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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 14-08-2013, 20:29
Sarah Soreen
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I got this rancid missive from my agent.
'I'm cutting straight to the chase!' it began, without preamble. 'Your book sales have been an unmitigated disaster, reviews have been worse than dreadful and it appears it's the memoir nobody in their right mind actually does want to read. Basically, it's f**king rubbish and I'm getting it in the neck from high up that after all the hoo-ha it's sunk without trace! No, scratch that - it's probably lining cat shitters up and down the country by now! I hope you haven't spent the f**king advance yet?!!!'
The stupid idiot! Does he not know me at all? Of course I've spent it! How could my doggie pack survive without hand-sewn meerkat pelt bootees? And Lizzie, my rescued racehorse, simply wouldn't have been able to go on without the full bodycon suit made from buttery-soft Thomson's gazelle skins, cunningly crafted by mountain gorillas in misty conditions, now would she?
I've taken flak from every quarter these last few weeks; my family, for one, should be devoted and loyal to me. But no. They have been despicable as always, sending me nasty and hurtful emails, akin to poison pen in my opinion, and attacking my integrity. And for what? For buying them garden sheds? Providing them with my hospitality and catering for their every whim? For buying one particular bullying piece of work a house? All I've ever done is give and give again and never, ever, mentioned to a living soul how selfless I've been. No-one in the whole world except me knows that I bought a house for a bully, for example. I've never done anything wrong in my entire hard-working, important and self-effacing life.
So, bearing these superb qualities in mind, I decided to go on a retreat, a sabbatical if you will, to escape all the jealousy and bitterness directed at me from jealous and bitter busybodies. I decided to become a nun for a day, as they don't have sex either, so I fitted all the criterion.
After contacting Marrick Priory, quite near to my beautiful, rented, grade two listed house, complete with my very own waterfall, I gained an audience with the Mother Superior at 2 o' clock on the dot on Monday.
But what to wear? I didn't think six-inch Loubs would be practical for treading the cloisters, so emailed Philip Treacy, commisioning a wimple in silk, and then a jewellers in Hatton Garden to fashion me a mother-of-pearl rosary. Real pearl, mind. I'm still waiting to hear from either as I type.
Whatever. On the Monday of my 'interview', I strode into Mother Superior's office and smiled warmly at her. She looked startled and recoiled. 'Don't grimace at me child!' she gasped, 'We are a very private people and strangers are not often granted entry into our humble home. Tell me, what do you wish to gain from your visit today?'
Well, apart from letting on that it would make good column fodder, what with all the plain-Janes wandering around the place and her looking like Zelda from Terrorhawks, I told her I was looking to find peace and succour from all the horrible people who were out to make my life a total misery. She nodded sagely and, rising from her chair, told me to kneel. Placing her gnarled hand upon my frizzy head, she told me I would now be known as Sister Lizardine, and told me to pray for all the wonderful things that would make my awful life bearable.
'Dear God,' I began. 'I have been told to pray for a better life than the intollerable one I am forced to lead now. Here goes. I pray my bank manager will advance me a mortgage on my rented grade two listed house, and I pray Prince will come into my life and give me a real pearl necklace, and I pray that Victoria Beckham will stop being nasty to me and invite me to her next collection, and I pray that your Son will resurrect Davy Jones and send him to my house, and I pr . . .'
'No, no, no, Sister Lizardine!' she snapped. 'That's not what I meant at all! Why, those are the things people with loose scruples and no ambition would want for themselves. Tut tut! I wanted you to ask for the simple things in life. Attainable things that make people happy. Tell me, what are your favourite things?' Looking at Mother Zelda's wizened face (she really ought to do Botox) I scrabbled around for an answer. All the above are my favourite things. Then, inspiration! Looking coyly up through my false lashes at Mother Zelda, I replied, 'Um . . . whiskers on kittens? Err . . . warm woollen mittens?'
'Get out!' she told me, unceremoniously.
So there you have it, dear reader. Even women of the cloth turn against me. I really don't know how long I can carry on. I really don't.
I have laughed so hard it brought me to tears! Made my day. Thank you so much

I wish the DM would swap her Diary for your parodies! Pure class. Loved it
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Old 18-08-2013, 08:05
newbaby
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I have absolutely no idea what today's diary is about. Which, I suppose, means it's me who's unhinged to be reading such a drizzle of nonsense.

