I want to further add a complaint about the JWANN - it has a tendency to bleat loudly whenever a camera is in its immediate location. Suggest its volume is modified in recognition of the new in-built microphone attachment,
The Strictly Come Dancing / Ikea catalogue
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New to our Kitchen Range is the AAAAANSLY cordless blender.
This high powered blender - styled like a wind-up toy - just needs the slightest touch and will rapidly produce an unrecognisable blend of anything and everything you throw at it. Be aware though, that it is prone to shake itself so much that it may fall off the worktop.
This high powered blender - styled like a wind-up toy - just needs the slightest touch and will rapidly produce an unrecognisable blend of anything and everything you throw at it. Be aware though, that it is prone to shake itself so much that it may fall off the worktop.
Originally Posted by fatskia:
“New to our Kitchen Range is the AAAAANSLY cordless blender.
This high powered blender - styled like a wind-up toy - just needs the slightest touch and will rapidly produce an unrecognisable blend of anything and everything you throw at it. Be aware though, that it is prone to shake itself so much that it may fall off the worktop.”
“New to our Kitchen Range is the AAAAANSLY cordless blender.
This high powered blender - styled like a wind-up toy - just needs the slightest touch and will rapidly produce an unrecognisable blend of anything and everything you throw at it. Be aware though, that it is prone to shake itself so much that it may fall off the worktop.”
Quoted for truth!
In our Motoring, Seconds Out Department, The GO GO GO - a well built Sports Seat with one arm damaged. Suitable for speed work. Will have exceptional potential value after a professional repair is completed.
We would like to introduce the VIKIGIL, though it keeps trying to hide. This piece can produce frills, colour, sequins and glitter, though absolutely none will adhere to its surface. None at all. We suggest you present it as a table covered in a drab cloth in the centre of the room and let it produce a party all around itself.
Strictly IKEA wishes to apologise for an error in the catalogue's supplement ITTOO.
The garish RICHARNØLD showpiece item from the 2012 range was accidentally included and this will not happen again. We are looking at the ongoing problem of the JØCLIFTN appearing sporadically on the pages. This is causing a colour bleeding problem and we are discussing this with our printers.
It is hoped that customers are enjoying the double page IWAITE feature by way of compensation.
The garish RICHARNØLD showpiece item from the 2012 range was accidentally included and this will not happen again. We are looking at the ongoing problem of the JØCLIFTN appearing sporadically on the pages. This is causing a colour bleeding problem and we are discussing this with our printers.
It is hoped that customers are enjoying the double page IWAITE feature by way of compensation.
Strictly IKEA wish to apologise for the sudden malfunction of the BROOS, We are assured by quality control that this is a one off incident and product recall is not necessary, we advise customers to simply re position the BROOS in the upright position for continued enjoyment of the product.
The VIKIGIL talking clothes rack is malfunctioning when placed in high stress places with bright lights . It gets over heated and over excited and can be prone to giggling . Our recommendation is to mute the talk function and enjoy the hanging clothes if affected
We're pleased to announce that the JOOGES model is back for another season despite mixed reviews from our customers. Some people have commented that they would like to see a more Hardy version of this model. However we have tried to tune the LENN and CRAYG elements in current model so that they are more harmonious, and to produce finer detail into the LENN model by adjusting its dial from the UCAYMOWTHEAR to the FUTWERK setting, although some customers have suggested this might be just a temporary fix.
Originally Posted by Ann_Dancer:
“We're pleased to announce that the JOOGES model is back for another season despite mixed reviews from our customers. Some people have commented that they would like to see a more Hardy version of this model. However we have tried to tune the LENN and CRAYG elements in current model so that they are more harmonious, and to produce finer detail into the LENN model by adjusting its dial from the UCAYMOWTHEAR to the FUTWERK setting, although some customers have suggested this might be just a temporary fix.”
“We're pleased to announce that the JOOGES model is back for another season despite mixed reviews from our customers. Some people have commented that they would like to see a more Hardy version of this model. However we have tried to tune the LENN and CRAYG elements in current model so that they are more harmonious, and to produce finer detail into the LENN model by adjusting its dial from the UCAYMOWTHEAR to the FUTWERK setting, although some customers have suggested this might be just a temporary fix.”
Hi, I'm wondering what I can do when the LENN dial is fixed in the HÈLLIID position?
Originally Posted by Nina_Blake:
“Hi, I'm wondering what I can do when the LENN dial is fixed in the HÈLLIID position?”
“Hi, I'm wondering what I can do when the LENN dial is fixed in the HÈLLIID position?”
I'm afraid you have to turn its volume down since LENN will not quieten down (unless you distract it with a pretty smile and long legs). Similar adjustments need to need to be made to the CRAYG when the TEKNIQ dial gets stuck in the THUMS position.
