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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 14-04-2013, 16:49
Sarah Soreen
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Hi Cathrin

You werent there when I started.
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Old 14-04-2013, 18:30
vampyre
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Well said Sarah Soreen.
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Old 14-04-2013, 20:24
astor
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Haven't been on here for a while but I really did think of Liz today as we we're driving round the multi story car park today looking for a space.

In the car were the following - a five year old, a 82 year old with a stick & wobbly hip & knee replacemants, and one other with chronic walking disability. Just not bad enough for the badge !

We must have passed around 20 empty disabled parking spaces on our route to the top floor !

When we all hobbled back to the car over an hour later all the same disabled spaces were still empty.

Annoying!
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Old 14-04-2013, 22:31
Mommie Dearest
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Haven't been on here for a while but I really did think of Liz today as we we're driving round the multi story car park today looking for a space.

In the car were the following - a five year old, a 82 year old with a stick & wobbly hip & knee replacemants, and one other with chronic walking disability. Just not bad enough for the badge !

We must have passed around 20 empty disabled parking spaces on our route to the top floor !

When we all hobbled back to the car over an hour later all the same disabled spaces were still empty.

Annoying!
so Astor, you therefore think that it's fine for Liz to park in a disabled space then?
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Old 15-04-2013, 08:03
Blondie X
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...wrinkles-.html

How the hell is this woman a fashion journalist? What's with the poses as well?
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Old 15-04-2013, 09:16
cathrin
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Hi Cathrin

You werent there when I started.
Hi Sarah! ...Yes, we must have been posting at the same time! ...And yes, the welfare of that poor dog is far and away the most important detail in yesterday's abysmal column. I just hope she's been taken to the vet by now....hopefully some of the comments under the column might have had some effect this time?
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Old 15-04-2013, 10:43
fitnessqueen
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Haven't been on here for a while but I really did think of Liz today as we we're driving round the multi story car park today looking for a space.

In the car were the following - a five year old, a 82 year old with a stick & wobbly hip & knee replacemants, and one other with chronic walking disability. Just not bad enough for the badge !

We must have passed around 20 empty disabled parking spaces on our route to the top floor !

When we all hobbled back to the car over an hour later all the same disabled spaces were still empty.