Last edited by newbaby : 18-08-2013 at 08:06. Reason: grammar failure
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Old 18-08-2013, 09:15
alaninmcr
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I have absolutely no idea what today's diary is about. Which, I suppose, means it's me who's unhinged to be reading such a drizzle of nonsense.
I have a sad image of her walking home from the cinema, all alone, imagining what her life could be like if she wasn't so "unhinged".
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Old 18-08-2013, 09:40
Badcat
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well... her column in the Fail today is pretty disgusting to the poor and needy.

1. She has contributed less to the worlds problems by eating less than her share of the worlds resources. cos she is anorexic and therefore doesn't eat as much as the presenters of Masterchef (dig at people who are not underweight there like anything other than being underweight is a BAD thing)
2. all cookery shows are EVIL if they cook meat on it.
3. she has no pity for people who are forced to use food banks if they eat meat or dairy.
4. real men eat quinoa.

Then she is going to call the police on someone who left a comment about her. When she moaned in the article that she gets over 200o comments on the website and she should be allowed to say what she wants. (but the people leaving comments are not allowed to say what they want?)

Madder than a box of swollen bellied rabid badgers after gorging on a barn full of quinoa.

I need a lie down before reading her You mag ramblings.
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Old 18-08-2013, 10:09
Badcat
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I have absolutely no idea what today's diary is about. Which, I suppose, means it's me who's unhinged to be reading such a drizzle of nonsense.
I don't understand it...

so basically...

because she is deaf she cannot watch films (hello! there are things to assist the deaf! And use the ****ing pricey free hearing aids you got from specsavers! )

She fecking pisses me off with this. "I'm deaf... wah! please don't abuse and discriminate against me" frack off Liz. I'm deaf in one ear, I use a hearing aid. My hearing is going in the other an I'm a lot younger than you are. Sometimes you have to help yourself and not expect everyone and the world to change just for you. Amazing how she manages to hear things when someone phones her though.

"and I don't want to go into supermarket so I will wait outside and then I'll moan about the bread and the avocados he will get because I'm fussy"??!

What!? How old is she? 8?! get your own flipping bread and avocados if they mean that much to you woman.

god... there are people with no home, no money, no hope with more of a sunnier outlook than that dried up quinoa of a person.

And no amount of soaking her wizened veggie shell in the milk of human kindness would ever help her.. because she doesn't agree with drinking milk.

