Aw, come on, play nice - maybe DiamondDoll is in the Lizard's fan club (membership: 4 - Lizard herself, Nic, DiamondDoll, The Baker ... (if he hasn't run screaming for the hills by now) So ... OK, maybe the fan club is 27, if you include the 17 cats, 3 horses, 4 dogs. If I've got the numbers of animals wrong, then sorry - can't keep up with what's arrived, what's died - and I haven't included the rats she feeds with organic muesli but I imagine they'd like to be in her fan club.

Anyway, bear with me ... I have a cunning plan to help the Lizard out in reviving her frankly flagging Dreary. More later ...

I really don't understand why she is paid so much, especially during the last couple of years when the diary has become unreadable.

I don't see how she should be earning that figure now. I don't think she's had a piece in the weekday Mail since CBB and she no longer appears to be their "fashion guru" as she used to have a regular weekly article. I always thought it was odd that her fashion articles seemed to be written by a different person as they often made sense! She also used to have frequent interviews with people which she inevitably made all about her.

Lizard's entire output now seems to consist of the increasingly appalling Dreary and a rambling farticle about random stuff cobbled together in the MoS. Surely she can't be getting £500K for that?

If she is, can I volunteer to be Liz Jones? Without all the waxing and steaming.

I would really like to get into the head of whoever is writing those big fat cheques for her so I could understand why. There is just no possibly reason how someone could justify continuing to give her such a ridiculous salary. It's unbridled insanity in action!

Don't know where to start this week ... The Baker is hacked off because someone told him the Lizard wrote he'd never loved his wife. All fiercely denied by Lizard (in emails, texts, of course - don't this pair ever TALK ON THE PHONE?) But ... surely Lizard wrote, some weeks back, that Baker had never loved anyone but her and a girlfriend who died ...? Isn't that the same as saying he'd never loved his wife?

And - oh no, NO - her new convertible Mercedes has got scraped. Nic did it. And the Baker doesn't want to see her at the weekend. And - worst of all - the 'someone' who told him about Lizard writing about not loving his wife is ... an ex girlfriend!

Her other Sunday farticle is about the awful stoning of the young woman in Lahore but then segues into a lot about donkeys and her electricity bills. But farticle also includes what must, surely, become a Lizard Classic:

'In Bosnia, I couldn’t understand why people who had not long ago hosted the Winter Olympics were taking machetes to their neighbours. They were educated and affluent – I heard one story where a woman had burned her Manolos for warmth. '

The bit that has turned my stomach is the thought of the ageing baker biting her ageing posterior.
Don't think I am going to be able to eat my Sunday dinner today, I can't get the image out of my mind.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...ationship.html

Indeed - here is it for those who can't bear to google her outpourings - she obviously can't google them as she says quite clearly:

So last night David told me he has only ever been in love twice.
Once with a girlfriend who sadly died from cancer.
The second time is with me. It’s strange, hearing this, the culmination of 40-odd years’ hard work on my part.

Which is basically saying he never loved his wife. She's a lying spiteful bitch.

Would you like some extra strength Liz Jones brain bleach?

I've been looking for that for months, it's always out of stock

re: electricty bills. What planet is she living on?!

Now, call me stupid (I'm with british gas) but you either get monthly or quarterly bills (even estimates) and can pay by DD, get email updates etc. So unless she has been ignoring all her bills and not paying a penny then what the hell is she going on about? And the bailiffs being called in is used at a last resort after they would have chased her for unpaid bills.

What has she been doing? Just binning her mail?

Sounds more like she is requesting hard copies of her bills for perhaps the last couple of years which of course would take a while to collate and send out.

Leccy in London isn't anymore expensive than anywhere else in the country so she has either not been paying or leaving every single electric appliance and light on 24/7, even when she isn't there.

but again, nothing is "her" fault.

*belms*

And printing that your beau only loved a dead g/f and you? How lovely for his kids to read, she really needs an empathy transplant.

No no no, you're putting words in poor Liz's mouth, She didn't write that he never loved his wife. She simply reported that he said he only loved a dead girlfriend and Liz. That is just what people say, it's not meant to be taken literally. Apparently.

