Originally Posted by purplecatz:
“But hot drinks are a sign of weakness, don't you know
”
“But hot drinks are a sign of weakness, don't you know
”
Weak as I am, am I too much for the Lizard?
(Horrible song, horrible hack)
Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)
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I wonder if Liz would be confused in my house, since my coffee is some cheap-ass vacuum packed budget Italian brand whose name eludes me, or occasionally a Locally Roasted Artisan Ground Coffee on special, BUT it lives in an Illy tin.
Before I ever knew of Liz Jones, I was once forced to leave my non-palatial city home urgently, for three months, and had to leave behind my vintage coffee tin to rust in the turned-off fridge, where it became infused with the whiff of rotten fish. And also rusty. Meanwhile, once in my temporary abode, I had to buy wine and coffee at once, along with something to put my coffee IN, so I bought some expensive Illy because I liked the tin. It has never actually contained Illy in the three-plus years I've had it, not once I'd finished the original contents.
Would :Liz know the difference? I certainly wouldn't.
Before I ever knew of Liz Jones, I was once forced to leave my non-palatial city home urgently, for three months, and had to leave behind my vintage coffee tin to rust in the turned-off fridge, where it became infused with the whiff of rotten fish. And also rusty. Meanwhile, once in my temporary abode, I had to buy wine and coffee at once, along with something to put my coffee IN, so I bought some expensive Illy because I liked the tin. It has never actually contained Illy in the three-plus years I've had it, not once I'd finished the original contents.
Would :Liz know the difference? I certainly wouldn't.
Originally Posted by vampyre:
“I am a coffee snob (don't drink wine) and Illy is a horrible coffee. Many much cheaper blends (ugh, blends) are way better and since she's so pretentious, Lizard should have a £26,000 bean to cup machine.”
“I am a coffee snob (don't drink wine) and Illy is a horrible coffee. Many much cheaper blends (ugh, blends) are way better and since she's so pretentious, Lizard should have a £26,000 bean to cup machine.”
My dear departed husband and I once owned a humongous Italian coffee machine. I swear it was nearly two metres long from end to end and it did just about everything except grow the coffee beans.
We were absolutely petrified by it. It hissed steam at us like a demented dragon, scalding hot milk spat at us and the noises it made were the stuff of nightmares. While it was operating, we had frantically to rush around to keep up with all the stuff we had to do to pander to it. I swear we used it less than half a dozen times in two years - about an hour of sheer terrifying misery to produce a little expresso or a red hot cappucino. The cleaning routine took the best part of a day and the sort of delicate procedures a neurosurgeon would admire, so we never did it.
After my husband suddenly died, I tried to get rid of the thing but no-one wanted it, even for free. Even when I offered folding money to take it. When I eventually moved, I got a man in to help me dismantle it, then hid the bits in various cupboards in the kitchen. By the time the new owner of the house moved in, I was safely back in England. But I did leave a bottle of champagne too.
I bet the Lizard does have a big, top of the range coffee machine. In a lovely shade of pistachio.
Liz Jones' thighs look every bit as fat as mine. And I am a size 16 in trousers.
If that doesn't make her head explode, I don't know what will!
If that doesn't make her head explode, I don't know what will!
I'm not being catty or anything, but from the endless photos there've been of her, usually wearing some schmutter she's writing about in one of her fashion articles, she strikes me as a bit - well - stocky.
Originally Posted by amikolaichek:
“I'm not being catty or anything, but from the endless photos there've been of her, usually wearing some schmutter she's writing about in one of her fashion articles, she strikes me as a bit - well - stocky.”
“I'm not being catty or anything, but from the endless photos there've been of her, usually wearing some schmutter she's writing about in one of her fashion articles, she strikes me as a bit - well - stocky.”
She's not really stocky, on account of her height. But her bottom half is dominated by her thighs and arse (not helped by the fact her favourite outfit is a size too small in that department) and her top half is somewhat overwhelmed by the barmaid's arms...
Originally Posted by CollieComber:
“She's not really stocky, on account of her height. But her bottom half is dominated by her thighs and arse (not helped by the fact her favourite outfit is a size too small in that department) and her top half is somewhat overwhelmed by the barmaid's arms...”
“She's not really stocky, on account of her height. But her bottom half is dominated by her thighs and arse (not helped by the fact her favourite outfit is a size too small in that department) and her top half is somewhat overwhelmed by the barmaid's arms...”
Oh dear oh dear.....I'm a "lurker" and don't think much of LJ either but I do wonder why you lot are so obsessed with her. Don't you realise that by making these spiteful comments you are only lowering yourselves to her level? Come on, it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, get out in the sun and smell the roses for a change.
(Backs out of thread to avoid mass bombardment)
Originally Posted by laineythenomad:
“Oh dear oh dear.....I'm a "lurker" and don't think much of LJ either but I do wonder why you lot are so obsessed with her. Don't you realise that by making these spiteful comments you are only lowering yourselves to her level? Come on, it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, get out in the sun and smell the roses for a change.
