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Not wanting or having children


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Old 07-05-2013, 17:41
Doll Feet
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There are plently of people in this world, and ever decreasing resources. Humans can be monsters.
Something along these lines, yes. I've never had a single second's regret that I chose never to breed and the older I get the more it feels like something of an achievement.
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Old 07-05-2013, 17:43
jra
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She must be a right ignoramous - thank god I have never encountered someone like that.

For so many people it might be a sensitive issue/infertility and that is no one's business unless you decide to open up.

I have met a couple of people who have said Good for you not having kids - they are hard work (etc etc) Again I just put them right and say the truth - would have loved 'em but it never happened.
One of my aunts was unable to have any children, due to having had a serious bowel operation, which nearly cost her, her life. So, it's not a black and white situation.
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Old 07-05-2013, 17:54
lesleyanne
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She must be a right ignoramous - thank god I have never encountered someone like that.

For so many people it might be a sensitive issue/infertility and that is no one's business unless you decide to open up.

I have met a couple of people who have said Good for you not having kids - they are hard work (etc etc) Again I just put them right and say the truth - would have loved 'em but it never happened.
She was a bit odd to be honest, ah no that's a bit nasty, I'll just say that she was a well meaning person who just wasn't that bright.

The one I've had recently is people disagreeing with me when I say it's too late for me to have kids now.

I might say something like 'I would've loved to have children, and always though I would do so, but it just never happened for me, and it's too late now'. They reply that of course it's not too late, which either forces me to reveal my age (late 40s but most people think I'm younger if they don't know my age), or tell them that I have started peri-menopause symptoms, so it is extremely unlikely that I am still fertile.

I just wish, in such a potentially sensitive area, people who dont know you v well would just accept what you tell them, and not try to start a discussion about your fertility!
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Old 07-05-2013, 17:58
stoatie
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I really don't get this. It's not like you can give it back if you don't like it!
Exactly. I always say "I think I'd be a pretty shit dad" when people ask me... they invariably respond with something along the lines of "oh, I bet you'd be surprised! I think you'd be great once it came down to it".

I dunno... it's a pretty big gamble, really, isn't it? If it turns out I was right all along, then it's not gonna be of much comfort to the poor little kid that, well, everyone ELSE thought I'd be good at it, so it was worth a go, right?
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:01
shmisk
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These days questions of this type I have low tolerance of

When asked why I haven't a chd with my partner (I have a child by previous partner who is 11) the insensitive asker gets treated to the tales of my failed fertility treatments and miscarriages

Usually shuts them up, apart from the odd prat who recommends Chinese herbs (like I hadn't thought of that)

An anti child couple at work had a surprise baby last year at 45 (him) and 43 (her) and never stop going on about how amazing their kid is.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:24
Pandora 9
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We don't have any, we are 40 and 39.

My o/h (funnily enough I don't recall being asked the question) is often asked if she has children and when she replies that she doesn't, is asked why.

What I want to know is why people think they have the right to ask such a personal question!

There is nothing wrong with not having children. I myself told my husband before we got married that I didn't want any children. After we had been married for 4 years I told him I had changed my mind and wanted one. He agreed and we had my daughter who was a beautiful baby and now a lovely young women. A few years after my daughter I decided I wanted a sibling for her because I was an only child and I wanted her to have some family if I happened to die young like my Mother. I was expecting to have another girl and after having a scan at 33 weeks was told it was a boy. I don't regret having my children and would never be without them. They do cost a lot of time and money so I can understand why people decide to remain childless.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:27
shhhhh
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I feel sorry for couples who dont have children, especially when they get old because when one of them croaks the other one is left with nothing.

At least when you have kids the chances are you will have your children and grandchildren popping round to see you.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:31
Pandora 9
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I feel sorry for couples who dont have children, especially when they get old because when one of them croaks the other one is left with nothing.

At least when you have kids the chances are you will have your children and grandchildren popping round to see you.
My daughter said she was going to have granny flat built on her house for my husband and I to use when we get older. I told her no because I didn't have children so they would look after me in my old age
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:32
IzzyS
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I'm the same as you OP, in as much as I don't have children and I can't picture myself ever being in that situation, to be honest but yes, for me it would be a pretty uncomfortable question to be asked that, as its quite a personal issue. I've heard people ask that quite casually - I think for some (or even most people), they presume the other person will want/have kids at some point and parents probably enjoy giving advice or talking about it. Its going to get a bit awkward for me when friends have kids and want to chat about it because it doesn't really interest me - I wouldn't like to handle a baby incase I got something wrong and dropped it or something daft. I've never felt particularly maternal but thats not something I'd casually start to talk in any detail about, not just like that...
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:32
shhhhh
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My daughter said she was going to have granny flat built on her house for my husband and I to use when we get older. I told her no because I didn't have children so they would look after me in my old age
Good for you.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:32
Indigo Louise
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She was a bit odd to be honest, ah no that's a bit nasty, I'll just say that she was a well meaning person who just wasn't that bright.

