Love this!

For all your electrical appliances, try NODANSOV batteries.
They go on and on and on and on

Can't recommend. I fitted them but found they gave off a lot of fumes. Scary

My NODANSOV batteries are leaking acid, but they're still going on and on and on and on. Does the acid ever run out?

SCD Ikea wishes to announce the arrival of the first of this season’s ambitious and extensive range of decorative bells to complement the NU KØNTËSTÅNT models

First in the range is the RÏNGÅHDNGDNG DÅNÏ super bell, designed to sit on the DANYMC unit, alongside the latest Mills and Boon novella, a bottle of Old Spice and a well-worn picture of some bloke with his chest out, carrying a scythe. This bell benefits from MÜSÏCL THËÅTR embellishments, including the GÜRN-FÅYCE attachment and a brand new high speed clapper.

The second bell to be released will be the LOUËÅZE – a retro item supplied with a tasteful (*cough*) cover based on a woolly hat once worn by Benny from Crossroads.

NODANSOV batteries seem to have had little effect. They are now being replaced by NTHNG2CHERE batteries which, we are assured, are far more effective, particularly when enhanced by the CNNONFDDR powersurge.

As an alternative to NODANSOV or NTHNG2CHERE batteries, we are pleased to offer FTUPP. This range of batteries will provide hours of loud output and are compatible in any combination with the STUPP, FX, FDDL and CNSPRCY ranges.

We apologise for this and have sent you a complementary item from our 'LKE CLØKWRK' collection. Anytime you need to use NODANSOV just wind up the SNÖTFR and it will run for days.

We would like to apologise to those customers expecting to see the ØDØØM in the catalogue this week, but it has been withdrawn.
The ØDØØM and the new American FEISTI unit were being loaded into the van on the way to the DANSOF depot when the FEISTI unit wobbled, hit the ØDØØM unit and it fell out of the van and went under a bus.
The FEISTI is undergoing monitoring and since it is part of the THISGURL range it will be stabilised using the CØLE prop.
Mobility tests will continue with gyro checks this weekend.
Customers will be kept informed on testing of this unit but it continues to be in the catalogue.

IKEA would like to apologise to anyone who has an ØDØØM on order.
Customers will receive a full refund on their (free) online costs of order.
Please accept a complimentary packet of SNOTFAIR tissues .

Dear IKEA,
I have previously had issues with my HEDJDGELENN. Can you confirm if adding the new NODANSOV batteries fix these problems?

I do also wish to purchase the SNOTFAIR tissues. Do these come as part of the WUZROBBD range?

Dear Valued Customer

With regard to the compatibility of the NODANSOV batteries and the PICKY-JØØGES range, the only reports to date are that the BRÜNÖ may flip to NØNØNØ mode. This can be rectified by waving a rolled up banknote in close proximity to the BRÜNÖ to reset it to YÆSYÆSYÆS mode.


The WUZROBBD range is not expected to launch in our stores until later in the season.

However, SNOTFAIR tissues are available as an add-on to our DÅMPSKWIB base unit.

IKEA have had a number of customers enquiries and would like to remind customers that the DANYMC and JPETT products are sold separately.

Some customers seem to have got the impression that a JPETT must be purchased with every DANYMC. While both are part of our RINGAH range, they are entirely separate products.

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IKEA would also like to remind customers to keep custard pies away from our JØØGES table. Pies have been known to fall over the table and this will then require several minutes of cleaning up and much dismay.

Love this thread, some very clever folk on here

Customer review

I recently purchased a DÅNNIMÅC base unit and decided to display it with the CÅYP accessory. Unfortunately, the CÅYP seemed to bring the DÅNNIMÅC to its knees, and not in a good way. For this reason, I am deducting one star from my previous review of the DÅNNIMÅC.

Fraggers B. Beste

IKEA apologise that the ORE unit has been noted to develop a leak unexpectedly,

We are happy to announce that the leak has been fixed and we are confident that it was a due to random event and will not be repeated.

Last years leak from the JOEVARNEY unit has not been replicated this year so feel it was something to do with the MENURVVES unit.

Dear IKEA Customer service,
I purchased some meatBalls from your food section yesterday, and when I opened the package at home I was horrified to discover that they had turned green!
They also seemed to contain a lot of cheese as well.
I felt queasy just looking at them.
Please ensure that this never happens again.

Dear Ikea
What can I do? I have an ORE and TMEKA unit, but I cannot seem to stop the TMEKA from positioning itself in front of the ORE. This is particularly noticeable when visitors take notice of the ORE and want to look at it.

Reply:
Dear Customer
This is a habit we have noticed and are trying to rectify. In the meantime, we recommend making sure that a KÅMIRA from the HØG range is pointed at the TMEKA at all times as this does cut down mobility.

Dear Valued Customer

Thank you for purchasing the meatBalls from our BÅLLSÜP range, and for your valuable feedback.

Our chefs have assured us that future BÅLLSÜP products will definitely contain less meat and more Balls.

Further news -

It appears that the TMEKA was originally manufactured very close to last year's KÉLLÍ unit and has inadvertently been fitted with the same KMRÅHØG feature. We have tried removing said feature but the problem now seems to be intrinsic. It is possible that it is a general feature of the EESTNDRS range.

This is some accidentally added salsa verde. It had been purchased for our later Salsa release but was accidentally added in to the earlier Zambar edition. You could try frantically stirring the Ka-Tea-a ingredient around and around, in the hope that the greenness on the meatBalls will disappear, although in a recent test run this made no difference at all.

Infromation Update

The IKEA design team has investigated the ORE unit and can confirm that any leakage is due to the TØTES-EMØSH setting.
Further testing is required to determine whether the ORE can default to TØTES-EMØSH mode at the drop of a hat.

Menu Specials

Today in the SCD IKEA Restaurant we are pleased to offer two new accompaniments to spice up your dining pleasure.

The JÅI-NØT salsa has an 8-pepper rating and is a suitable partner for our PICKLDWALNÜTZ range.

The JÅI-HØT salsa has a 24-pepper rating. The JÅI-HØT may divide customer opinions on its authenticity, but is sure to raise the temperature.

The IKEA design team wishes to remind customers that it will be dropping one item from the catalogue in each week until December. The design team therefore advises customers to rank their orders carefully. No complaints will be accepted over the dropping from the catalogue of items not ordered in sufficient quantities.

Dear IKEA Customer service
I was insensed to discover you have discontinued the WILJUNG.
I ask, nay demand to know why.
I wanted a WILJUNG and nothing else will satisfy me.
Please explain.
Actually forget the please.
Just explain.

Yours sincerely
Aggrieved Customer