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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 22-09-2013, 22:40
Seabird
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Cathrin as always has hit the nail on the head about the ridiculous amout of personal detail she has given out about David Scrace (even anouncing their union at the meet 'n' greet apparantly before it was in the the Diary). Yes, Liz has a REAL boyfriend, yah, boo, sucks to all the h8ters, look, she even has a love bite that she hasn't given herself. I would love to have heard the business proposal she gave to him when her stalking finally paid off.
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Old 23-09-2013, 06:45
Bellagio
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So " Mrs I Won't Expose My Boobs" did this rudiness?

Is this all in the book? Or as Fitnessqueen renamed it "The Boak"
The varied boaks (splendid malapropism !) cover these parts of her (so-called) life:

Gets Married - up to the wedding with Nirps and thereafter until she realises what a slimeball he is...

Exmoor Files - does what it says on the front cover. Confusingly, there are two slightly differing versions, published in 2009 and (updated somewhat) in 2010: while both are shit, they're much better written than the latest sorry puddle of piss from this summer...

Girl Least Likely - detailed once over of her family history (not entirely accurate), childhood (ditto) and early working days (ditto encore). This masterpiece of grammatical ineptitude that, allegedly, everyone wanted to read, never cracked the Amazon Top 100 books and is currently languishing at #46,241.

They're worth getting used and reading in sequence, if only because...

1 - the contradictions, inconsistencies and lies simply fly off the pages, and...

2 - the alarmingly precipitous decline in her ability to construct even coherent sentences (whole paragraphs were never a possibility) is graphically illustrated.
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Old 23-09-2013, 08:39
sunstone
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The varied boaks (splendid malapropism !) cover these parts of her (so-called) life:

Gets Married - up to the wedding with Nirps and thereafter until she realises what a slimeball he is...

Exmoor Files - does what it says on the front cover. Confusingly, there are two slightly differing versions, published in 2009 and (updated somewhat) in 2010: while both are shit, they're much better written than the latest sorry puddle of piss from this summer...

Girl Least Likely - detailed once over of her family history (not entirely accurate), childhood (ditto) and early working days (ditto encore). This masterpiece of grammatical ineptitude that, allegedly, everyone wanted to read, never cracked the Amazon Top 100 books and is currently languishing at #46,241.

They're worth getting used and reading in sequence, if only because...

1 - the contradictions, inconsistencies and lies simply fly off the pages, and...

2 - the alarmingly precipitous decline in her ability to construct even coherent sentences (whole paragraphs were never a possibility) is graphically illustrated.



So her writing skills are inversely proportional to her bat shit craziness then.
Will keep an eye out in the charity shops for any copies of the boaks then,
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Old 23-09-2013, 16:38
AligatorCat
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What I thought was quite strange is that the "Cupboard" has suddenly expanded to vastness.... (huge columns etc - which I hope is not a euphemism...)


Sorry..
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Old 23-09-2013, 17:02
Bellagio
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Don't forget, her wit and humour is her USP.

Or, they would be if she was witty and amusing.
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Old 23-09-2013, 20:37
cathrin
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2 - the alarmingly precipitous decline in her ability to construct even coherent sentences (whole paragraphs were never a possibility) is graphically illustrated.
Absolutely! Have you seen the last paragraph in her MoS column yesterday...the bit about someone called Emily.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...tracksuit.html

It literally reads like a random, cut and pasted jumble of sentences, all thrown together in completely the wrong order, jumping between past and present and ending on a complete nonsequitur. As I always say....don't they have an editor who reads through this stuff and notices that it's nonsense???
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Old 23-09-2013, 20:51
Brighton Bhelle
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Absolutely! Have you seen the last paragraph in her MoS column yesterday...the bit about someone called Emily.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...tracksuit.html

It literally reads like a random, cut and pasted jumble of sentences, all thrown together in completely the wrong order, jumping between past and present and ending on a complete nonsequitur. As I always say....don't they have an editor who reads through this stuff and notices that it's nonsense???
In the burka piece, everything is jumbled and nonsensical, and as per, everything is someone else's fault and never hers.
Just why did she 'cause raised eyebrows' by asking for olive oil to go with her flatbread? And what does the aside 'a waiter is a waiter is a waiter' have to do with anything.

She's getting more doo-lally by the week.
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Old 23-09-2013, 20:53
Zora
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Tried to read the latest Dreary and had to stop half-way through.

This isn't the first time in recent months I have found the thing literally unreadable.

