IN WHICH I WANT TO SPICE THINGS UP
So, February the 14th was looming. I wondered what David would buy me on only our second Valentine’s Day together. All those lonely, wasted years since that day when I lent him my tennis bat then waited patiently for him to bring it back. I’d dyed my hair a lovely Midnight Storm colour and I’d had my breasts cut off so my British Home Stores sweater would hang better. I waited and waited, among my piles of old Vogue magazines, but he never came. And I didn’t get my tennis bat back.
Hmm, I wondered what to give him as a Valentine’s Day present, now that at last, at last, he was mine. So I bought him a lovely gift to mark the romantic day - a buttery soft, vegan, caramel suede lavatory seat, to go with the very expensive new light that Pimlico Plumbers installed – his Christmas present from me to brighten up the bathroom of his Brixton hovel . Leather lavatory seats are very ‘In’ – even Prince Charles has one that he takes everywhere. I don’t think he actually carries it himself, looped over his royal arm - I expect that he probably has servants to do that; I think they’re called ‘varlets’.
And I decided that along with the suede lavatory seat, I’d give him another lovely surprise on Valentine’s Day – I’d drive him wild in the bedroom! To get some ideas, I visited Screen on the Green to see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. I loved the book – it’s really great literature, a modern classic and it so reminds me of the wonderful books I write.
There was a bit of a kerfuffle at Screen on the Green over taking Michael in with me. I kept trying to explain that he was my Hearing Dog and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the film without him. Eventually I had to go nuclear and shout ‘Do you know who I am?’ and the girl, in her nasty Next dress and cheap shoes said no she didn’t, so I said she should telephone the Daily Mail so she did but then came back and told me that no-one there had ever heard of me... but by now the queue of people behind me was getting a bit nasty, so she slammed my ticket down on the counter and waved me and Michael through, muttering a word that I couldn’t make out – did I tell you I’m deaf?
I sat down to enjoy the film, with a carton of cabbage water and a bumper pack of Brussels sprout scratching. It’s a really great film, a modern classic and when Hollywood makes a film of my book I want Beyoncé to star in it, as me, and Hattie Jacques can act the part of the Garnier Fructis woman and Michael Jackson can play The Rock Star, and I fancy Marlon Brando as the male lead, but no butter, of course, as everyone knows I’m a vegan – maybe a dash or two of organic cold-pressed rapeseed oil instead.
Anyway, that’s all in the future, my agent is negotiating film rights, or he was, before he dum ... before I fired him. But back to the film ... I was really getting into it when suddenly an usherette person was flashing a torch at me. She said people were complaining about Michael. I told her that he was my Hearing Dog and I couldn’t enjoy the film without him but she said never mind that, did I realise that he was humping the leg of the woman sitting the other side of him? ‘I AM DEAF!’ I shouted at her. ‘YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME ...’ I went on to explain how us gravely disabled are discriminated against all the time and it’s not fair and what about OUR rights and ... but I was interrupted by the woman the other side of Michael screaming that he now had his nose right up her skirt. I pointed out that if she was stupid enough to wear a skirt from M & S, she was asking for it and I was just about to explain that a nice VB skirt in charcoal grey cashmere accessorised with a Dior snakeskin belt would be far more suitable, teamed with a Prada black silk shirt and Versace shoe-boots, but I didn’t get a chance, because the cinema manager came along and he and the usher person threw me and Michael out of the place.
Still, what I did see of the film gave me some good ideas – white lilies are very IN, it seems so I bought a bunch from the forecourt of the garage where I stopped for petrol for my new Mercedes convertible – did I tell you about my new Mercedes convertible with its wire wheels and go-faster stripes?
Back in David’s flat, I was arranging the lilies in a vase when I noticed that Michael was behaving oddly. In fact, he was being a bit of a pest ... it was lucky I was wearing my Dolce et Gabbana very firmly zipped up onesie otherwise I may have needed to be a bit firm with him ... could it be that Fifty Shades has Given Him Ideas? Oh dear - why does it always happen to me? Why why WHY?