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Worst Facebook status updates (Part 2)
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bbclassics
03-03-2014
Someone wrote (along the lines of): If I put my hands in my pants and then touch my face will I get genital warts on my face? Or Face aids?

Why are these people on my 'friends' list? No wonder I rarely go on the site
cutekitty7686
03-03-2014
Sadly a woman aged 30 died suddenly over the weekend and has left behind 4 young children which is very sad but it has highlighted something I hate !

Attention seeker " OMG ABs devastated why her ? life isn't fair ya goin 2b missed hun can't stop crying "

People of course asking what's wrong and what's happened , she answered she had heard about the girl passing away then when asked did she know her attention seeker said no she didn't know her but was sure she would know someone who would know the girl ! Someone pointed out the wording of the status did seem like she knew the girl and a bit attention seeking and her response was "I cant help if I love2much "
Tt88
04-03-2014
One of the larger ladies on my friend list put one of those inspirational picture things. The wording is the typical "real men like curvy women" type thing (not those exact words but same meaning) with a cartoon of a woman. She has huge breasts, a tiny waist, and wide hips.

Its basically an exaggerated hourglass figure. All the comments on it are crazy! There are loads of larger women posting how true it is and how they would rather be themselves like that and not skinny. Then on the flipside there are people commenting how the cartoon is being taken the wrong way. Its meant to be some kind of assurance that larger women are more beautiful but the picture has a skinny face and waist, with just the breasts being big. None of the women idolising it actually look like that!

Eta just seen the best reply to it a guy posted a picture which has a topless bloke on the left with a huge beer belly and man boobs with the caption underneath "sexy" and on the right has a picture of a topless bloke with an 8 pack and lots of arm muscles. Underneath him it says "not sexy". The main caption at the bottom reads "real men have curves too".

At least the guys tongue in cheek one is funny.
Alan1981
05-03-2014
A few people on my facebook wall are trying to flog some xft fuel additive that's supposed to make you do 500mpg,reduce emissions and prolong engine life. Made from a secret formula by the nazis to help win the war apparently, and for only £500 I could be selling this stuff and be making £30k a year
Tt88
06-03-2014
A nomination for fb mother of the year award

"Is putting this new craze of rasperry ketone and toxi flush to the test!"

Cue loads of whats that hun posts followed by these replies

Friend 1. "Id steer clear of it. Its not been tested on humans yet just rats

Friend 2. "I tried it and it made me really ill, had to go into hospital"

Friend 3. "Let us no how it goes, i wanna lose weight too"

Original poster "6 days on i feel great. Bloatedness has gone and ive lost 4lbs. Feel like i have more energy and sleep better. Only downside is a bit of constipation"

Friend 4. "What is this?"

Posters teenage daughter "dieting pills. How much are they i wanna give them a go"

Daughter again "thanks mum, just ordered them, cant wait!"

Omg is this for real? Mum tries a new, quite dangerous sounding diet tablet and then has no problem letting her 17 year old daughter order some! She has been told it hasnt been trialed on humans, nobody has heard of it, and the only person she knows who has ended up in hospital because of it!
MissPinotGrigio
08-03-2014
Oh, god, I'm depressed. How on earth do I know chavs like this?

Quote:
“Just heard the worst news ever, some people probably don't agree with my sisters choice to have another baby but then again it's none of your Fukin business.. But to get your boyfriends friend to accidentally on purpose punch my sister in the stomach is out of this world.. Now she's getting stomach cramps!! I swear to Fukin god if she's lost this baby I will smash your Fukin fuked up face in!! Get ready you little sket”

And guess what? Some sane posters have suggested for her to call the police, get the police involved. No, no need to sort the police out, even though her pregnant sister has been punched in the stomach. "Ill deel with her masen".

*shakes head*
captainkremmen
08-03-2014
My news feed is full of screen caps from that damn guess the emoji game. Bloody annoying.
Jason100
08-03-2014
**** **** ****** Is happy with her new phone, it does everything!
chandlerp
10-03-2014
A while back I posted that my cousin in Australia had announced on Facebook that she had cancer. She went into remission and a few weeks back announced it had returned.

