Health and Safety Warning

SCD IKEA HQ has been receiving anecdotal evidence that customers are trying to permanently attach their NÅSTÅYZÅ unit to a GØRKÅCØRKÅ base.

While we acknowledge that the result is aesthetically pleasing, we would remind customers that the NÅSTÅYZÅ is designed to fit the unique southern hemisphere styling of the BRINDIN.

Customers who attempt to permanently remove the NÅSTÅYZÅ from the BRINDIN could suffer lung damage due to release of noxious fumes, especially if the integrity of the rear-mounted shelf is compromised.

Dear customer,

We can clarify that booing at the LENN tends to result in it emitting a slight mutter before reverting to factory settings.

This can also occur when it expects a boo but none happens, the mutter is quieter at this point.

Dear IKEA
the CLOWDIAR cabinet recently purchased appears to be shrinking, at times it resembles the elegant piece I expected but placed in close proximity to the AJ, it vibrates in a frantic manner causing shrinkage at an alarming rate.
I have placed it next to the TOSS height adjustomatic but this is resulting in this unit and its companion unit the CLAWDIAR bending in a very inelegant manner.

I have tried compost for the CLOWDIER unit, what else can you suggest?

Dear valued customer,

May we recommend the addition of a GLITTRBOLL central feature in order to maintain an appropriate distance and reduce the direct comparison issues you are experiencing. Please note that the installation instructions clearly indicate the need to maintain the CLOWDIER unit at a high rotational speed for maximum impact with the AJ unit.

Top Tip! The addition of the PRÏCHRD mirror seems to distract the AJ, leaving it stationary allowing the CLOWDIAR time to recover. Placing the PRÏCHRD directly in front of the AJ seems to work best and gives hours of peace and quiet.

Seasonal Menu

The seasonal special in the SCD IKEA restaurant this weekend is our ever-popular BÅTTØTTÅHLL meatloaf.

This tasty 1970s classic has hints of cheese with a big finish and will tickle the palate of traditional diners stuck in a time warp.

Customers who purchase the BÅTTØTTÅHLL meatloaf for dining at home should note that this recipe can cause the BRINDIN unit to hit the highway like a battering ram due to ever-increasing oscillation of the rear-mounted display shelf.

I would not worry too much, it will be gone when the morning comes.

Customers who wish to complete a Sinner Before the Gates of Heaven application should form an orderly queue behind the young boy down in the gutter.
SCD IKEA cannot be held responsible for any foaming in the heat induced by the BÅTTØTTÅHLL meatloaf.

Everyone else is free to Keep Dancing Thru the night.

Dear IKEA Customer Service
My ORAY tumble dryer seems to have developed a fault.
Anything that goes anywhere near the ORAY seems to end up wetter than before.
Surely a tumble dryer is meant to dry things, not seep water all over them.
Please can I return my ORAY, and swap it for a KANTON rotary drier?

Dear Valued Customer

The SCD IKEA design team have informed us the the ORAY model was developed in accordance with the Previous Winner Characteristics checklist.

Unfortunately, we have observed that the TØTES-EMØSH function included on the ORAY is prone to premature ejection of the full water reservoir.

As the KANTON rotary dryer has been discontinued, we would advise you to remove your ORAY from the limelight and operate it in the absence of digital recording devices, which should reset the TØTES-EMØSH function to the OFF position.

Before you do anything drastic like changing your appliance, you may do well to see if it is fitted with the optional UMBLSNSRTY dial. There is currently beggar all we can do about this as it was fitted at source and set to irreversible maximum intensity. However, if you can hang on for a few weeks, the DNCOF button may be activated, causing the LMNTION function to kick in. Following this, an engineer will be able to replace the UMBLSNSRTY dial with a NOLNGRGVSASHT switch. Worst case scenario would mean thatyou have to wait until the GLTABLL is dispensed before we can perform this service.

Temporary Solution:
Moving the ORAY away from the JWNNCLFTN unit and placing it closer to the NGAMNCĖTEE unit can make it less liable to leak.

Warning: under no circumstances should the ORAY be placed anywhere the ZOBÅL attachment SPARKLEETISHYOUS. The Company is not liable for any increase in flood insurance in these circumstances.

We apologise to customers who bought the KÖLE accessory kit for the BRENDN and found the BTKAPE curtain did not, in fact, cover the drawer but enhanced it. We have had positive feedback on the HVËRBØRD as perfect for taking the strain out of repositioning the BRENDN although it does have a tendency to be a bit wayward when the SFTRAWK setting is on maximum.

NB: we would advise not using the KŌLE acessory kit if you still want to be able to display the ANSTAYSHA as it does tend to become invisible.

HEALTH AND SAFETY WARNING: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY

All customers who have bought this weeks special HÅLLØWEEN edition of the DÅNNY and ØTI FØXTRØT are advised to check for stray red packaging tape. Several complaints have been made that although the red tape causes the two items to stand very very close together, it may cause the DÅNNY part to wobble when moving this item across the floor.

Be well advised that the otherwise very stable and dependable DÅNNY has only had this problem in the special Halloween edition and SCD IKEA is investigating if it is indeed the red tape that is causing the problem. Customers are advised to remove the red tape when moving the two items across the floor.

