Thankyou customer service. I'm told the SPRTSMÅN range is out of stock at the moment. I think I will have to try the PURF-4-MANS code instead.

Lack of demand has meant we have had to remove the HELAN unit. This has also meant a postponement of the GORGYAWAZROBBED.

We are now unsure whether this item will now be sold to the public - especially given past additions to our range like the PIXXIEWAZROBBED caused much upset amongst customers.

We are pleased to however announce the launch of the UMMPAPPAR - Ikea's first ever Cockney-inspired design from the OLYVR range. Warning: Boy may be for sale with some items.

As a result of the HELAN discontinuation the ALYASH will be sidelined, though hopefully this will be temporary. ALYASH will return to its place alongside JRNET which was sidelined last week, in our archives for the time being.

I ordered a GORGYAWAZROBBED but when it arrived and I opened the package, it just contained a teapot, candlestick and other tableware along with a note apologising for the item's temporary unavailability. I'm a little disappointed to say the least. The teapot is way too clunky to fit on my kitchen shelf although I have managed to find a place for it in front of the JOODGES item that I purchased a few years ago.

We are pleased to herald a new item to be introduced next week, the GLBSLSÅ.

This will be a flashy, attention catching piece, guaranteed to provoke discussion among family and friends. However, you may find it tricky getting all four feet to touch the floor.

Dear Customer,

We apologise for the fact the item was unavailable and that the replacement items from the BEOURGUEST range were not to your liking.
Please feel free to exchange these for any item from the GASTON range or its Russian equivalent, the GLB range.

Dear Ikea,
I'm thinking of purchasing this item but have heard that an upgrade - the GLBSHWDANCE - may be on sale the week after and that it may well be a trendsetting piece of furniture which has intrigued me.
Are these reports accurate?

Also, can you confirm whether the ANEETA come with the GLBSLSÅ?

The ANEETA is an integral part of the GLBSLSÅ. This is the component that may have foot trouble.

As for the GLBSHWDANCE - there are plans for this item should demand arise. We are quite confident but as yet, nothing has been confirmed. You will just have to wait. We are not entirely sure that the ANEETA will be integral to this piece either. It will be included, but what effect it will have on the look of the whole item is yet to be decided.

Customer query-
I have pre-ordered some high gloss wooden flooring from your SLSA range, which goes on sale next week.
However I already have an ANEETA chair. The feet on this item are of rather poor quality and I am worried that they might damage my new SLSA floor.
Have you any suggestions?

IKEA reply.-
Please find enclosed some GLB floor protectors. These slip under the feet of your ANEETA chair ensuring that they cannot touch the floor, thus keeping your SLSA floor perfect.

We apologise to any customers disappointed with their weekend purchase of the KKVWLTZ musical box. We are afraid that this item was listed incorrectly in the catalogue.

It was described as an elegant piece with a subtle, lilting melody, encrusted with Swarovski crystals. It seems that the designers had second thoughts at the eleventh hour and it turned out to be a somewhat vulgar item in gaudy colours that played three bars of oom pah music, a raucous catchphrase of "Get Ahhta Ma Pab!" and then erupted into a continuous shriek.

We understand that some customers are more than content with their purchase, actually preferring the new design to the original, advertised one. However, for anyone still not happy, please feel free to return your piece and we will, of course, reimburse you fully. As compensation, we would also like you to accept a complimentary box of JORGÅDIZNY fondant creams (not suitable for diabetics).

Customer service notice. The following item is no longer available -

GLB

This item was extremely popular initially due to its smooth streamlined appearance and novelty value. However sales have declined rapidly, with customers complaining of its tendency to perform random unexpected movements - for example, when in SLSA mode it was reported to suddenly lurch onto the DSCO or SHWDNCE settings without warning.

We have trialed the GLB in other parts of the world previously, with similar results. Therefore we are unable to confirm that GLB will be in next year's catalogue. We apologise for any disappointment caused and would like to offer the ALEEEAZXJZ as a more reliable alternative for those that like this sort of thing.

Query to customer support:

I have been told that the GLB model is actually the previous ARTM with a very light respray - is this the case?

please note, as from next year the LENSEVN has to be ordered with the YACAMAAT unit

The CRÅGTËN appears to have been lost in the IKEA Supply Chain.

Our Customer Service Section based in ÏTT is checking the supply chain. Any sightings, please use the ZØËBLL system to inform IKEA.