(and the man loves the fact the cartoons make her look sooooo alone... and sooooooo young!) LOL
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Old 18-08-2013, 10:36
mivvykins
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I got this rancid missive from my agent.
'I'm cutting straight to the chase!' it began, without preamble. 'Your book sales have been an unmitigated disaster, reviews have been worse than dreadful and it appears it's the memoir nobody in their right mind actually does want to read. Basically, it's f**king rubbish and I'm getting it in the neck from high up that after all the hoo-ha it's sunk without trace! No, scratch that - it's probably lining cat shitters up and down the country by now! I hope you haven't spent the f**king advance yet?!!!'
The stupid idiot! Does he not know me at all? Of course I've spent it! How could my doggie pack survive without hand-sewn meerkat pelt bootees? And Lizzie, my rescued racehorse, simply wouldn't have been able to go on without the full bodycon suit made from buttery-soft Thomson's gazelle skins, cunningly crafted by mountain gorillas in misty conditions, now would she?
I've taken flak from every quarter these last few weeks; my family, for one, should be devoted and loyal to me. But no. They have been despicable as always, sending me nasty and hurtful emails, akin to poison pen in my opinion, and attacking my integrity. And for what? For buying them garden sheds? Providing them with my hospitality and catering for their every whim? For buying one particular bullying piece of work a house? All I've ever done is give and give again and never, ever, mentioned to a living soul how selfless I've been. No-one in the whole world except me knows that I bought a house for a bully, for example. I've never done anything wrong in my entire hard-working, important and self-effacing life.
So, bearing these superb qualities in mind, I decided to go on a retreat, a sabbatical if you will, to escape all the jealousy and bitterness directed at me from jealous and bitter busybodies. I decided to become a nun for a day, as they don't have sex either, so I fitted all the criterion.
After contacting Marrick Priory, quite near to my beautiful, rented, grade two listed house, complete with my very own waterfall, I gained an audience with the Mother Superior at 2 o' clock on the dot on Monday.
But what to wear? I didn't think six-inch Loubs would be practical for treading the cloisters, so emailed Philip Treacy, commisioning a wimple in silk, and then a jewellers in Hatton Garden to fashion me a mother-of-pearl rosary. Real pearl, mind. I'm still waiting to hear from either as I type.
Whatever. On the Monday of my 'interview', I strode into Mother Superior's office and smiled warmly at her. She looked startled and recoiled. 'Don't grimace at me child!' she gasped, 'We are a very private people and strangers are not often granted entry into our humble home. Tell me, what do you wish to gain from your visit today?'
Well, apart from letting on that it would make good column fodder, what with all the plain-Janes wandering around the place and her looking like Zelda from Terrorhawks, I told her I was looking to find peace and succour from all the horrible people who were out to make my life a total misery. She nodded sagely and, rising from her chair, told me to kneel. Placing her gnarled hand upon my frizzy head, she told me I would now be known as Sister Lizardine, and told me to pray for all the wonderful things that would make my awful life bearable.
'Dear God,' I began. 'I have been told to pray for a better life than the intollerable one I am forced to lead now. Here goes. I pray my bank manager will advance me a mortgage on my rented grade two listed house, and I pray Prince will come into my life and give me a real pearl necklace, and I pray that Victoria Beckham will stop being nasty to me and invite me to her next collection, and I pray that your Son will resurrect Davy Jones and send him to my house, and I pr . . .'
'No, no, no, Sister Lizardine!' she snapped. 'That's not what I meant at all! Why, those are the things people with loose scruples and no ambition would want for themselves. Tut tut! I wanted you to ask for the simple things in life. Attainable things that make people happy. Tell me, what are your favourite things?' Looking at Mother Zelda's wizened face (she really ought to do Botox) I scrabbled around for an answer. All the above are my favourite things. Then, inspiration! Looking coyly up through my false lashes at Mother Zelda, I replied, 'Um . . . whiskers on kittens? Err . . . warm woollen mittens?'
'Get out!' she told me, unceremoniously.
So there you have it, dear reader. Even women of the cloth turn against me. I really don't know how long I can carry on. I really don't.
Brilliant writing CC )
Just what I need to bring me back to reality after reading Jones' two barren articles today. !!!! I'm still chortling away 10 minutes on!
So we'd better watch out if Jones is going to the Police to report us for being nasty to her? I hope all the people she's been horrible to will go too.
I remember her jottings down when she questioned why Alexa Chung was wearing a fully sleeved shirt, and asked if it was to cover up her (Alexa's) Psoriasis. Then the Psoriasis Association waded into the comments arena to register a complaint.
Aah the list is endless!
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Old 18-08-2013, 10:52
jeff_vader
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Madder than a box of swollen bellied rabid badgers after gorging on a barn full of quinoa.
If only her writing was as good as this (and coldcomfort's)
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Old 18-08-2013, 11:27
sunstone
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Another fabulous post from CC,thanks.

I gave up on the farticle when I got to LJ comparing how she watches cookery programmes to like a nun watches porn. What the actual hell?
As for the dreary,even more senseless than usual. Only LJ could watch the third film in a trilogy and still not know the main character's name. At least it's only the pretendy boyfriend getting grief this week, her family and friends get a brief reprieve.
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Old 18-08-2013, 12:27
fizzycat
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Another fabulous post from CC,thanks.

I gave up on the farticle when I got to LJ comparing how she watches cookery programmes to like a nun watches porn. What the actual hell?
.
I left a comment educating her about the origins of buttery soft leather (i.e. from a 'dead animal') but they don't seem very keen to publish it.
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Old 18-08-2013, 12:51
mivvykins
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Sorry cold comfort, I meant to write instead of !

Just trawling through the internet to find the social media thingy but cant find it. Anyone got a link?
I did find an article in the Stylist magazine which was a recent interview with Jones. As usual, more contradictions!