Reports that it is caused by the ØTI's BÅTSHTKRÅZY and GLTTÅBÅL settings are completely unfounded. The HÅLLØWEEN edition of the ØTI isn't yet fitted with BÅTSHTKRÅZY and GLTTÅBÅL settings and SCD IKEA isn't commenting on the possibility of those features in the near future.

SCD IKEA Disclaimer

It has come to our attention that customers are stuffing their lollipops down the front drawers of the ØR��ÅY storage unit.

Customers should note the the front drawers of the ØR��ÅY are not designed for this purpose and we cannot guarantee that lollipops stored in this manner will retain their lickability.

In particular, customers may find that Rainbow lollipops have become tasteless and are only fit for garish displays reeking of artificial saccharine.

Dear Customer Service
I just wanted to make a quick enquiry about your returns policy.
Several years ago, one of my relatives - who clearly doesn't like me at all, bought me a KVNCLFTN, from your limited edition 1950s kitchenalia range.
Honestly, I've tried it in every room in the house, and I still have no idea what it's actually for. It only seems to have one setting - full blast. In desperation I wired it up to my old SOOSANNA, but all that happened was that it jumped across the floor and crashed into a wall. Furthermore, the decorative weasel fur trim is looking distinctly moth eaten and seems to occasionally detach itself from the main unit.
Any chance I can trade it in for one of your lovely, shiny new GORKACORKAs? I can definitely think of several uses for one of those, none of which are suitable for inclusion in a family catalogue.

Like many of your other customers, I too was delighted to discover that the GLB 2015 was indeed 100% waterproof, although I'm still having trouble working out how to keep its protective top covering in place.

Dear IKEA Customer Services
I am returning my HVËRBØRD which I purchased recently for an immediate refund. Unfortunately, it emitted such a volume of grey smoke covering the floor to a height of several feet, that we completely lost the cat. Had not an obliging neighbour with a leaf blower come to our aid, I dread to think what would have been the fate of the poor animal.

I think in future this product should come with a warning that it is not suitable for homes where there are small pets or young children.

Customers are reporting an unusual new facet of the popular BALLSUP unit. When in contact with the KTYA accessory, the BALLSUP emits loud bangs. Its wildly rotating arm is also causing concern. However, on the plus side, the BALLSUP has caused an interesting reaction in the CRG unit, causing it to shake. IKEA's engineers have identified this phenomenon as MIRTH and declared a serious malfunction.

Shamelessly inspired by a poster elsewhere (but can't think of the thread):

Do you struggle to hide your emotions? Are you being teased about your ready tears? Do you worry how your reaction to criticism may be interpreted?

SCD IKEA has the solution! Try our ORAY mask from the HOLLOWEN range. Carefully constructed using only the finest remains of some moth-eaten 70's carpets (lost in a warehouse for some years and only just rediscovered - vintage style at its finest!), this mask will conceal your every facial expression.

SCD IKEA is not responsible for how others may misconstrue your blinks.

Customer Announcement:

To those who are claiming that our all singing all dancing BLLS'N'WSTLS version of the LØØËËZZZZZ this weekend is actually no different from our standard version, we have this to say -

You are all completely wrong. The new, enhanced version has many, many added features from the MPRØRSNUCLØZ range. If you cannot see how very much better this souped up LØØËËZZZZZ is then there must be something wrong with your *taste/eyesight/sanity/compliance (delete as appropriate). We suggest you peruse page 12 of the HØLLØWEN catalogue where all the enhancements are listed in vague SHTSPËËK for the less discerning customer.

I wish to return my LENN DAHNSESTEP unit for its annual service as it appears to be malfunctioning again. I have used it fairly successfully this year to check that all my IKEA units have been correctly assembled with no missing parts and generally speaking it has been reliable. However this weekend, after successfully identifying a 3STP in the AJCLOWDIAFOX it then completely failed to detect that the NATNGRGROOMBA was missing vital parts and had been incorrectly assembled. I would have been quite happy that I had a complete NATNGRGROOMBA it hadn't been for my standby CRAYG DAHNSESTEP unit identifying the problem (which quite frankly I almost ignored, as being usually unreliable). Who knows what the consequences might have been? I could have been lumbered with an incorrectly assembled CNTEMPRYWHATSIT and that would have been a disaster. Furthermore I have heard a strange 'yercaymowt' noise emitting from the LENN DAHNSESTEP which is always a sign of major malfunction being imminent.

Dear Valued Customer

Have you checked your LENN DAHNSESTEP settings? It may be that you have inadvertently knocked the settings to SPRTSMAN. Also check the ROOMBA dial is set between BLØKE and ARÏFAYRÏ for optimum use.

Unfortunately, we can take no credit for the accuracy of the CRAYG DAHNSESTEP as in our R&D lab it proves very contrary, often being heard to squeak FÅBULUS at even the most CNTEMPRYWHATSIT. After discussion with our tech support, we can only assume the emergency BLUMOON setting had been deployed.

Thankyou IKEA. I'll test it out on my old LLYADRRNFOX unit to see if it has reverted to SPRTSMAN.