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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 22-09-2013, 14:50
sunstone
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She has definately been given an ultimatum by the MoS to make things less morbid. Normally the diary themes are predictably rotated each week: sick animals, horrible family, RS, borderline-anorexia. To my knowledge this is the first time that one subject has been carried on for several weeks, her new 'boyfriend' is indeed a real person and they are alledgedly behaving and indeed looking like the creepy hairy couple from the 'Joy of Sex' in the 1970s. Definately an unholy business alliance but surely no one wants to read that on a Sunday morning.
Thanks for the reminder of THAT book. scarred us for life as teens..I really hope none of the scenarios that are burned into my brain get revived...especially the long hair one *vomit*

It totally is a business deal, as if she would be indulging on the hideous cerise sofas.
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Old 22-09-2013, 15:19
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It's fascinating to watch her tie herself up in knots to prove that THIS man is real. Full name, former address complete with door number, loads of specific details to make sure we're in absolutely no doubt that this one is a real person. Ironically, by going to such ridiculous lengths to prove that he actually exists, she simply confirms how UNreal and lacking in authenticity the previous "relationship" was!

...And despite all the "real" stuff, she still can't help herself from switching straight into Mills & Boon mode whenever any romantic dialogue or behind-closed-doors saucy activity is called for. Immediately the poor chap sheds all his "real" trimmings and magically morphs into a flowery-sweet-talking soppy romantic hero, showering her with lavish compliments and generally speaking in language no real man would ever utter in a million years.

....Or, even more creepily, he starts doing that awful aggressive-sexual-advances thing that used to be considered strong, masterful and sexy a few decades ago, when romantic heroes in novels regularly pushed their quivering heroines up against pillars and said domineering, masterful things like "You're coming home with me" (RS) or "No, we're going back to your place" (DS). Brrrr! Someone needs to explain to Liz that this sort of thing doesn't actually go down awfully well with real women in real relationships in the 21st century!

As for that final paragraph, in which she suddenly remembered she had a boyfriend who really ought to be put in the picture....Words fail me. She clearly imagines women everywhere will be punching the air in support of her brave and feisty "double-parking" adventures....when in fact they're all appalled by her hypocrisy. All these years of railing against her ex for his infidelity, now suddenly she wants to be seen as doing the same thing and proud of it!

I also can't help noticing that she has now started referring to the FRS in the same dismissive, disrespectful way that she used to refer to N ("the boyfriend"). Nice.
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Old 22-09-2013, 15:45
sunstone
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I think she has gone from pretending to be Bridget Jones to the Sex and the City thing, and we are now on to a 50 Shades obsession. Gawd help us all.
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Old 22-09-2013, 15:50
Brighton Bhelle
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I think she has gone from pretending to be Bridget Jones to the Sex and the City thing, and we are now on to a 50 Shades obsession. Gawd help us all.
Don't give her ideas.

She'll be getting out the whips and butt-plugs in the next few weeks, then I can guarantee vomiting all round.
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:02
sunstone
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Don't give her ideas.

She'll be getting out the whips and butt-plugs in the next few weeks, then I can guarantee vomiting all round.
Arggh, I have read none of the books ,( saw the BJ film), haven't watched SATC. If the 50 shades are as bad as they sound ,LJ and the witchy man won't be informing my love life .thanks all the same.
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:15
pinkwafer
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The woman is hilarious. Who says to a bloke, "I've got beautiful feet" ?
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:18
Brighton Bhelle
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The woman is hilarious. Who says to a bloke, "I've got beautiful feet" ?
...and what bloke says ''You have beautiful everything''?

Ick to the max.
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:23
sunstone
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...and what bloke says ''You have beautiful everything''?

Ick to the max.
My husband calls me Sasquatch. One of his better pet names.
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:29
Blondie X
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...and what bloke says ''You have beautiful everything''?

