Uuugh

Vomits a little in my mouth

Brilliant! BIB-*snort*

Love this thread! You are all so witty

New this week in the children's toy depth...

JAKE- IN-A-BOXX

This entertaining toy consists of the most boring beige (with a hint of ginger) plain wooden box.
But wind it up and it plays some bouncy mambo/salsa mix up and...
PING!
Out pops a spring loaded Jake to wobble, spin and gyrate for your enjoyment.

As the toy winds down, just before it stops, it makes a dramatic sound...

DOOF DOOF, DOOF DOOFA DOOF DOOF.

We would like to apologise to customers who have already purchased the ANTØN-JUDI. The JUDI portion seems to have developed a plank-like effect and is unable to be moved around your lounge without being firmly attached to the ANTØN. Any attempt to separate them is likely to lead to the JUDI wobbling uncontrollably before becoming stuck in its original position.

PRODUCT DEFECT

Customers in possession of the latest version of the WALLAS will unfortunately have discovered a hitherto unforeseen tendency for the top to gravitate towards any semi-liquid substance and tip forward into it. This appears to be due to a fault with the magnetic mechanism in the circuit-board located just behind the two flashing light bulbs behind the fascia.

We appreciate that this defect necessitates repeated cleaning of the top of the WALLAS and please be assured that we are working on a permanent solution to this problem. A fix is indeed imminent which will be by way of a re-tune which customers can easily carry out themselves with a basic screwdriver and tuning-fork.

The previous problem with the faulty structure around the bottom of the WALLAS has now been rectified by means of an elaborate inner elasticated pouch which has contained the vital parts securely.

It is also recommended that when separated the ANTØN is placed away from the JUDI porton as it has developed a worrying habit of collapsing forward, ending up with the top section lodged in the lower drawer section of tHe JUDI.

This has distressed several of our customers.

For camping trips, the BAKSHÅL outdoor dining set is a rugged go-anywhere essential. The feet are well-rooted giving the tables and chairs a rigidity you would not expect of a fully-foldable unit. Unlike cheaper alternatives, no MDF is used in this set, which is made of stripped-down sustainable hardwood. Guaranteed to raise a smile.


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Customer reviews (1)
I.B. Watford. A great companion on holiday. I've seen sights I would never have expected to see seated at my BAKSHÅL.

Please note that happy customers have discovered that the BAKSHAL also doubles as a handy perch or stand for many types of animal or bird, both wild and domestic. Furthermore it has recently been treated with creosote to enable it to blend in with its surroundings.

Customer Reviews (2):

I have found the BAKSHAL invaluable as a fixture to hang from during exercise.

Ms. P. Monkey

PLEASE PLEASE under no circumstances purchase the JMURI. Its been such a disappointment. Despite it being a lightweight slim piece, constructed from red Scots pine, it is almost impossible to move, indeed it took four of us to force it into a corner on Saturday night, slightly injuring old Harrys hip. Cold to the touch it fails to perform the most basic of tasks and its moving parts require regular oiling. Surprising really as the newer members of this range have proved very flexible. We've decided to lean it against our old NTON, for now, but I don't think this is a longterm solution. Money back please.

For one weekend only!
Give your garden a makeover with new turf for your lawn at 50% off from our OZMUND range.
Look in store for SODOFFDONNI

LOLZ etc etc

The Pjxi and Trɛːnt Christmas tree decorations are new for Dec 2014 .


Please be aware they must be kept away from lighting candles as plastic is highly flammable

We have been alerted to some issues regarding our popular product THM which sold very well at the start of the season. It appears that some of the gloss is coming off the THM and it appears...well...rather dull, even when paired with the stunning IVETTAR piece. It is recommended that owners do not expect too much of the THM and merely purchase it for its decorative functions. Asking too much of it may cause the varnish to wear prematurely.

NB: the tendency for the upper third section to sag open can be easily rectified by removing the hat decoration.

It has been brought to our attention that part of our Irish JNNFR set has a tendency to burst into song at inopportune moments and that this may affect the performance. More worrying is that the companion piece TRSTN has begun to display attempts at well known ÄBÄ karaoke tunes.

Love it!

Other purchasers of this piece have reported similar problems but (strangely) only when music is played in its vicinity. Have you tried turning your ipod/stereo off? Reports are that the JMURI, whilst not quite as flexible/accommodating as the AMURI and the J2MURI is still in remarkable shape for a piece of its vintage. However, as soon as any form of melody is within hearing distance, it collapses.

Strictly IKEA would like to apologise to customers for any inconvenience due to the disappointing performance of the JFGMK2. Customers have expressed particular dissatisfaction with the sound quality of the JFGMK2. It appears the due to the general popularity of the initial KFGMK1, the JFGMK2 was issued without sufficient product testing.

Customer review(1)
I purchased a KEVNFROMGRIMZBI last year and was very happy with it, so I was delighted to see the introduction of the JWANN from the same range and purchased a unit immediately. However, I am returning it for a refund as it seems to have come from the children's range as it emits a high pitched squeaking noise when placed next to the SCØTT.

Dear Customer

With reference to the JWANN we would be very grateful if you could return your JWANN to the store for product testing as soon as possible. Here at IKEA we have found the whole batch to be fauly emitting high pitched noises at all times , where as yours only emits such a noise when in the vicinity of SCOTT. It seems your product may be useful to correct the whole range.

The range was designed to appeal to an adult market but so far we have found that it only appeals to girls under the age of 6. Especially if those girls have dreams of being Disney princesses. Since IKEA does not have a product licence with Disney we are struggling to see how we can continue this range beyond the end of this year.

Yours

Head of product testing IKEA

The IKEA Head Office have been forced to ask customers to stop returning their newly purchased SODOFFDONNI turf. Our warehouses in the returns department simply cannot cope with the volume of disgruntled customers. Instead, we are issuing all those who purchased the item with a refund, discontinuing the item immediately and advising all who still possess a SODOFFDONNI to dispose of it any way they can (as long as no children or animals are harmed in the process).

Customer response:
YEAH BABY!

FOR SALE - 1 X PLOTT, only 4 weeks old and still in its original packaging, I liked it initially, but I've gone off it now. It tends to overpower the rest of the décor in the room and visitors find it a tad pretentious.
Any reasonable offer accepted, or would accept an exchange for a SNETRA, a vastly undervalued model, that's growing on me all the time.