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Old 17-02-2013, 15:52
Rachael.
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I split with my daughter's father last week and he has told me today that he wants joint custody.

I do not want this as he cannot be depended on. We have split on previous occasions and he continuously cancelled arrangements to take her for the day, making up excuses when he was actually drinking with friends.

Do I have the right to refuse or will he be granted joint custody regardless?
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:00
JumpTheShark
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You can't unilaterally decide who will have custody. If you can't agree between yourselves it will go to court and they will decide. Unless there are very good reasons for refusing it they won't deny your ex shared custody.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:05
Rachael.
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That's what I thought. I would rather just sort it out between ourselves. He is immature and irresponsible his main priority is getting drunk with friends. He has never provided for our daughter and when we lived together refused to change a nappy, get her dressed etc as "it's the mother's job".

He mentioned if he gets joint custody it will help him get a house (?). This annoys me as I feel he is using our daughter just so he has his own place to live.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:07
burnt toast
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You would have to have a very good reason for a court to order that he not see his child. If you think she is in danger in his company, they will order he see her in the company of a social worker. If you don't want to get this messy then come to some arrangement with him. He is her father and has a right to maintain a relationship with her. Both of you need to be adult about it and do it for the good or the child.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:09
burnt toast
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If the child is primarily living with you then it won't help him to get a house at all.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:12
Glyn W
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If the child is primarily living with you then it won't help him to get a house at all.
Yep, there's quite a difference between custody and access.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:15
gdjman68wasdigi
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I split with my daughter's father last week and he has told me today that he wants joint custody.

I do not want this as he cannot be depended on. We have split on previous occasions and he continuously cancelled arrangements to take her for the day, making up excuses when he was actually drinking with friends.

Do I have the right to refuse or will he be granted joint custody regardless?
its a childs right to see their father, not yours

regarding your initial post, we only get to hear one side on DS

edit

childs right to have regular contact with each parent
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:21
gdjman68wasdigi
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You can't unilaterally decide who will have custody. If you can't agree between yourselves it will go to court and they will decide. Unless there are very good reasons for refusing it they won't deny your ex shared custody.
and the father should incorporate half of the holidays whilst he is at court, which will be several hearings and thousands of pounds

half school holidays, half easter, 3 weeks at summer, half christmas etc

it is all incorporated into a residence order, that is very different to "access"
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:26
gdjman68wasdigi
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That's what I thought. I would rather just sort it out between ourselves. He is immature and irresponsible his main priority is getting drunk with friends. He has never provided for our daughter and when we lived together refused to change a nappy, get her dressed etc as "it's the mother's job".

He mentioned if he gets joint custody it will help him get a house (?). This annoys me as I feel he is using our daughter just so he has his own place to live.



there are many parents who also use children to reap the "benefits" they bring

that annoys me

i wouldnt worry though, if he lives with his parents and does not have a place to take them, the court will not award a residence order, you will remain the "parent with care" and he will have "access"

i would of thought

im a homeowner, im hands on, my parents were also very involved from birth, the schools are by me

i have a residence order, including all the holidays, it wasent hard to arrange it but cost a lot of money
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:30
Rachael.
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its a childs right to see their father, not yours

regarding your initial post, we only get to hear one side on DS

edit

childs right to have regular contact with each parent
I'm not saying I don't want her to see her father. I want nothing more than him to have regular contact with her but I'm worried about been taken to court. I grew up with a father who took no interest and do not want this for my daughter. I've basically brought her up alone for the past year and a half while her father is out drinking several nights a week and leaving for weeks on end when he gets bored of the relationship.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I will try again to sort out an agreement between the 2 of us which will not end up with me being taken to court.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:34
Throgmorton1
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However much of a half-wit he appears to be - do try and separate your natural desires to have him dead with what your offspring needs.

It takes enormous willpower not to react to the demands of someone determined to hurt you - but, in the end, you are the brighter one - so need to concentrate on what would be best for your child.

Let them have the opportunity to discover that Dad is a waste of space - rather than making him a romantic hero denied access.

