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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 31-03-2013, 15:51
Becky Sharpe
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"oh the LAMBS!!! Why didn't you put them in sheds you evil farmer!" *whacks him with her prada leather and snakeskin bag*
"Oh the SHEEP!" Why aren't they in the fields roaming like they are meant to be!!" *whacks him with her newly bought "inset overpriced label" boots*
Maybe Liz should have gone into the Lamb Woolly-Pully business instead of the cow pension/OAP chickens thing . As for this week's borderline anorexia -vs- full blown awful Scots dialogue, I can see things getting a weeee bit competitive in this imaginary relationship. As Harry Hill might say, "There's only one way to find out! ..."
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Old 31-03-2013, 16:24
Lilaeth
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I could rewrite the Dreary in proper Glaswegian, but I'm 100% that whoever wrote it, he or she hasn't been within a hundred miles of the city!
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Old 31-03-2013, 20:06
Blondie X
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Her comment about The Voice where she basically accuses Danny of casual racism is appalling. For anyone who didn't see it, there was a guy on there who could be Will.i.am's brother and Danny told him that he looked like Will. Now, according to Jones, what he was actually saying is 'all black people look the same'. FFS, talk about see something that wasn't there. Will even agreed with him.

She really is a pig ignorant b*tch with her head rammed up her own backside
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Old 31-03-2013, 20:40
cathrin
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Can anyone here imagine a RS typing the phrase "You think you have the monopoly on mire"? Can you imagine ANY man typing such a thing? (Of course, this is a RS who begins his messages "Darling girl" and refers to himself as "The Cuckold," so I guess all bets are off as far as unlikely, flowery, old-fashioned maiden-aunt language is concerned...)

I always find it amusing that Liz can never write in another character's voice for very long without reverting to the sort of me-me-me stuff that focuses purely on her: her personality, her qualities, her past, her family background, her relationships, her wants.....how amazing and wonderful (and in this case "superhuman") she is. Even when she's supposed to be recounting someone else's words, they always end up launching into an in-depth analysis of Liz and appraising her in glowing terms, which is always the biggest giveaway....
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Old 31-03-2013, 20:49
Badcat
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Can anyone here imagine a RS typing the phrase "You think you have the monopoly on mire"? Can you imagine ANY man typing such a thing? ..
Maybe the RS likes to link her to kiddie games?

the monopoly on mire
The mousetrap on misery
The Cluedo on crisis
The Scrabble of sarcasm
The Hungry Hippos of hypocrisy

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Old 31-03-2013, 21:15
cathrin
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Reading this week's Diary, you have to wonder whether she's ever actually heard a real conversation between a man and woman, let alone participated in one! In Liz world, a date goes like this:

(1) Endless wranglings by phone and text over arrangements.
(2) Endless preparations and new purchases
(3) Complicated arrangement involving deception and pretence (in this case, inventing a dinner date purely to be perverse)
(4) Kick off the proceedings with sarcastic sneer ("Well, this is fun"....guaranteed to get the guy glowing with affection and warmth towards you eh?)(Oh, and by the way, no non-drinker would ever feel the need to give his partner an added reason for not drinking ("I'm driving. And I don't drink, remember.") That makes absolutely no sense. He doesn't drink, so the driving is irrelevant.)
(5) Liz talks about herself
(6) FRS talks about Liz
(7) Liz talks about herself
(8) FRS talks about Liz, evidently charmed and captivated by her frosty and cold behaviour towards him...because men just love that, don't they? (Repeat until end of date)
(9)Stilted grammatically-precise conversation with no contractions or elisions ("I will buy you a watch"..."You are not going to email...")
(10) As date ends, without a smidgeon of warmth or pleasantness from Liz, FRS says something illogically complimentary (in this case "You must have men hitting on you all the time")
(11) Liz recounts bizarrely detailed "the-only-time-I've-ever-been-hit-on scenario" (has she forgotten all those other being-hit-on anecdotes she's regaled us with over the years?)
(12) Evening is neatly rounded off with a lifted-directly-from-SATC Mr Big moment, complete with humming car window.
Repeat ad infinitum.
The above column was only from about a month ago. The comment quoted in the BiB makes it clear that the FRS didn't drink. So can we assume she's saying he's gone back to drinking since then?

