Would you accept a SNETRA / BRENDN combo?
You can have mine if you can chuck a CHINGYNFFF in with the PLOTT

That would depend if your BRENDN is an original version, the loud almost arrogant piece, made from immature New Zealand deadwood, or the updated smoother model, constructed from seasoned South Island Blackbutt. Alas I don't have a CHINGYNFFF to hand but I could throw in a slightly scuffed ROBINSOR which is just lying around doing nothing at the moment. As for the damage I'm sure a good French polisher could bring this chap back to life.

Product update:

The PLOTT has developed a leak in the upper regions. We don't know why either.

Oh my god I am crying so hard with this thread - brilliant! Just brilliant!!!

It has come to our notice that the SCÖT has developed a tendency to turn round periodically to no purpose and with no improvement to the efficiency of the piece. We hope that a permanent solution to this mechanical failure will soon be found.

Product update
The WEBBE inaction figure is now available with Cor Blimey trousers

We're proud to announce some improvements to our ANTØN-JUDI model. This model now comes in a convertible indoor game form, the bowl-a-matic. Please see the following link for the original prototype. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=laTF2vxsnnk

The ANTØN has to be detached from the JUDI porton first in order to convert it into the bowling machine. The JUDI then rolls up into a bowling ball.

Note that CRAYGE, DARCEE, LENN and BROONO pins are available as extra options.

Repair update:

It has been noted in the repair shop this if you ignore this, it stops with no further repair needed.

It has been decided that this model is not up to our usual standard and will, therefore, be withdrawn in the very near future. I trust that those customers who purchased the defective item will return them to us for disposal without delay.

ATTENTION:
Some customers have complained regarding the VIKKIGUILLS model....this model has been working for awhile now and we have had no major problems before (aside of the here and there hiccups) but this year seems to be crashing continuously

it seems that there piece that controls the matching of colors to produce the end product is broken and just applies them randomly. There seems to be also a lack of quality control as week after week there is a problem with the finished goods being not fit for purpose

If the problems persist we might take a survey amongst our customers to decide what actions to take further ....

Sadly I have to report that after years of use and full reliability, my KRIANOFF has developed a fault with its legs which will no longer open. The concealed button which when pressed normally opens the legs with a smooth gliding action seems to have seized up totally. Thank God I had only just removed my tired old CALZAG which had lay in there for a couple of years. The application of SWEB grease is not freeing the mechanism at all but I'm hoping to get a hold of some THOMOIL which might do the trick. I'll keep you posted.

Try pairing your KRIANOFF with any of the following items...

LUVV
MARRAJ
WEDDYNRYNG

Hope this helps

Reports that the legs of the KRIANOFF will spring open immediately if tempted with the GLYTTRBLL have proved to be nothing more than vicious, unsubstantiated rumours. Stalwart fans of the KRIANOFF will be used to this.

Now available!

The TIMWANNABUYONE? Spanish ice cream tricycle cart, ideal companion toy for your,

TIMWANNABEAMATADOR play figure!

We need to inform customers that the covers for our brand new RIYTT range of sofas do not fit the classic KOHL model of sofa. Although customers have reported the RIYTT covers appear to fit the KOHL sofas once tugged vigorously into place we need to point out they are prone to splitting under heavy usage. We recommend that any customer happy with their RIYTT cover on a KOHL sofa refrains from bouncing on their KOHL. For all other customers we will be happy to exchange returned RIYTT covers for KOHLs or for our discontinued RYLI range of covers (guaranteed to fit all IKEA sofas, only hot pink and tangerine stocks left in our warehouses).

We are pleased to report that the fault recently reported concerning the SWEB mechanism slowing right down to a virtual standstill has now been rectified. The model has now been reprogrammed resulting in a most pleasing reactivated performance.

The PIXLOTT and TRENT dolls have been recalled . The PIXLOTT has developed a leak from the eyes and the TRENT dolls painted on smile has been found to occasionally droop.

We are getting most favourable reports about our PIXLOT automaton. This popular robot is so life-like that we are told it is sometimes mistaken for a real person.

BREAKTHROUGH - The KRIANOFF has been repaired. A quick call to the HelpCentre and a service engineer appeared this afternoon. After about a dozen hearty thumps with a mallet the legs of the KRIANOFF sprang open with their well known high pitched squeal. Over a cup of tea the engineer described the awful day he'd been having, what with leaking PLOTTs, stiff JMURIs and distressed SCOTs along with irate customers. I reassured him, "Don't listen to them, you came out, you gave it some wellie, go on my son - great job" He's on his way to a broken TIMNAT as we speak.

However, it should be noted the TIMNAT has been tipped as a antique of the future so may be worth keeping as a conversation piece even if no longer fit for purpose.

Anyone purchased the CLIFTON recently? It comes in pink and blue versions but both are very loud pieces of furniture, with a striking 'look at me' style. The pink version of the. CLIFTON comes with various lacy covers that could be considered inappropriate for the living area, while the blue CLIFTON has been known to exuberantly fling it's doors wide at every opportunity.
Unusually for IKEA, both pieces are made in the UK.
The blue CLIFTON has a known issue of splitting drawers while the pink CLIFTON is far less popular than the blue version, despite a complete makeover in the last few years,

For a trial period, there will also be a pink CLIFTON manufactured for the children's market. This miniature piece incorporates a Girl's World and comes complete with a Disney Princess collection (please note; we have received reports that Belle appears to be pre loved and will be replaced on request).

A new problem has been reported with the BRNDN. It has been manufactured with wood from older trees. The wood is starting to bulge and the drawers are splitting.

Funniest thread ever.

Me too. I can't believe I've only started reading this thread, it's hilarious.

Might I suggest that some of you take a look at www.ikeahackers.net for inspiration as well? Can't wait to read how the JMURI, the SCÖT and especially the KRIANOFF might be modified for other purposes.......