you forgot getting sacked from Marie Claire for putting plus sized (size 12) models in it Suzy

I haven't commented for ages as her Dreary has been beyond parody.

However, what's the betting that her next entry will be all about the Valentine's Day from Hell, with everything going wrong and it being the fault of D. Scrace?

No doubt she'll say she never wants to see him again and drops hints about her latest crush the imaginary film star aka the Invisible Man.

The following week no doubt the 'romance of the century' will be back on again.

Oh I wish, but I think we've a few other episodes to happen first as we are usually treated to a 6 week period of grace!

Wonder when she will cotton on to the fact that D Scrace has noticed her elbows, hence no bathroom light at his place!

Wonder when she will tell us when she's selling the house, why Nic went and who with?

D Scrace is frankly stupid if he's happy to be portrayed as an idiot - either that or the Mail is paying him a lot of money!

O

As I haven't the foggiest idea of what a crepey skinned elbow is am imagining something that's somewhere between creepy and crappy. Close ? No ?

As usual it's beyond me why David still cares. Unless he's stricken with Stockholm Syndrome, that's the only sane answer I can think of.

Why David still cares? Money, that's the only answer that makes sense to me, I am afraid!

Just what does Lizzard do for her money, apart from her dreary there's only 3 articles on the Mail website for this year? Why's she travelling here there and everywhere for no good reason?

Do you seriously believe there's a financial compensation offered for the loss of dignity incurred by the Baker ?

I can't imagine a man involved in a slightly famous business venture agreeing to it, as we all know her insults, nay pointed insults appear to have damaged his professional credibility, harming the business and by association others involved there too. That he would be profitting and complicit in harming lively hoods. How would he face them.

To my way of thinking he lacks her cruel hard streak which is why I am convinced he's too soft to be knowingly that ruthless but he has given her fer too much ammo on people from his life, more out of foolishness than villainy.

But I could be very very wrong
Last edited by Ade_Lw : 24-02-2016 at 01:42

Doesn't she do articles for an airline or something similar, which involves all the travel and posh hotels or has that all over now ?
What a cushy number that was !

Going back to David, what a shock it must have been when the once shy maiden of yesteryear first got out the claws. How must it have felt when he finally realised there was ice not blood in those veins. Don't know that he has ever got over it and that's the moment he morphed into the masochist.

Her Wikipedia page claims she writes for BA's High Life magazine, but the only article by her on their website was published in 2010 (about Lizzard's trip to Hong Kong, which she detailed in the Fail around the same time.) So it seems she hasn't written for them for some time - unless she writes for another airline now?

I don't think she writes for anybody but the MoS any more. As you say, BA High Life haven't used her in 5-6 years, the Daily Mail dropped her just before her stint on Big Brother. I suppose we'll have to wait with bated breath for her novel which may or may not be a screenplay. Judging by the quality of her articles in the MoS, the standard of writing in her Dreary and the overwhelming reception for her last book, I don't think she'll be troubling the literary world for very much longer. I think the years of 'half-a-prosecco, never a whole one' are taking their toll.

If only, ONLY, all those years ago ... he'd brought back her tennis/baseball/hockey/cricket/lacrosse bat or whatever the hell bat it was .... she'd have embraced him in her grateful loving arms (the inner elbows then, mercifully, wrinkle-free), crushed him to her denuded, breasts-free chest ... and ALL WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVELY AND WONDERFUL .... We'd not now being inflicted with distressing 'Drearies' wailing on and on and on ... oh God, Scrace, WHY didn't you bring the bloody bat back?

Heck! Who am I kidding? Tell the Jones person she's won £68million on some Lottery thing and some REAL pop star/old rocker REALLY fancies her and wants to spend the rest of his life buying her designer schmutter, including RIGHT SIZE Myla (really? She's no more size 8 or 10 than I'm Kate Moss), treating her to all the depilatory and botox procedures and face/arse/hand/knee lifts she desires, and does his duty, regularly ravishing her (ha ha ...) in all the hotels, spas that she name-drops. But she'd still find something to moan on and on about.

Still, some GOOD NEWS. My inner elbows, being things of beauty compared to the rest of my septuagenarian carcass, are, hopefully, going to have their own agent, who'll send me to castings where they really need exquisite inner elbows. I managed to take a 'Selfie' or 'Elbowfie' by balancing a big digital Nikon on the pile of old Vogues I've collected since 1950 when I was forced to wear the horrible cardies my mother knitted and how I suffered 'cos mum and dad wouldn't buy me a pony, no-one loved me, I hated my breasts, no-one understood me ... but I looked at all those lovely Vogues, and dreamed and dreamed ... .

Sorry, must confess, that is ALL lies. I balanced the Nikon on a pile of' Next' catalogues and took the pics. You've seen one inner elbow, you've seen them all.

By the way, I am completely indifferent to horses though of course wish them well, do worry about the 'seventeen cats plus Prudence' that Jones is 'supposed' to support. And really worried about those uncontrollable dogs, especially the one that mauled one of the cats. Can't understand why Jones, with animal behaviourist Nic, or whatever the hell she's suppose to be, can't sort those unruly dogs.

And I use Fructus Garnier shampoo too. So there!

