In one of the other two Lizard farticles in today's MoS (can't be bothered to go back and check) she mentions her sister's drink problem. Nice.

In Event Magazine she is interviewing Jim Davidson, in which he calls her a sex symbol. Not only is he deluded, she often seems to big up her appearance and so called attractions, and that comes across as vain and needy.

That business with her sister is RANK. She will explain it by saying she is trying to "help".

So... what did we learn this week boys and girls? a) Medical advances are bad. Do not take tests or check for breast cancer... it's a conspiracy against women. b) Her sister is an alcoholic... nothing new here, but it's nice to see her twisting the knife. c) The bulk of her dinner at Heston's was drink. d) Jim Davidson is not as deaf as her. e) No longer were her breasts hacked off so her jacket would hang better... now it's severe body dysmorphia. Severe. Not even borderline. e) She is a danger to women and should be stopped. Now.

Oh, and f) the best way to convince an old hippy to give up smoking is to buy him a gold lighter.

Also... why does HE have to change to make HER feel better?! I thought the whole thing about being in a relationship is give and take.

Maybe he should tell her to stop writing about his ex and family and friends in her column, to stop whining, to eat some meat, to stop going on about her weight/ looks, to shop at Aldi/ Lidl/ cheap clothes shops to save money, stop "rescuing" animals she can't afford to look after or spend her time looking after, be nice to others....

*lols at my delusions*

Anyone who likes foie gras can't be all bad ... [dons tin helmet and ducks].

Donning a tin hat is one thing but the ducks may just look silly - mind in light of the controversial subject matter it would be appropriate!

I'm sure Liz's dwindling admirers were thrilled to be referred to in such a patronising way in the Diary: '...Even if she thinks all I do is entertain women on a Sunday, taking their minds off their own dysfunctional relationships, I happen to think that’s worthwhile.’ I admit she gives plenty of entertainment, just not in the way she would like to believe.

You're so right, Seabird. The tin hat is one thing but the mallard perched on top of it, wings akimbo, is a bit much, even for trendy, anything-goes Islington. But, while on the subject of the edible offal of our four feathered friends, there is a sort of faux foie gras, made from ducks' livers. It's nice, but not a patch on the force-fed goose innards -yummy.

As for Sunday's Dreary, not sure if it's the most tedious ever but then it has a lot of competition. Frankly, I reckon the Baker is deliberately trying to wind her up now. Discuss.

I thought the foie gras remark was really funny. Possibly the last spark of the chap that DD knew.

YUK! This week brings an entire new level to "Fingernailgate"
Fancy a pastry anyone?

Oh God ... I can't get that image out of my mind. The elderly, naked Baker, cleaning his teeth and relieving himself at the same time. Aaaaargh. Honestly, did the Lizard REALLY have to share that with us?

However ... I'd have thought Lizard might have approved of the Baker wandering around the place naked, since her beloved Sex and the City featured an episode when the husband of one of the 'girls' did the same thing. As I remember, the wife got a bit edgy about the hygiene implications of a naked bottom on her pristine white cushions and made hubby put a towel between his backside and sofa.

Does Lizard allow the Baker to sit down au naturel where he pleases or does she insist on a buttery soft organic designer hand-towel as a barrier between his withered old buttocks and her soft furnishings?

Is this the beginning of the end of the Greatest Romance Ever Told? Will Lizard and Baker go to France for his birthday? Will he propose and there'll be a Happy Ending at that hotel in Inverness? Or will Lizard dump him and regard him henceforth as just a skid-mark on her sofa ... sorry, on her pristine life? And will she get another horse to replace him?

She's supposed to be in a relationship with this man but she's so horrible to him in this week's column. If her friend made those comments about Gollum, she didn't need to repeat them. Not to mention all the other stuff she says (it will be a wonder if he has a business left after this). She's just so unkind. And she claims to be expecting a proposal?

This week's column would be hilarious if it wasn't about a real person she professes to love. How very dare he and others have children who book hotels when she wants a minibreak?

I am fairly certain that the Baker has a prewritten text he uses for Liz communications, and writes/deletes around it. "I love you and only you. You are the love of my life. Etc etc etc. I will never leave you etc etc blah blah you are my one and only blah."

It doesn't really bother me if the Baker wanders about the place in the nuddy and uses the bog and cleans his teeth simultaneously - I am sure he washes. I am however concerned that Liz has started having him dye his ponytail and also, that there is something rather off with his skeletal configuration - either that or the illustrator has never actually seen a pair of shoulderblades before.

Oh. Was that supposed to be an illustration of the Baker? I thought it was a back view of the Lizard. Silly me.

This week's offerings were all shades of meh... I'm only surprised that she hasn't twigged that the invitation to France is, unsurprisingly, only for him... who would want the joy-sucking loon anywhere near them without the obligatory lighter/ipad payoff?

Do you think she's self-aware enough to know that this kind of column is effectively beating the Baker into submission? Like, she prints private conversations with her assistant in which she reveals his toilet habits and Nic mocks his physique as being like Gollum, just so he knows how little of a catch he is these days... but Liz at least can still remember vaguely the godlike 31 year old he once was.

So he better shape up if he wants to keep hold of his gold Dunhill lighter supply, because if he loses her he'll have nothing. NOTHING DO YOU HEAR ME. And obviously that would be bad because as he texts constantly, he loves her and only her. Better not turn down Liz's next minibreak plan, Mr Naked Flossing. Everyone knows what you're like NOW.

How dare Mr Scrace be:
1. 30 years older than he was in 1984.
2. A naked person when he has no clothes on.

His 'Lizard, I love you more than life itself' responses share the erm, naked fear of a hostage appearing in an al Qaeda video.

And ewww, this week's offering isn't exactly 'Wills and Kate At Home', is it? Presumably - like the royals - LJ never needs the loo ..
Natural justice demands that she and Jim Davidson meet up for another 'interview' and somehow end up stranded together on a desert island. JD truly is Her Prince, imho. :8

Spot on! IF he does indeed utter drivel like this then it is because he knows that if he goes off script what she would be capable of, although surely she has hit new lows with the 'Gollum' quote and piddling whilst brushing his teeth (hey, the guy can multi-task at least!).

Strangely I think Jim Davidson would actually be a good match for Liz, she's so far picked men she can dominate and humiliate so to find her male counterpart would be an interesting scenario and probably give them their own reality TV show!

Not according to this article by her ex husband (apologies for any breakfasts that may return during reading).

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...-real-men.html

Oh no - not the "who's-the-boss ?" bravura performance ? And before breakfast, too... [boak...]

Oh, of course, the infamous, 'Who's the boss?' article, and yet at the time she was, like Dscrace, ridiculing him in print every week . Their's always was an unholy alliance, two narcissists in the same house must have been interesting, he still seems to be very fond of her though. I was always convinced that she invented the 'Rock Star' farce just to try and make him jealous and come back to her.

Looks like Julie Burchill has been offered £100k more than Jizzard to appear on CBB... such fun!

I did warn you

That which is once imagined, can never be unimagined. There is not enough brain bleach in the whole of creation.