The one I've had recently is people disagreeing with me when I say it's too late for me to have kids now.

I might say something like 'I would've loved to have children, and always though I would do so, but it just never happened for me, and it's too late now'. They reply that of course it's not too late, which either forces me to reveal my age (late 40s but most people think I'm younger if they don't know my age), or tell them that I have started peri-menopause symptoms, so it is extremely unlikely that I am still fertile.

I just wish, in such a potentially sensitive area, people who dont know you v well would just accept what you tell them, and not try to start a discussion about your fertility!
Oh I completely understand - I look younger than my 48 years and I often get that response - it is not too late etcetc.

I have a lovely sister many years my senior, and even she suggested I am not too old and I could use donor eggs!!

Who would have known anyone cared that much about about our ability to reproduce!!
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:42
venusinflares
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I hate being referred to as 'childless'. This implies that I am missing out on something, that somehow I am 'less' without a child. I correct people and tell them I am child free, not childless.

I find 'childless' quite offensive in my case, in that I am child free through choice.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:53
shhhhh
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I get that from my cat and got it especially from my Dog. I don't need children to feel that love.
Haha cat and dog.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:54
jra
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I just wish, in such a potentially sensitive area, people who dont know you v well would just accept what you tell them, and not try to start a discussion about your fertility!
That's almost as bad as people asking somebody about their sperm count.
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:56
big brother 9
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I get that from my cat and got it especially from my Dog. I don't need children to feel that love.
unless you experiance it you will never understand it, and i accept its not for eberyone but i wanted to put my 2 penneth in
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Old 07-05-2013, 18:57
jra
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I feel sorry for couples who dont have children, especially when they get old because when one of them croaks the other one is left with nothing.
What if you are not in a couple, or for that matter don't really want to be.

An anti child couple at work had a surprise baby last year at 45 (him) and 43 (her) and never stop going on about how amazing their kid is.
And no doubt, that is very boring, after a while.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:05
IzzyS
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We don't have children, we don't want them.

I get asked a lot why I don't have them (or why I don't want them). It really annoys me as I would never dream of asking a person with children why they wanted them or why did they bother having them? It's a very personal thing and I don't see why people think it's OK to ask someone. Some people have even said to me (in all seriousness too) 'go on, just have one before it's too late! It'll be the best thing that'll ever happen to you!'.

I have resorted to telling people that it's mine and my husband's business as to why we don't want/have children and is nothing to do with them. The previous tactic was telling people that I hate children and would most likely be a bad mother but to that they just say 'oh no you don't hate them and you wouldn't be a bad mother at all!!'. Prior to that I would say I'm too old (I'm 40, I know myself I'm too old to be dealing with babies/toddlers) but they'd just tell me I'm not too old at all (I don't know myself apparently).

I've even been called odd for my lack of maternal instinct, have been told it's 'not normal'.

So, it's best just to tell such people to mind their own as they will argue against any other reason you give them, apart from maybe that you've had your menopause already but even then they might tell you to use a surrogate!
You sound like me lol I fear I wouldn't be able to cope as a parent and I'd be upset if a child of mine had the same issues I had, to be totally frank. I don't know how I'd talk about or explain certain things and I panic at loud noises, so babies kind of scare me I remember seeing my cousins as babies and being grossed out at the mess they made with their food at feeding time and how loud they were and my mum said thats what babies do - I told myself I didn't want any of it

At work, in the past people have come in to show off their newborns and other women go over and coo at them etc. - I don't seem to have that instinct at all. I could probably talk to a child but babies give me the scares lol I'd be ticked off if friends said your so wrong though or don't be silly - how do they know how I feel? anyway do you want to try and find out, only to discover you were right and find it hard to cope, getting post natal depression or/and whatever else? no thank you(!).
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:13
ladymoanalot
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I feel sorry for couples who dont have children, especially when they get old because when one of them croaks the other one is left with nothing.

At least when you have kids the chances are you will have your children and grandchildren popping round to see you.

