In Lizard's time honoured tradition, here is a cut & paste:

I don’t call it ‘confessional’ (it would never be called that if men did it) – it’s just writing. Why you would write something that isn’t excruciating and real, that glosses over the fact you don’t have sex, or you don’t have any money, or your children hate you, is beyond me.
I remember being on a panel with Julie Burchill, and she was berating me.

It is my belief, which would be denied to the max by the innocent sweet creature that is Lizard, that the above was one of her typical almost incomprehensibly spiteful digs at Julie Burchill. Burchill is gobby, the first to admit some of the things she has written are crap and all that, but those who know her seem to like her very much and she does not exist exclusively in the media bubble, she'll talk to anyone, a trait I like very much in people. Julie Burchill's son is not dead even a year, and even if it were a century, it's not ok to use it as a stick to poke someone you hate for being popular with.

Oh, the heartbreak ... her Merc, or Beemer, whatever hell the damn car is, is being REPOSSESSED.

So how will Liz get to the station now? But ALL IS NOT LOST! NIGE will come to the rescue, with his trusty two-stroke motor cycle with its 1930s sidecar - plenty of room for her and all her bags of unguents and designer schmutter and Louboutin shoes.

NIGE TO THE RESCUE! Come on, NIge, bet you've found us now on DS. Join us.

Meanwhile in this week's farticle, Liz rants about people who found a Gap ad racist. "While even white van men are sacrosanct (viz, the sacking of Emily Thornberry), you can say what you like about post-menopausal white women."

Unless they're mothers, apparently. Or grandmothers. Or LGBT. Or disabled. Or basically anything Liz isn't because she seems to believe that everyone except her belongs to some kind of special protected class that makes them exempt from any criticism of their words or actions (and yes, Liz. You're racist. Look at the way you spoke about Nirps's culture, the way you patronisingly talk about David's ex-wife and other East/South-East Asian women, your entire article about the famine in Somalia ...)

But no, we mustn't talk about racism in the media. "You wonder whether any of these modern-day Mary Whitehouses get any housework done, so busy are they being outraged." Yeah, they should all get back to the kitchen so Liz can feel superior for not being a boring housewife with GIANT KIDS and a "porridgey" tummy

Well it's unlikely to be on horseback... (Queue the next annual ranting farticle on the Grand National...)

Unless it's on Shanks's Pony ?

Did you notice the thinly veiled reference to the argument with DD on Facebook in the fartictle?

At least, I think that was what she is alluding to...

I still believe in Santa Claus... and would like to believe in the existence of Nige, for the benefit of most of us around here... including Liz.

Truthfully I'd like to think that there's a decent person out there, with infinite patience and a big-heart, who could provide ongoing 'rehab' for Liz and some of her animals; to ween her away from 'diaries', 'fashion' and 'journalism' and a career in search for the filthy lucre... in to something that makes her heart sing... rather than fill the hearts of many others with dread.

I'd like to think that Liz's impending bankruptcy - if it's actually true - will give her the push that she needs to re-evaluate her life and do something that's inspiring, rather than criticising and trashing the lives of those whom she meets.

As every door closes, another opens... but - in my opinion - that door with the DM needs to be closed and bolted firmly shut for the benefit of everyone.

Actually, I've stood up for Liz on some matters. I've frequently wondered whether she's unwell, or conversely whether the whole thing is a parody and she and the Baker are sitting up chortling together as they create the Dreary together. I don't mock her physical appearance, I don't think that's fair or kind, and I don't think she looks all that bad. The worst I've ever said about her would be that I think she could do better with a softer haircolour shade.

But over time I've found that her column is not funny and quite cruel, repetitive and, if it genuinely is accurate, positively abusive to the people in her life.

Am I just like Liz? In some ways. I'm a little bit younger. I've always made my living working with words in some form or another. I don't have a husband to pay my way. I have a cat. I've lived in London. I have not had particularly long-lasting romantic relationships. I've travelled a bit. I can be tender hearted enough not to buy my cat meat that contains horse while simultaneously spending my money on some shoes made of leather.