Apologies if it's been discussed before, I haven't had chance to follow this thread in ages.

http://www.stylist.co.uk/people/the-...mage-rotator-1

My favourites are below....

Stylist: Is it really important if Theresa May looks good?

Jones: I think I wrote about [the then culture secretary] Andy Burnhamís wife looking like an Eastern European refugee. I do think women have a responsibility to look groomed, same as President Obama would never come out wearing a tracksuit, he always looks immaculate. Theresa May shouldnít have worn those leopard print shoes.
Looking well groomed in the clip below Jones pffft!!!
http://www.itv.com/news/meridian/sea...arch+In+London

Yet another gaffe....

Stylist: Do you wish youíd had children?

Jones: Yeah I do. I go to the Dolce & Gabbana show and all the women are on their phones speaking to their nannies but Iíve got no-one to call.
(So she wanted a child just so she could talk to a nanny like the others???!)

Stylist: Would having a child have helped?

Jones: No, I donít think so. I wouldnít want a daughter to have the life Iíve had, Iím too in love with the image of perfection. I donít weigh myself any more but Iím very fussy about what I eat. In a typical day I would eat muesli and nothing for dinner. I see not eating as a sign of superiority over other people.

Amazing that she turns a question about her having children into what she'd typically eat on any given day and feeling superior for not eating pfft!!

Another one...
Stylist: Do you look down on curvy women?

Jones: No I donít. I admire women who are bigger because I know I couldnít do that because Iím so brainwashed and all I want is women to stop thinking that how they look is the most important thing.

I'm still trying to find the article where Jones said how post baby, Holly Willoughby still looked pregnant


So she doesn't eat and feels superior over others because of that?!
Piece here by Suzanne Moore for the Guardian, reviewing Jones' latest book.

Moore says "At dinner, I ate my editor's bread roll, as I'm still never quite sure whose plate is whose. So not only had I eaten carbohydrates, which is illegal in Liz world. I had also eaten my boss's food.
She had not consumed even the tiny "vegan canapťs" that had been prepared for her. If there is anything more despairing than these blobs of non-food, I don't know what it is."
So on that day, Jones obviously felt far superior than the others around her!
I suspect the feeling of superiority doesn't stop with not eating with others.

I wish Jones would give up on the "I'm a borderline anorexic" story. She's already given the game away by saying she had read a book on 'Living with someone with Borderline Personality disorder', obviously Nirpal's book.
Jones is a classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits that restricts her eating as a form of control over negative aspects of her life. If she's been slighted or going through a period of emotional instability, she will stop eating for a while. A true anorexic would carry on not eating, exercising like crazy, but most of all, doing all they could to avoid eating at all. Liz still eats bread, advocados and muesli amongst other things. True anorexics wouldn't touch anything with carbs.

Jones is doing all the people out there (mostly women, but some men too) with BPD a disservice by keeping quiet about her mental health. There's enough stigma already, yet she hasn't cottoned on that she could talk about her mental health in her diary and get more mileage out of it and respect, instead of regurgitating the same old, same old 'poor me'. Jones says she 'bares her soul' but she doesn't really.

Another comment by Moore that I hadn't thought of before ...
"Jones was anorexic long before any of this, and her obsession with the bodies of certain models at points made me wonder if her sexual "problem" is merely that she is gay."
Phew !

http://www.theguardian.com/books/201...-likely-review

Cant wait for the next excerpt in the Moore v Jones catfight!
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Old 18-08-2013, 14:12
sunstone
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Hi Mivvykins,
Yes those articles have been discussed. Her feelings of superiority because she fasts are one of the reasons I most dislike her. Having experience of anorexics, superiority is the least of their feelings.
I don't do the social media thing,only DS. Maybe someone later will help you.
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Old 18-08-2013, 19:00
Squatch
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What is this "true anorexics don't eat carbs" bull mivvykins? Are you an expert on this complicated mental health disease? Clearly not. They each have there own personal method for controlling what they eat. The no-carb business is a recent fad, maybe in a few years there will be a high-carb fashion and people will erroneously associate that with anorexia instead.