Incredibly hard to do - but one of you has to be mature enough to put your child first.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:34
gdjman68wasdigi
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I'm not saying I don't want her to see her father. I want nothing more than him to have regular contact with her but I'm worried about been taken to court. I grew up with a father who took no interest and do not want this for my daughter. I've basically brought her up alone for the past year and a half while her father is out drinking several nights a week and leaving for weeks on end when he gets bored of the relationship.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I will try again to sort out an agreement between the 2 of us which will not end up with me being taken to court.
you could start the ball rolling with a c100 form,

are you working?
do you qualify for legal aid?

http://www.thecustodyminefield.com/CourtForms/C100.pdf


his "access" or "contact" will then be outlined in a court order

more importantly, the child will know were she is regarding her father, and that is more important than you or him


maybe a rename for your thread


"what rights does my child have..?"
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:39
Rachael.
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Thanks I'll have a look at this. I'm hoping its just been am empty threat. He's already lost access to another daughter as he kept cancelling his arrangements.

Also my child is one so therefore can't really decide her rights. As I have previously stated I am not trying to stop her father seeing her.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:42
Rachael.
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However much of a half-wit he appears to be - do try and separate your natural desires to have him dead with what your offspring needs.

It takes enormous willpower not to react to the demands of someone determined to hurt you - but, in the end, you are the brighter one - so need to concentrate on what would be best for your child.

Let them have the opportunity to discover that Dad is a waste of space - rather than making him a romantic hero denied access.

Incredibly hard to do - but one of you has to be mature enough to put your child first.
Good words. My concern is him letting her down. She's too young just now to notice but I dont want her being disappointed when she's old enough to realise.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:43
gdjman68wasdigi
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Thanks I'll have a look at this. I'm hoping its just been am empty threat. He's already lost access to another daughter as he kept cancelling his arrangements.
well you have nothing to worry about if he is as useless as you say he is, the court will never award a residence order

it will be access, maybe one day in the week and every other weekend.

which isnt enough to build a relationship but the court will start it off like that

whatever happens, please dont slag him off to your daughter, that will damage her.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:46
gdjman68wasdigi
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Thanks I'll have a look at this. I'm hoping its just been am empty threat. He's already lost access to another daughter as he kept cancelling his arrangements.

Also my child is one so therefore can't really decide her rights. As I have previously stated I am not trying to stop her father seeing her.
all the facts will be nice op, the child is a toddler ok...

well, the court will see that the child is best with the mother at the age of one, they may see it differently if dad was a sensible person, homeowner, job etc..but they will grant regular visits to the father..

even convicts have the right to see their children, so he will get some access, maybe an overnight stay at the parents house
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:46
Rachael.
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well you have nothing to worry about if he is as useless as you say he is, the court will never award a residence order

it will be access, maybe one day in the week and every other weekend.

which isnt enough to build a relationship but the court will start it off like that

whatever happens, please dont slag him off to your daughter, that will damage her.
I would never do this. That is one thing that I really hate.

Also I would be more than willing to allow him more access than this so he's basically shooting himself in the foot.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:50
gdjman68wasdigi
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I would never do this. That is one thing that I really hate.

Also I would be more than willing to allow him more access than this so he's basically shooting himself in the foot.
ive been through the family courts with my ex, its not pleasant, its expensive

no body won or lost, the children are the losers (9 and 13)

but we have shared care(residence order) with them, its set in stone, the children know that

it cost me around 7000 after barristers, mediators, parenting classes, court time and solicitors fees

worth every penny
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:55
Rachael.
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ive been through the family courts with my ex, its not pleasant, its expensive

no body won or lost, the children are the losers (9 and 13)

but we have shared care(residence order) with them, its set in stone, the children know that

it cost me around 7000 after barristers, mediators, parenting classes, court time and solicitors fees

worth every penny
You sound like a sensible guy though and if in a few years time my ex has grown up and in employment then I will not be so worried about shared care.
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Old 17-02-2013, 16:56
VOICEINTHENIGHT
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I split with my daughter's father last week and he has told me today that he wants joint custody.

I do not want this as he cannot be depended on. We have split on previous occasions and he continuously cancelled arrangements to take her for the day, making up excuses when he was actually drinking with friends.

