Meanwhile...
fashion journalist with a BMI of 12

I call bullshit. If her BMI was 12 she'd be in hospital, or at the very best lying on a fainting couch, not galivanting round Somalia in her Maharishi combats saving humanity. It's conceivable of course that it has been 12 at some time in her life. But not in those photos and not on that assignment.

‘Well,’ drawled Darryl F. Zanuk, flicking the ash from his fifteen inch Cuban cigar into the face of a passing bus-boy. ‘Once of us wants that Lizzie Jones broad real REAL bad … whadya say about how we decide?’ His companions, lounging around the pool of Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, pondered. ‘I dunno,’ drawled Louis B. Mayer. ‘She’s insisting on a three or is it four movie contract …?’

‘Yeah,’ interjected Sam Spiegel. ‘But she’s one of the most famous journalists in that lil old country called Britain, wherever the hell that is, she says so herself. And she’s written some books. Ain’t read any of them, but she’s every so popular, she’s always telling everyone she is, people can’t wait to read her exciting cut ‘n paste adventures every week in some paper called “The Wail on Sunday”. Like her secret romance with a Very Famous Rock Star, her status as a fashion icon; then there's her great love of animals, her persecution by cruel villains like creditors, tax collectors, hotel receptionists, being misunderstood by her family for whom she does so much but ain’t ever appreciated by them, not even when she did that touching memoir about her dead sister’s substance abuse problems, and them pictures of Liz with her dying mom … so we could get a whole lotta family conflict in the movie, always helps. Nah, I think whichever of us gets her signed up will really luck out.’

His companions pondered. ‘Any thoughts on what scripts in mind?’ asked Zanuk.

‘Yeah,’ replied Louis eagerly. ‘She’s a great animal lover. In fact, if one of us contracts her to do four film scripts, part of the deal is that she brings seventeen cats, three dogs and some horses with her. Maybe some bats, too, ain’t sure about them, though’.

A few minutes’ silence followed. ‘Well,’ sighed Darryl. ‘We could always dump the animals in Neverland Ranch – Michael Jackson’s old place. Plenty of room there – assume the chimp ‘Bubbles’ has gone? Might be bit of a problem with a monkey and the seventeen cats… and I assume no sheep at Neverland? I did hear rumours about one of the Jones dogs chewing up sheep … and cats. Could be an animal protection issue there. Insurers might get a bit antsy.’

‘Details, just details,’ interjected Sam. ‘What we need is to plan the way to go with her film treatments. Now, given her love of horses, I have an idea for a sorta, well …“Black Beauty 2” But with Liz Jones as the heroine … and I have the perfect star to play the Jones part. Just think of it, real heart-wrenching stuff. A miserable, misunderstood childhood, when mom and pops wouldn't buy her a pony so she only had a wooden broom handle to be her pretend ‘horse’ and she was forced to wear panties her poor old mother knitted for her – oh, yes, I see it all, the deprived childhood. And then she grows up, has her body resculpted by getting her, er, chest cut off so her clothes would hang better ... and finally FINALLY gets her dream, a horse of her own … OK, yeah, we probably can’t call the movie “Black Beauty 2”, , copyright stuff, but maybe “Brown Beauty”. Or “Piebald Beauty” – anyone here know what ******* color the ******* horse is?’

‘Was’, said Darryl. ‘It died. But even better … pathos. Loadsa pathos. Dead horse. I think even a few dead cats too. Have ‘em weeping in the aisles.’

‘Ah well,’ Sam sighed. ‘So the horse died. Never mind, life goes on. But before the horse snuffs it, lots of shots of the Lizzie actress riding the thing, her Midnight Storm tresses flowing in the wind, her meaty thighs in them tight jodhpurs gripping hard round the horse’s withers or whatever horses have, her size 12 ass bouncing up and down on the leather thingie that riders sit on, with just the littlest suggestion of the too small Myla thong beneath the jodhpurs, to sex up the scene a bit…’

‘Out of interest,’ enquired Louis. ‘You gotta an actress in mind to play the “Lizzie’ character?’

‘Aw, yes,’ smirked Sam. ‘I’m gonna approach Madonna to play her’.

His companions were silent for a few moments. ‘Isn’t she a bit – uh – OLD?’ murmured Darryl. ‘And can she ride?’

‘Old? Nah,’ sniggered Sam. ‘Jones and Madonna, they’re the same age. Around 57 (officially). And as for Madonna riding … depends on riding what …I hear she quite likes riding her …. hey, boy, over here, more bourbons all round, quick and Mr. Zanuck has just dropped his Cuban on that blonde floating by in the pool on the blow-up crocodile – better dive in and get it before she notices her bikini bottom is smouldering.’

