Well, re Maria Schneider in 'Last Tango in Paris' ... who knows how The Baker will react to Jones's 'au naturel' state? Perhaps she'd better borrow a couple of quid from Nic and buy a block of Anchor butter.

As often happens, your inspirations for assignments that the Lizard should be given have already come to pass I'm afraid.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...Jones-OAP.html

This was from a 2008 article - although it may be an older photo?
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/...12_233x214.jpg

And this is today's nose.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/...6896401359.jpg

Don't know about the schnozz, but didn't she look better with shorter hair!

Looking at those pics of her nose, I really do wonder more and more about that allegation regarding the white stuff that LJ was MAJORLY freaked out about.

What I notice most in the second picture is her neck, which is unusually long (which is a plus). But she might want to read Nora Ephron's "I Hate My Neck". Ephron counsels people of a certain age to wear turtlenecks. Would that, however, simply accentuate her odd chin and jawline?

It also seems to me that her eyeliner--tattooed, isn't it?--does her no favors, at least on the lower lid. Her eyes look smaller, and the black is just as aging as her black hair. And it looks as if God has stuck her large two ears on about an inch lower than normal. On the plus side, the Mail doesn't seem to be photoshopping her with quite the rash abandon they sometimes have in the past.

The earlier hairdo would indeed seem dated, but some kind of bob would do what that hairdo accomplishes: it hides her ears and covers a bit of her awkward jawline, and properly taken care of it would look much more professional and modern than her aging weirdly hippie 'do. There's no point looking like a crone before your time.

What also strikes me is that no matter how much we hear about Jones spending money on her appearance, she's clearly stuck in a rut and not taking advice from people who might actually tell her how to look better. Why spend lots of money when you could go down the high street and have anyone in a beauty shop put in shoe-polish black hair colour? Why not take advice and get a haircut that would hide the ears? Why overdo with eye makeup and skip the lippy, which might brighten up her look?

(Mind you, here I am, fat and not necessarily lovely, but then I don't work in a job that requires women to be up to date.)

You also don't make a living from tearing into other women about their looks on a regular basis, or mocking the brand of shampoo someone uses.

LJ brings it on herself when it comes to people critiquing her looks...she is fair game just from the way she talks about others.

In what passes for her heart, she is not the poor creature with zero self esteem, she is arrogant and truly vain. She believes and has even admitted it once or twice that she is special and better than others. What she ordains to be beautiful is, she is so arrogant she never doubts this, unlike most of us saps looking in the mirror and wondering things like would a brighter lip gloss improve the look or push it into clown territory. Not Lizard, she knows she is mighty fine. She wanted to be a model and yet refuses to adopt the flattering stances that are more or less universal to look good in photos. She calls herself a fashion writer* but never uses any references or correct terminology pertaining to that subject. She would be a wonderful parody of all she wants to be, except her huge pay packet knocks out the humour.

* I know fashion is about as dumb and vapid as you can get to write about, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be written about properly as just a matter of professional pride. Loads of hacks have to write about stuff they have no interest in (the royals for instance) but they do the boring research and turn out a reasonable product. I know she won columnist of the year (must have been her turn) but she is truly a disgraceful writer as well as unpleasant person.

I've never been able to get over the fact that she tried to become a model. I hope they were kind to her; I hope modeling agencies are kind to everyone who applies. But I keep thinking, didn't she own a mirror? She's not hideous, but she's not a beauty (no matter how many times her imaginary boyfriends tell her she is). Most of us aren't. But most of us realize that when we give up playing dolls and learn that there's a lot more to life than fashion and modeling, and aim towards things like parenthood, or university, or supporting ourselves and those who rely on us, or crafting a good marriage or partnership, or having good friends and being a good friend in return . . . just to name a few worthwhile things that many adults are highly capable of that Liz can't manage. She's cut herself off from a lot of things, and she's failed dismally at some of the things she imagined she'd be great at.

She never takes advice. She's been made over - the awful witchy black was changed for a warm rich chocolate with a few highlights running through it here. But like every piece of good advice thrown Lizard's way, she turned her back on it as she knows better. She probably went straight home and attacked it with a packet of Prada Midnight Storm home hair dye kit.