Do I have the right to refuse or will he be granted joint custody regardless?
My thoughts on this kind of situation: Generally I feel that it is best for a child to have contact with both parents equally. If however there are issues with one of the parents it is best to write down in a list, the reasons why you feel joint custedy won't work.Llist things like excessive drinking, Irrisponsible behaviour, Failure to attend swapover on time. and other issues. If you can I would always keep the whole situation as pleasent as possible but if you do end up in court, or arbetration these 'evidence notes' will add weight to your case. (Remember he may well be keeping a record of your 'sins' too) so be on time and don't pick fights infront of your child, discuss things calmly and if things do stert to become heated walk away.
the other peice of advice I would give: 'Contact Relate' they don't just deal with marriage they can help with all of this sort of thing too (or appoint someone who can help)
I hope you can sort this out.
There is only one person who matters in this case. Your child. do not let your child get hurt by this, do everything you can to keep your child in a good relationship with both of you. for the childs sake. Voicy.
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Old 17-02-2013, 17:00
Rachael.
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My thoughts on this kind of situation: Generally I feel that it is best for a child to have contact with both parents equally. If however there are issues with one of the parents it is best to write down in a list, the reasons why you feel joint custedy won't work.Llist things like excessive drinking, Irrisponsible behaviour, Failure to attend swapover on time. and other issues. If you can I would always keep the whole situation as pleasent as possible but if you do end up in court, or arbetration these 'evidence notes' will add weight to your case. (Remember he may well be keeping a record of your 'sins' too) so be on time and don't pick fights infront of your child, discuss things calmly and if things do stert to become heated walk away.
the other peice of advice I would give: 'Contact Relate' they don't just deal with marriage they can help with all of this sort of thing too (or appoint someone who can help)
I hope you can sort this out.
There is only one person who matters in this case. Your child. do not let your child get hurt by this, do everything you can to keep your child in a good relationship with both of you. for the childs sake. Voicy.
Thanks. Good advice. I do try to keep things civil but I he comes in to my house and slags me off. Also his compulsive liar sister told him that I told her next time he cancels he's never seeing her again when I never said such a thing. The whole situation is just getting childish and I'm getting tired of it.
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Old 17-02-2013, 17:03
gdjman68wasdigi
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My thoughts on this kind of situation: Generally I feel that it is best for a child to have contact with both parents equally. If however there are issues with one of the parents it is best to write down in a list, the reasons why you feel joint custedy won't work.Llist things like excessive drinking, Irrisponsible behaviour, Failure to attend swapover on time. and other issues. If you can I would always keep the whole situation as pleasent as possible but if you do end up in court, or arbetration these 'evidence notes' will add weight to your case. (Remember he may well be keeping a record of your 'sins' too) so be on time and don't pick fights infront of your child, discuss things calmly and if things do stert to become heated walk away.
the other peice of advice I would give: 'Contact Relate' they don't just deal with marriage they can help with all of this sort of thing too (or appoint someone who can help)
I hope you can sort this out.
There is only one person who matters in this case. Your child. do not let your child get hurt by this, do everything you can to keep your child in a good relationship with both of you. for the childs sake. Voicy.
^this^

and when you are in court, do not slag him off, your solicitor will do most of the talking, being honest, its all sorted before you go in there, the judge will have read all of the notes and will have made a decision

however, they will have heard all of the "domestic violence" allegations out there, keep it simple, stick to the facts


and if dad is a useless, power drinking tosser, his solicitor will have told him already he wont stand a chance, but will suggest contact arrangments to the court

before you both go in there
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Old 17-02-2013, 17:09
Rachael.
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^this^

and when you are in court, do not slag him off, your solicitor will do most of the talking, being honest, its all sorted before you go in there, the judge will have read all of the notes and will have made a decision

however, they will have heard all of the "domestic violence" allegations out there, keep it simple, stick to the facts


and if dad is a useless, power drinking tosser, his solicitor will have told him already he wont stand a chance, but will suggest contact arrangments to the court

before you both go in there
During our argument he told be that he has people willig to cover for him if I was to tell the court about him drinking/taking drugs while he's out. Surely this is not possible? He did go on to say that it was a heat of the moment comment but it worries me that he has "back up" ready to lie for him.
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Old 17-02-2013, 17:15
gdjman68wasdigi
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During our argument he told be that he has people willig to cover for him if I was to tell the court about him drinking/taking drugs while he's out. Surely this is not possible? He did go on to say that it was a heat of the moment comment but it worries me that he has "back up" ready to lie for him.
the court wont really be intrested without proof, they will see it as "he said she said.."


you must focus on the child and try and come to an agreement in court, as i have said, both solicitors will have presented arrangments to judge, its very simple and the judge will basically ask "have you both come to an agreement that suits you both"


regarding back up, they certainly wont involve third parties, and anyway your ex is just being ridiculous saying that.

if there are any allegations, cafcass, social services will be instructed by the court, the hearing adjourned and judge will decide on findings of cafcass/ss
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Old 17-02-2013, 17:29
Wizsister
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Why would you have a baby with someone like that?
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