Annoying!
And you know what- you may have got a ticket but I'm sure no-one would have begrudged you parking there seeing as the occupants of your car had mobility problems. It's a little bit different to Liz boasting that she parks in a disabled space and then springs "gazelle"-like from her Land Rover! Or Liz boasting that she parks in a Mother and Baby space and gets out of her car clutching her posh handbag. I hope one day her swanky car gets bashed by a parent who couldn't get into one of these spaces thanks to the likes of her and is struggling to get a child out of its car seat.
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Old 15-04-2013, 16:13
coldcomfort
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Here we go again. The painfully body dysmorphic Ms Jones, of low self esteem, appears in yet another spread featuring over a dozen images of her. Does she think posing pigeon-toed makes her look cute and girly? Anything but. So, to recap - all that surgery hasn't covered the reality that she's an ageing crone, with knobbly knees, who thinks she's a fashion model. Oh, and the 'jellyfish' guest from a couple of weeks ago is quite clearly her bereaved sister from Oz. How kind.
P.S. Thank you A.H. and Becky. I am feeling a lot better now but, while I was poorly, I got a severe ear infection that rendered me 'profoundly deaf'. I can assure you that I could barely hear any callers who rang my mobile, much less perceive any 'intakes of breath' as Lizard purported to hear from the made-up RS when she was pondering his confession about being back on the ale. I can't imagine how the silly old cow copes.
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Old 15-04-2013, 16:22
Fatsia
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Glad to hear you're on the mend, Coldcomfort! Are you well enough to pen another of your rather fab spoofs yet? They've been missed!
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Old 15-04-2013, 16:29
coldcomfort
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Glad to hear you're on the mend, Coldcomfort! Are you well enough to pen another of your rather fab spoofs yet? They've been missed!
Thank you, too, Fatsia. I can feel one coming on.
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Old 15-04-2013, 17:19
maxd
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Hi, can I join the FB page please?
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Old 15-04-2013, 17:34
cathrin
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I am feeling a lot better now but, while I was poorly, I got a severe ear infection that rendered me 'profoundly deaf'. I can assure you that I could barely hear any callers who rang my mobile, much less perceive any 'intakes of breath' as Lizard purported to hear from the made-up RS when she was pondering his confession about being back on the ale. :
Good to see you back, CC, you've been missed, as have your sublime spoofs! I hope you're feeling much better now. Take care of yourself!
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Old 15-04-2013, 19:33
CollieComber
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Here we go again. The painfully body dysmorphic Ms Jones, of low self esteem, appears in yet another spread featuring over a dozen images of her. Does she think posing pigeon-toed makes her look cute and girly? Anything but. So, to recap - all that surgery hasn't covered the reality that she's an ageing crone, with knobbly knees, who thinks she's a fashion model. Oh, and the 'jellyfish' guest from a couple of weeks ago is quite clearly her bereaved sister from Oz. How kind.
P.S. Thank you A.H. and Becky. I am feeling a lot better now but, while I was poorly, I got a severe ear infection that rendered me 'profoundly deaf'. I can assure you that I could barely hear any callers who rang my mobile, much less perceive any 'intakes of breath' as Lizard purported to hear from the made-up RS when she was pondering his confession about being back on the ale. I can't imagine how the silly old cow copes.
Still, to look on the bright side, she's deffo got her anorexia under control! The thigh/bingo wing combo certainly set my mind at rest on that score! I can only surmise the execs at the Mail are plotting to make her look more and more stupid each week. Hence a middle aged crone with no discernible figure trying to look beguiling in clothes that are AT LEAST 20 years too young for her. I imagine it's her choice to look as though she's pissed herself in most of them... she's probably just pissed.
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Old 16-04-2013, 09:21
fitnessqueen
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Here we go again. The painfully body dysmorphic Ms Jones, of low self esteem, appears in yet another spread featuring over a dozen images of her. Does she think posing pigeon-toed makes her look cute and girly? Anything but. So, to recap - all that surgery hasn't covered the reality that she's an ageing crone, with knobbly knees, who thinks she's a fashion model. Oh, and the 'jellyfish' guest from a couple of weeks ago is quite clearly her bereaved sister from Oz. How kind.
P.S. Thank you A.H. and Becky. I am feeling a lot better now but, while I was poorly, I got a severe ear infection that rendered me 'profoundly deaf'. I can assure you that I could barely hear any callers who rang my mobile, much less perceive any 'intakes of breath' as Lizard purported to hear from the made-up RS when she was pondering his confession about being back on the ale. I can't imagine how the silly old cow copes.
I hope you made good use of all the disabled parking places while rendered profoundly deaf...(Glad to hear you are on the mend )
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Old 16-04-2013, 09:28
makinabrew
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Hello long time lurker,first time poster

Was listening to the Liz Kershaw show on 6 music on Saturday interviewing Jim Kerr. She added after the interview that he was not involved with the that daily mail columnist!
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Old 16-04-2013, 11:39
Fatsia
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Haha - Lizzie-lovers still seem to be going on about Jim Kerr, despite Liz herself admitting it wasn't him, back in 2011!

"She does say it's not Jim Kerr (who has apparently been dismayed at the rumours that it is him) but she won't name names."
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Old 18-04-2013, 12:50
coldcomfort
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In Which I Enter Britain's Got Talent