‘I dunno,’ said Louis doubtfully. ‘Always tricky filming with animals. How about a movie treatment on the theme of “Lost Then Found Love” – that Baker guy? Sort of slushy crap that goes down well with the chicks. You could still cast Madonna as “Lizzie” and as for the baker – Clooney’s pretty committed for five years ahead and that Hugh Grant, or do I mean Russell Grant … or maybe Russell Brand, I always get them mixed up – but, tellya the truth, honestly, can’t see any of them up to the armpits in that glutton-free dough stuff, whatever the **** it is what the Baker character makes – but how about Dick van Dyke? Yeah, why not? He can do an English accent, like he did so well in “Mary Poppins”. And he’s only 90.’

‘Or how about the Famous Rock Star that Liz used to go around with?’ suggested Darryl helpfully. ‘Maybe entice Jagger to play him …though perhaps a bit young for the part – chemistry and all that? But isn’t Jerry Lee Lewis still around? Bill Haley?’

Sam sighed. ‘Bill’s no longer with us. And no-one knows who The Famous Rock Star is. Or was. Or ever was. The smart money is on one of the “Bay City Rollers” but these days, who’s heard of 'em? Anyway, this is getting us nowhere. We ALL want to sign her up, so how we gonna do it? Toss for her, perhaps?’

His two companions smirked. ‘But NOT out here,’ said Darryl hastily. ‘We’re not college kids any more. That sort of thing best done in private … my room, I suggest? Best of three? We've got all afternoon and evening ... and I gotta a load of old Playboy Magazines ...’

Probably when she was about 10 years old, Suzy!

Amikolacheck - really enjoyed that!
Last edited by Jennifer_Jones2 : 20-03-2016 at 12:24

inspired!


And 10 times more readable than her deluded bilge! Lol

I just read the 'twitter is full of bullies' nonsense then went straight over to read about Disposable Dave. I think my brain exploded.

I guarantee the rant about "Twitter bullies" is the lead-in for her to tear into DominoDarling (and probably also us, her internet "trolls") next week or the week after

amikolaichek, I'm in awe of your genius

Yeah, maybe when she was born

According to a bmi calculator, someone 5'10 and 6 stone would have a bmi of 12.1

Well that was another kick in the teeth for David.

Have only just read it so haven't chewed it over yet.

One thing that did catch my eye is oh look she's wearing a magic jumper.... hmm..... now that's a big fat coincidence. Tells me she's been peeking nowhere certainly in the last couple of weeks.

Let's see what other sh#te she's been paid for this week.

Has anyone got a link to her other piece ?
Thanks

Here you are. You won't like it.
Thanks Twitter... it’s been the best decade ever for bullies

Cheers mate
Yup !

If she had anything about her, just a smidge of something other than "I was tweety bullied", she should - would, even - acknowledge that this particular episode and the fake LJ Twitter account actually raised a lot of money. In a way the bonkers decision to send a Writer (cough), with no credentials for serious, incisive writing, came good by virtue of people engaging with the parody Twitter account and donating.

And I do remember the parody account being one of the funniest things I've ever read.

So, this article, are we meant to believe the photo is Lizbott with the very low BMI ? Not me. She don't look thin enough. Being a tall woman she will always appear more slender than someone shorter. I know close up what a woman with a dangerously low BMI looks like, and that photo ain't it.

The spoof Twitter a/c made a nice chunk of dosh for charity IIRC, notice she failed to mention that. And when she's pulled up for bullying she wriggles out of it by saying things like she was only gently ribbing a person. Yet when she's the recipient she goes around squawking about being a victim, naturally !

no doubt !

Most welcome. cheers, you too

Nice work Ami, laughing hard at the meaty thighs... and, err, stuff. See now you could do a much better column than the Lizbott cos unlike her you really ARE very funny

Oh dear...the Diary. As Catherine Tate's Nan would say "What a load of old s**t!!"
Funny how the "psychic" has the same style of speech and grammar as Liz does - it's almost as if she wrote it herself. In fact the whole article is a study in Liz's wish fulfilment fantasy- and the psychic sounds like she's in the same league as that one who "predicted" Princess Diana's death - but only told anyone about it AFTER she died!

Still, you could hear the cheers in the streets and the bells ringing all across the land as she finally gets to light one of her Diptyque candles on the back of all those huge Hollywood advances.

Look out world! the Lizard is shedding it's old skin and the new improved (read nastier, greedier, more selfish) Liz is emerging.

PS Her behaviour to David - how much more shocking and callous can she get without him dumping her black Myla-clad ass?