Ick to the max.
One that is trying to get into your underwear for the first time maybe? (and I don't mean in an Alex Reid sort of way )
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Old 22-09-2013, 16:35
Brighton Bhelle
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One that is trying to get into your underwear for the first time maybe? (and I don't mean in an Alex Reid sort of way )
Liz is so needy and unworldly as far as men go, she probably wouldn't recognise the I-want-to-get-into-your-pants factor, and just regards it as 'Oh, he must really LOVE me to say that!!'

In a matter of weeks she's gone from someone who freezes at a man's touch to sex on the first date with no hangups at all. Perhaps all the therapy courses the DM sent her on are finally sinking into her addled brain. Or not.
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Old 22-09-2013, 17:27
weedledeedle
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One that is trying to get into your underwear for the first time maybe? (and I don't mean in an Alex Reid sort of way )
Lol to the max!

Not been on DS for looooong time and was just having a peruse of all things "showbiz" when I found this thread..

I have to confess to reading LJ's *cough ahem* "diary" every Sunday as I munch on my toast (un vegan and totally pro dairy butter on bog standard non organic wheat filled Mighty White bread) together with a cup of PGTips (Fairtrade ) so I was delighted to see this homage to Lizzie's weekly chunters on what is in truth a fictional lifestyle.

I cannot believe for a nanosecond that this brand new (real time) boyf has visited the "marital bed" at the same time as she did and she stayed in it and did the deed!

Did she have time to plait her Brazilian? dye her eyelashes? Feed her cats "organic" prawns (what part of the deep blue sea is the "organic" bit pray tell? and oil her hair before she slipped between her 1,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets and cashmere throw and made the love?
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Old 22-09-2013, 18:02
Brighton Bhelle
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Lol to the max!

Not been on DS for looooong time and was just having a peruse of all things "showbiz" when I found this thread..

I have to confess to reading LJ's *cough ahem* "diary" every Sunday as I munch on my toast (un vegan and totally pro dairy butter on bog standard non organic wheat filled Mighty White bread) together with a cup of PGTips (Fairtrade ) so I was delighted to see this homage to Lizzie's weekly chunters on what is in truth a fictional lifestyle.

I cannot believe for a nanosecond that this brand new (real time) boyf has visited the "marital bed" at the same time as she did and she stayed in it and did the deed!

Did she have time to plait her Brazilian? dye her eyelashes? Feed her cats "organic" prawns (what part of the deep blue sea is the "organic" bit pray tell? and oil her hair before she slipped between her 1,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets and cashmere throw and made the love?
Don't forget the one nobody's ever heard of - the great 'teeth steam'.
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Old 22-09-2013, 18:28
weedledeedle
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Don't forget the one nobody's ever heard of - the great 'teeth steam'.
Teeth steam? Perhaps she takes them out and pops them in one of those durable steam bags that I cook my veg in in the microwave? .... Would think it would be virtually impossible or any human being to be able to tolerate the heat making the "steam" in the first place after all, we are measuring temperatures in excess of 100 degrees ... And what utensil is she using to facilitate the steaming of her molars?

And once "steamed" does she use one of them sharpy pointy stick things to poke between her teeth to extricate her Fairtrade vegan food particles?

I want to know now...as I might do this myself

Would it work if I just plonked the spout of a boiling kettle in my mouth though? *prolly could never afford a name branded steam cleaner so will have to make do with suitable kitchen equipment
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Old 22-09-2013, 18:34
sunstone
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Teeth steam? Perhaps she takes them out and pops them in one of those durable steam bags that I cook my veg in in the microwave? .... Would think it would be virtually impossible or any human being to be able to tolerate the heat making the "steam" in the first place after all, we are measuring temperatures in excess of 100 degrees ... And what utensil is she using to facilitate the steaming of her molars?

And once "steamed" does she use one of them sharpy pointy stick things to poke between her teeth to extricate her Fairtrade vegan food particles?