But I don't think the world owes me. My family may drive me mad at times but I love them dearly and will not ever sell them out for profit. DItto my friends. Perhaps that's a failure on my part. Willingness to put them up for amusing scrutiny might have won me an international column. But I'd rather have a cordial relationship with them. And while I might poke fun at X and Y with my friends, or complain about Z, should that go public and a bunch of complete strangers start spouting their opinions on my loved ones, I'd feel the need to slaughter them all. Ultimately, I know the cost would be too dear. And I'm not talking about the unfortunate need to pay taxes either.

I am not as rich as Liz and nor am I bankrupt. I will have to work till I die, and that's just the way it is. If I could earn anything like what LIz supposedly earns, for ONE YEAR, I would be mortgage free and well set up for life. Now, if I had always earned the sort of money she earns, perhaps my eyes would be bigger than my stomach too and I'd be spending it all on castles instead of modest little flats. But by your late 50s, especially as an independent person, you surely, surely have learned to live within your means. HUGE means!

I wish LIz would embrace her alleged poverty instead of acting as if she is a victim. I'd LOVE to see Liz discover the FUN and savings of chain store brands, colouring her own hair etc etc. It would be fun, amusing, endearing. Liz like so many young women with little money discovering dupes of prestige brands, excitedly sharing that this cheapass hand cream is just as nice as her bliss softening socks and so much cheaper. You know, if Liz does not secretly really colour her hair out of a packet already, it would be fun to have her explore home colouring. She could get Nic to apply it. Or David. Because trying to do your own roots is pretty hard. They would try to work out how to follow the instructions and maybe try to make it like a salon at home. Liz could pour herself a prosecco while the Garnier (yes) does its work and look through some Vogues. And mock them. They could deal with the mess created in the bathroom. And laugh lots and lots and have a good time together.

I think the diary would be a lot more endearing and engaging if we saw them all having some fun. They must do. Surely. Sometimes.

I either didn't know this, or had forgotten it - I am leaning towards the latter - but Julie Burchill's son killed himself, last year I think, after many years of drug abuse and depression..

I don't like J Burchill at all, she's a nasty superior bitch in print and she sounds like a chipmunk, but I would not wish that on anybody and I feel very very sad and sorry for her and her husband for their loss.

I find it hard to believe Liz would genuinely be referring to that. If she were I think she'd SAY it. Although on the other hand she would have to be mad to do it since I am fairly sure Julie Burchill would physically track her down and beat her up, and Julie's not a small woman.

Thanks Vamp for walking me through all that, I really didn't have the foggiest But now I see what you mean. She does like to twist that knife old Lizbott.

By the way, HI LIZ KNOW YOU'RE READING EVERY WORD WE SAY

Sadly I think she was aiming for the bullseye there, but in such a way that gave her plenty of wriggle out of it room...Who me ??? I'm wounded anyone could think that etc
Cos that's how our little silent assassin operates

Mr Curmugeon – come clean. Are YOU in fact ‘Nige’? If so, RESPECT! You sound just the sort of guy to take her in hand, so to speak …. Show her that there is more to life than Beemers or Mercs - and your old two-stroke motorbike with its sidecar will be quite adequate to ferry her around (maybe give the sidecar a little wipe-around first, in case you’ve been carting around manure or something).

Liz, being obviously, in her heart, a ‘country gal’, you’ll soon get her out of her fancy, finicky ways about dry-cleaning her two (or is it now four?) pairs of Myla silk panties etc. I’m sure there’s a nice launderette near you what’ll do a bargain ‘bag wash’ – and Liz and you will have a good chuckle when you unpack the bag and see the ‘wash’ all come out a sort of uniform greyish-beige, and probably the silk panties a bit – well – bit shrunk from size 16 to maybe fit an old ‘Cindie’ doll. And Liz’s VB frock …she could always dye it again and wear it as a cropped vest?
Come on, lad … admit it, you’re really ‘Nige’ and you’re going to save Liz. Hope you like cats, by the way. As for ‘stress-weeing’ dogs, better invest in plastic floor coverings, polythene coverings for the soft furnishings, and DON’T let the incontinent buggers on the bed. And your flock of sheep - some good websites selling muzzles.
http://www.animeddirect.co.uk/ancol-...FQbgGwodm80BBg

If only... if only. Sadly that southern cad, Nige, seems helll bent on taking my beloved away from me. I'm beside myself... I'd even Lurpak'd the leather headboard of my double-bed for extra buttery-ness in preparation for our first night of passion, and handwashed my aertex y-fronts.