Last edited by Ann_Dancer : 09-10-2015 at 11:21
Originally Posted by Ann_Dancer:
“We're pleased to announce that the JOOGES model is back for another season despite mixed reviews from our customers. Some people have commented that they would like to see a more Hardy version of this model. However we have tried to tune the LENN and CRAYG elements in current model so that they are more harmonious, and to produce finer detail into the LENN model by adjusting its dial from the UCAYMOWTHEAR to the FUTWERK setting, although some customers have suggested this might be just a temporary fix.”
“We're pleased to announce that the JOOGES model is back for another season despite mixed reviews from our customers. Some people have commented that they would like to see a more Hardy version of this model. However we have tried to tune the LENN and CRAYG elements in current model so that they are more harmonious, and to produce finer detail into the LENN model by adjusting its dial from the UCAYMOWTHEAR to the FUTWERK setting, although some customers have suggested this might be just a temporary fix.”
**IMPORTANT SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT**
One piece of the JOOGES set is experiencing some stability issues. The BROONO is a fine, vintage piece styled in Italian mahogany, but please be aware that if placing the BROONO on a chair, it is wise to strap it in place as it has a tendency to topple off of seating on at least an annual basis.
In our Collectors Department we introduce a refurbished teddybear. The JAAAAAAAY has been trimmed and dressed in a neat suit - making him very much a Toy boy.
Now restored to full working action (although a slight trembling may be felt when cuddling him), this is one teddybear we think lots of you would want to take home.
Now restored to full working action (although a slight trembling may be felt when cuddling him), this is one teddybear we think lots of you would want to take home.
Originally Posted by fatskia:
“In our Collectors Department we introduce a refurbished teddybear. The JAAAAAAAY has been trimmed and dressed in a neat suit - making him very much a Toy boy.
Now restored to full working action (although a slight trembling may be felt when cuddling him), this is one teddybear we think lots of you would want to take home.”
“In our Collectors Department we introduce a refurbished teddybear. The JAAAAAAAY has been trimmed and dressed in a neat suit - making him very much a Toy boy.
Now restored to full working action (although a slight trembling may be felt when cuddling him), this is one teddybear we think lots of you would want to take home.”
I want one !!!!!!
PRODUCT RECALL
Customers who have purchased the DRSY may wish to apply for a refund as this model has proved surplus to requirements in that it duplicates the functions of the other JOOGES in the set. This model also has a tendency to overheat on occasion, emitting a long drawling "Welllllllllllllllll!" sound, although this is always accompanied by an automatic cooling function in the form of a self-fanning device.
Customers who have purchased the DRSY may wish to apply for a refund as this model has proved surplus to requirements in that it duplicates the functions of the other JOOGES in the set. This model also has a tendency to overheat on occasion, emitting a long drawling "Welllllllllllllllll!" sound, although this is always accompanied by an automatic cooling function in the form of a self-fanning device.
We apologise for the apparent misrepresentation of one of out most wanted items in our new catalogue - the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ spin dryer. This seemingly innocuous looking, high functioning item has provoked extreme reaction from some customers who have discovered that it has been cobbled together from parts from a turbo hand dryer, a Firbimatic dry cleaning machine and an industrial strength extractor fan - all parts that are no stranger to the drying process.
Quite why this revelation should have provoked such consternation is still a bit of a mystery as the product remains an unobjectionable looking, phenomenally high performing appliance. However, further research has unearthed that those objecting to the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ often tend to be big fans of the JURNÏCØNTSTÅNT range, despite the fact that items from this range tend to perform sporadically. That is, they are great dealing with a suit or formal dress but function far less well when given a lace mantilla or vice versa.
That said, we do not wish it thought that we do not take any customer complaints seriously and anyone initially disappointed with the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ can have their appliance replaced by one from this year's JURNÏCØNTSTÅNT range.
We recommend the RÅÅNÏ which has so far shown commendable versatility. Just don't blame us if you try to dry your Samba dress in it and all the feathers come off and jam the mechanism.
Quite why this revelation should have provoked such consternation is still a bit of a mystery as the product remains an unobjectionable looking, phenomenally high performing appliance. However, further research has unearthed that those objecting to the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ often tend to be big fans of the JURNÏCØNTSTÅNT range, despite the fact that items from this range tend to perform sporadically. That is, they are great dealing with a suit or formal dress but function far less well when given a lace mantilla or vice versa.
That said, we do not wish it thought that we do not take any customer complaints seriously and anyone initially disappointed with the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ can have their appliance replaced by one from this year's JURNÏCØNTSTÅNT range.
We recommend the RÅÅNÏ which has so far shown commendable versatility. Just don't blame us if you try to dry your Samba dress in it and all the feathers come off and jam the mechanism.
Introducing our new home appliance - The GLYB.
It's a fully functioning robot vacuum cleaner that can actually climb OVER furniture and not just bang into it. It does however, bang into it too, so every corner of the room is covered.
