"FONINITIN" - *snigger*

Customers who are disappointed when their KØLE unit reverts to FONINITIN mode can try using the trademarked THÏSS-GRRL™ flannel.

As with any flannel, the success of THÏSS-GRRL™ deployment depends entirely on the effort applied.
SCD IKEA can therefore accept no responsibility if repeated THÏSS-GRRL™ flannelling fails to kickstart the KØLE unit from FONINITIN mode.

Our Research and Development team have noticed that muttering 'I'm34Brendan' and playing a soft rock classic when using the THÏSS-GRRL can be helpful in temporarily deactivating the FONINITIN mode. Having the Dirty Dancing soundtrack playing can extend this further although this is an extreme measure and needs to be undertaken with caution. We accept no responsibility if jacket sleeves refuse to roll down after use.

Before attempting to reset a KØLE unit from FONINITIN mode, customers should be aware that in the highly unlikely event that the unit switches to FLÜRTY-FLÜRT mode, SCD IKEA cannot guarantee that terminal KERPLÜNSKYÏTÏS will not occur.

FOR THE NEW SEASON

Have you ever been frustrated by a friend or acquaintance seeing your new purchase of a stylish time from our range and then rushing out to copy you? Be frustrated no more! After literally minutes of working with our Soft Furnishings Department we have the solution. New to the range is the LØUEŻE, a tasteless throw of gold brocade finished with a fringing of multi coloured door curtain tasselling. Placing this item over any item immediately renders it significantly less desirable (our Soft Furnishings Department tell us they have performed extensive testing and it works particularly well on any item in the JUSS JELLUS range) and gives it the appearance of a prop in a 1970's sitcom. No longer will you the envy of your friends!

NB: there is no need to send the dimensions of the item you wish to cover when purchasing. The item comes in one size and is guaranteed to fit absolutely nothing at all.

SCD IKEA is pleased to announce the launch of our new DÖÖZY soft furnishings range.

Our first offering in the DÖÖZY range comes in a scarlet palette with sheer panels to reveal the underlying lines of the unit on which it is draped. Coverage is minimal and allows the base unit to be clearly seen from all possible angles.

Matching curtains and carpets may be revealed later in our autumn marketing campaign.

A new addition to the PUR-LUEEZE range is the PUR-LUEEZE duvet cover.
Beautifully embellished with rhinestones, this bed linen solves the problem of Scandanavian and UK beds and duvet being different sizes, as it fits neither.

It has come to our attention that the GÜNZ and PËX embellishments launched for our Autumn 2016 range can cause the TÆSSY base unit to emit a high-pitched shrieking.

Owners can rectify this problem by matching their TÆSSY unit with our new BÄLLSÜP module, which is not compatible with the GÜNZ and PËX.

Our creative (using the term loosely) section presents the new Two and a Half Shades of JÖRDNZ paintbox.

Colours on offer include Smut and Smuttier, Thick and Thicker, Gob and Gobbier and Tart and Tarter.

All colours are completely in your face with no nuance whatsoever.

No brushes are included, just a shovel and a huge palette knife.

Comes with free whip and bottle of bitter lemon.

Review:

1/5

I'm really disappointed. There are strange holes in the bottoms of both boxes, and when you mix the colours you end up with an unpleasant stain

We would also like to apologise for the poor quality of the instruction manual. It seems this has been undertaken by the designers of the JÖRDANZ and independently produced by VNÏTY publications.

As a temporary measure, it is advised to use a LGE PĪNCUH OV SÅLT, from the BÏLLYBLLSHØINE BUSTIN range when reading the manual.

A spokesperson for JÖRDANZ hit twitter to deny claims their work is of doubtful quality: 'All our products come #FACTpacked'

The holes in the bottom(s) are where the instructions for this item come from. This product features "oral" directions and involves putting one's ear close to the hole in order to hear "tips" and "encouragement".

If the purchaser can manage to do this without vomiting or curling up into a little ball in the corner of their room rocking and sobbing, they will hear such gems as "Just slap it on", "Spread it thickly", "The more the better" and "The wetter the better".
The instruction "Don't mix. Whatever you do, don't mix" will also feature as the colours in this box are definitely designed to stand on their own feet without being diluted, blended or otherwise "ponced around with".