Well. If whatsername and Pudsey did it, why shouldn't I? I mean, that's what shy and retiring people do, isn't it, put themselves up before the public eye?
I first got tempted into entering BGT when I noticed, during one of my daily 15 mile dog walks, how deftly Michael, my border collie husband, could corner a lamb and take it out with a few choice bites. Poetry in motion and I hadn't even trained him to do it! Such ability couldn't go ignored, so I entered myself, Michael, Mini Puppy, Grace Kelly and Jess to attend the Newcastle auditions. In preparation for the big day, I'd chosen my ensemble with meticulous care; a Vivienne Westwood orange-sequined tu-tu, 8 inch Louboutin heels in emerald green, encrusted with Swarovski crystals, and a Philip Treacy fascinator in shocking pink. I'd spared no expence with the dogs, either, and kitted them out in sizzling red tuxedos by SnobDog. Perfect!
On the day of the auditions, I arrived in Newcastle and parked my Range Rover in a disabled parking bay before letting my dogs out. Unfortunately, they all immediately ran off in different directions. Oh dear. Busybody strangers, who obviously had far too much time on their hands, eventually brought them back to me with one even complaining that I should keep them on (bloody) leads! The nerve! Anyway, I had brought a 4-way harness with me and strapped it onto my babies before taking my place in my queue, although why I had to do this I do not know. Had the plebs not realised who I am? After a stupidly long wait, me and the children were registered and ready to go. I had not been looking forward to meeting Ant and Dec, as Northern oiks really irritate me, and they didn't disappoint when the first thing they asked was had I escaped from Billy Smarts. Stupid morons! And that's why I didn't feel guilty when Michael locked his jaws round Dec's left ankle. 'F***sake, man! Gerrimoff me! He's gan an' bitten me f***ing leg!' he yelled. A small pandemonium then ensued until security had disengaged Michael's teeth from the irksome Geordie japester's limb. I really couldn't understand why Dec was so upset and even Ant joined in, launching a barage of obscenities at me. Huh! Some cheeky chappies they are. Refusing to let their bile ruin my audition, we trooped on stage to be greeted by uproarious laughter from the audience. Why? We looked magnificent. Well they'd soon be cheering when they saw what my darlings were capable of. A hush settled when I raised my arm and my brood looked up at me, expectantly. 'And - twirl!' I commanded, making a circling motion with my hand. I had expected them to pirouhette in perfect unison but Jess, on her period, bless, just gawped at me and started to whimper. A tumult erupted from the crowd that sent Michael into a frenzy. He raced round, snapping and growling at floor crew, while Mini and Grace stress wee'd over my Louboutins. Poor Mini even had a bowel movement, such was her distress. I tried calling the dogs to heel but they couldn't hear me over the racket from that vile mob. The judging panel was no help either, with Walliam's fat face creased with laughter and Amanda's face - well, just rigid with botox. I looked to Simon, bearing in mind his new, softer persona, to restore calm but was horrified to see him flailing his arms and screaming at the crew. 'Get those f***ing dogs off the stage NOW! All FIVE of them!' he roared. What was he talking about? I've only got four. And I didn't even get the chance to relate my tragic back-story of my grasping, alcoholic family, my colossal debts and my shambolic love life.
Driving back to Reeth, a couple of hours later, I reflected on the day and came to the conclusion that Britain hasn't got any talent at all - other than mine; superhuman, smart, funny, generous and exhaustingly hard-working. So, one can possess all those qualities yet still be threatened by a diminutive 'star's' agent that I'd be hearing from his solicitors and that the Theatre Royal, Newcastle, would be getting in touch about damage to their equipment as, allegedly, copious amounts of urine had leaked into the electrics and blown them.
I really, really can't comprehend why my life is so hard. Why do only bad things happen to me? Why, dear God, why?
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Old 18-04-2013, 15:15
Mommie Dearest
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In Which I Enter Britain's Got Talent

Well. If whatsername and Pudsey did it, why shouldn't I? I mean, that's what shy and retiring people do, isn't it, put themselves up before the public eye?
I first got tempted into entering BGT when I noticed, during one of my daily 15 mile dog walks, how deftly Michael, my border collie husband, could corner a lamb and take it out with a few choice bites. Poetry in motion and I hadn't even trained him to do it! Such ability couldn't go ignored, so I entered myself, Michael, Mini Puppy, Grace Kelly and Jess to attend the Newcastle auditions. In preparation for the big day, I'd chosen my ensemble with meticulous care; a Vivienne Westwood orange-sequined tu-tu, 8 inch Louboutin heels in emerald green, encrusted with Swarovski crystals, and a Philip Treacy fascinator in shocking pink. I'd spared no expence with the dogs, either, and kitted them out in sizzling red tuxedos by SnobDog. Perfect!
On the day of the auditions, I arrived in Newcastle and parked my Range Rover in a disabled parking bay before letting my dogs out. Unfortunately, they all immediately ran off in different directions. Oh dear. Busybody strangers, who obviously had far too much time on their hands, eventually brought them back to me with one even complaining that I should keep them on (bloody) leads! The nerve! Anyway, I had brought a 4-way harness with me and strapped it onto my babies before taking my place in my queue, although why I had to do this I do not know. Had the plebs not realised who I am? After a stupidly long wait, me and the children were registered and ready to go. I had not been looking forward to meeting Ant and Dec, as Northern oiks really irritate me, and they didn't disappoint when the first thing they asked was had I escaped from Billy Smarts. Stupid morons! And that's why I didn't feel guilty when Michael locked his jaws round Dec's left ankle. 'F***sake, man! Gerrimoff me! He's gan an' bitten me f***ing leg!' he yelled. A small pandemonium then ensued until security had disengaged Michael's teeth from the irksome Geordie japester's limb. I really couldn't understand why Dec was so upset and even Ant joined in, launching a barage of obscenities at me. Huh! Some cheeky chappies they are. Refusing to let their bile ruin my audition, we trooped on stage to be greeted by uproarious laughter from the audience. Why? We looked magnificent. Well they'd soon be cheering when they saw what my darlings were capable of. A hush settled when I raised my arm and my brood looked up at me, expectantly. 'And - twirl!' I commanded, making a circling motion with my hand. I had expected them to pirouhette in perfect unison but Jess, on her period, bless, just gawped at me and started to whimper. A tumult erupted from the crowd that sent Michael into a frenzy. He raced round, snapping and growling at floor crew, while Mini and Grace stress wee'd over my Louboutins. Poor Mini even had a bowel movement, such was her distress. I tried calling the dogs to heel but they couldn't hear me over the racket from that vile mob. The judging panel was no help either, with Walliam's fat face creased with laughter and Amanda's face - well, just rigid with botox. I looked to Simon, bearing in mind his new, softer persona, to restore calm but was horrified to see him flailing his arms and screaming at the crew. 'Get those f***ing dogs off the stage NOW! All FIVE of them!' he roared. What was he talking about? I've only got four. And I didn't even get the chance to relate my tragic back-story of my grasping, alcoholic family, my colossal debts and my shambolic love life.
Driving back to Reeth, a couple of hours later, I reflected on the day and came to the conclusion that Britain hasn't got any talent at all - other than mine; superhuman, smart, funny, generous and exhaustingly hard-working. So, one can possess all those qualities yet still be threatened by a diminutive 'star's' agent that I'd be hearing from his solicitors and that the Theatre Royal, Newcastle, would be getting in touch about damage to their equipment as, allegedly, copious amounts of urine had leaked into the electrics and blown them.
I really, really can't comprehend why my life is so hard. Why do only bad things happen to me? Why, dear God, why?
SUPERB!!!!!!
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Old 18-04-2013, 17:22
Fatsia
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Excellent, as always Coldcomfort. Glad to see your recent borderline death hasn't affected your wit
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Old 18-04-2013, 17:36
coldcomfort
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Thanks guys. Great comment Fatsia but unfortunately I only lost my hearing - not any weight.
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Old 19-04-2013, 10:51
Fatsia
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Thanks guys. Great comment Fatsia but unfortunately I only lost my hearing - not any weight.
Well that's just downright unfair! Poor youuuuu
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Old 19-04-2013, 12:50
Saltydog1955
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Haven't been on here for a while but I really did think of Liz today as we we're driving round the multi story car park today looking for a space.