I want to know now...as I might do this myself

Would it work if I just plonked the spout of a boiling kettle in my mouth though? *prolly could never afford a name branded steam cleaner so will have to make do with suitable kitchen equipment
Sort of poaching your teeth, with your head in danger. Maybe add a dash of Balsamic .
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Old 22-09-2013, 19:19
fitnessqueen
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Teeth steam? Perhaps she takes them out and pops them in one of those durable steam bags that I cook my veg in in the microwave? .... Would think it would be virtually impossible or any human being to be able to tolerate the heat making the "steam" in the first place after all, we are measuring temperatures in excess of 100 degrees ... And what utensil is she using to facilitate the steaming of her molars?

And once "steamed" does she use one of them sharpy pointy stick things to poke between her teeth to extricate her Fairtrade vegan food particles?

I want to know now...as I might do this myself

Would it work if I just plonked the spout of a boiling kettle in my mouth though? *prolly could never afford a name branded steam cleaner so will have to make do with suitable kitchen equipment
Welcome back Weedle! Just to add to the quota today I'm sure there was a piece in her book about her sharp teeth doing some damage to a sensitive part of Nirp's anatomy.
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:23
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There was - allegedly, she gave him an ulcer in the course of her, um, wifely duties. 'Course, that may just be how he told her he got it (sorry if anyone's eating...).
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:27
fitnessqueen
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There was - allegedly, she gave him an ulcer in the course of her, um, wifely duties. 'Course, that may just be how he told her he got it (sorry if anyone's eating...).
Boak
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:30
Badcat
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Can we start some group therapy please?? I think I need some counseling after the "cat's cradle of arms and legs" bit.

Oh god, I just threw up in my mouth a bit again at the thought of it...
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:34
vampyre
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The exact quote doesn't really make it clear which of them sustained the ulcer.
I never know whether this vague to the point of unfathomable is deliberate or another symptom of how her once passable writing has declined.

"I didn't even stop when one of my sharp back teeth caused an ulcer"
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:44
sunstone
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So " Mrs I Won't Expose My Boobs" did this rudiness?

Is this all in the book? Or as Fitnessqueen renamed it "The Boak"
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:46
vampyre
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That quote is taken from an interview with the very pleasant Rachel Cooke

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandst...ones-interview
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Old 22-09-2013, 20:57
weedledeedle
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Welcome back Weedle! Just to add to the quota today I'm sure there was a piece in her book about her sharp teeth doing some damage to a sensitive part of Nirp's anatomy.
Thank you FQ I am glad to be back, I didn't realise how much I missed this place, until I read 90% of this thread I've alternated between giggling like a trouper at most of the posts or gurning in horror at reading about Liz's exploits .... The woman is off her box - along with the likes of Samantha Brick and the latest people looking for their "controversial 15 minutes of fame by making ridiculous statements" Shona Sibary.... And of course, Katie Hopkins...

I don't know how much of what she writes is the truth because so contradicts herself so often... But what I would like to know is how much commission she gets for all the product name dropping she does! Her column ought to have a big letter P at the top like you see at the start of Corrie and Big Brother!

She ought to start name dropping expensive brands of hearing aids that she likes, she might cop a free one and that will solve her "deafness"
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Old 22-09-2013, 21:20
vampyre
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Eh she's had the state of the art hearing aids as a very expensive freebie.
She refuses to wear them as she prefers being deaf,
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Old 22-09-2013, 21:42
weedledeedle
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Eh she's had the state of the art hearing aids as a very expensive freebie.
She refuses to wear them as she prefers being deaf,
Oooooh I never knew that! I must have missed that bit in her diary!

She mizzzes on about being Mutt n Jeff but it's now a lifestyle preference for her? For the sympathy vote? Her deafness is a convenience anyway...

Pah... Stupid woman....

Those people who have no choice but to live in a silent world would love to be able to afford one of those digital hearing aids. She ought to donate it to someone more needy than her but Liz Jones and "charitable acts to humans" is a non event...
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Old 22-09-2013, 22:16
vampyre
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It wasn't in the diary.
India Knight hints very strongly that the deafness appeared from out of nowhere.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/ar...rpowering.html
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