Mr. C,, we all know you're Jones' Secret Stalker - Nige ... we love you. How you've gone wrong with your designs on the lizard are ..hell ...where do I start ...the Lurpak? Oh no NO. Perfectly nice butter for the odd ham sandwich or frying a few rashers of vegan, line-caught bacon, but if you REALLY aim to impress Liz, then invest in 'Lescure Beurre charentes-poitou' (available at your local Waitrose). https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=&#...uaP9Dp20LpM%3A Not sure it it's vegan - is any sort of butter vegan?

Not sure about the 'Airtex Y-Fronts' either .... Does not David Beckham advertise some lovely undies that look extremely fetching in those ads? If your, ahem, physique doesn't quite 'measure up', so speak, as does DB's,then . shove a few socks 'down there' ... (bet that what's DB's 'stylsts' do). Any further advice, please just ask. I've had four husbands ( of my own). And if ONLY Jones had asked my advice earlier ...

A couple of posts have disappeared from this thread.. including one from splodges mum (?) which said.."got you going, bye" ....

Did anyone else notice that? Am pretty sure I didn't imagine it...

No, you didn't imagine it, I saw the last post. A bit low key as flounces go.

No, you didn't imagine it. There were a couple of posts by splodgesmum and some responses, then the final 'got you going' post early this morning. I went out and when I came back they'd all gone. The page count was still showing 190 but the last page wouldn't load and the earlier posts by splodges mum had gone as well as the last one.

Very odd.

Yup, that one is definitely mysteriously deleted.

Maybe Liz, er, LIz's one defender from the wilds of the internet, thought better of admitting to trolling.

It wasn't very good trolling either.

ETA Gosh all the splodes mum ones are gone, and so are posts that quoted her. Now I look like a narcissist randomly comparing myself with Liz. It was a response to splodges mum saying I think I'm clever but I'm just like Liz.

I did wonder why I of all the posters who are equally and more clever, who also write Dreary imitations from time to time (including very recently) got singled out in this regard. Very strange.

So what was deleted from Splodges Mum? All her comments, including one that was an admission of trolling, and comments that quoted any of her comments, yes? Including those that referred to me specifically. Which would seem like a person and a website hosting their comments trying to avoid litigation. EXCEPT that nothing said was litigious, me being "named" is ridiculous since it's not my real name and doesn't identify me in any way.

I can only assume that someone thinks I am somebody I'm not and has had a wee panic. I've never met Liz Jones nor seen her in real life and haven't lived anywhere near her for decades. Splodges Mum should feel free to try to defame me (hint: saying I think I'm clever but I am just like Liz Jones is not defamation). Seriously, I'm just a random on the internet.

Either that or Splodges Mum managed to convince DS to delete all evidence of her ever having been here, and I'm just a red herring. Seems more likely.

You haven't written anything defamatory, Suzy-Cat, so far as I can see. Nor have I. We've just taken the p*ss out of her. Possibly she or one of her few remaining friends posted (under orders) having a whine ...wonder who???? (Hi, Liz, Nic ... how you doing? WAVES)

I noticed too, including Splodges Mum's last post.

As others have said, what's interesting is that not only have SM's posts and those quoting her been removed, but also those even mentioning her.

Oh well...

Hi Liz, how are you doing today ?

I'd even gone to the trouble of combining my washing mangle with some starched marigolds and a turkey-baster, and installing said contraption in my outside bathroom, so that if Liz fancied doing a spot of solo-insemination... as I realise you southern girls are into that kind of thing. She'd feel right at home. Now that.s true northern love for you...

Now that b*****d Nige is on the scene, I have no woman or means for doing my washing. Does anyone on here want to buy some Poundland mangle-proof johnnies ? All unused...

I'd say it's more likely that somebody reported the account and had it removed. The Mods ("We are, we are, we are the Mods") probably have to delete all the posts which quote the deleted account but not the ones which just refer to it.

It sounds like some one complained to the moderators, where they just come along and delete everything to do with the complaint. When I was just a lurker here I noticed it happening once before. Just wonder who got on to the mods ????

Tsk, what a shame that my reply to Splodges Mum has vanished - it was my annual 'say something nice about someone' post. I suppose she flounced, albeit quietly, because her attempts at getting a rise didn't work.

Well that sounds better.