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Old 15-02-2013, 18:14
Tackomacko
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as a gay man myself, this is actually quite normal, i had a fling with a guy and there was an age difference and it was all fine, i was 18, he was 32 and he actually gave me a lot of confidence. was a nice guy.
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Old 15-02-2013, 19:26
Hogzilla
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Aw cjs, I'd feel the same way as you. Nothing to do with sexual orientation just, yes, in so many ways a 17 yr old is still a kid and and 25 yr old - well, an adult. I know if I were you I'd feel happier about it if I had met the person, myself.

My only-just-18 yr old has gone off re-enacting this weekend with a friend who is very attractive, 28, and has a thing for younger men - she had a crush on a lad who was a colleague's son, last year who is a year older than my son. And although we're having a laugh about it - she is a friend of our's and we've known her years - the aspect that concerns me is, as someone considerably older, she could mess with his head. I don't want his heart breaking just as he has A Levels! I'd feel the same if he was gay. My oldest son is gay, too. He didn't get involved with anyone til he was at uni, though.

For what it's worth, my second boyfriend, I was 18 and he was 24 and he was a sound a lovely person. I look back now and wonder what my dad thought - I never brought him home, but my dad knew about him as he was a friend of my older brother's and maybe it worried him I was being led astray or something.

Hope that reassures.
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Old 15-02-2013, 20:38
academia
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What a bizarre thing to say. You don't know anything about the guy maybe he does think it has a future, the OP's son isn't going to be 17 forever
Or maybe he just likes to exploit the young. It's a strange adult who invites a kid away to another country wothout even consulting parents.
I don't like the sound of this and I wouldn't let the boy go.
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Old 15-02-2013, 21:41
TYCO
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Exactly

The man is inviting the boy to another country and hasn't made a single effort to get to know the boys parents, which I'm sure he knows about if it is indeed "love".

This has sleezy perverted guy written all over it.

Now that I think about it, I wouldn't let him go either.
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Old 15-02-2013, 21:54
cjsmummy
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Thanks for all the replies. Lots of conflicting opinions! Apparently this guy wants to speak to me, so I told my son to pass on my number. Still waiting...

I have no idea how my son intends to fund this trip..I'm certainly not! I have said to him 2 weeks is an awfully long time to spend with a virtual stranger..yes they've apparently being communicating online for months but that and one actual meeting does not a relationship make!
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Old 15-02-2013, 21:56
Tt88
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Thanks for all the replies. Lots of conflicting opinions! Apparently this guy wants to speak to me, so I told my son to pass on my number. Still waiting...

I have no idea how my son intends to fund this trip..I'm certainly not! I have said to him 2 weeks is an awfully long time to spend with a virtual stranger..yes they've apparently being communicating online for months but that and one actual meeting does not a relationship make!
Its good that youre talking about it openly with him. Have you tried suggesting they meet and stay in a mutual place? Its a bit odd if hes intending to sleep at his house.
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Old 15-02-2013, 22:04
Susan_A1951
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Thanks for all the replies. Lots of conflicting opinions! Apparently this guy wants to speak to me, so I told my son to pass on my number. Still waiting...

I have no idea how my son intends to fund this trip..I'm certainly not! I have said to him 2 weeks is an awfully long time to spend with a virtual stranger..yes they've apparently being communicating online for months but that and one actual meeting does not a relationship make!
I am so glad the older guy wants to speak to you. In fact 8 years is not such a big age gap - but I would also be worried if it was my own child.

It is not the gender thing - but a natural worry for your 17 year old child. Of course he thinks he is an adult - and of course he is not.

In the end - if he has the funding to go - you can't lock him in his bedroom. And of course he is going back to the guy's place and fall into bed - whatever he may say. But you can put in a lot of safeguards. For example - making sure he has a mobile phone and a way out if he needs to get home. Enough emergency money to get to the airport - and a return ticket. Get him to promise to contact you every day or even more often.

Being the parent of a vulnerable child is always awful. Been there, done and got a lot of Tshirts! You can only let them go - but make sure they have escape routes.

BTW - my gay kid is 5 years into a loving relationship with someone 6 years older.
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Old 15-02-2013, 22:35
crazybutterflyx
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Or maybe he just likes to exploit the young. It's a strange adult who invites a kid away to another country wothout even consulting parents.
I don't like the sound of this and I wouldn't let the boy go.
Its not like its his friends parents asking him to go on holiday! Would you ask your boyfriend/girlfriend's mum if they were allowed to come see you? I wouldn't. I'd ask my boyfriend who if he wanted to and, if he was 17, he would then be in charge of asking his mum's permission!

