We are pleased to announce an variation to the staple catalogue item, the KOHL.

After minutes of work, our designers have skilfully placed a stripe up each the legs to draw the eye. Prospective buyers should be aware that for maximum impact this version of the KOHL should be situation near net curtains.

Ikea have introduced a brand new line in HAUER fruit bowls . Chick and sophisticated they have duel usage and are versatile and interchangable .The bowl can be worn on the head for picnics and days out but due to its IKea standard of duel use can be placed on the DEBRA table for special occasion also .

The Pasha Cage comes in two sizes and is incredibly useful for containing children, old people and those occasional guests you really didn't want.

Can also be used as a fire guard for those larger, statelier houses.

What we all want to know, however, is if the Fjorseit will still be in the 2014 catalogue.

No, no! You're doing it wrong! It's the BROOS.

Strictly IKEA refused to comment on the rumoured discontinuation of the BROOS item. A staple since the beginning, the BROOS is the retailers signature article. However, having been in people's homes since the beginning, several anti-BROOS groups have been becoming more and more adamant in their claims that the item should be discontinued and that a fresh approach is needed for spearheading SCD IKEA's next catalogue. Having experimented with a double-sided print catalogue for the past few years with the DÄLY being the interlinking item on display, many now feel it's time that the DÄLY and WINKLMN deserve pride of place on the cover of the catalogue and that the BROOS should no longer be on offer in 2014.

We are proud to say the new catalogue will be released next week.

This is why we are having a rummage sale of old stock items this weekend to clear the warehouse.

Apologies for any clutter on the dance floor!

This is the best thing I've read in years !!

You are all so clever!!

Unfortunately the WNDSR solid wardrobe has had to be withdrawn after an unfortunate incident with the LACK TABLE. Due to the LACK of DCENT KOREOGRAFFY the WNDSR and accompanying decorative piece the MEDN have both developed leaks and will not feature in our future range.

We would like to give customers an update on our planned RBSÖN chair.

We were a little dubious about releasing this item as it does not seem to have captured the imagination but, after recent showings that it appears to show up well in Latin surroundings, we were all set to give it the go ahead.

However, when transporting it to our "worldwide" warehouse, we are sorry to say that a large consignment tumbled from the trolley and their arms fell off.

We are now in two minds as to whether to fix this problem. Our financial department seems to indicate that it would not be worth our while as what small interest there has been in it is likely to dissipate over the next couple of weeks. However, we have decided to put it through one last test by fixing it firmly to one of our other pieces, the ÅNYÅ and dragging it round our warehouses really quickly to test its endurance.

If the RBSÖN comes through this, there may be a reprieve for it. We will keep you posted.

Ikea would like to apologise to all their customers who have purchased the RCHEL, and have advised that they may be returned for a full refund and a free meatball dinner.

Unfortunately the RCHEL was overpriced in the first place and several faults have recently been discovered. Not only is it unstable but it has the wrong packaging, is painted in a too garish manner and it just doesn't suit the purpose for which it was intended.

Unfortunately, this comes at a time when the RVLORWD chair is also showing signs of wear and tear and a problem with one of the leg joints has been identified.

Customers should be aware this is being dealt with but in the meantime owners may wish to cover the chair with a sparkly throw, as this seems to help the situation enourmously.

NEWSFLASH: We would like to advise customers that modifications to our items of furniture (for example, as seen on BBC's Strictly Come Dancing where wheels were added to our hugely popular LACK table) could compromise the safety and stability of the product. Guarantees are automatically voided when adaptations are made and purchasers should be aware of the danger to life and limb and the increased likelihood of losing your coveted place on prime-time reality shows.

We would like to remind customers of our Halloween offers on accessories to our popular SCD furniture range.

The OLLAJWDAN piece has shown a definite extra "something" when paired with the PIVT cushion system, and sales of the NEESLYDE rug rocketed a couple of weeks ago. We also have a special online discount available for the CATSOOT throw which is bound to be requested by customers at some point before Christmas, usually when the designers have run out of ideas and hope for partner pieces.

The FLIK-KIK attachment popular with many of our pieces now comes with a Health & Safety warning. Rumours are abroad that it has been trialled with the MYRZ which resulted in the MYRZ careering off in random directions more than it usually does. This pairing should only be attempted in a VERY large room or by those with a strong constitution as we cannot guarantee the safety of your best Wedgwood.