The way she's gone about putting this into her column seems really odd. A partner falling off the wagon would constitute a major, momentous drama in the real world. And yet Liz, the Queen of filling columns with other people's major, momentous real-world dramas, hasn't actually mentioned this hugely significant event in the Diary, just sort of slithered into a join-the-dots-and-work-it-out scenario, where one week she tells us she had "an alcoholic" staying with her in the Cupboard, and the next she's quoting emails verbatim from the RS talking about his drinking as if this were something she'd already written about. Given the amount of column inches she devotes to horses with ailments and petty squabbles with jellyfish, and the way she relishes spilling deeply personal secrets about other people's alcohol problems, you'd think she would have got acres of mileage out of a partner falling off the wagon. The way she launches straight into this story makes it seem like she's lost track of what she has and hasn't told her readers.

Either way, there's something truly unpleasant about it all, especially following on from last week's sniping column about her alcoholic sister and the jellyfish woman.
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Old 31-03-2013, 21:21
cathrin
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Maybe the RS likes to link her to kiddie games?

the monopoly on mire
The mousetrap on misery
The Cluedo on crisis
The Scrabble of sarcasm
The Hungry Hippos of hypocrisy

Now there's a children's fairytale just waiting to be written!
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Old 31-03-2013, 22:24
Becky Sharpe
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Can anyone here imagine a RS typing the phrase "You think you have the monopoly on mire"? .
Or, the monopoly on "Merde!"?* [*Readers of Samantha Brick's recent efforts - especially- will KWIM ]
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Old 01-04-2013, 00:05
Amused Harpy
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Merde alors! Sacrebleu! Today's Dreary really scraped the bottom of the barrel. This week's episode was really despicable. The e-mail sounded like something she'd concocted herself.

Looks like the FRS is hitting the bottle again, after being on the wagon for some considerable time. That woman would drive anybody to drink. She's probably decided it's time to write him out of her Dreary. I wonder how she'll fill her columns in future. No doubt it will be about how the locals are really nasty to her and we'll have the usual sick animals and moans about her family - truly dire.
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Old 01-04-2013, 03:29
sunstone
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Ha Ha! DM headline " What really goes on in LJ brain|'
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...e-mindset.html
Don't check the link if LJ pics scare you!
Another dig at a sister,but hey LJ is so timid she needs help from the pretendy scientists.

So imagine how I felt when I discovered that it might not be the world's fault for attacking me. That the problem could lie in my own brain and that there is a way to change it.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#ixzz2PAt1362u
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

I think we all already knew the problem was in your head Liz not our own.

More bull about anorexia with many photo's to prove the lie there.


eta,I am chronic at links sorry.
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Old 01-04-2013, 03:52
Becky Sharpe
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A guilty but HUGE guffaw @ photo + the caption: 'What's going on in there, Liz?' Though serious observers of British journalism may [understandably] feel like throwing their hands up in the air ...
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:16
sunstone
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A guilty but HUGE guffaw @ photo + the caption: 'What's going on in there, Liz?' Though serious observers of British journalism may [understandably] feel like throwing their hands up in the air ...
I didn't notice that caption...ouch.
Seriously scary pic though.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:01
sjp07
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Her comment about The Voice where she basically accuses Danny of casual racism is appalling. For anyone who didn't see it, there was a guy on there who could be Will.i.am's brother and Danny told him that he looked like Will. Now, according to Jones, what he was actually saying is 'all black people look the same'. FFS, talk about see something that wasn't there. Will even agreed with him.

She really is a pig ignorant b*tch with her head rammed up her own backside
She halfway dragged Jessie J in that article as well. I believe the quote was "her enthusiasm as fake as my orgasms."

This amazes me since she was practically ready to have sex with Jessie a couple months ago because of what Liz described as her bravery for promising to shave her head. Also, Liz agreed to shave her head for charity as well in honor of Jessie J. What ever happened to that?
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:49
Saltydog1955
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For a woman 'paralysed by fear' and with 'low self-esteem' she spends a hell of a lot of time primping and posing for the camera.

And those bloody Prada biker boots........again!!
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Old 01-04-2013, 11:52
Amused Harpy
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I'd agree with some of the results of that brain scan, i.e. she can't think straight, has no sense of proportion and rational thought is difficult for her. The bit about having a memory like an elephant must be wrong, though, because she's always contradicting things she wrote previously and her Dreary is continually full of inconsistencies.

She didn't need to have a brain scan to tell her what was going on inside her brain. The posters on this thread could have told her the answer - she's all mixed-up.