Interesting that she admits to home colouring here.

I think if a person wants to dye their hair jet black regardless of what fashion types tell them, then it's their right. I think if Liz wants to dye her hair Midnight Storm out of a box, plaster on too much eyeliner and draw on Spock eyebrows then that's her right too. I don't think we all have to fall in line with the "more natural" crowd. DIana Vreeland certainly didn't.

It's the inconsistencies I can't stand. One minute she's flootling around with the fancy folks, getting spa treatments and having her knees plucked by experts in New York on mini breaks, and mocking people who use Garnier products. The next, she's desperately poor and has only one t-shirt and it's so unfair and she tragically cannot light her Dyptique candle, while nasty Poors get round in cars even though they sometimes take a weekend off unlike Liz.

And the vicious denigration of ordinary working people, and the people closest to her. That is even worse.

I wonder what possessed the MOS to send Dumb and Dumber on a trip to "see" Donald Trump. No interviews with the "great man" - just a selfie with the helicopter in the background, and a shallow as a puddle piece that could have been cobbled up while she was poo-picking for her horses. Still I suppose it was an excuse for a day out with Dave - if it was indeed he - who seems to be back in favour as her boyfriend - or maybe he has been promoted to chauffeur. And not only was the helicopter responsible for her "helicopter hair", it seemed to restore her hearing as well - is she "profoundly deaf" or not?

Lol, Dumb and Dumber. I was thinking that also, no inside snippets, just a pic of her with a copter in the background.
If David was the boyfriend, bet he,s chuffed at being called a boy. While since he,s been that!

Love this post
Wouldn't know one end of a human baby from the other. But bringing up baby animals and ducklings, not a problem.
Some of us luckily catch on we're not natural parent material which is a good thing. Much better to know where your strengths lie than end up out o your depths with s tiny new born. All the under 50s i know with kids hit the bottle every night, makes you wonderow happy they are and think thank goodness that's not me as would be useless.

Cheers for the link, hadn't seen that article.
Looks good in the photo til you get a glimpse of the Frankenstein shoes

Don't know why she would want to admit to those awful thoughts concerning her mum. Poor old lady was no doubt a lovely woman, but her kindness seems to have back fired on her youngest child and produced a selfish, entitled individual. It's not a unique situation though is it ? Probably like everyone else here, I know a couple of families with lovely parents who'very brought up little monsters all cos they couldn't say no and indulged their offspring to the point where now in their 20s are not the sons and daughters they would like them to be. It's a shame, but it happens, cause and effect.

Plus, pretty sure you haven't made a fortune criticising other peeps looks. I wouldn't ordinarily mention the features folk are born with UNLESS they had relentlessly taken the mick themselves out of other folks features, so Lizbott being that way inklined gives me free reign.....yes the nose, it could be leaky botox or has been said, something more recreational, but what ever it is abit squiffy, and honestly Liz if I were making a living blasting other peoples looks then I really would have got my ears sorted out first.

Today's nonsense of Diary Drivel: the transgender "quip" is made, again.

As I have pointed out in a comment to the DM that likely won't see the light of day, apart from the gratuitous insult to David's masculinity, was she not telling us just the other week how much she 'loved' football? As do I, so what on earth has one's gender to do with a love of sport or not?
The other farticle is nonsense too - I change my insurance provider virtually every year and have never been asked to produce my driving licence. If this happened at all, which I doubt, it will have to do with her occupation. Back in the dim and distant past, I worked in this industry and 'journalists' were right down there with turf accountants, actors and publicans - usually on the 'decline' list for cover - due to their perceived propensity for 'conviviality' and driving late at night when tired. Now does that remind you of anybody? Insurance companies don't operate in a bubble, if any of their operatives read her columns and the endless 'fell asleep at the wheel' stories it is hardly surprisingly that they wanted to see her licence, and they must have been turning cartwheels to discover that she had lied on her application and that they had a reason to decline cover. I note that she does not dispute that she does actually have 3 penalty points as in, 'oh well, just charge me some more'. Incredibly, she seems to think that because her paper record is not up to date, the points somehow don't exist. Incredible.

