Emma: Steven, you've been the best housemate of the series. Actually of all the series. Actually of all the Big Brothers across the world.

Steven: Yes, I have. In fact, I've been to all the countries in the world. That's definitely true and not made up.

Emma: I don't doubt it. Now, Steven, you're a millionaire so you're not disappointed you didn't win the money?

Steven: Yes, it's true, I am a millionaire. That's definitely not made up, either. I have so much money I simply don't need a hundred thousand pounds. If I had won, I'd have hired the whole of Hyde Park and had a two-hour long fireworks display.

Emma: Wouldn't that cost more than a hundred grand?

Steven: Yes, but charities would pay for the rest, obviously, because that's what charities do.

Emma: You're also the most handsome housemate we've ever had and, of course, you're now the partner of a Playboy bunny. How does that feel?

Steven: I'm used to it. I've pleasured many women. I like to have sex constantly for 24 hours and I demonstrated that in the house.

Emma: Yes, though viewers only saw two seconds of your day-long sex marathon. Are you excited to see Kim again?

Steven: Oh yes. Obviously we'll be hiring an enormous house in central London, paid for with all the money I've got. Then I'll be booking Westminister Abbey for the wedding.

Emma: That's exciting! Can I come?

Steven: I'm not sure there'll be room. Most of the places at the wedding will be paid for by charities.

Emma: Of course. So you must really love Kim, then?

Steven: Who's Kim?

Emma: The Playboy bunny you're marrying?

Steven: Oh, yeah. Poor cow. Why aren't we talking about me any more?

Emma: Sorry. But do you love her?

Steven: Totally. Except when she's not doing exactly what I say. And the way she makes me look bad. But all that will change once we're married. My mother will make sure of that.

Emma: Of course. Now, we've agreed that you've been the best housemate in the history of international television. So why do you think you were voted out by 99.9% of the vote?

Steven: I did nothing wrong. At all. I think the public are just jealous that I'm a handsome millionaire who's travelled the entire world and who's now going to marry a Playboy bunny.

Emma: We don't have time to show your best bits tonight. We'll be showing them on a five hour "Steven: the best housemate the world has ever known" special, which we will then repeat on a loop for the next month.

Steven: Will it be sponsored by a charity?

Emma: Yes.

*****

No, but seriously folks. Who reckons Emma will give Steven the easiest time ever and will just gush about what a great housemate he's been?

Yes, Steven will get a far easier ride than he deserves...... but I wait to see Helen's chat with Emma........what a crawlfest that will be........

"Oh yeah. Poor cow. Why aren't we talking about me anymore?"

and pretty much exactly what Steven would say.

omg bet it will go something like that

Hahaha, oh maaaan that was a funny read...although clearly made up, I don't doubt it to be far from the truth. Emma will probably say he has been one of the best housmates annd just be all nice and sweet with him. I miss Davina, the real queen of BB.

I just hope he doesn't pick at his nose during the interview

Great post OP. You've reminded us all just what a prize plonker Steven is, and how far up his own bottom he is too!

He has been fed a diet of 'Steven is the best' all his life, and what we see on BB is the end result. Note to any current or prospective parents out there. If you don't want your child to grow up like Steven, don't put them on a pedestal.

Keep them grounded!!

I think I' ll wait and see if he goes, and see what gets said. Bearing in mind the questions will be dictated by the producers.

Steven's interview will be interesting

brilliant prof

Westminster Abbey, I still can't get over he said that?

Oh lol

thanks for making me laugh so much.

Great interview

Looking forward to Friday even more now.

Very funny; more so because it's so close to the truth.

Excellent stuff, Matt. I don't normally accept that people are funnier than me but I have to take my hat off to you.

I can feel the tension at Channel 5 as they realise the transcript has been leaked

Hilarious. ...see, we don't need Stevie Boy in the house to laugh at him. ....we can achieve the same thing with him out of the house! !!

Just a thought. ..wouldn't Emma be wondering what Steven meant by that phrase...'Open it'?????

Pretty much right on. bb better come prepared with sick buckets to hand out to the public, bots presenters and panelists because if they are like myself they'll need one. He makes me sick.

I enjoyed this.

Big up to Prof Matt and all that jazz.

Thanks everyone


Ah, I forgot that! I thought I'd got everything in! I think my mind just erased it from my memory as it was just too painful.