By the way people, Liz Jones is not vegan - it's an identity based on non-harm, not a diet choice. She buys animal product clothing, and there are many examples within her articles in which she seems to be saying stereotypical things that outsiders would think a vegan would say or do. She's just bastardising the word vegan because she thinks it adds to her faux-anorexic public persona, and also because people really despise vegans so there's a lot of mileage for trolling there. Remember, she's just a troll. I'm really peed off by this as a vegan, and hope no latent anti-vegan prejudice ends up spilling over onto this thread just because you all hate LJ. I've seen some really unfair and unpleasant comments in old Liz threads I've glanced through.
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Old 18-08-2013, 23:28
sunstone
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What is this "true anorexics don't eat carbs" bull mivvykins? Are you an expert on this complicated mental health disease? Clearly not. They each have there own personal method for controlling what they eat. The no-carb business is a recent fad, maybe in a few years there will be a high-carb fashion and people will erroneously associate that with anorexia instead.

By the way people, Liz Jones is not vegan - it's an identity based on non-harm, not a diet choice. She buys animal product clothing, and there are many examples within her articles in which she seems to be saying stereotypical things that outsiders would think a vegan would say or do. She's just bastardising the word vegan because she thinks it adds to her faux-anorexic public persona, and also because people really despise vegans so there's a lot of mileage for trolling there. Remember, she's just a troll. I'm really peed off by this as a vegan, and hope no latent anti-vegan prejudice ends up spilling over onto this thread just because you all hate LJ. I've seen some really unfair and unpleasant comments in old Liz threads I've glanced through.
BIB I don't think that is remotely true. LJ gets stick because she claims to be vegan but wears silk and leather. I have never seen anyone here criticise vegans.

There are worse trolls than LJ.
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Old 19-08-2013, 08:11
Seabird
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Another fabulous post from CC,thanks.

I gave up on the farticle when I got to LJ comparing how she watches cookery programmes to like a nun watches porn. What the actual hell?
Yes, I thought Liz might be spoofing our Cold Comfort, especially with this line: "Like a nun who, fascinated and appalled, might watch porn, I gaze at these shows incredulous, knowing I will never perform these feats, never allow any of these things to enter my mouth."
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Old 20-08-2013, 17:22
cathrin
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I know we're always saying this, but has she ever actually listened to a conversation between a man and a woman? No man (in any walk of life, let alone a rock star) has talked like this in the last 50 years. "My, he was poetic". 'My?' It's like the way people spoke in Enid Blyton stories!

"You are mad. You are unhinged. You are saying the romance has gone out of our relationship." Liz, for the millionth time, people don't say "You are" in normal informal conversation, they say "You're"!
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Old 20-08-2013, 17:55
vampyre
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I know we're always saying this, but has she ever actually listened to a conversation between a man and a woman? No man (in any walk of life, let alone a rock star) has talked like this in the last 50 years. "My, he was poetic". 'My?' It's like the way people spoke in Enid Blyton stories!

"You are mad. You are unhinged. You are saying the romance has gone out of our relationship." Liz, for the millionth time, people don't say "You are" in normal informal conversation, they say "You're"!
Well either she fears contractions as she is a child woman or it gets her word count up.
For someone who's supposed to have a 750 word piece it is usually a little over 660 including the title.
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Old 20-08-2013, 18:40
sunstone
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Well either she fears contractions as she is a child woman or it gets her word count up.
For someone who's supposed to have a 750 word piece it is usually a little over 660 including the title.
Whoops,misread that as a childless woman,as in fears childbirth.

You are probably right though, all about the word count, whatever tosh it is.
I've never seen Sex in the City,Is that the way her heroine speaks?
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Old 20-08-2013, 18:52
Seabird
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Agree Cathrin about the RS, more Maiden-aunt than Iron Maiden. I reccomend that Liz reads Motley Crue's collective autobiography 'The Dirt' to get the drift of how real rocker's voices can come over as authentic in print. She may need a large dose of smelling salts though, like vegansism and animal care, she probably can't deal with the real thing.
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Old 21-08-2013, 09:04
mivvykins
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What is this "true anorexics don't eat carbs" bull mivvykins? Are you an expert on this complicated mental health disease? Clearly not. They each have there own personal method for controlling what they eat. The no-carb business is a recent fad, maybe in a few years there will be a high-carb fashion and people will erroneously associate that with anorexia instead.