OP, I get the concern, but being 18 I can see it more from your son's point of view. I do agree that it isn't entirely a good idea for your son to be going off to meet this guy in another country, especially if he's inexperienced with all that side of things. I do think it's good that this guy wants to talk to you himself, and hopefully he'll be able to help put your mind at ease. But at the same time (and I dont mean this to sound bad towards you, really I dont!) try to make sure you treat him like an adult in the whole situation too. Make sure you listen to his side of things. I only say this because I had two rather overbearing parents (only child getting all the attention) who now don't really get told much about my romantic/private life which I can keep hidden from them since I moved into my own flat. I wish I could tell them more, but they do tend to patronize me and I cant be bothered with it! Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to make this about me, I just figured it should be said because I understand the whole 17 not wanting to feel like a kid thing
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Old 15-02-2013, 23:21
academia
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Its not like its his friends parents asking him to go on holiday! Would you ask your boyfriend/girlfriend's mum if they were allowed to come see you? I wouldn't. I'd ask my boyfriend who if he wanted to and, if he was 17, he would then be in charge of asking his mum's permission!

OP, I get the concern, but being 18 I can see it more from your son's point of view. I do agree that it isn't entirely a good idea for your son to be going off to meet this guy in another country, especially if he's inexperienced with all that side of things. I do think it's good that this guy wants to talk to you himself, and hopefully he'll be able to help put your mind at ease. But at the same time (and I dont mean this to sound bad towards you, really I dont!) try to make sure you treat him like an adult in the whole situation too. Make sure you listen to his side of things. I only say this because I had two rather overbearing parents (only child getting all the attention) who now don't really get told much about my romantic/private life which I can keep hidden from them since I moved into my own flat. I wish I could tell them more, but they do tend to patronize me and I cant be bothered with it! Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to make this about me, I just figured it should be said because I understand the whole 17 not wanting to feel like a kid thing
But 17 is still a kid whether he likes it or not. Has he even left school yet? I'm seeing this from a Mum's point of view. I would be very concerned if any of my kids (male or female)met someone so much older online and was then was invited to go away for a fortnight's holiday a fair distance away. I would expect to meet this person first. I would expect to know a lot more about him than 'We've been chatting on the internet and i know it's safe....' I'd want to know how many other youngsters he'd made 'friends' with.
17 is as green as grass.
it just wouldn't happen.
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Old 15-02-2013, 23:29
BBWorldWideFan
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I don't think that's too bad since I had a relationship (more of a fling) with a 34 year old when I was 14. Although my parents never knew so I guess I couldn't see it from the OP's P.O.V as a parent.
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Old 15-02-2013, 23:39
crazybutterflyx
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But 17 is still a kid whether he likes it or not. Has he even left school yet? I'm seeing this from a Mum's point of view. I would be very concerned if any of my kids (male or female)met someone so much older online and was then was invited to go away for a fortnight's holiday a fair distance away. I would expect to meet this person first. I would expect to know a lot more about him than 'We've been chatting on the internet and i know it's safe....' I'd want to know how many other youngsters he'd made 'friends' with.
17 is as green as grass.
it just wouldn't happen.
I totally agree with all of this, I'm not saying she should let him go. I think she needs to meet him and whatnot and that he shouldn't be going away without knowing him better. But at the same time, he will have to travel to see him so they can get to know each other face to face, it's not fair to expect the other man to do it all the time. I do think the op should talk to him, and I don't think she's being too overbearing. My point about my parents was they would decide I wasnt to speak to the guy again, and I know she isn't doing that but I was just trying to warn her that if her son feels she is patronizing him or not trusting her, it'll push him away. So while I think she does need to meet the guy (and I think her son should understand that if he's grown up enough to be in the relationship in the first place) I also think she should trust her son's judgement with the guy until she has reason not to. I wasn't trying to say she was overreacting, just trying to say that she shouldn't write it off because she's freaked out by the age or anything. Sorry if that wasn't clear
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Old 15-02-2013, 23:51
BBWorldWideFan
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I personally wouldn't let him go. People in their teens and early 20s are essentially still kids. Perhaps meet the guy next time he comes to Scotland to see if hes somewhat trustworthy
But would you expect your kids to get part time jobs and pay their way at that age?
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Old 16-02-2013, 00:57
~Minky~
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He's a guy so he'll be fine. 25 year old men can't manipulate 17 year old lads in the same way they can 17 year old girls.
Sorry but this is rubbish. Girls are used to fending off men's advances from a young age. Ime young gay men can be very na´ve about what men are like, as they don't have so much experience of sexual attention.
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Old 16-02-2013, 01:11
~Minky~
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Personally I wouldn't let a 17 year old of either gender go + stay with someone they've never met.

I'd invite him over + he can either stay with you or at B+B.

He could be nice or he could be an asshole. And the possibility of a 17 year old being persuaded or even coerced into something he's not comfortable with, is quite high.
Particularly if he's staying in his house. If he's not comfortable - where would he go?

I agree with the people who say he could be a sleaze. Realistically you have to factor that in.
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Old 16-02-2013, 01:19
Aneechik
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I can't see why everyone is getting so het up about "coercision" - he's a 17 year old male, he'll be expecting sex just as much as the 25 year old is.
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Old 16-02-2013, 01:31
~Minky~
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How do you know what the 17 year old is expecting?

He might be up for straight sex but not kinky stuff for example + not know how to handle saying no + setting boundaries.

What if he gets there doesn't fancy the guy + the guy's expecting sex nonetheless?