I can see this roundabout coming round a second time. I got my dream man. Now I am not sure if he truly loves me. So I push him away. Then he gets pissed off with me for writing something THAT I DID NOT WRITE cruel vile trolls are responsible. Obviously he wants his ex girlfriend more than me, she who reports on the vile trolls. Drama drama. Drama blows over, David is perfect. Now I'm not sure if I want him. So I push him away. Then he gets pissed off with me for writing something THAT I DID NOT WRITE. Obviously he wants his ex girlfriend more than me, she who misreports on the things I did not write, fooling poor David who seems to have forgotten that he voraciously reads my column the second it comes out and would know exactly what I had written anyway.

Highly repetitive.

Doesn't she read her own columns? Doesn't she realise that they are still online and easily checkable when she tries to rewrite history a few weeks down the line? We all commented on that remark at the time, saying how hurtful it was to David's ex-wife and children. I remember there were two separate occasions, the first moderately hurtful (he's never loved anyone else AS MUCH AS he loves Liz) and the second one infinitely more cruel (He has ONLY EVER LOVED two people: Liz and the ex girlfriend who passed away.)

Now, typically, she is rewriting history by pretending she only ever said the first of these two comments in print. Which allows her to play the injured party, rail against the horrid misquoter who is poisoning David against her....and elicit a grovelling, humble apology from David for believing those horrid "lies" without first checking to see if they were true.

It's incredibly creepy to watch. We've seen her do this time and time again when she gets flak for writing nasty things, but now we're seeing [albeit in her own version] the way she deals with the injured party when confronted.

The same pattern keeps playing itself out: She writes something cruel and hurtful to David's family or friends. He confronts her about it, perfectly reasonably. She denies it, (often referring to something else she said on a separate occasion, thus neatly dodging the actual comment in question and making it appear she has been misquoted, which makes her appear to be the injured party). Then he becomes humble and placating, apologising profusely for believing the "lies", and grovelling for her forgiveness. Then she really turns nasty, sniping at him, his exes, his past, while he falls over himself to "make amends for" the "wrong" he has done her.

Just look at some of the words coming from David in today's column, especially the way he recites her version of the story and emphasises his own "mea culpa" role in the "misunderstanding," just in case anyone hasn't quite got the message. "Oh no, have I done it again? I knew I should have waited to read it for myself before commenting. I'm an idiot. Please forgive me." "Of course I was wrong to ask you about a rumour before I had read it for myself. If you didn't write that "I had never loved my ex-wife", then that is clear evidence that my ex-girlfriend has been stirring things up between us." On and on it goes, accepting blame, reinforcing Liz's version of events....it's deeply creepy to read.

You know, it's almost as if she was writing his texts for him... or even making them up. I know no reputable journalist would stoop to, or even approve, such an appalling practise, so there must be another explanation.

Thanks to fitnessqueen for tracking down the Dreary containing the 'never loved anyone ... ' quote.

It's pretty horrible, really ... the way Lizard twists and slithers to avoid admitting she did indeed imply that Baker Boy never love his wife - saying that she 'never said that'. But oh yes, she did, in a different way:
So last night David told me he has only ever been in love twice.
Once with a girlfriend who sadly died from cancer.
The second time is with me.

What a spiteful woman. But what spineless, craven joke of a man to put up with it ... wasn't it enough that she put the boot into his business by telling everyone about his long nails, untidiness and nicotine odour, but she also has to inflict real hurt on his ex wife, his kids, his old girlfriends?

But I guess in her twisted logic she never actually wrote the exact words "David said he didn't love his ex wife" so she is innocent of the accusation and it's all the ex girlfriend's fault for stirring it.

I don't know much about this woman, apart from the fact that she was in Big Brother once. Reading through this thread though, would I be right in deducing that she's a complete twunt?

This relationship can't be for real - can it?
I always thought this was some sort of cynical business arrangement, but the rubbish he and his family/ friends/ ex- friends are getting ! What price would anyone accept
for that?
If he is prepared to put them through this, he is the lowest form of pond life. Goes without saying where that leaves her.

You would be correct

Spot on, General Zod!
I find I am inordinately annoyed at what Baker's poor ex wife, kids, ex girlfriends must think when they read the spiteful trash the Lizard spews. Surely a couple of curious people popping into his shop to gawp at him and buy a loaf isn't worth this? Is it? Is it really?

Or else he's as thick as pigsh*t and thinks along the lines of 'Ooh, goody goody, they say there's no such thing as bad publicity ... ' Or, of course, he's absolutely truly madly deeply in love with her scrawny arse and sinking his teeth/NHS dentures into the gristle of the Lizard's cheeks makes up for all the horrible upset caused to those who ought to be his nearest and dearest.