(Backs out of thread to avoid mass bombardment)”
“Oh dear oh dear.....I'm a "lurker" and don't think much of LJ either but I do wonder why you lot are so obsessed with her. Don't you realise that by making these spiteful comments you are only lowering yourselves to her level? Come on, it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, get out in the sun and smell the roses for a change.
(Backs out of thread to avoid mass bombardment)”
Interesting point, lainey... it's not obsession so much as a forensic study in mental illness. The obvious contradictions in Jonesey's life (I'm skint/I'm loaded, I have no friends/I'm going on hols with friends, hot drinks are a sign of wealness/ I only drink Illy coffee etc etc ad infinitum) are reflected in her hilarious 'self-image' issues (I'm hideous/here are a dozen pics of me in fashion thirty years too young for me, I hid away all my teenage years/I was furious when they didn't accept me as a model etc etc). Her 'anorexia' (only ever self-diagnosed) is, patently, a fiction. The frustration that I and many here feel is that Jonesey is a frightfully bad writer who sells anyone and everyone down the river for thirty pieces of silver. She has the moral compass of a polecat and the compassion of a ravening beast. She has been binned by the Mail but retained (at present) by the MoS. She is currently engaged in the wilful destruction of her elderly paramour's ex-girlfriend... someone she has never met and who's only 'fault' was to express an opinion. Do I lie awake and dream of her getting her just desserts? No. Would I raise a glass on that happy day and virtually bedeck my world with jolly bunting? Most certainly yes.
Originally Posted by CollieComber:
“She's not really stocky, on account of her height. But her bottom half is dominated by her thighs and arse (not helped by the fact her favourite outfit is a size too small in that department) and her top half is somewhat overwhelmed by the barmaid's arms...”
“She's not really stocky, on account of her height. But her bottom half is dominated by her thighs and arse (not helped by the fact her favourite outfit is a size too small in that department) and her top half is somewhat overwhelmed by the barmaid's arms...”
'Xactly - I've always considered her somewhat sturdy of thigh for someone who claims to be that thin and here's an interestingly ironic thought: if she hadn't had her norks "hacked off" (allegedly - I've yet to see any photographic evidence of the legendary melons) so her designer jacket could hang properly, she'd actually have a reasonable figure.
Now, now, fellow vile trolls - this sort of thing is providing LJ with scads of opportunities to write about being "attacked" on the interwebs blah blah, and even the most heinous of professional trolls doesn't deserve the kind of body negativity she dishes out. Hate the buttery soft hypocrisy and pristine viciousness, not the Viennetta bottom. Otherwise Liz WINS.
Originally Posted by Suzy_Cat:
“Now, now, fellow vile trolls - this sort of thing is providing LJ with scads of opportunities to write about being "attacked" on the interwebs blah blah, and even the most heinous of professional trolls doesn't deserve the kind of body negativity she dishes out. Hate the buttery soft hypocrisy and pristine viciousness, not the Viennetta bottom. Otherwise Liz WINS.”
“Now, now, fellow vile trolls - this sort of thing is providing LJ with scads of opportunities to write about being "attacked" on the interwebs blah blah, and even the most heinous of professional trolls doesn't deserve the kind of body negativity she dishes out. Hate the buttery soft hypocrisy and pristine viciousness, not the Viennetta bottom. Otherwise Liz WINS.”
But... isn't it all part and parcel of the same hypocrisy? The borderline profoundness? The existing on half an avocado rubbish? The parking in disabled bays/doing make-up whilst speeding on the motorway/I've got a Merc but it's in Yorkshire being driven by the staff so I have to go to exhibitions in Dscrace's car twaddle? She diminishes people with REAL issues and disabilities by putting on her coat of many bollocks and spewing away. She really believes that if she says something then it is, somehow, real and true. It is neither. She is 'deaf' but can hear sighs down the phone and listens to music. She is 'disabled' yet springs gazelle-like from one of her many (other) cars. She is 'anorexic' yet looks extremely well nourished. Her alleged dysmorphia is as 'real' as all the other rubbish. I am not being 'negative' about her body (I am, of course, an adonis myself!) I am telling the truth. That's the one thing Jonesey has no defence against.
I wonder how long it will take for the Dreary to refer to people on the internet speculating on the size of LJ's bottom?
Originally Posted by Suzy_Cat:
“I wonder how long it will take for the Dreary to refer to people on the internet speculating on the size of LJ's bottom?”
“I wonder how long it will take for the Dreary to refer to people on the internet speculating on the size of LJ's bottom?”
Quite frankly, that's the least of her problems.
Originally Posted by CollieComber:
“ her coat of many bollocks...”
“ her coat of many bollocks...”
I just laughed so hard, I may have to change my boxers.
A phrase of sublime genius. I shall use it henceforth.
Originally Posted by laineythenomad:
“Oh dear oh dear.....I'm a "lurker" and don't think much of LJ either but I do wonder why you lot are so obsessed with her. Don't you realise that by making these spiteful comments you are only lowering yourselves to her level? Come on, it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, get out in the sun and smell the roses for a change.