IKEA has had a number of enquiries about its RLYNOTATANGO product. They would like to confirm their intention to include this product as an add on to its best selling products next month. Some customers have taken exception to the product description which suggests that the the style of the RLYNOTATANGO is evocative of the brothels and bordellos on the back streets of Buenos Aires. In fact they consider the product a rather cheap and tacky copy of the original design it is modelled on. However other customers prefer this product to the RLYNOTAVIENWALZ rotating chair add-on. Customers have complained that the RLYNOTAVIENWALZ rotates verrrrrrry verrrrrrry slowwwwwwwly and only for a very short time before it gives up.

Please note that the RLYNOTATANGO is rarely purchased by the BLLRMTNGO product customers. It seems that customers prefer one of the other, many saying that the BLLRMTNGO is an even less authentic of the original, even though it has the merit of only being rarely described as having connections with brothels or bordellos.

Another add on is the WSSATASAMBORSALSA, a product some customers say is lacking a clear style.

We have checked all the current stock of FJORSEIT and discovered that all items are 4 years past their "best before" date.
We tried to remove them from stock a couple of weeks ago but they mysteriously reappeared the following Saturday

There are, it seems, some very persistent customers who are big fans of the FJORSEIT. These customers have made it clear that they are very happy to purchase this item, whatever the condition. We have warned them that there is a possiblity that the item may fall to bits whilst actually in use but this has not been a deterrent to purchase.

Because of this, we will continue to stock the FJORSEIT for the foreseeable future although the hours during which it is actually available may decrease.

The RAYCHEL hat stand has been withdrawn . It was found that the legs were unsteady and had no strength .The core was floppy and became bendy when over loaded . Its matching partner the PSHA hall table has been withdrawn as it lost sheen too quickly and will be re structured and re launched at a later date .

Ikea had intended to withdraw the DAVENKAREN fun beanbag but is a popular item and its use will be reviewed by our testers .

SCD IKEA are somewhat troubled by the thought that not enough women are buying the ABAYNALJEZ combination. They have have conducted extensive research and can confirm that this combination is very attractive to women but for some reason they keep forgetting to walk out of the store with the product. However the research has confirmed that this problem also occurs with men. SCDIKEA will be attempting to correct this problem by installing a loud whistle that will remind prospective purchases to take the product to the tills before they leave.

If this does not help SCDIKEA will ensure that the combination is always kept at the top of any pile and also placed as close to the tills as possible

SCD IKEA are pleased to announce a new option.
The SUFFEE sofa is now available in red imitation leather.

We hope that this will placate customers who have been unhappy that the legs of SUFFEE are not all the same length, causing the item to wobble at times

There have been complaints about new DAVENKARN sideboard launched as improved and modernised . Customers have complained that the DAVNKARN looks exactly the same as it was before and has been since STRICTLY IKEA opened its doors .

There must be some additions to the catalogue after the show last night. Hoping for a laugh later.

We are delighted to inform you that the RBSÖN came through it's rigorous testing and appears to have caught the eye of several more customers as a result. Because of this, we decided to go on a full promotion drive with it, particularly stressing it's suitability to be paired with the ÅNYÅ.

We also recommend putting this chair under a strong light as that appears to be where it performs best.

N.B. There are one or two problems that arise when placing heavy objects on the RBSÖN. Although no harm has come to either the objects or the RBSÖN, things have looked precarious once or twice. It seems that this piece looks sturdier than it actually is. We are not saying that it cannot support the weight of someone more erm... substantial but you might want to be a bit cautious.

Anyone who enjoyed buying a HOLINZ might be interested to know that the SOOSANA entertainment centre is now available with PVTS.
Lots and lots of them

IKEA are proud to introduce a new product - the SUFI Hall Tidy.

It can be hung upright or sideways on the wall and it assymetric hook design is perfect for hanging hats, coats, and scarves.

It comes in red with a black counterpoint and has an attractive end feature - sophisticated and cool, we hope it proves popular.

A special fixing device, BRNDN, is included to help with wall mounting.

IKEA's children's department announce the Benn stuffed toy figurine. This robust and sturdy toy comes with it's own set of clothing to keep you endlessly occupied. Remove it's jacket for the au natural look (not anatomically correct) extra sets of clothing can be purchased including a rather natty sailor suit or a boiler suit for the more rugged look. These toys will be in limited supply during the run up to Christmas & are suitable for children of all ages.