In the car were the following - a five year old, a 82 year old with a stick & wobbly hip & knee replacemants, and one other with chronic walking disability. Just not bad enough for the badge !

We must have passed around 20 empty disabled parking spaces on our route to the top floor !

When we all hobbled back to the car over an hour later all the same disabled spaces were still empty.

Annoying!
BiB - why didn't you use the parent & child parking spaces then? There's more room for people to open the doors there too.
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Old 21-04-2013, 03:41
sunstone
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Today she got me going again. ( tricked ).
I always get upset when she writes about wanting her mother to die.( clearly she has no contact with the elderly,least of all her mum).
Reading it it properly. firstly why the heck is it it wrong for Carol Thatcher to cry for her mum? That makes her" like a 12 year old" in LJ's eyes.
So Mrs Jones has been at home all along? I am sure I read that Saint LJ was the only sibling paying for her care,but it seems it was the council
The HSE do not kick people out of their homes for a boiler replacement,what complete pants. and it's only a couple of hours work..( H and S is to protect people at work Liz you dozy moo).
It seems to matter to LJ ( enough to share ) that her sister looks prematurely old after losing her son.No sh\\t sherlock! I don't think I'd be too arsed about make-up etc in her situation either.

Anyway,glad to see ColdComfort back and well,Moan done.
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Old 21-04-2013, 11:45
Amused Harpy
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Absolutely agree with your comments, sunstone.

What a vile piece of work Liz Jones is. It just shows the only feelings she has are for herself, the self-centred uncaring creature that she is.

Like you, I thought Liz Jones was paying for her mum's care but now she says it's the council. She's so full of contradictions you would never know what the real truth is. I feel so sorry for her poor old mum. It must have been hard for her bringing up a large family on a small wage and I'm sure she was a good mum to her family. Liz Jones just uses her for column fodder - disgraceful.

The Dreary was also awful, as usual. This time it was about her sister (the one from Australia whose son died) getting lost in London. She should have stayed with her instead of leaving her alone in the first place.

You were spot on about cold comfort's latest spoof, too. I thought it was hilarious and could just visualise LJ wearing a rig-out like that. If her dogs were let loose on any stage it would be a certainty that chaos would ensue. Thanks for a good laugh, cc.
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Old 21-04-2013, 11:47
scone
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The woman has delusions of grandeur and a face like an old boot, even after surgery
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