Fwiw I know a guy who went to Rome aged 18 + came home with HIV. Had an affair with an older guy + was persuaded to have sex without a condom. Not kinky in that instance just unsafe.
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Old 16-02-2013, 02:03
Addisonian
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Regardless of sexual orientation, I wouldn't be happy about this and would certainly want to meet the person first.

Btw, this isn't 'cj' we're on about, is it?
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Old 16-02-2013, 14:45
cjsmummy
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Regardless of sexual orientation, I wouldn't be happy about this and would certainly want to meet the person first.

Btw, this isn't 'cj' we're on about, is it?
Lol no, he's only four.

I'm waiting to see if this guy phones me, I'm interested to hear what he has to say.
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Old 16-02-2013, 15:14
TelevisionUser
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How do you know what the 17 year old is expecting?

He might be up for straight sex but not kinky stuff for example + not know how to handle saying no + setting boundaries.

What if he gets there doesn't fancy the guy + the guy's expecting sex nonetheless?

Fwiw I know a guy who went to Rome aged 18 + came home with HIV. Had an affair with an older guy + was persuaded to have sex without a condom. Not kinky in that instance just unsafe.
These days, safe sex is a must and the relevant advice is here:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexandyou...ages/STIs.aspx
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/HIV/Pag...roduction.aspx
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Old 16-02-2013, 16:38
lyndalahughes
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Personally I wouldn't let a 17 year old of either gender go + stay with someone they've never met.

I'd invite him over + he can either stay with you or at B+B.

He could be nice or he could be an asshole. And the possibility of a 17 year old being persuaded or even coerced into something he's not comfortable with, is quite high.
Particularly if he's staying in his house. If he's not comfortable - where would he go?

I agree with the people who say he could be a sleaze. Realistically you have to factor that in.
It's my understanding from reading the thread that they have actually met.

I do think that perhaps alternative accommodation or an open return ticket home is advantageous, in case something happens and they don't get along.

OP, do you know what they have planned to do during their time together? Being 17 your son legally shouldn't be going to bars and clubs (I know it doesn't stop most). So you may like to ask the 25 year old where he's going to be taking your son.
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Old 16-02-2013, 16:40
lyndalahughes
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How do you know what the 17 year old is expecting?

He might be up for straight sex but not kinky stuff for example + not know how to handle saying no + setting boundaries.

What if he gets there doesn't fancy the guy + the guy's expecting sex nonetheless?

Fwiw I know a guy who went to Rome aged 18 + came home with HIV. Had an affair with an older guy + was persuaded to have sex without a condom. Not kinky in that instance just unsafe.
Hmm, well at any age no-one could persuade me to do something I didn't want to do, so there is likely more to that story than your friend has revealed, but at least it beats the 'condom slipped off' excuse.
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Old 16-02-2013, 18:57
~Minky~
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It's my understanding from reading the thread that they have actually met.
My bad, I read it very fast.

Hmm, well at any age no-one could persuade me to do something I didn't want to do, so there is likely more to that story than your friend has revealed, but at least it beats the 'condom slipped off' excuse.
It's the son of a friend of mine, I find this really quite obnoxious.
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Old 16-02-2013, 21:21
academia
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My bad, I read it very fast.

It's the son of a friend of mine, I find this really quite obnoxious.
I agree. Some of the posts on here are so casual about a boy's welfare, it's sickening.
At the ned of the day, boys tend to be overconfident that they can handle things and then find themseles stymied about what to do if things get out of hand. In the end, they're still kids at the mercy of an adult. I see no reason why this man should not visit the OP and make himself known unless he feels he cannot withstand scrutiny. Minky's story is an object lesson in what can happen to naive youngsters.
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Old 16-02-2013, 21:46
cjsmummy
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I agree. Some of the posts on here are so casual about a boy's welfare, it's sickening.
At the ned of the day, boys tend to be overconfident that they can handle things and then find themseles stymied about what to do if things get out of hand. In the end, they're still kids at the mercy of an adult. I see no reason why this man should not visit the OP and make himself known unless he feels he cannot withstand scrutiny. Minky's story is an object lesson in what can happen to naive youngsters.
Quite..thank you. I don't appreciate stupid comments that are that rude and could result in my thread being closed...

So..it looks like the panic is over and my son has changed his mind about this guy. Seems he's been mulling over my concerns for a couple of days and has decided against travelling to Ireland.
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Old 16-02-2013, 21:55
bazaar1
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Sounds like you've raised a good, sensible boy op. you sound like a good mum too, so is trust your instincts if something like this comes up again, be honest with him and tell him your concerns but at the end of the day, trust him to make the right decision, or to make, and learn from, mistakes. He obviously feels he can talk to you, which you should be proud of!

Fwiw, at 18 I went to oz alone, fell out with my room mate and moved in with a guy (and his sister) who I'd known 2 days! He was 30 and just split from his gf (and mother to his 3 kids), but i was in love! i had a ball, then we spilt and I had the broken heart, which still stings today (he was the one I wish had worked out) but I'd not change any of it. My poor mum must of been having kittens at home with various phone calls from me, but she never once showed it, and I'm still here, alive and well!
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