Customer service announcement..

If any of your SCD IKEA items of furniture are wobbly, please purchase some JUDJES glue.
Guaranteed to fix anything

I have purchased this item and it does indeed fix the most difficult of pieces. However, I have noticed a strong smell of bullshit on application. Is this usual?

I have been informed by the management that the addition of EAU DE MANURE is a necessity with this product in order for it to be effective.

Genius

Customers have noted that the application of some LËNN pickled walnut juice can reduce the foul stench somewhat.

If the above fixative doesn't work, we have a new line of RIGGNG which will stabilise any rockiness.

The JAMEELYA range is no longer on offer.

There have been complaints for several weeks that the JAMEELYA range was too weak for the competition.

However, on final testing the JAMEELYA range was found to have character under pressure.

The JAYLI-BEBE range had been tested on occasion before and was found to have character under pressure too.

It is hoped the TRISTÅN range will be on offer again next year as customer feedback has shown it to be entertaining on ITT. It is hoped some will still be available this year so we can expect the unexpected.

IKEA have had customer enquiries about the TRISTAN range having a RINGAH next year.

Dear IKEA

I noticed that the TRISTÅN doll was dramatically featured on a recent Saturday night light entertainment show.
Could you please confirm that this doll is available to purchase separately from the JAMEELYA model because of a JUDJES fixing malfunction.

P.S. I would also like to enquire about the availability of a fireman's uniform as an accessory for the TRISTÅN.

The Strictly Come Dancing IKEA is pleased to announce a new product for Christmas 2015.

For the man who has everything — even a man with a failed pop career, a hideous permatan, personalised egg sandwiches for lunch, or an inconvenient ruling by a High Court judge — we have the perfect Christmas gift: an attractive JÄMMYLËÄ ÅIR-QØTES gadget.

The finely crafted JÄMMYLËÄ ÅIR-QØTES cuts through all the annoying waffle the special man in your life might be subject to, and tells it like it is.

The honesty of this product is ideal for those who are jaded and tired of the same old trite rhetoric dished out by the powers that be. Just deploy the JÄMMYLËÄ ÅIR-QØTES and watch with satisfaction as those around you marvel at its refreshing honesty.

Love it! You are all so clever at making these posts. I tried a while back but it was like a lead balloon!

Me too!

We are receiving reports that the JÄY has a slight malfunction in that it suffers from footinmouth-itis. To rectify this, place it alongside the Äliönå model where it will be subjected to a knee slap and it will behave once more.

Alternatively, remove its legs and place it back in the original packaging. Then give it a good kick. This should sort it out.

N.B. Those who purchased their JÄY at any of our Nottingham branches are unlikely to have noticed any problems.

dear customer services, i would like to return this packet of JÅYLI - BÉBÉs from your confectionary range.

There is only one big fat one in the packet, who appears to have eaten all the others, except for a few stray, truncated jelly limbs loose in the bag.

Incidentally, the packet also appears to have been kicked down the street although that could have been the standard amazon delivery method,

Dear Sir,
We apologise that your JAYLI-BEBE appears to have been kicked down the road by our delivery person.

We have sent out a replacement via Yodel. You should find your item in about three weeks time, hidden behind your bins, covered in dog wee. Hopefully this will make the JAYLI-BEBE more palatable.

Wonder if IKEA will give him a RINGAH attachment next year.

Hope rumours of the TRISTAN model only being available in Australia are untrue.

Never thought I'd see the IKEA thread turn nasty. What a shame.

Yes leave that for other treads

I'm with you there. I'm gutted. The one place where wit was king.

Ah well, I tried my best.

Oh, I wasn't talking about your post! (just in case you're thinking I was - I hope you cannot have misunderstood me like that).

Low on Stock: Get your brand new WAZROBBED while stocks last.

This particular product range is ignored for most of the year but often sees a sudden spike in popularity around November and December and this year is no exception.

Our latest addition to our range, the JAMEELYAWAZROBBED, will fit perfectly alongside old favourites like the PIXXIEWAZROBBED, the GEATHINWAZROBBED (our Welsh edition of the item) and the original product - the OSTINWAZROBBED.


In unfortunate news, due to unforseen circumstances, the only item we are currently able to fix is the PANDRE.

I am afraid this is a misprint. The original product was, of course, the CØLLNWASROBBED but this went out of stock several years ago. Customers can, however, still purchase the DÅRNGØFF wardrobe from the same catalogue. There are masses of these left.

Oh, I don't think this was nastily meant! Isn't hidden behind the bin covered in dog wee standard courier service?

Unfortunately the CØLLNWOSROBBED range being withdrawn, shortly followed by the removal of the ØSTINWOSROBBED range, caused the permanent withdrawal of the associated ERINWOSROBBED range the following year.

However IKEA is pleased to announce the ERINWOSROBBED is available for viewing for a very short period only. It is associated with the AMERIKAN JAMNA of the KATI-ANTON.