The whole thing is truly bizarre, and sad.

Taking it all at face value: he doesn't actually sound like a very nice man. If Liz doesn't actually dump him, I would not be at all surprised if he dumped her down the line for someone else. That appears to be his MO.

Meanwhile, she's hung up on a 60 year old she had a crush on 30 years ago, who still seems to act like a 20-something in terms of his interactions with her. But he's not, he comes with baggage, and that is what happens when you get together with people in middle age.

I can imagine how it feels, really I can, to get together with someone you fancied long long ago, but I cannot imagine how it feels to have NEVER BEEN OVER THAT CRUSH despite subsequent marriage and many other relationships. She claims so often to have had no men like her or want to sleep with her, but she also claims she hasn't had more than half an afternoon off in five years, when that's patently bollocks by her own words.

How well did Liz even KNOW the Baker? How well does she know him now? Really? He's there for the sex and a few free dinners, and gets some presents. He could quite easily have another one or two on the go in London, to be honest, if he has the energy. She wouldn't know. He's not telling her.

So the elderly baker doesn't read the Diary himself then? For nearly a year he is all she has written about in the Diary, most of it either slagging him or his loved ones off (and yes Liz, it is all still online, better get on to Google to erase the evidence pronto). The baker has to be notified by his exes and friends as to what Liz is writing about him? It's hard to have any sympathy for those involved. Why is Dscrace's villified ex going to be staying with him and sleeping in his bed when she gets back from Australia? Surely she has other friends or family she could stay with, I'd rather sleep on a park bench than his nictotine stained smelly sheets. I sincerely hope that this week's lying diary has her taking some sort of action against the gruesome twosome.

I think it's highly possible he has someone else on the go. The other week he apparently sent at text to LJ saying "do you want some food" or something like that - and she was in Yorkshire at the time.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...ds-kisses.html

Scrace is penniless. He is the ex director of one failed business and a 5% shareholder in another new venture. He has evidently decided to sacrifice his family, friends and reputation for a slightly more comfortable dotage. What is he...? Mid sixties? (though he used to be "12 years older" than Jizzard, he was born in '51).

He has relentlessly sold friends and family down the river in exchange for goodies and is now in the position where he either a) says enough is enough, dumps her and moves back to his bedsit with no money or friends or b) sticks with it, massages her ego, takes a blue pill now and again and thinks of England and holds on for the big payday and says "I do".

In the meantime, to earn the big bucks, all he has to do is sit tight, be the butt of all her moaning, suffer the jibes of colleagues, former friends and family and sell his soul still further.

Were I to don my mystic mantle, I would predict that the hol to St Tropez (too 90's Darling!) will be reported, highlighting his shortcomings, his lack of cash, his failure to understand fashion, his smoking... all liberally sprinkled with SATC references, natch!

I would say this is the worst of it, but the rest of her writing has degenerated into unreadable twaddle: stoning a pregnant woman to death = beating a donkey. How can I be expected to pay my own electricity bill. My wheels will cost £1,000 to fix (normal price £45 per wheel). Awful, awful rubbish... surely retirement beckons?

He used to rush to read it the second it hit the internets, as I recall. On the expensive tablet LIz gave him. Maybe he's pawned it.

Oooh, CollieComber, you are SO cynical ... I love you!

I am visualising the pair doddering around in St. Trop (confession: I spent a lot of time there during my misspent middle age) . Lizard will be desperately hauling The Baker into the overpriced boutiques for more cashmere schmutter and fancy lotions and potions to soften his gnarled hands and her leathery bottom. Perhaps she will buy him something for the beach (Plage de Tahiti, Club 55, La Voile Rouge are still 'In' with Eurotrash) because she thinks The Baker will look most fetching with his withered 'assets' crammed into an acid yellow posing pouch - designer, of course, in soft buttery faux genuine leather polyester.

Every thirty-six hours, the Lizard will desert The Baker, because she has to top-up her waxing, and she'll then enliven future Drearies about how the awful St. Tropez waxers didn't have a clue about how properly to de-fur her as she assumed the Pretzel Position, despite her shouting at them in outraged tones: 'Savez-vous qui je suis?'

Meanwhile, back sur La Plage de Hoi Polloi et Z-Listers (the posh ones wouldn't let them in), The Baker is desperately txting his old/current girlfriends/business colleagues, begging them:
'Pls. txt. me @once say grandma died & I must rtrn 4 funrul immedtly.'