By the way people, Liz Jones is not vegan - it's an identity based on non-harm, not a diet choice. She buys animal product clothing, and there are many examples within her articles in which she seems to be saying stereotypical things that outsiders would think a vegan would say or do. She's just bastardising the word vegan because she thinks it adds to her faux-anorexic public persona, and also because people really despise vegans so there's a lot of mileage for trolling there. Remember, she's just a troll. I'm really peed off by this as a vegan, and hope no latent anti-vegan prejudice ends up spilling over onto this thread just because you all hate LJ. I've seen some really unfair and unpleasant comments in old Liz threads I've glanced through.
First of all, anorexia isn't a mental health "disease" it's a 'disorder'.
Second, my sister was raped when she was a teenager and became a different person through the trauma.
My sister self harmed, she became a vegetarian, then a vegan and wouldn't touch any carbs like potato or pasta.

On one of her many episodes of being hospitalised, I watched her push mashed potato into her hair as a way of spoiling the food so she couldn't eat it. She was only allowed to wear shorts with no pockets, sleeveless tops and flip flops as shoving food into pockets or up sleeves or in socks was another common occurrence, later disposing of the food in the toilets.

Then she found forums on the internet about veganism. One person told her that there were still carbs in vegan food and the salads that she would eat, so she ended up not eating anything and just drinking orange juice diluted with hot water.

My sister was soon in a specialist hospital in London, detained under the Mental Health Act where she eventually passed away.
Because she had no muscle tissue left and was literally skin and bones, her digestive system turned to her organs. Her lungs began to dissolve first and air escaped into the rest of her body. My beautiful sister died looking as if she had been inflated.

Before you throw a wobbly and think I'm attacking veganism, I'm not. I blame the monster that raped my sister in the first place. That made her desperately try to regain control of her life by the only way she could, restricting what she ate, and by self harming.
The idiot from the Vegan forum might not have known my sister was anorexic but stupid throwaway comments such as "vegan food has carbs" can be deadly, as it proved to be for my sister.

So don't get off your grandiose high horse and tell me I'm not an expert. My sister wasn't the only anorexic in the hospital that wouldn't touch carbs!

Go back to your dissection (yawn) of Lady Gaga music and get your kick out of feeling far superior than everyone else there.
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Old 22-08-2013, 02:22
ILoveMyDog
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I see not eating as a sign of superiority over other people.
I've never liked this odd woman but that comment just proves how messed up she is
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Old 22-08-2013, 11:23
sunstone
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I've never liked this odd woman but that comment just proves how messed up she is
That comment just proves that she knows toss all about eating disorders. Mivvykins,I am terribly sorry for the loss you and your family have gone through.

Today we get get another Mary Berry worshipfest.
Mrs Jones cooked/cleaned/washed/ironed for all her children,but has had many articles written to imply she was a worthless drudge. ( especially if compared to handsome Daddy). Now she is to be praised. Pity she didn't write a best selling cookery book 40 years ago, she might have got some LizLove too.
Why on earth does she keep saying her mum can only have warm water from a pipette for sustenance? ( apart from the sludge article). She would not be surviving this way. Oh but maybe this is just a bit of projection/wishful thinking on Ms J's part.
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Old 22-08-2013, 11:52
teacup333
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'In case you are unfamiliar with my neuroses, let me enlighten you.'

....just in case someone from the lost tribe of the Kalahari happens across this piece
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Old 22-08-2013, 11:57
sunstone
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'In case you are unfamiliar with my neuroses, let me enlighten you.'

....just in case someone from the lost tribe of the Kalahari happens across this piece
, And the innocents wept as they thought this was a review of a BBC cake making programme.
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Old 22-08-2013, 16:57
fitnessqueen
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, And the innocents wept as they thought this was a review of a BBC cake making programme.
Is it possible for the Lizard to pen a farticle on any subject without returning to mememememe?
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Old 22-08-2013, 19:49
jeff_vader
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^ ninja'd by fitnessqueen .

I speed-read the GBBO piece...no, I lie, just glanced over it as her usual buzzwords just leapt off the page. Memememe, tra la la....
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