By the way, you may find that the instructions are interspersed with such interjections as "I AM the bloody Brad Pitt of dance. I AM!", "Get yer kit off", and "Effing Cliftons".
This is perfectly normal.

We have decided not to stock the ØLABÅK as it may be used as a weapon against many other items of furnature including.

*His and Her's CLIFTÖN range. The JWÆN range seems OK.
*DRNKCRÆG range. RDMST may fall upon it

BROOSEY may walk by all of the sudden while the JAMŻ range tries to enter the ØLA range of furnature if placed in a Dressing Room.

Customer Update

Customers disappointed with the fit of their TRØØWZ on any of their IKEA base units should note that any gapping or gaping is exactly as designed and is "the height of fashion" according to the SCD IKEA GÏGGLZ "design" team.

However, our LÖÖNGSÖX attatchment, availaible in a range of garish colours, can be applied to cover any gapping at the bottom of your TRØØWZ.

Customers should also note that gaping of your TRØØWZ provides a handy little niche for storing floral arrangements.

New for your Laundry Room, the DAAZI clothes horse, available only from our Primrose Hill branch.

The extra long limbs on this item means you can dry a full 6kg load at once.
Best suited for displaying designer items of clothing, you may find that High Street clothing will become crumpled and get chucked in the bin.
You can also use your DAAZI to dry out of doors. It may become unstable in any sort of breeze so should be supported with the ALLIASH prop.

Could the customer who requested a copy of the SCD IKEA instruction manual please return to the checkout, as we have located the document somewhere over the Rainbow.

Dear Customer Service
Thank you for providing me with a copy of the SCD IKEA instruction manual.
I was a little surprised that it seemed to have been scrawled on the back of a fag packet

Kind regards
Mel O

New for 2016: The DANYMC.
This item, originally produced in the Hollyoaks district of Cheshire, is a contemporary piece that shows huge potential and is forecast to be in high demand over the next few months. It has already drawn comparisons with our popular JPET item of last year.

We are yet to decide whether the DANYMC it will be a part of IKEA's RINGAH range or the more controversial DIRTIRINGAH range.

Note to customers: Please do not confuse with the similarly named DNNY product - which is a dated, loud 1980's American design that proved highly unpopular with customers even despite each DNNY coming with a free 'Yeah Baby'.


Dear Customer Service,
Mine appeared to be missing pages and there was much scribbling out on several of the remaining pages. Is this a common issue?

Dear Mel O
Thank you for your valuable feedback. That may explain why our SCD IKEA gophers located the aforementioned document in a cabinet filed under "B" for bollox in Bruno's dressing room over the Rainbow.

Safety Notice

A highly dangerous situation has come to the attention of the SCD IKEA management team.

Reports are circulating that some customers are actually wearing our HÏZZY-FÏTT accessories.

We would like to remind customers that the HÏZZY-FÏTT is designed for mounting on a PICKY-JØØGES or SÅSSËË-SLEB base unit for best effect, preferably in close proximity to a LÜK-ÅTT-MËË media storage unit.

Customers who insist on donning a HÏZZY-FÏTT, particularly owners of one of our SPEW-RËËUS LØDGIK oxymorons, may self-combust.

Product warning. Not suitable for use near children, as the toxic nature has been known to reduce IQ.

RŮTHEFUD
This impressive Tallboy was originally a Limited Edition as part of IKEA's Olympic range, but positive customer feedback has resulted in RŮTHEFUD becoming a permanent item in the catalogue.
The RŮTHEFUD Tallboy is made from durable redwood.
It has large feet which make the item easy to move round, and if a sandpit is nearby it is possible to move the RŮTHEFUD over 8 metres with a single push.
If you turn the RŮTHEFUD around, you will see that the back side is very large and provides lots of storage.

Improve your home with the BRÜNO revolving door.
In one smooth movement, you can be IN, OUT and back IN again before anyone notices