Regarding the Myla undercrackers: if she had sex three times in Edinburgh (yeah right, like she would allow that) I do hope she took some other pants with her. Ewww doesn't cover it.

Well ... I can only quote from my own experience of being caught lacking an extra pair of pants. Due to an unforeseen little accident while on a 'plane from a Far Eastern country to France - one of four engines caught fire - we returned to airport from whence we'd departed and were put in a hotel for the night, with promise of the delayed flight going off in the morning. Our luggage, apart from hand-luggage, obviously not to hand.

Obviously, as a lady who always likes to be fresh as the proverbial daisy, I rinsed out my panties ... but where to dry them? I had the brilliant inspiration of sort of ramming them into the ceiling grill that provided the room's air conditioning ....

Big mistake. Early morning call for our delayed flight. Panties not only still soaking wet, but semi-frozen. Reader, I had to 'go commando'.

By the way, flight went off, in the same plane, apparently 'repaired'. This time, TWO engines caught fire, half an hour out .... the rest is a merciful blur, despite the cabin crew and other passengers screaming and the pilot sobbing over the intercom, as I luckily had a little stash of Valium about my person and took about a week's supply all at once. Actually, a perfect landing back at original airport ...fire-engines, ambulances, foam on runway, but those 747s can apparently even land on ONE engine, if necessary (so they say ...).

I suppose that, had the worst happened, that I was without pants, wouldn't have mattered one way or the other. But I ALWAYS now carry an extra pair or two of M & S 'cotton rich' big knickers in my hand-luggage.

amikolaichek, that is a wonderful story. I was laughing but eeking all the way through.

amikolaichek: If I had been in your position, even if I *was* wearing fresh undies, they wouldn't be so fresh after that incident!

Saying she had a bmi of 12 is so f*@king disrespectful to those who suffer eating disorders. She's most likely be barely able to perform basic functions at that weight.

kiviraat, on the first occasion when the 747 flew out and an engine caught fire, I DID keep my upper lip - and my sphincter - ever so stiff. After all, the 747 still had three operating engines.

However, next morning, on the SAME plane, half an hour out, now two bleeding engines on fire, with the pilot wailing over the intercom, interspersed with the screams of the cabin crew, the good news that: 'The engineers TOLD ME THEY'D REPAIRED IT'. I reckon only the Valium overdose kept my Club Class seat (notice the stealth boast there?) hygienic. Other passengers, those who weren't howling, were frantically writing notes to their loved ones.

And then we had a perfect landing.

Seriously, I had a LOT of communication with the CAA after this - as did other traumatised passengers. I got offered an upgrade to First Class next time I flew them. No thanks.

Seriously, I agree with your comments abut BMI. The woman is beyond stupid when she writes about this subject. All that guff she writes about being sacked as editor of 'Marie Claire' yet she never misses an opportunity to put women down. Shame on her.

If LJ is 5 foot seven, which I think she is, then in order to have a BMI of 12 she would have to weigh less than 5 stone 9.

I have found some accounts online from anorexics/recovering anorexics regarding their state of health when at such a low BMI. They are incapable of logical thought and recount being banned from walking down stairs for fear their hearts would give out, being in hospital ten months, enforced bedrest, tube feeding... People get committed at that weight.

Now Liz says she was treated for anorexia as a young woman and it is not at all improbable that her BMI was that low at the time. But having had a BMI of 12 at some stage in your life and claiming to have that BMI at a time when you're doing charidee journalism in Africa and helping the sick etc are not the same thing. I am sure that Liz would like to tell us that she DID have such a low BMI, she was just hiding it with baggy designer combats, and she's just so caring and hard working that unlike other anorexics, she could do the job. But it would have been impossible.

This has been buzzing round my head since I read her BS claims at the weekend. I have nursed anorexics on ICUs who had BMIs closer to 'normal' than this ridiculous claim of hers. They had heart failure, no temperature control and blue extremities due to the poor circulation. One young girl had a gangrenous stomach when she was admitted with a BMI of 15.

Jonesey's BMI may have been 'below 12' when she was hospitalised and tube fed but it certainly wasn't during the Africa assigment. A skeletal body can be hidden under baggy trousers but those arms and that face say she's lying.

No-one who claims to care about the effect of media on young girls with eating disorders would be playing this dangerous game of competitive anorexia unless they were completely self-obsessed and unhinged. Any anorexic lass seeing that photo of her would think they look as filled out and healthy as she does - and that's beyond dangerous.

I think "competitive anorexia" is just part of the illness for some sufferers, and so she cant be blamed for it.
I just wish her claims had been edited out before it was published, because like you say, it can be very very dangerous to others.
I am glad that she appears to be staying well.