Customer Advisory Warning

Customers browsing the TWOTTER catalogue for outfits for our ØLA poseable figurine are advised that the NAKKID swimsuit and MÏLKEE-MØØ range are constructed from smaller pieces of material than the CATSOOT.

Marketing agent JÖRDAN KNÖB is reassuring customers over and over and over and over again that the ØLA range is still desirable and can be purchased via clickbait at a computer near you.

CHRISTMAS SUPPLEMENT

For the festive season, we have produced the SWÏCHEROO. This is a fun item which will alter the positions of the units in your collection.

Use this on the CLÅNCEY to disengage it from the ALIJAZZ UNIT (remember to switch off the GAPPIN function first) and watch it glide across to the KØLE while the SNWDEN moves across to the PSHA unit (staff in the warehouse have found it amusing to leave the SNWDEN covered with the BÅKOFOIL throw while it moves across).

Attaching the CHÅMBRS to the ØTEA instead of the CMILÅ should increase the stability of this item as the ØTEA does not have the VIBRØNCKRS function.

Adding the JWÅNN to the HÅRRIJDD will provide an interesting contrast to the RLEØNA, adding some traditional sparkle whilst maintaining the high technical functionality.

Switching the FNNITY for the HMMØND on the WNDSØR unit will see little change, however.

Dear Customer Services

I am concerned that your festive SWÏCHEROO may not be such a fun item if it comes ready-packed with your recent PICKY-JØØGES attachment.

Can you guarantee that the SWÏCHEROO will be compatible with the CRÅGTËN and not just the LENNTEN, DÅRCYTEN and BRNØTEN modules?

As part of the SWITCHEROO, the HAMMND will have the ALLJAZZ support removed, and ALLTHATJAZZHANDS shelving added

We have been in touch with our Research and Development Team and they tell us while the PICKY-JØØGES attachment does have a tendency to reset to GRNCH, extensive testing shows application of the HEGGNØG or even SHERÏ lubrication means all the TEN sections are compatible with the items in the festive range.

(NB the Research and. development office is now closed until the New Year)

Due to customer demand, Strictly IKEA is pleased to announce the launch of our new MÅRDÏ-CÅRDÏ.

Customers who have previously enjoyed the PÅSH-MÏNÅ for flouncing can now choose the MÅRDÏ-CÅRDÏ as an accessory for those occasions when a moody moment suddenly strikes.

The MÅRDÏ-CÅRDÏ is a suitable companion for many products, including the entire WUZZROBBED range, our BLÏDDY-TËËPØT kitchenware and the PICKY-JØØGES attachment.

SCD IKEA is pleased to announce the release some previously unavailable items as part of our end of season sale.

ÅÅÅW-TÅ-TÅ
This compact unit is perfect for displaying photos and mementoes. Customer reviews indicate that it combines well with our JJ-SÅLSÅMBÅ, DØØBLGG, HËLÏJÅZ, FRÅNKNKËV, and KØMEDÏ-ÅYNS modules, and lends a hint of nostalgia to any decor.

DÜØ-PLÅZ
This theatrical piece has six handy compartments for storing pottery items or trophies. It is suitable for matching with our GLÏTÅ range, and the BØLERØ special attachment can be removed for a more dramatic effect.

TØP-DÅWG
This award-winning model has been a customer favourite in SCD IKEA headquarters and in the majority of showrooms around the country. It is a well-proportioned piece with 24 interlocking display compartments and can be attached to the JÅLÏØNÅ for maximum effect, with or without interchangeable WÏGGS in a variety of colours.

Customers should note that the SCD IKEA design team will be unavailable for comment until the autumn, when a full catalogue of new products will be launched.

The SCD IKEA catalogue will make a brief re-appearance for Spört Rëlïef on 18 - 20 Mars 2016.

Some of the items in last year's catalogue will temporarily be in the SPRTSMÅN range.

It is not clear yet if the JÅLÏONA unit will work as a pair, or there may be some availabilty of the separate RLËÖNA unit and separate JÅÅY unit - unusually in competition.

The KËVÏN will be involved with FÖTBÅLL, but there will not be a KËLLIË attachment, or the TÜR replacement FRÀNKÏE unit.