The Fail need to put it out of its misery. Is it worth their while keeping it even for click-bait anymore?
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Old 24-09-2013, 08:29
Fatsia
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In the burka piece, everything is jumbled and nonsensical, and as per, everything is someone else's fault and never hers.
Just why did she 'cause raised eyebrows' by asking for olive oil to go with her flatbread? And what does the aside 'a waiter is a waiter is a waiter' have to do with anything.

She's getting more doo-lally by the week.
I agree, it's barely coherent gibberish. So much for drinking half-a-bottle-never-a-whole-one, what does she buy, jeroboams of gin?
One day she'll be found in her tardis-like cupboard (now complete with balconies and romanesque columns ) slumped face down on the keyboard in a tragic drink related untimely demise. No doubt covered in stress-wee and half chewed by mini puppy (who must be about 12 by now)
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Old 24-09-2013, 08:47
Bellagio
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In the burka piece, everything is jumbled and nonsensical, and as per, everything is someone else's fault and never hers.
Just why did she 'cause raised eyebrows' by asking for olive oil to go with her flatbread? And what does the aside 'a waiter is a waiter is a waiter' have to do with anything.

She's getting more doo-lally by the week.
It's purely to illustrate how cultured she is, a recasting of the famous Gertrude Stein sentence (initially from the 1913 poem "Sacred Emily" and reused many times later by the author) "Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose". I was going to say I seriously doubt Jones even knows of the poem, much less has read it... but having seen it, I think maybe I know where her current literary style originates (assuming it's not simply mere ineptitude). Check it out (warning - it's as weird as it is long... and it's rather long):

Sacred Emily
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Old 24-09-2013, 08:56
Brighton Bhelle
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I agree, it's barely coherent gibberish. So much for drinking half-a-bottle-never-a-whole-one, what does she buy, jeroboams of gin?
One day she'll be found in her tardis-like cupboard (now complete with balconies and romanesque columns ) slumped face down on the keyboard in a tragic drink related untimely demise. No doubt covered in stress-wee and half chewed by mini puppy (who must be about 12 by now)
Personally I'd need a jeraboam of gin to shag David Scrace.

He must have see from the comments that people were looking him up on Facebook, so he changed his profile pic - it was of a wrinkled, roll-up smoking hippy in a Rasta hat, who looked like he belonged on a street corner holding a ''Homeless'' sign.

Now it's a pic of a naice beach with kites, presumably in Ibiza where Liz thinks he's ''being fanned by the pool by supermodels''.
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Old 24-09-2013, 09:54
fitnessqueen
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Personally I'd need a jeraboam of gin to shag David Scrace.

He must have see from the comments that people were looking him up on Facebook, so he changed his profile pic - it was of a wrinkled, roll-up smoking hippy in a Rasta hat, who looked like he belonged on a street corner holding a ''Homeless'' sign.

Now it's a pic of a naice beach with kites, presumably in Ibiza where Liz thinks he's ''being fanned by the pool by supermodels''.
And his ex-girlfriend (who he split up with a year ago, not a month go as lied about by Liz) has commented "better picture". That will send Liz into a frenzy of bitter hatred.
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Old 24-09-2013, 09:58
Brighton Bhelle
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And his ex-girlfriend (who he split up with a year ago, not a month go as lied about by Liz) has commented "better picture". That will send Liz into a frenzy of bitter hatred.
A picture of a horse's arse would be better than what was there before.

I've just seen that on the 15th September she wrote that

''Its a strange and yukky feeling reading details about your exes sex life and romantic mutterings.''
I wonder how Scracey feels and how long he'll put up with it.
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Old 24-09-2013, 10:03
fitnessqueen
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A picture of a horse's arse would be better than what was there before.
Then again- that ponytail seems to be working Liz up into a frenzy
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Old 24-09-2013, 10:56
Fatsia
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Then again- that ponytail seems to be working Liz up into a frenzy
:vomit smiley:
Ponytail - no.
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Old 26-09-2013, 19:07
Sarah Soreen
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I notice this week the Cupboard seems to have morphed into a penthouse flat complete with 'huge columns'.

Is this a veiled reference to Mr Scrace's 'huge column'?
It's all getting very Freudian, and for a woman who was last thigh-touched by him and was ''frozen with fear'', she's dropped 'em super-quick this time round.


I'm quite put off my Sunday roast.......
She has definately been given an ultimatum by the MoS to make things less morbid. Normally the diary themes are predictably rotated each week: sick animals, horrible family, RS, borderline-anorexia. To my knowledge this is the first time that one subject has been carried on for several weeks, her new 'boyfriend' is indeed a real person and they are alledgedly behaving and indeed looking like the creepy hairy couple from the 'Joy of Sex' in the 1970s. Definately an unholy business alliance but surely no one wants to read that on a Sunday morning.
Thanks for these images folks

Fgs, I've just eaten!
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Old 26-09-2013, 19:15
Sarah Soreen
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It's fascinating to watch her tie herself up in knots to prove that THIS man is real. Full name, former address complete with door number, loads of specific details to make sure we're in absolutely no doubt that this one is a real person. Ironically, by going to such ridiculous lengths to prove that he actually exists, she simply confirms how UNreal and lacking in authenticity the previous "relationship" was!

