughter)

Seconded! Bravo Suzy_Cat



What's the mad bat on about? I had my ears pierced with a gun thing when I was 12, I'm nearly 50 now (oooh it's painful writing that ) and I've never, ever had an earring disappear into the hole! Methinks that Liz has worn a lot of heavy, dangly earrings which have stretched her lobes. I think I must be proleteriat too, the only 'needle' ear piercing I know about is the thin sewing needle and cork method that my grandmother used to pierce hers - ouch!

LOL I should clarify that the gun in the chemist's part is entirely my own invention.

But it seems likely. Nobody rates gun piercings, dahling. I am sure if Liz knew that she would agree.

The "my husband's diamond studs were so tiny that they got stuck in my piercings" is all Liz though. I don't quite see how that's possible. An ear piercing has a front and a back and if a thing is so small as to disappear in your lobe you can push it through.

Maybe it wasn't the piercing in her ears.

My head must be full of marshmallows! I'd read your brilliant satire of Liz but my feeble brain didn't register the quote to you

Just goes to show how high my opinion of Liz is that in my haste to comment I believed it was an actual Liz quote where she was being sh!tty about her family as per

But I have been meaning to mention the disappearing studs. She's definitely been over-wearing heavy, dangly earrings if small earrings are disappearing in there but like you say, how is it possible? Has the diamond parted from the post? Or is she just talking crap?




But what a crying shame the Elderly Baker doesn't have you as his adviser then he could have passed off the £29.99 ebay ring with:

"It is a vegan ring," he said with dignity. "I did not want to insult our love nor the thousands upon thousands of people killed in the quest for blood diamonds by giving you a real stone. Nor did I wish to think of the planet being raped for gold while tiny bunnies, birds and foxes are rendered homeless by man's thoughtless cruelty and avarice ..."

Brilliant

I over-wore long heavy earrings in the 80s, which is why I have slits rather than dainty holes in my lobes now, and I suspect a lot of studs WOULD go right through if the butterfly fell off them - but I've never liked stud earrings anyway. And there would be no need for hospital treatment!

It can and does happen. Mr Kivi caught one of his earrings on his watch through the night and it was pulled through into his lobe. We couldn't get it to budge and there was blood everywhere so went down to a&e to get it removed. I thought it was hilarious for some reason

Although of course this is Thin Lizzie we're talking about here, where everything in her life is tragic, dramatic, undesirable and unlikely. I'm surprised she's not doing a Katie Price and comparing his man-parts to an acorn and waggling her pinky finger...

Unless I've missed that diary

Yeah, I am just pointing out that if you have dangly earring damage an earring WILL go through with comparative ease.

I get that Nirpal was a tosser but I still feel a bit sorry for him, on the basis of all the slagging off of his gifts etc. Some people just aren't rich or extravagant and any woman who still thinks lavish presents are the sole measure of a loved one's feelings at nearly 60 is a sad person indeed.

I'm sure you all recall Dscrace's response, when faced with the never-ending stream of rubbish: "It's OK, it's only entertainment, innit?". Using this catch-all excuse, he tells us all the deal... she can write what she likes about him and he'll keep mum, thus assuring her that she can spout and spout unchallenged and he gets a warm glass to drop his teeth into of an evening. He has sold his soul for a bit of comfort in his dotage.

The Daily Fail appears to be about polemic and judgement in order to garner readers. How else could Liz Jones have survived this long ?

Why doesn't Paul Dacre employ a ghost-writer to critique Liz's ramblings each week ? After all that's what we're doing posting to Digital-Spy... and this is where people come for the 'truth' about Lizard... including 'Dscrace'.

Mr Dacre appears to be interested in nothing more than sales and validation of his own ego, and that's why he employs Liz on a ridiculous retainer.

If I were him I'd employ Jan Moir or someone like her from this board to give an alternative view of Lizard's ramblings... The results would be truly polemic and I don't doubt that circulation would take-off...

Something nagging at the back of my head - the obsession with SATC and the moulding the baker to be a recurring character in the SATC episode in her head

Could it be that the dreary is actually cancelled with the ending being Liz and the baker riding off into the sunset? I cannot imagine a marriage working out - given the way she treats her

What I have always failed to understand is why does nobody in the UK every see Lizard out and about?

No papp'd pictures of her leaving events, no sightings of her at galleries, etc.

No comings or goings from Marks and Sparks.

At time I wonder if she is even real. Or is the black hair a wig and she dresses differently.

No gas station attendants selling their "Liz Jones is a rude twunt who mocks people" reports. No happy Cockney cabbies selling snaps of her snogging the baker in the back of a taxi.

Wait, I apologize for that last one. All the brain bleach in the world won't make it better.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...y-say-yes.html

I don't believe a word of it

Me neither. It is beyond a parody of SATC. They are both having a laugh.

What a lot of bollocks

I was waiting for her to say she'd stepped into a pile of doggy poo ... after all, didn't her beloved Carrie do just that as she ponced around Paris?

Well I'm DELIGHTED for the happy couple. Delighted. Especially if the now piss off into the slightly greying sunset.

In the Mail (main paper) it has an announcement to check out Liz's big revelation which will change her life. I was expecting her to announce she was changing sex, becoming a nun or had renounced her veganism for a three bird roast from Asda, but it was just the engagement? Have I missed something?

And of course she dated a World Famous Rock Star for several years without even a blurry mobile phone picture seeing the light of day....

In which Liz gets everything she ever wanted and Bee Whatserhandle still has to draw a 30-years-out-of-date cartoon of her looking like her horse just came back to life so it could die in front of her because she's so bloody miserable about it.

I fear many years of the snippish argumentative lives of Darby and Joan. May the light in the bathroom never be fixed.

There was a photo of her outside a fashion thing once. It was a few years ago though.

Wow Suzy that's very profound.

Although there's more chance of David's bathroom light being fixed than the bats being released from Lizard's belfry.

I've noticed that none of my posts to the Daily Mail appear to have been posted on any topic or from any of my devices since I mentioned the words 'Paul Dacre'. It could be a coincidence of course, and I may have things wrong...

Holy shit, she actually looks happy!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ey-No-way.html

Aside from stuff like this -

"David, whom I first met at a party in 1983, and met again only a year ago..."

Err, no, actually, you had a very stilted reunion with him back in 2007, or thereabouts -

is there actually any point in reading the Dreary any more. She's broken the cardinal rule: she's become boring, so predictable.

Oh, the pics in the other article ? I split my sides laughing. No, really, I did: such hilarity, such wit.

FFS...