(Backs out of thread to avoid mass bombardment)”
“Oh dear oh dear.....I'm a "lurker" and don't think much of LJ either but I do wonder why you lot are so obsessed with her. Don't you realise that by making these spiteful comments you are only lowering yourselves to her level? Come on, it's shaping up to be a beautiful day, get out in the sun and smell the roses for a change.
(Backs out of thread to avoid mass bombardment)”
It's not an obsession, just a form of entertainment for me. I am allergic to flower pollen. And the sun. So am unable to take your no doubt well-meant advice. But thanks anyway.
I suspect that La Lizard Loca has the build of the sturdy peasant type that no doubt makes up the majority of her ancestral DNA. Shame she has none of their supposed common-sense and down to earth attitude. But at least she can hide herself in her coat of many bollocks.
Originally Posted by Bellagio:
“'Xactly - I've always considered her somewhat sturdy of thigh for someone who claims to be that thin and here's an interestingly ironic thought: if she hadn't had her norks "hacked off" (allegedly - I've yet to see any photographic evidence of the legendary melons) so her designer jacket could hang properly, she'd actually have a reasonable figure.”
“'Xactly - I've always considered her somewhat sturdy of thigh for someone who claims to be that thin and here's an interestingly ironic thought: if she hadn't had her norks "hacked off" (allegedly - I've yet to see any photographic evidence of the legendary melons) so her designer jacket could hang properly, she'd actually have a reasonable figure.”
"Norks/melons "- really !
Is this a forum for idiot teenage boys ?
Actually, I read neither Nuts nor FHM: said terms were introduced to me by other female posters here a few years back. However it does seem to be a forum for people who say they can't be bothered to waste their time here... then do. 
Originally Posted by astor:
“"Norks/melons "- really !
Is this a forum for idiot teenage boys ?”
“"Norks/melons "- really !
Is this a forum for idiot teenage boys ?”
I've noticed Astor that whenever you make one of your infrequent appearances in this thread you always seem to single out Bellagio in your comments - I can't understand why as most (apart from you, I guess) all detest her equally - and as Bellagio pointed out, for someone who "can't be bothered" your actions demonstrate the exact opposite.
'Coat of many bollocks'
OMG, genius!
Am pinching that one, CollieComber and will have no shame in repeating this comedy gem whenever confronted with the banal and implausible.
OMG, genius!
Am pinching that one, CollieComber and will have no shame in repeating this comedy gem whenever confronted with the banal and implausible.
Originally Posted by Bellagio:
“Actually, I read neither Nuts nor FHM: said terms were introduced to me by other female posters here a few years back. However it does seem to be a forum for people who say they can't be bothered to waste their time here... then do.”
“Actually, I read neither Nuts nor FHM: said terms were introduced to me by other female posters here a few years back. However it does seem to be a forum for people who say they can't be bothered to waste their time here... then do.
”
Nice one, Bellagio. I am standing shoulder-to-shoulder with you. You don't sound like a Nuts or FHM aficionado. More National Geographic and Times Literary Review.. Astor - don't be catty.
Originally Posted by amikolaichek:
“Nice one, Bellagio. I am standing shoulder-to-shoulder with you. You don't sound like a Nuts or FHM aficionado. More National Geographic and Times Literary Review.. Astor - don't be catty.”
“Nice one, Bellagio. I am standing shoulder-to-shoulder with you. You don't sound like a Nuts or FHM aficionado. More National Geographic and Times Literary Review.. Astor - don't be catty.”
Lovely that your standing shoulder to shoulder with Bellagio - strangely I wouldn't have expected any other response.
I've never read Nuts or FHM but read both the Literary Times & The National Geographic- both excellent and, in my experience, weirdly devoid of references to norks/ melons and any other sexist slang. No doubt someone will delve into the archives to prove me wrong.
Catty - really? If making a point about something I find hugely distasteful makes me "catty" so be it.
*flail* The Dreary is up, but I am getting that annoying error message whenever I click on it. St Tropez, the French Riviera everybody. Oh the sophistication. BUT WILL HE PROPOSE?
I can't understand why she would want him to. Or why she wouldn't do it herself if it mattered that much to her, which mostly it doesn't seem to.
I can't understand why she would want him to. Or why she wouldn't do it herself if it mattered that much to her, which mostly it doesn't seem to.
Originally Posted by Mommie Dearest:
“I've noticed Astor that whenever you make one of your infrequent appearances in this thread you always seem to single out Bellagio in your comments - I can't understand why as most (apart from you, I guess) all detest her equally - and as Bellagio pointed out, for someone who "can't be bothered" your actions demonstrate the exact opposite.”
“I've noticed Astor that whenever you make one of your infrequent appearances in this thread you always seem to single out Bellagio in your comments - I can't understand why as most (apart from you, I guess) all detest her equally - and as Bellagio pointed out, for someone who "can't be bothered" your actions demonstrate the exact opposite.”
Slapper.
Slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper
slapperslapperslapperslapperslapperslapper.
And an ugly one too.
Bellagio is offline
This is his view on Denise Welch. I presume he knows her really well to be so vitriolic about her. So sorry I seem to single out Bellagio - really I have no issue at all with his like or dislike of Liz Jones. I just can't stand his crappy attitude to women.
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