Some customers have found it a little disturbing to watch. We suggest just closing the door and letting the GLYB get on with it.
Warning, do not leave pets in the room at the same time as the GLYB is functioning, it has been known to drag them about a bit.
It's a fully functioning robot vacuum cleaner that can actually climb OVER furniture and not just bang into it. It does however, bang into it too, so every corner of the room is covered.
Some customers have found it a little disturbing to watch. We suggest just closing the door and letting the GLYB get on with it.
Warning, do not leave pets in the room at the same time as the GLYB is functioning, it has been known to drag them about a bit.
We should like to announce a product recall notice for the KAYTEE freestanding cha cha cha unit.
Unfortunately it has got a bit too freestanding for its own good, largely owing to the concurrent malfunction of the ANTON companion unit which has already been recalled several times to no avail and remains stubbornly in operation. We take no further responsibility for the consequences of failure of these units prior to their eventual recall.
Unfortunately it has got a bit too freestanding for its own good, largely owing to the concurrent malfunction of the ANTON companion unit which has already been recalled several times to no avail and remains stubbornly in operation. We take no further responsibility for the consequences of failure of these units prior to their eventual recall.
Originally Posted by perdiedumpling:
“Do you miss the VNCENT? We do too! That's why we have commisioned the PERNCHE. The PERNCHE is taller, with a darker colour finish on top. Otherwise, we are determined that you will see there are no differences, or at least there won't be unless the microchip malfunctions.”
“Do you miss the VNCENT? We do too! That's why we have commisioned the PERNCHE. The PERNCHE is taller, with a darker colour finish on top. Otherwise, we are determined that you will see there are no differences, or at least there won't be unless the microchip malfunctions.”
Originally Posted by aggs:
“Please note: customers have noted that moving the PERNCHE causes a fine film of water to spring out all over the surface. Our technicians are looking into this, but advise covering the unit with a towel before moving as a temporary measure.”
“Please note: customers have noted that moving the PERNCHE causes a fine film of water to spring out all over the surface. Our technicians are looking into this, but advise covering the unit with a towel before moving as a temporary measure.”
*Strictly IKEA Internal Memo - Employees only*
Complaints about PERNCHE have risen as it's becoming more and more evident that the moist problems arising every Saturday Night are caused by pairing the PERNICE with our new addition FÜÜTE. Apparently combining the two in an intimate setting causes the PERNCHE to produce excessive water on it's surface. Our technicians are inspecting the entire production line to rule out malfunction caused by production. In the meanwhile we advise you to gently dissuade customers form buying the PERNCHE and FÜÜTE together even though they are pictured together in our new catalogue. Until further notice we will no longer advertise the two in unison and will try and find a solution for this malfunction. When confronted with a complaint, please offer the customer a complimentary box of NÜTHNTØSæHÖR cleaning products.
Originally Posted by perdiedumpling:
“Introducing to the UK, the GLEB! This attractive mannequin has already known popularity in the US, Australia and Russia. When you play music, we are sure everyone (well, the ladies, right?) will be charmed to see it move in an eye-catching manner. To stop, place a mirror in the vicinity.”
“Introducing to the UK, the GLEB! This attractive mannequin has already known popularity in the US, Australia and Russia. When you play music, we are sure everyone (well, the ladies, right?) will be charmed to see it move in an eye-catching manner. To stop, place a mirror in the vicinity.”
Please be aware that the GLEB! does tend to lose its outer covering on occasion. This function does reveal a shiny, smooth underlayer which has been fully waxed. To complement this, we have altered the facial features of the mannequin so that the jawline is equally smooth.
There are some concerns that this smoothness extends everywhere. We are unable to comment at this point. It is not intended that lower coverings will detach themselves, however we cannot guarantee this.
We have had some issues reported from customers operating the DÏRTÏ WRÏNGÅ at speed. we will look into these as soon as possible.
Please note - this was not intended to be a deliberate feature of this item.
Please note - this was not intended to be a deliberate feature of this item.
Owing to the spontaneous return to functionality of the KAYTEE and ANTON units we should like to recall the recall, for the time being at least. Although we woukd advise co-location be maintained as opposed to separate operation.
Product recall: IKEA regrets to inform you that the refurbished BRNDAN sound system is suffering from a malfunction and needs to be recalled immediately due to its random output.
The BRNDAN replaced the KOHL which was deemed to be stuck in the eighties but the BRNDAN now seems past its sell by date and poses a fire risk when used in conjunction with the KRSTY sound unit which will self combust. Unplug both units as they are clearly incompatible.
The BRNDAN replaced the KOHL which was deemed to be stuck in the eighties but the BRNDAN now seems past its sell by date and poses a fire risk when used in conjunction with the KRSTY sound unit which will self combust. Unplug both units as they are clearly incompatible.
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