I know a couple who wanted to spice up their private life and the wife wanted to ❤❤
in a new Ikea bed.

The husband was agreeable, but didn't like the lights and the people walking by in the shop.

GLOTI-BAND
Get rid of those irritating gaps between sections of modular furniture by using a GLOTI-BAND.
Much more effective than using a length of microphone cable as used in the item WHENIWONWITHMARK.
If you want to place an ALLYASH next to... frankly anything, you need a GLOTI-BAND.
Available in red only

Just for Halloween:
Limited edition RŮTHEFUD.
Available for one week only in Silver Birch wood instead of Redwood.
The Silver Birch RŮTHEFUD comes with extra rigid immoveable hips

Please do not position your Silver Birch RŮTHEFUD anyhere near photograph display tables as it has a tendency to collapse on them

We would like to remind customers that the lifetime of the BRINDIN display cabinet can be prolonged by detaching it from all THS-GÜRLL accessories as early in the autumn season as possible.

A good flannelling will ensure that the BRINDIN maintains its faux-interest veneer.
Then place the BRINDIN in storage so that the rear-mounted shelf retains its exaggerated LÅTN lines.
The BRINDIN will be ready to attach to the new THS-GÜRLL model in the late summer season next year.

Customers are advised to have a SÅLZSELLÅR close to hand when reading reviews of the Silver Birch RŮTHEFUD in the downmarket ÅLWÅYZFÅILZ publication. One pinch may not be enough.

Dear IKEA Customer service
I purchased a white limited edition RUSLGRAANT sofa a few years ago and was assured that as a limited edition, this piece would appreciate in value and become a collector's item.
So I was a little annoyed to see in your most recent catalogue another white sofa listed as BALSCHACHA, which is a near replica of the RUSLGRAANT.
I feel by offering this BALSCHACHA you have devalued my RUSLGRAANT. It no longer has any value as a limited edition.

If you produce a red BALSSAMBA armchair, I may have to take legal action.

Dear Valued Customer

Our design team have assured us that while similar in overall appearance to the RUSLGRAANT, our new BALSCHACHA has finer detailing and is actually a whiter shade of pale.

We cannot confirm yet whether a BALSSAMBA armchair will be available as part of the BÅLLSÜP range or whether TRÜ-RED from our colur palette would indeed be suitable.

Fans of the BÅLLSÜP range can view the ÜDØNTØWNMEE advertising campaign before we launch the BÅLLSÜP WHIRLËË chair this weekend. The WHIRLËË is suitable for all SPØYLR play areas.

I am interested in the BÅLLSÜP WHIRLËË chair.
Should I phone your Help! line for further information?

Get your order in soon, as it will be going quickly.

Your call is important to us. Please hold until a customer service agent becomes available.

Dear IKEA Customer service
I bought a jar of BALS salsa from your cafe food kiosk.
When I opened it, it contained nothing but cheese.

Super Saturday
We are pleased to announce the launch of our limited edition BLCKPØØL series. Are you finding your standard items just a little lacklustre? The addition of one or more of the BKING DÅNCAH series will spice up your flagging RÏNDA. Feel that your EDBLLS has lost its bounce? Attach the HOÏST and be amazed!
Hurry now while stocks last.

Note to Customers:
Special BLCKPØØL options have also been added to the IKEA kitchen menu this weekend only.

Free candy floss and BLCKPØØLRCK will come with every order and customers will love the 'Rain-soaked Fish and Chips'.
CHEESEEBLLS are also on offer in both Peking and Gangnam Style.

Customers will also love our new drink from Australia - the JNGLE CØLA.
The JNGLE CØLA will hopefully have less of a bitter aftertaste than our previous British soft drink the JJ CØLA.

Unfortunately, the BRENDN HAMM and Meatloaf products which made an unexpected return recently after 8 years was withdrawn from our menu shortly before Halloween and will now be gone, gone, gone.

I recently ordered a NURDING but they seem to be sold out of them.

Maybe they'll get them back in again.

Hope springs eternal.

Notice to Customers:

IKEA unfortunately are currently having issues with items sold tonight in our PËRFËKTSCØRS range.
Errors previously confined to the dated American design the DNNYTEN seem to have spread to the DRCYTEN, LËNTEN and BRNØTEN.

We anticipate the issues are only temporary and will be resolved by next week.
Any customers who wish to return these products can exchange for a BKINGDNCR.

