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Old 14-02-2013, 23:48
cjsmummy
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As the title says. My 17 year old son recently told me he's gay. Fair do's....however tonight he told me he has being seeing someone from Ireland (we're in Scotland) and he plans to go and stay with this guy for 2 weeks in Ireland.
I can't help but worry about the age difference here..my son is 17 and this guy is 25... should I be worried?
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Old 14-02-2013, 23:49
babinaba
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How did they meet? Have they met in person before?
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Old 14-02-2013, 23:55
cjsmummy
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How did they meet? Have they met in person before?
They 'met' online but apparently this guy has been over here once so they have actually met in person.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:02
kolakoala
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Would I worry - hell yes. But as a mum it goes with the territory. You will spend the rest of your life in this state of mind. Personally I would say - go on son - go over there, see what happens and if you get your heart broken I will wipe your tears. If he finds love and it all works out fine - then buy a hat.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:05
workhorse
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Ask your son to invite him to your house then you can assess the situation.untill you all have at least met him how can you know what this guy is like.at only 17 he is still your responsibility so you have to insist on this.this guy could turn out to be the love of his life and if so what's the rush.good luck.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:09
Vast_Girth
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He's 17. He is essentially a grown-up now and has to go and make his own decisions whether they be good ones or bad ones. Just be there for him whatever happens.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:11
Neb Adra
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How long has he been seeing/talking to this guy? Unfortunately, gay or straight, 16-17 is an awkward age for these things. Too young and naive of adult relationships yet old enough to have sex and expect to be away from the parents for more than a "sleepover". However, as he is still under 18 (and living at home I presume) you still have a right to say how worried you are. Could you possible invite this man over for a weekend before the trip as a compromise? At least meet him first so you can get an idea of how well he may look out for your son when he goes visit him. Or, if that's a no-go, say "go away for a few days, not two weeks, and see how things go first time around".

The key here is to balance being reasonable whilst showing you natural concern. Treat him like the adult he is becoming, but that he still has to respect you ultimate stance on a matter (e.g. if you really do not feel it is appropriate for him to go). The age difference isn't really a big deal here in my opinion, if your son was 18 then he would be an adult, again it just that awkwardness of the 16/17 year old. So in short terms, try and meet the guy yourself, its the only way of getting peace of mind really.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:18
cjsmummy
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He's 17. He is essentially a grown-up now and has to go and make his own decisions whether they be good ones or bad ones. Just be there for him whatever happens.
I know this, I'm just scared. It's such a big age difference.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:22
Super Bandit
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I personally wouldn't let him go. People in their teens and early 20s are essentially still kids. Perhaps meet the guy next time he comes to Scotland to see if hes somewhat trustworthy
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:41
Bibidybobidyboo
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I wouldn't be happy with this. If he was a 17 year girl I wonder if people would be as comfortable? I agree with the poster above. Invite him to your house so you can meet him first. It's quite a big age gap but not terrible and you cant stop them having contact but I think it's just him travelling away to see someone older, by himself that would make me uncomfortable.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:44
cjsmummy
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How long has he been seeing/talking to this guy? Unfortunately, gay or straight, 16-17 is an awkward age for these things. Too young and naive of adult relationships yet old enough to have sex and expect to be away from the parents for more than a "sleepover". However, as he is still under 18 (and living at home I presume) you still have a right to say how worried you are. Could you possible invite this man over for a weekend before the trip as a compromise? At least meet him first so you can get an idea of how well he may look out for your son when he goes visit him. Or, if that's a no-go, say "go away for a few days, not two weeks, and see how things go first time around".

The key here is to balance being reasonable whilst showing you natural concern. Treat him like the adult he is becoming, but that he still has to respect you ultimate stance on a matter (e.g. if you really do not feel it is appropriate for him to go). The age difference isn't really a big deal here in my opinion, if your son was 18 then he would be an adult, again it just that awkwardness of the 16/17 year old. So in short terms, try and meet the guy yourself, its the only way of getting peace of mind really.
You are spot on.
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:49
doop
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I personally wouldn't let him go. People in their teens and early 20s are essentially still kids. Perhaps meet the guy next time he comes to Scotland to see if hes somewhat trustworthy
Kids in their 20s I don`t know what planet you are living on!
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Old 15-02-2013, 01:17
Abomination
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Kids in their 20s I don`t know what planet you are living on!
Certainly! I'm 21, and though I may act like a big kid sometimes, I wouldn't at all consider myself to be anything other than an adult now.