It is rumoured the ÅNËËTA unit may appear.

I have just starting re-reading this thread and I'm already in stitches laughing, there are some very clever people on here

SCD IKEA is pleased to announce the imminent launch of our new protective cover, the TÏYTËË WHÏYTËË, which is already on display in our US stores.

Customers who are worried about depreciation of their favourite IKEA unit can protect it with a TÏYTËË WHÏYTËË and ensure it retains its resale value.

The TÏYTËË WHÏYTËË is particularly suitable for the BRÜNØØ base module and we can guarantee a very snug fit over its most delicate parts.

Customers can also help to increase the resale value of their BRÜNØØ by maintaining a high gloss finish, preferably using our MÅHØGNËË wax.

SCD IKEA wishes to confirm the forthcoming release of a limited edition JÅLÏØNÅ unit with both TØP-DÅWG and GLÏTTA BALL attachments. The unit is designed to operate in JVË mode and also comes with a removable JÅÅY teddy bear, complete with brand new BÏÏGG accessories, including a giant piano keyboard.

There is some concern that operating the JÅLÏØNÅ unit in JVË may cause the NU KØNTËSTÅNT range, due out before 3rd September, to default to the HØWTHËHLLDØ-ÏMÅCHTHÅT mode. To combat this, a MÅSSÏV ËGØ remedial programme is being prepared for use with the PRØ SCHMØØZ restoration kit.

Meanwhile, do not be surprised if the JÅLÏØNÅ unit completes JVË mode with a DBL-VV sign in front of the JOODGES range.

Brilliant, really made me laugh

Just need to be careful that the MÅSSÏV ËGØ does not get transplanted onto the KRG JOODGES unit. The resultant collision with existing ËGØ could cause unstoppable chain reaction and overload of the unit.

Several customers have contacted us to request the MÅSSÏV ËGØ remedial programme for application to the JÅÅY teddy bear.

The JÅÅY teddy bear is completely lacking in ËGØ functionality and is unable to accept the MÅSSÏV ËGØ fix. Customers can be assured that the bear's integral HÜJ TÅLNT component ensures satisfaction.

Customers are respectfully advised not to attempt to use the GÜRN-FÅYCE attachment with the JÅÅY bear as this is known to cause the TWÏNKLY TØS functionality to stutter and there is a fear that the bear could enter RÜN4THEHÏLS mode.

Love this, Quite made my day. Jan Bx.

**** Emergency Product Recall ****

Customers are asked to return items from the KÅYKÅY WUZROBBED range of laundry equipment to their nearest IKEA store as soon as possible. Due to the omission of the essential SÜTTL TÏ safety mechanism from the design, these items routinely default to the GØRBLIMÏY setting with accompanying ÜMPÅÅPÅ sound effects and flashing NÏKKÅs. Some purchasers have been extremely traumatised by this.

It is also impossible to detach the GÜRN-FÅYCE attachment.

These items will not be redesigned due to dramatically reduced interest.

Please note: the LENJØØGE unit seems very attached to the KÅYKÅY WUZROBBED piece. If you own both, please do not attempt to seperate them, just return both units, as we do not want a repeat of the mess that occurred on trying to disengage the LENJØØGE from the BAYKOFL SNØDN unit. Our storemen tell tall tales that on finals night you can still hear the ghostly creaks of bestdancertoneverhavewon echoing warehouse.

Some exciting news for shoppers who are disappointed to hear of the re-LAUNCH of last year's most popular item; we are re-packaging this item as part of a new MPRORORZNÖÖCLÖZ range.

This range takes those items that have previously gone down a storm with the majority of customers and specifically re-design them so that the glitz and charisma of the original item is deliberately toned down. This gives purchasers a chance to show the product to erstwhile enthusiasts and demonstrate that actually there was nothing really special about it at all.

Items in this range include -
the LWSSLSÅ, the CLÅNCIWLTZ and the FLCKSLSÅ - and to be honest, these items do seem to have a je ne sais quois after demonstration. In fact the odd one fits right in! However, we need to warn purchasers that the latest item in the range will almost certainly defy re-packaging, stampede around the floor, wreck your living room and sh*g your granny. You have been warned.