You would think she was going to a fancy-dress party as a pirate in that picture where she's wearing the sensor-covered cap.
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Old 01-04-2013, 20:04
Leicester_Hunk
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I was gobsmacked in the DM picture of her with the brain scan thing that I thought was an April Fool. The tattoo makes her look a chav.
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Old 02-04-2013, 09:14
cathrin
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Does anyone else agree that this phrase speaks volumes about just how low the bar is set in Liz's behaviour:

"In a shop, when an item wasn't in stock, I would normally have flown into a rage, but I didn't."



....This, apparently, is evidence of a major breakthrough. Reminds me of Jeremy Kyle, when he says: "I'm going to say this calmly, I'm not even going to shout at you..." as if staying calm and not shouting is some sort of extraordinary effort that deserves to be drawn attention to, rather than what the rest of the world knows as "normal decent civilized behaviour".

Fly into a rage because an item is out of stock? This is Liz's default setting? And she wonders why she gets such a frosty reception from shop assistants?
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Old 04-04-2013, 12:46
coldcomfort
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I've not been well for a couple of weeks, so decided to cheer myself up by visiting the thread today. Imagine my horror, after clicking on a link about Lizard going for a brain scan, to be met by an image of a gargoyle, sporting a rictus grin, looming from the computer screen! Instant relapse! I quickly scrolled down to get to the comments, only to be bemused that quite a few stated she looked good. What?!! Unbelievable, and her reckoning to have a memory like an elephant, my arse. Then there was Sunday's Dreary; surely a hoax? Like many others, I too thought she was banging on about herself having an alcohol problem, but no - the email was (snort) from her teetotal/alcoholic/fat/thin/Scotsman/maiden aunt/on/off boyfriend. Allegedly. She surpassed even her own dire standards with that load of dung so, to go back to the theme of kiddie games, how about her having the Ker Plunk on Ker Rap?
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Old 04-04-2013, 21:48
Ceesmith
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*Thread lurker emerges*
Hello!
I wish this thread was more active, I always loved reading through it. Feel like I should join in myself if I want other people to. I hope people haven't started to like Liz?!
I am trying to compile a list of Liz lies and contradictions for a blogger friend of mine but it is really depressing. That woman makes me mad.
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Old 04-04-2013, 21:50
Badcat
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*Thread lurker emerges*
Hello!
I wish this thread was more active, I always loved reading through it. Feel like I should join in myself if I want other people do. I hope people haven't started to like Liz?!
I am trying to compile a list of Liz lies and contradictions for a blogger friend of mine but it is really depressing. That woman makes me mad.
hello!!! welcome on board!!

I've had to take it easy on Liz Moans as she is proving bad for my health as every time I read anything she has done my blood pressure creeps up

need to lie down now... am thinking of her wrinkly clown face staring at me from the last "what's wrong with my brain" article.
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Old 04-04-2013, 22:17
Ceesmith
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I think her articles with photos should come with one of those graphic image warning tags, some of them are terrifying.
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Old 04-04-2013, 22:32
Becky Sharpe
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*Thread lurker emerges*
Hello!
I wish this thread was more active, I always loved reading through it. Feel like I should join in myself if I want other people to. I hope people haven't started to like Liz?!
I am trying to compile a list of Liz lies and contradictions for a blogger friend of mine but it is really depressing. That woman makes me mad.
Welcome from me, too, Ceesmith . I think many of the original posters on this thread feel freer to vent on Facebook - whereas, 'yours truly' remains a big old FB/Twitter wimp - despite having been invited very nicely to join up. Also, in recent times [ =days/weeks ] the Daily Mail, generally, has printed such incredibly hateful stuff that the contemplation of continuing to post on this thread [even] is presenting difficulties
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Old 04-04-2013, 22:40
Ceesmith
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Welcome from me, too, Ceesmith . I think many of the original posters on this thread feel freer to vent on Facebook - whereas, 'yours truly' remains a big old FB/Twitter wimp - despite having been invited very nicely to join up. Also, in recent times [ =days/weeks ] the Daily Mail, generally, has printed such incredibly hateful stuff that the contemplation of continuing to post on this thread [even] is presenting difficulties
I have Facebook but would have no idea how to find other Liz critics.
I know what you mean, I am no fan of that paper but I am addicted to their awful columnists like Liz and Shona.
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Old 04-04-2013, 22:41
Becky Sharpe
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I've not been well for a couple of weeks, so decided to cheer myself up by visiting the thread today.
Hope you're ok, and feel better soon, Coldcomfort
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Old 04-04-2013, 22:43
vampyre
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I have Facebook but would have no idea how to find other Liz critics.
I know what you mean, I am no fan of that paper but I am addicted to their awful columnists like Liz and Shona.
PM me and you too can slag off the Lizard on FB.
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