Originally Posted by Bob_Knoobb:
“Here we go the Ally Ross piece
Cock of walk to Shephard’s holiday cover Piers Morgan’s devastating downgrade
NEWZOIDS, Ninja Warrior UK, Play To The Whistle, Give A Pet A Home, that hypnotism cobblers with Phillip Schofield.
ITV’s been throwing a lot of pasta at the walls recently and almost nothing has stuck.
Nothing apart from one rather flabby, grey, over-cooked piece that refused to budge from its breakfast TV set, until Friday.
I’m talking here, clearly, about Piers Morgan, who started a five-day work placement, last Monday, alongside Susanna Reid, who looked a “delighted” vision in high-vis yellow, which really should be the colour of Good Morning Britain’s official flag.
For this is a show that, just like its predecessor, GMTV, has massively bought into the health & safety culture and is never truly at ease unless someone (usually Dr Hilary) is cautioning, warning, recommending and generally just demonstrating how much it damn well cares.
It is, in other words, with the obvious exception of Naked And Afraid, the last place on TV earth suited to Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan.
For starters, he looks all wrong. His bison-sized head is now folding in on itself, Steptoe style, and the mouth has developed a nervous twitch whenever he’s silenced for longer than 13 seconds.
It’s the stuff that comes out of it, of course, that remains the real problem. Not just the me-me-me schtick but the accompanying “ha-ha ha HAAAH” laugh which is usually employed in one of three ways.
1. To laugh at his own jokes. Obviously.
2. To belittle the other presenter.
And 3. To try to ease the tension when he’s gone over the top.
Occasionally you get all three, as demonstrated by this exchange with fellow egomaniac Martin Lewis, the show’s financial expert.
“Do you talk on your website?”
“No.”
“It sounds quite good then, ha-ha ha HAAAH.”
The irony was lost on Piers, naturally, just as it was when he accused showbiz reporter Ross King of sucking up to celebrities.
Because, while I could never accuse him of being a total plank, Piers’ brain has definitely joined the “five items or less” queue.
There’s room in there for: Arsenal, his Kevin Pietersen crush, US gun laws, a dull anecdote about his daughter and not much else.
It means he can demolish Caroline Lucas, the MP for Flat Earth Central, but is genuinely out of his depth with Aleksandr the Meerkat, who battered him to all corners of the GMB studio last Wednesday.
Devilment aside then, why would I think he should become a permanent breakfast fixture?
Well, hand on heart, I was thoroughly entertained by every day of Piers’ stint.
I enjoyed watching him provoke that little French nutcase who climbs skyscrapers into swearing, and thought his contempt for politicians, on a show where they’re generally treated far too timidly, was very refreshing.
Even in a country as buffoon-friendly as Britain, where John Prescott actually became Deputy PM, I realise this is not a popular opinion. There is a certain justice, though, to giving him the gig permanently.
Less than two years ago, Bill Clinton was hanging on Piers’ every word. Now, here he is, linking to Good Morning Britain’s phone competition, introducing a regional travel report about a District Line hold-up at Acton and dutifully trotting up to the network centre roof to remind everyone temperatures could well hit 16 degrees in Aberystwyth today?
As brutal but necessary comeuppances go, that’s beyond my wildest fantasies and even Piers’ Twitter blurb.
“One day you’re the cock of the walk.” The next you’re Ben Shephard’s holiday cover.”
At least he didn't have to introduce #selfie esteem!
Poor Susanna, she looks utterly mortified introducing it.