The GEEGEE WUZROBBED compact bathroom units remain popular and will remain on sale throughout the summer. Some customers have requested a DÏÅMND RNG accessory and are keen for this to be made available before the release of the NU KØNTËSTÅNT range. Our developers, however, were unable to provide any assurance if or when such an item may be produced.

We regret to announce the final retirement of the GLB range. The last few items in stock will be on sale this week through our MÅSTRCHËFF partner. Lucky purchasers will also receive an undressed crab, a pot of salsa and a blank 2017 calendar.

We have received a number of complaints about the JOODGES range, with some customers suggesting that these items are no longer fit for purpose.

In September we will be relaunching all of the current items from the JOODGES range.
The following modifications have been made:

The SPCSÆVR bolt-on will replace the RØÅZ-TNTD SPEX component in all JOODGES units. This malfunctioned periodically on the 2015 models, notably when used in close proximity to the PEEDÜR JVE and the KAYKAY FNL TÅNGØ. Subsequent under use of BØØT functionality and over-deployment of the TËNN waggle stick caused considerable dissatisfaction amongst purchasers.

The BRÜNØØ base module has been updated using the NØBÅLS programming language. As well as improving the module’s general coherence, we hope it will eradicate bouncing and stability issues most noticeable in 2015 when the JÅÅY teddy bear hit mach speed in TWÏNKLY TØS mode.

The CRÆG-DÅHLNG unit has had a complete GÜRN-FÅYCElift but despite the addition of integral TËNN waggle sticks and a GÜD TÅSTE implant, developers fear that success of the upgrade is entirely dependent on the over-performance level of the NU KØNTËSTÅNT range.

The DRCY’s anti-virus software has been upgraded to include protection against LENNCRÆG GRNCH and WK3 NØTËNN.

The LENN item has proved difficult to modify due to the age of the design. The NØLFTS and FÜTWRK components have been slightly altered in an attempt to eradicate the GRNCH bug. We are not confident this will succeed.

Purchasers should note that no guarantees will be provided with these models. Complaints should be directed to TuffNutts at BeeBeeSee.comm

SCD IKEA regrets to announce the discontinuation of our LËNN base unit after our Autumn 2016 sales campaign.

Once a popular item in our range, particularly when attached to the SËVVRN embellishment, the design team realises that the LËNN has reached the end of its shelf life in the UK market. A fix for the ÐØÐGËË-NËË failed to rectify the GRÜMP-McGRÜMPFÆCE problem reported by many customers. Sadly, the LËNN will no longer be part of the JÖÖGES ensemble in 2017.

Customers who still value the merits of the LËNN are advised to browse our 2017 overseas catalogue, although premium prices apply.

The design team is pondering a number of options to replace the LËNN.

Customers who already own a BRÆNDÅN unit are advised that if the RLEONA range is promoted as a replacement for the LËNN, they will be issued with free STRØPP and GRØVVL attachments.
This will ensure that the BRÆNDÅN retains full functionality if faced with unlicensed and/or misadvertised promotional billing for the JÖÖGES ensemble.

Loving all the posts - very very clever

To make room for our new range, we are having a stock clearance. Now is the time to purchase those units you craved but were too expensive.

First to make way for a new model is the TRSTÅN. Made from Irish hardwood, finshined with complimentary Boulle work, the unit had attracted a following from its time in our American catalogue and it was hoped to replicate that here. Unfortunately, the Unit did not seem to travel well. The Production staff are unsure if this is because the unit was under utilised or because the unit seemed to prefer lounging around at the back of the warehouse, taking advantage of the rather outmoded ashtray function.

However, in view of its popularity it is hoped to feature the TRSTÅN in the ITT pamphlet where it will slot into the CULDNTGIVAMONKHEES range.

Our repair workshop also hope that separating the TRSTÅN from the KØLE unit will solve a problem they have had for the last 2 years, whereby whatever repairs are undertaken the KØLE immediately reverts back to FONINITIN mode.

(Customers may be interested to know that the FONINITIN mode is also to undergo an overhaul this series. Due to the retirement of the OLAJRDNN piece, it is hoped that PIVIT, NEESLDE and STRFYSH settings will revert back to normal use).

Priceless. Janx