...And despite all the "real" stuff, she still can't help herself from switching straight into Mills & Boon mode whenever any romantic dialogue or behind-closed-doors saucy activity is called for. Immediately the poor chap sheds all his "real" trimmings and magically morphs into a flowery-sweet-talking soppy romantic hero, showering her with lavish compliments and generally speaking in language no real man would ever utter in a million years.

....Or, even more creepily, he starts doing that awful aggressive-sexual-advances thing that used to be considered strong, masterful and sexy a few decades ago, when romantic heroes in novels regularly pushed their quivering heroines up against pillars and said domineering, masterful things like "You're coming home with me" (RS) or "No, we're going back to your place" (DS). Brrrr! Someone needs to explain to Liz that this sort of thing doesn't actually go down awfully well with real women in real relationships in the 21st century!

As for that final paragraph, in which she suddenly remembered she had a boyfriend who really ought to be put in the picture....Words fail me. She clearly imagines women everywhere will be punching the air in support of her brave and feisty "double-parking" adventures....when in fact they're all appalled by her hypocrisy. All these years of railing against her ex for his infidelity, now suddenly she wants to be seen as doing the same thing and proud of it!

I also can't help noticing that she has now started referring to the FRS in the same dismissive, disrespectful way that she used to refer to N ("the boyfriend"). Nice.
Excellent post as always

I think she has gone from pretending to be Bridget Jones to the Sex and the City thing, and we are now on to a 50 Shades obsession. Gawd help us all.
More like 50 Shades of Gristle.

Don't give her ideas.

She'll be getting out the whips and butt-plugs in the next few weeks, then I can guarantee vomiting all round.
One that is trying to get into your underwear for the first time maybe? (and I don't mean in an Alex Reid sort of way )
Stop! Stop! You're all killing me off here
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Old 26-09-2013, 19:24
Sarah Soreen
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Welcome back Weedle! Just to add to the quota today I'm sure there was a piece in her book about her sharp teeth doing some damage to a sensitive part of Nirp's anatomy.
Thanks for the memory I am now remembering that immortal line from Nirps of "Who's the Boss! Who's the Boss"

There was - allegedly, she gave him an ulcer in the course of her, um, wifely duties. 'Course, that may just be how he told her he got it (sorry if anyone's eating...).
Can we please stop discussing Nirps ulcerated todger?
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Old 28-09-2013, 07:36
birdienumnum1
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There was - allegedly, she gave him an ulcer in the course of her, um, wifely duties. 'Course, that may just be how he told her he got it (sorry if anyone's eating...).
What was she doing? Chewing it?
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Old 28-09-2013, 20:51
Bellagio
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Errrrrrrrrrrrr... yes, something like that. Apparently she has sharp back teeth, hence the lesion.
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Old 28-09-2013, 21:49
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O.M.G!! She's in the Guardian Weekend today. What a horrible shock in my evening reading.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandst...-a?INTCMP=SRCH

Please don't read it until tomorrow if you're prone to nightmares.
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Old 29-09-2013, 09:40
Brighton Bhelle
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This morning she's dumped the Rock Star.

It sounds as if she'll be riding off into the sunset to spend her time making gluten and wheat-free buns with Mr Scrace.

She has it all worked out you know.
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Old 29-09-2013, 10:58
scone
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O.M.G!! She's in the Guardian Weekend today. What a horrible shock in my evening reading.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandst...-a?INTCMP=SRCH

Please don't read it until tomorrow if you're prone to nightmares.
'How would I like to be remembered? As a goddess and lunatic'
How she is remembered will be completely different, a goddess? Seriously?
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Old 29-09-2013, 11:04
jeff_vader
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First goddess that springs to mind is Hecate.

And that Q&A is...well, most generous I can say it's consistent in its narcissistic negativity. Either she's peeing herself laughing at this construct people have bought into. Or she's one of the saddest cases of 'paradise syndrome'.
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Old 29-09-2013, 11:26
Brighton Bhelle
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Yet more 'I Love Bridget Jones' nonsense.....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...nged-life.html

She was pushing forty when the book was published - how could she identify with her? Still, she never stops banging on about Sex and the City either, and she's certainly no Carrie Bradshaw.
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