It is hoped the CRÅGTËN will appear in the FÏNL but this is PÔÏNTLËSS, as by then it will be useless.

Customers have reported that the CRÅGTËN should have been used in Week 3 alongside the JÅYJĪVE as it has been reliably reported that the CRÅGTËN is used when the PËN is put down and the item just watched. Although the JÅYJĪVE met the criteria, the CRÅGTEN was unusable that Week.

Other customers have suggested a CRÅGTËN should have been used in Week 8 alongside the GRGÏÄCHRLTØN and again in Week 10 alongside the HËLÄNWÀLZ, but there is debate about this.

If the JÅYLÏFT had gone better in the JÅYCHRLTØN the CRÅGTËN may have been found.

IKEA will discuss this until the KØWS come home.

Dear IKEA,

I hope to see the GLB return in the autumn catalogue next year. While I appreciate it was often an item that split opinion and I at first regretted the purchase, I quickly found it to be an inspired decision and a truly eyecatching piece of furniture that got people talking.

The TNGO and BPOOLPASO editions of the GLB were particular highlights.
I would eagerly have bought the GLBSHWDANCE too if the launch had not been shelved.

I found the best position for the product was by a mirror.

I hope too that the ŎTEA makes a return next year.

Yours,
Loyal Customer.

Dear Loyal customer
We are hoping to restock the OTEA unit next year.
We have had some complaints that the amazingly long legs on the OTEA makes it unsuitable for small cottages and rooms with low ceilings

Reply From Customer Support

Our ARTM has indeed been superseded by the GLB as it was felt that customers would prefer a darker veneer on the body, a brighter white on the fascia strip and an oilier sheen. Be assured that the chest model opens even faster and the legs function equally efficiently either vertically, horizontally or split apart.

Customer Announcement -

We apologise to all those who purchased the product advertised as the ANEETÅGLBSLSÅ over the weekend. Apparently, when opened, the box was found to contain a few sequins and a pair of wedgie trainers. We are still not quite sure how this happened.

We will get around to reimbursing all dissatisfied customers in due course but there is a heavy volume of return traffic. Please bear with us and accept a GLB mug in the meantime (fill it with hot liquid and its shirt falls off).

Customer Notice

In our last full week of Christmas trading, we are currently seeing high demand for both the JPET and JRINGAH items. We advise customers to order early to avoid disappointment.

We are also set to launch a new product later this week - the KKSHWDNCE. The design has not been finalised for this but we expect a loud design similar to the KKSMBA and KKCHRLTON. This will take a prominent position on our shelves in Christmas week.

The KANTONSHWDNCE will also be launched - we are currently deciding whether it will be part of the DUBEKK or DULATT range.
Early reviews have been positive with one customer going "Ha ha, Marvellous".

Strictly IKEA is pleased to announce the release of our GLÍTTA-BÅLL decorative piece as a seasonal special for this weekend only.

The GLÍTTA-BÅLL boasts modern styling and is sure to add that extra sparkle to your favourite IKEA item.

The GLÍTTA-BÅLL would particularly complement any of the following popular items from our range:

The KÅNTØN: a classical piece with slimline legs and vintage charm
The KÉLLÍ-KVIN: a modern and flamboyant model that brings exuberance to any room
The GÉÉ-GIØ: an Italian-inspired item with excellent versatility and eye-catching lines
The JÅYLIØNÅ: an understated design with wide appeal that oozes contemporary class

Classy .

Thanks!

May the best ma ... err, person win!

What an absolutely wonderful post. Nicely done DieseDays. Cant wait for tonight!

New to our WUZROBBED range!

The GEEGEE WUZROBBED compact bathroom units.
The GEEGEE JORJA shower unit will emit copious amounts of water from the top of the unit only.
The GEEGEE GIO jacuzzi will emit water in all directions from all over the unit.


Also available is the KAYKAY WUZROBBED range of laundry equipment.
Use your KAYKAY KEVN to hoist your bag of laundry up to the ceiling, toss it around a bit to remove creases, then tumble dry at HIGH setting.
The KAYKAY KELLI washing machine is a top of the range model with 10 program settings but works most efficiently when set to Eleven.
The KELLI is endorsed by the World Wildlife Fund as being Dolphin friendly as it emits sounds only they can hear and understand
All KAYKAY items come with a free kitchen sink

Plans for the KANTON WUZROBBED cocktail cabinet have been shelved due to stability issues.