Does anyone else suspect that the gastropub incident (if it happened at all) did not pan out exactly in the way described? What, Liz didn't like the look of the starter when it arrived and quietly ordered another? She put pieces of truffle aside, again without fuss? Our Lizzie?? Do me a favour.

And being ignored is kind of part of a waiter's job, I can't imagine them taking such offence as to chase someone out about it, at risk of losing their job ... Unless of course this is yet another in the long line of waiters struck dumb by love/lust in her presence. 😄

And I'm frankly astonished that somehow the MoS is still paying her to write this rubbish when there are so many much better and funnier writers out there with their blogs and whatnot. Lizzie's spiel is so old and tired, mean spirited and incoherent. And the "humour" does not yet much above the level of that creaky Ab Fab "pun" in the p.s. to her rant about the pub.

Instead of thinking about your home as something to show off to others, why can't you just enjoy it as your own space. Maybe then you'd be a little happier. Am afraid Liz, there is more to life than impressing other people. Can't understand how you've not figured that out especially at your age !

The whole waiter business sounds a little OTT.
If you couldn't hear the waiter how could you converse with the D ?
Or do you sit there texting each other ? Surprised you didn't try to to have the "hearing" sheep dog there as an interpreter ! Lots of deaf in my family and they never announce they are profoundly deaf, in fact they call themselves deafies. They might ask someone to speak up as they are abit deaf, but no big announcments !

Was interupted mid flow so just to finish off, isn't it the case that if you get points for speeding then you're gona know cos you would have been fined for it or is that not the case ? So based on the being fined business, that means you knew there was a penalty against you yet you tried to deliberately lie about it. Tut tut.

Don't you see how you are the author of your own discontentment ? If you were more honest and less hostile to any kind of service providing staff then you wouldn't be storming around in a demented rage half the time....but...then again you are prone to the darkest fits of jealousy so maybe there's just no hope for someone like you who holds all that rage in her jaw, no wonder you swallowed your lips missus.

Apropos of diddly zip, does anyone in England other than Liz work in London, live as far away as Liz does, and commute BY CAR?? Certainly there are plenty of people who commute to London from well away, but isn't that normally done by train? Why on earth can't she drive to a train station and commute from there, if she insists on commuting?

I for one am very tired of the "David did this, I texted that" eternal and uninteresting blab and am waiting for the moment when she has to move. She's such a tease; I wish she'd get on with it! I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if Liz is going to have to be a person who loses her house and must find homes for her horses (and perhaps other animals), could it just happen? She wouldn't need Nic or her car, and with no animals, no Nic, no big house far from London, no self-pity because of her commute, who would Liz be? (David catching on and getting out is too much to hope for, I suppose, but I wouldn't wish Liz on anyone.)

I do not believe that anybody from an insurance company informed her that she had "lied". If any of this actually happened, that may have been what they meant, but they wouldn't have said it like that. I also completely don't believe the waiter story. If in fact he behaved in that way then obviously she must have treated him disgustingly to cause him to do so, but I bet he didn't. Moreover, as we all know she is not "profoundly deaf" and needs to cut out this crap.

Oh dear, more passive-aggressive madness from Liz. "If you REALLY loved me, you would mow MY lawn, pick up the hay bales for MY horses, make yourself more handsome for ME...etc etc. and don't forget to get all this done during while I leave you on your own to do MY work, which is infinitely more important then you are".

And, Mummy WON'T be pleased either if you don't eat all your dinner, so please don't do that again...

As for him expecting a birthday WEEKEND?; forget it mate, she's got some serious googling (sorry, research) to do !!

Loved her comment "..no one ever does anything for me without being paid first." Are you reading this Nic? and oh, by the way, are you still coughing up blood?

On her MOS "article" nothing about it sounds true; the thought that a waiter, driven to apoplexy because LIZ JONES didn't engage him in her conversations is just too preposterous for words. Think the real reason for not being allowed to print the name of the restaurant is that IT DIDN'T HAPPEN