On topic though, I would gently suggest maybe meeting this guy if your son is comfortable with it. Just ask your son if he can try to see it from your point of view for a minute. You'll likely get a good idea from his response... if he's grown-up enough to travel to Ireland for a fortnight to be with this guy, then he ideally needs to be grown-up enough to introduce you to each other.

If they've been talking for some time and have met already, I don't see any immediate cause for concern...I've come across a lot less comfortable age gaps than this. That said, I know it's something that you're rightfully not going to not think about. If you let him go, and if he's mature enough to let you meet this guy, even briefly, then maybe suggest just keeping in touch regularly, make sure you know where he is and I'm sure this will all work out fine in the long run
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Old 15-02-2013, 01:23
dee123
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I wouldn't be happy with this. If he was a 17 year girl I wonder if people would be as comfortable? I agree with the poster above. Invite him to your house so you can meet him first. It's quite a big age gap but not terrible and you cant stop them having contact but I think it's just him travelling away to see someone older, by himself that would make me uncomfortable.
I agree. I hate that double standard.
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Old 15-02-2013, 02:11
Freeman000
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He's a guy so he'll be fine. 25 year old men can't manipulate 17 year old lads in the same way they can 17 year old girls.
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Old 15-02-2013, 03:21
Abomination
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He's a guy so he'll be fine. 25 year old men can't manipulate 17 year old lads in the same way they can 17 year old girls.
Whilst in this situation I don't feel there's anything to worry about, you'd be surprised at how much a guy with an even smaller age gap than this can manipulate the other guy. I've seen it happen more than once, and sadly it's the same people over and over who never seem to learn
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Old 15-02-2013, 03:54
Dynopia
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When is your son 18?

When I was just turned 18 I was dating a 30 year old guy, looking back perhaps that was a big age gap!
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Old 15-02-2013, 06:52
shmisk
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How long has he been talking to the guy?
I would feel he would be potentially in a vulnerable situation staying at the house of someone he's met once in essentially another country.
Despite talking on line he doesn't really know him as on line people can spin any yarn
On the e harmony thread a girl was asked if she thought it was a good idea to go over to a mans house for the evening on second meeting let alone for a fortnight!
More then the age gap that would be my concern
I would try to meet him first.
At the end of the day 17 year olds think they are invincible- they aren't
How is he funding his trip?
I would imagine like most his age if you place objections in front of him he would say "it's because I'm gay" "you don't live me/want to ruin my life" so I would make sure to have your answers ready before bracing the subject
At 17 I had a brief relationship with a 23 year old- I thought I was hot sh@t cause of it
Turned out actually he was a total dick
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Old 15-02-2013, 07:28
bitchboyblue
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He is 17, probably just discovering the gay scene, an older guy who can ease him into this new and exciting world is very attractive, I've been there. But trust me, the novelty will wear off pretty quick, the son will gain confidence, get to know new people and soon get very bored with the 25 year old.
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Old 15-02-2013, 09:04
Tt88
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Is your son staying at the mans house? Could you compromise and ask him to stay at a travelodge or something similar? Would be more expensive but then at least he has somewhere safe to go if things dont turn out to be great.

That would also show him being mature and thinking ahead.
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Old 15-02-2013, 09:28
simonp820
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He's 17 - practically an adult.

I'm not sure I'd consider 17-25 a huge age gap either.
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Old 15-02-2013, 09:55
PinkPetunia
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Putting the age difference aside for a minute everyone needs to be so careful when meeting a stranger .I would be concerned for a young girl or boy or indeed not so young meeting up with a stranger in a strange country .Where in Ireland are they meeting OP ?Do you have a name and address and know where your son will be .Do you know anyone in Ireland in case he needs to call someone .?
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Old 15-02-2013, 10:03
PinkPetunia
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When is your son 18?

When I was just turned 18 I was dating a 30 year old guy, looking back perhaps that was a big age gap!
As a matter of interest would you or your parents have been comfortable with you going to another country and staying in the guys house for 2 weeks before you even knew him ?
Even a 40 year old would need to be so careful who and when and where they meet up with strangers .
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Old 15-02-2013, 10:36
davidmcn
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No matter the age or age gap, it seems a bit odd to decide to spend a fortnight together after only one real-life "date". They might be fed up of each other by day 2!
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Old 15-02-2013, 10:43
heavy_rotation
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The age difference isn't that big, he's basically an adult and 25 is a young adult
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