I am an only child. The only family I have is one gran and mum and dad... that is it.

I still can not bring myself to reproduce so I am not alone in old age.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:15
IzzyS
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I don't mind people asking it's when they can't respect your opinions and take no for an answer and then proceed to try and tell you what's good for you.

A stupid girl at my son's nursery asked us if we planning to have any more children and we said no were quite happy with just the one. In fact the truth is I didn't actually want any at all and it annoys me when people bring it up because it's a touchy subject as I know my wife would want another but it ain't gonna happen. Besides we can't afford and don't have the room.

It's when people say, 'oh you can't just have one' Why the hell not? Then they bang on about them being sad and lonely etc like only children are not capable of making friends. No matter how much you keep saying, no I won't be having any more they just keep saying, no you must have more than one. You feel like saying, 'what the **** has it got to do with you?'

For all this stupid girl knew maybe my wife is not able to have any more kids and maybe it upsets her to talk about it. Someone who works in a nursery really should mind their own business. Not everyone is a baby machine constantly churning out kids.
I'm an only child, we do indeed survive without siblings, if that helps at all(!). Though to be honest I'm a very lonely person but honestly, I don't think having a sibling would have changed that much at all, its just who I am. As an only child I had more room growing up and was more than likely spoilt and I appreciated that
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:20
ladymoanalot
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I'm an only child, we do indeed survive without siblings, if that helps at all(!). Though to be honest I'm a very lonely person but honestly, I don't think having a sibling would have changed that much at all, its just who I am. As an only child I had more room growing up and was more than likely spoilt and I appreciated that
I was never lonely. It made me more imaginative if anything.

I was never spoilt though.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:22
jra
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I was never lonely. It made me more imaginative if anything.
Yep. You learn to do your own thing and not be (too) dependent on others.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:25
ladymoanalot
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Yep. You learn to do your own thing and not be (too) dependent on others.
All my childhood friends had siblings and I just always saw them arguing, fighting and the getting told off. I was glad I had none of that

Being with friends was like having the good aspects of siblings and none of the bad!
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:29
IzzyS
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Exactly the same here. First comes the marriage question, then the one about children. And, as the woman, I am always the one who gets asked.

The "why" question is an awkward one, because no matter what you say, it seems that they're not going to like the answer. One time this woman just kept on pressuring me. Mentions of the ticking body clock, how much joy they give, asking if I am scared of giving birth, how your life is not complete without children... and then the suggestion that it is selfish not to want any, and unnatural!

Some people seem to feel that you're not a real woman if you don't have children. A couple informed me that cats are not a replacement. I know that. I don't treat them as kids. My cats are my cats.

There are definitely some rude people out there...
I think I've heard that too, that your selfish if you don't have kids. I don't really understand why its selfish if you decide that you don't want to risk bringing someone into the world who you may not be able to bring up properly or cope with - surely thats more selfish or wrong?. Heck knows you hear of some awful parenting stories, people jailed for neglecting their kids and people say they clearly couldn't cope and should never have been parents, yet if you dont have any then your tutted at? that seems strange. Thats not to say I'd ever do anything bad to a child, never, I'd seek help if there was any chance of that, of course. Its more the opposite for me, I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to be a good enough mother for the child and they'd resent me for it. Mind you I've barely had any relationships, so it'd be such a major pipe dream even if I did think I wanted any... eh.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:34
Kittiara
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All my childhood friends had siblings and I just always saw them arguing, fighting and the getting told off. I was glad I had none of that

Being with friends was like having the good aspects of siblings and none of the bad!
I agree! I do have a sister, but there is a 15-year age gap between us, so we avoided all that fighting and arguing. And she had a baby last December, which took the pressure away from me slightly, as my mom wanted to become a grandmother .

So, sisters can be handy. I moved out of the parental home at 19, though, and it's like my sister and I were both only children.

Never did us any harm. I loved to read and write (still do) and I quite enjoy my own company. And if I wanted to be around others, I had my friends.
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Old 07-05-2013, 19:37
IzzyS
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I was never lonely. It made me more imaginative if anything.

I was never spoilt though.
I'm just being honest but I'm not convinced having a sibling would have greatly changed how I am, if that makes sense, so I hope it doesn't guilt them that I said that(?). I am who I am regardless...if anything, if I had a sibling then I'd probably dream of having more space and not being bugged by another boy or girl I imagine lol.

I used to daydream alot, people complained my head was in the clouds too much
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