Must go now, to rub in some more unguents into my inner elbows (Tesco own brand corn oil). By the way, I saw Jones in Islington (where I live) a year or so ago. Her hair ... oh dear. Suggest she downgrades her hair dryer from 'flame thrower' to something a TAD more gentle.

So very funny
Your ditties make laugh. You wrote ages ago about the bat, that one was 1st class too !

She also wrote about her island "holiday" of the coast of East Africa (without mentioning once that her then-hubby was along for the ride, or that in later screechings about it that it was a commission: oddly, the cost of the whole jaunt was... £26,000 !), a trekking 'holiday' and a skiing hol for High Life. The island jolly is indeed absent from the mag online, and in her last book, she had the gall to write that she booked the holiday for her sister and nephew. Vile old bat.

Bellagio, hey mate, you're the guy with the nose for facts when it comes to getting past the BS she writes, so you of all people will know, didn't she ages ago say that she tried to get one of these paid for trips when she was considering meeting up with some married bloke from south America. (At the time she reported in the diary something about all the wives in said country would collectively feel the hair on the back of their necks rising at the thought of Her Hotness heading their way for an affair. Did make me laugh, yes this from the one who pretends to despise herself so much as to never to look in the mirror ! Yeah right.)

Anyway, doesn't this house of hers have 3 kitchens or so, which makes me think it's got to have at least granny flat letting potential aka more £ for liz which don't quite tally with the poor as a church mouse mantra.
Last edited by Ade_Lw : 25-02-2016 at 04:35

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-...-35159657.html

There you go - the floorplans definitely show 3 kitchens. Definitely not a church mouse house.

That she did, although of course the SAMM was as real as the FRS and the heavily hinted movie star.

I'm sure she said she doesn't train them because she said something about it 'oppressing' them, stifling their natures or some such bollox. She's not an animal lover, she's a pet hoarder.

Nice one mate, thanks

Well, it's all rather la-de-da isn't it. Poor, poor, poor Miss Jones, such hardship and woe. Why does one person need so many bedrooms, she hates people right so what happens in all those rooms ? Do you think they're full of dog chewed posh shoes and designer carp damp and smelly with cat wee ? The mind boggles. Talking of minds on the map included in the file you can see just down the road from chez Jones a place called Crackpot, not joking, so very close, practically a bulls eye.

I stand corrected ... still, it does sound like she hasn't written for them in a while (she and Nirps divorced in 2007, and her last book was released in 2013.) Is she still working for them? If so, why does she expect anyone to take her seriously when she complains that she "hasn't been anywhere lovely in a decade!"


Yeah, what's the deal with the "Movie Star"? She hasn't mentioned him in a while. Is she saving it as column back-up in case the Baker does finally dump her for good, or did she just invent him to humiliate the Baker (using the terribly coy "I don't know whether to tell David the truth that I'll be sitting next to this movie star! Which is why I'm going to write about it in a national newspaper in my column that I know he reads!")

I do find it ludicrous that she still perceives herself as such a player/threat re putative South American Married Man and imaginary Film Star. She's a good few years older than me and I'm realistic enough to know I passed my best a while back. Film stars would not bark up my tree, except perhaps Jack Nicholson who, these days, is probably more in need of gentle nursing and the odd hand job.

Ergo, film stars would not bark up her tree. Susan Sarandon she is not.

Looks completely aside: Given the way she treats David (which she openly admits, nay, glories in, every week in her column) who would want to be in a relationship with her? What man would want to be humiliated, nagged, constantly told that everything he does is wrong, and ridiculed in a national newspaper? She parades her desire for someone who can feed her expensive tastes - well, those men tend to be looking for a trade-off (i.e. a young, beautiful woman) and/or, having built up their wealth through careful financial management, don't want to be buying Liz Louboutins and Myla every week

Oh dear oh dear, stop it, BellaFiga, I'm sniggering at your reference to Jack Nicholson's 'needs'. Still, maybe we should hope that Jones crosses his radar ... all those 'Bliss' Softening Mittens (actually, they're called 'Bliss Glamour Gloves') she wears at night should make her an ideal candidate to 'console' Nicholson in his declining years ... after all, they're almost in the same age bracket. And the 'Bliss Softening Socks' - ideal preparation for a bit of tootsie 'lurve' ... (what was the name of that bloke who, ahem, 'attended' to the Duchess of York's toes in 1992?)
http://www.blissworld.co.uk/bath-bod...lamour-gloves/

But I wonder if she's forgotten her reference to sitting next to some 'film star' in some previous witterings in the MoS? Maybe the 'film star' took one look at his next seat neighbour, tossing her 'Midnight Storm' tresses and baring her veneers in her rictus facsimile of a smile at him ... and he did a runner?

Jude Law gets a mention in tomorrow's dreary. Just saying.

WHAT? Jude Law? Jones is a bit ... well ... old for him, surely? Unless, suffering from ennui about nannies etc. etc., he's now into a 'Grab a Granny' stage of his life? After all, they do say, 'many a good tune played on an old fiddle' etc. etc .... or is it a banjo? Or ukulele?

Not that Jones, biologically speaking, is a granny. Still, gives me hope. If she can pull Jude, there's hope for me yet ... I've always fancied the little lad in 'One Direction' - Liam something or other. Oh, wait. Cheryl's got him first. Damn.

Oh hell, I'm now going to stay up until past midnight to wait for the Dreary.