Last night she posted on Facebook, "Sometimes the news is just too terrible to bear."

Cue lots of concerned posts asking if she was OK etc. Maybe she'd been given an awful timeline for her illness etc.

Anyway, she left us all hanging on for around twelve hours before posting to say her cat was sick and may need to be put down. ****'s sake.
paperplanes_
10-03-2014
Wan 2 buk holidayz wit bf but wow will ah sign on?
Bermondseybrick
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by paperplanes_:
“Wan 2 buk holidayz wit bf but wow will ah sign on?”

luckily im fluent in chavinese

"I would like to book a holiday with my significant other but what shall I do about my commitment to the job centre and going to sign my name so I may be in receipt of job seekers allowance "

is the rough translation
starsailor
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by Bermondseybrick:
“luckily im fluent in chavinese

"I would like to book a holiday with my significant other but what shall I do about my commitment to the job centre and going to sign my name so I may be in receipt of job seekers allowance "

is the rough translation”

So, she's on job seekers, but wants to go on holiday....

Not doing the image of people on benefits any good there...
Bermondseybrick
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by starsailor:
“So, she's on job seekers, but wants to go on holiday....

Not doing the image of people on benefits any good there...”

I think ill demand a refund from the chavinese instructor then
starsailor
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by Bermondseybrick:
“I think ill demand a refund from the chavinese instructor then ”

No..i think you're spot on..
Will_Bennetts
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by starsailor:
“So, she's on job seekers, but wants to go on holiday....

Not doing the image of people on benefits any good there...”

So people on job seekers and other benefits shouldn't enjoy themselves ? ,,,,, ok
starsailor
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by Will_Bennetts:
“So people on job seekers and other benefits shouldn't enjoy themselves ? ,,,,, ok”

Yeah, because 'enjoying yourself' and 'going on holiday' are clearly exactly the same things aren't they....
bookaddict
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by paperplanes_:
“Wan 2 buk holidayz wit bf but wow will ah sign on?”

How does she ever manage to sign on, when she clearly struggles to write anything?
ecckles
10-03-2014
Originally Posted by mrsmoose:
“From "Jans still dead"...

"weighed myself on my friends scales and i may of lost half a pound "”

Look in your other pocket, you may have put your 50p in that one..
MissPinotGrigio
10-03-2014
A flood of posts today speculating that the Malaysian missing plane is an alien abduction......... oh jesus kill me now.
chandlerp
11-03-2014
Genius
kupo_nut
11-03-2014
Originally Posted by Rednell:
“I have one who alternates between posting what she considers inspirational, empowering, spiritual pictures (several an hour) and full blown, one sided rants to whoever has upset her this time, but isn't on her facebook and therefore can't see it.

"If you can not face your own. Truth. Please. Don't connect with me because I live by the truth I face me"

Just when I was musing whether I should unfollow her, I got a text from a mutual friend who isn't that familiar with facebook asking what he could do to stop being inundated with all these pictures.”

God bless those who bombard facebook with passive aggressive statuses!

Might be the same person I know
paperplanes_
11-03-2014
"Ah gunna b a mummi agen!!!!!!"


She's 18 and on her second baby...she doesn't know "hundri peacen da fyrs bb's dado" but "dis one iz deffo ma rabbies bb"
Bermondseybrick
11-03-2014
Originally Posted by paperplanes_:
“"Ah gunna b a mummi agen!!!!!!"


She's 18 and on her second baby...she doesn't know "hundri peacen da fyrs bb's dado" but "dis one iz deffo ma rabbies bb"”

BIB..nope

I . Don't. Even.............
Tt88
11-03-2014
Originally Posted by Bermondseybrick:
“BIB..nope

I . Don't. Even.............”

Shes not 100% sure that fyrs (?) is the babys father but is sure rabbie (?) is the father of this one.

I think?
MissPinotGrigio
11-03-2014
Originally Posted by paperplanes_:
“"Ah gunna b a mummi agen!!!!!!"


She's 18 and on her second baby...she doesn't know "hundri peacen da fyrs bb's dado" but "dis one iz deffo ma rabbies bb"”

The baby has rabies? Jeez.







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