Please be aware that the BLCKPØØL additions can cause incompatibility with some of our earlier models. In particular, the LØØËËZZZZZ may become rather static in comparison to her partner piece, the KVNCLFTN. The KVNCLFTN, has a tendency to become overblown when placed in close proximity to BLCKPØØL and is often overly decorative in this location. Removing the GYLNR may help but cannot be guaranteed.

For one week only from our Blackpool store.
The ORAY washing machine with extended spin cycle

Customer service announcement
It has come to our attention that some customers are attempting to mount their ORAY washing machine on top of our best selling LACK table.
The LACK table is not designed for this purpose and may not be able to take the weight.
If the design of your kitchen means that your ORAY *must* be table-mounted, please use the undertable JWAANNE brace to reinforce the LACK table

Dear Customer Service Department

I have followed your PÅH!-SHØW design scheme as suggested and used the JWAANNE undertable brace as reinforcement for the LACK table during table-mounted operation of the ORAY.

Unfortunately, the JWAANNE is rather ungainly in appearance in this position, and I find myself exclaiming "Oh, Lorde" at regular intervals.

I would be grateful if the SCD IKEA design team could launch a gusset cover for the JWAANNE for customers who prefer less flashing and more elegance.

SCD Ikea has received an increasing number of complaints from customers about the entire 2016 range, which many people claim is overblown, overmarked, over hyped and, regrettably, overdone. Indeed, it seems that our developers have completely over-egged this year’s pudding.

Our Audit Department launched an investigation into the issue and our developers have revealed that they have lost the blueprints for our unique SÜTTL TÏ safety mechanism, which were last seen leaving our Elstree headquarters tucked inside last year’s GLÏTTA BALL.

Regrettably, the SCD Ikea Development Team has been unable to reproduce the SÜTTL TÏ safety mechanism, which proved so popular last year, and has been forced to introduce unique adaptations for each new unit, none of which has had the desired effect:

The LØØËËZZZZZ has been fitted with the all new BAWRÏNG extension, with the unfortunate result that the unit can now only be purchased in beige. Or taupe. If you’re lucky ...

The DANYMAC comes with MÜSÏCL THËÅTR embellishments and, whilst most customers admire the unit’s extraordinary functionality, many state that the resulting RÏNGÅHDNGDNG slickness is somewhat overblown. The unit also appears to be permanently stuck in top gear.

The ORAY and its partner unit, the JWNNCLFTN, are supplied with with a free PRPS BØX but routinely default into FÅFFNG ÅBÅHT mode, which no longer appears to trigger LENNCRÆG GRNCH in the PICKY JOODGES range.

The RÏNDA unit is fitted with a modified GÜRN-FÅYCE attachment but has been stuck in OTT GOLDFSH mode since the beginning of the season. This has triggered LENNCRÆG GRNCH at regular intervals.

The PTÏT CLOÜDËËÅ, with free ÅJÅÏ, has LODSÅLFTS ‘N’ TRÏX functionality but the deployment of this is erratic and has triggered the NØTËNN operation in the PICKY JOODGES range.

SCD Ikea would like to assure you all that your complaints are taken seriously and have been passed to our CØBBLÅS Department for a response. Meanwhile, our Audit Team is a following a lead to a downstairs lavatory in South West London in an attempt to track down the SÜTTL TÏ blueprints.

This is bloody hilarious

Confidential Report

To: The SCD IKEA Audit Department

Re: Search for the SÜTTL TÏ safety mechanism


A team of audit agents assigned to acquire evidence of the absence of any SÜTTL TÏ has secretly observed the BÅLLSÜP base unit in situ.

Agents have discovered plans to pair the BÅLLSÜP with the DÅYME-SHIRLËËË in a camply flamboyant Latin design.

This confirms that the BÅLLSÜP lacks the SÜTTL TÏ so popular with customers last year.

Despite its novelty value, we recommend that the BÅLLSÜP be withdrawn from SCD IKEA showrooms with immediate effect.

Agent D

Does this mean I won't get the anticipated BÅLLSÜP RØØMBÅ before Christmas?

Some customers have reported experiencing a technical glitch recently when their complementary KVNCLFTN and KRNCLFTN items were placed in close proximity to the GLDING audio unit. Despite reports of erratic malfunctioning, we’d like to reassure customers that we have checked the manual and this is entirely normal operating procedure for the CLFTN range.