In Which I Enter Britain's Got Talent
Well. If whatsername and Pudsey did it, why shouldn't I? I mean, that's what shy and retiring people do, isn't it, put themselves up before the public eye?
I first got tempted into entering BGT when I noticed, during one of my daily 15 mile dog walks, how deftly Michael, my border collie husband, could corner a lamb and take it out with a few choice bites. Poetry in motion and I hadn't even trained him to do it! Such ability couldn't go ignored, so I entered myself, Michael, Mini Puppy, Grace Kelly and Jess to attend the Newcastle auditions. In preparation for the big day, I'd chosen my ensemble with meticulous care; a Vivienne Westwood orange-sequined tu-tu, 8 inch Louboutin heels in emerald green, encrusted with Swarovski crystals, and a Philip Treacy fascinator in shocking pink. I'd spared no expence with the dogs, either, and kitted them out in sizzling red tuxedos by SnobDog. Perfect!
On the day of the auditions, I arrived in Newcastle and parked my Range Rover in a disabled parking bay before letting my dogs out. Unfortunately, they all immediately ran off in different directions. Oh dear. Busybody strangers, who obviously had far too much time on their hands, eventually brought them back to me with one even complaining that I should keep them on (bloody) leads! The nerve! Anyway, I had brought a 4-way harness with me and strapped it onto my babies before taking my place in my queue, although why I had to do this I do not know. Had the plebs not realised who I am? After a stupidly long wait, me and the children were registered and ready to go. I had not been looking forward to meeting Ant and Dec, as Northern oiks really irritate me, and they didn't disappoint when the first thing they asked was had I escaped from Billy Smarts. Stupid morons! And that's why I didn't feel guilty when Michael locked his jaws round Dec's left ankle. 'F***sake, man! Gerrimoff me! He's gan an' bitten me f***ing leg!' he yelled. A small pandemonium then ensued until security had disengaged Michael's teeth from the irksome Geordie japester's limb. I really couldn't understand why Dec was so upset and even Ant joined in, launching a barage of obscenities at me. Huh! Some cheeky chappies they are. Refusing to let their bile ruin my audition, we trooped on stage to be greeted by uproarious laughter from the audience. Why? We looked magnificent. Well they'd soon be cheering when they saw what my darlings were capable of. A hush settled when I raised my arm and my brood looked up at me, expectantly. 'And - twirl!' I commanded, making a circling motion with my hand. I had expected them to pirouhette in perfect unison but Jess, on her period, bless, just gawped at me and started to whimper. A tumult erupted from the crowd that sent Michael into a frenzy. He raced round, snapping and growling at floor crew, while Mini and Grace stress wee'd over my Louboutins. Poor Mini even had a bowel movement, such was her distress. I tried calling the dogs to heel but they couldn't hear me over the racket from that vile mob. The judging panel was no help either, with Walliam's fat face creased with laughter and Amanda's face - well, just rigid with botox. I looked to Simon, bearing in mind his new, softer persona, to restore calm but was horrified to see him flailing his arms and screaming at the crew. 'Get those f***ing dogs off the stage NOW! All FIVE of them!' he roared. What was he talking about? I've only got four. And I didn't even get the chance to relate my tragic back-story of my grasping, alcoholic family, my colossal debts and my shambolic love life.
Driving back to Reeth, a couple of hours later, I reflected on the day and came to the conclusion that Britain hasn't got any talent at all - other than mine; superhuman, smart, funny, generous and exhaustingly hard-working. So, one can possess all those qualities yet still be threatened by a diminutive 'star's' agent that I'd be hearing from his solicitors and that the Theatre Royal, Newcastle, would be getting in touch about damage to their equipment as, allegedly, copious amounts of urine had leaked into the electrics and blown them.
I really, really can't comprehend why my life is so hard. Why do only bad things happen to me? Why, dear God, why?