Oh, I'm glad it's not just me!

Well yeah, because it's the next Monday and the next Monday is this one - today. If you wanted the one after you'd say a week next Monday or a week on Monday.

Do you need a hug?

You are correct. Your builder is being a dick.

Birds who use my windows for target practice for their shit

I have to keep my mouth firmly zipped about this, or catch a load of flak from my wife.
Yesterday, Mothers Day, we drove to her parents to take them out to lunch, also there were my brother-in-law and his wife.
In the restaurant, when the waitress took our orders, I said, "I'll have the lamb please."
Aside from my wife, the other four just said, "Chicken, Roast Beef, don't put gravy on, let me pour it, oh, and another two beers."
Not one please or thank you.
When we were ready to go, my brother-in-law said to the waitress, "Got the bill?"
My wife dug her nails in my arm, and hissed, "Shut it."
That lack of common politeness really grinds my gears.

People being generous with stuff that doesn't belong to them. Had a call from the head of an other unit at work. They have an important event tomorrow and need "really professional, high quality photographs". As I'm a keen photographer, the alarm bells rang.
"I'm too busy, you'll have to hire one." I said.
She told me they had, apparently a friend of her secretary who is "a really good photographer, really professional." Only one problem, Mr Really Good Professional doesn't actually own a camera! So the secretary told him he could borrow mine and I'm supposed to drop off a couple of thousand quids worth of kit to a total stranger - yeah right.
I got the usual "You're letting everyone down" routine which was a waste of time - I didn't make any promises so I'm not letting anyone down.
I've been stung before with that secretary, she's always borrowing stuff and has no respect for other people's property - I once lent her a couple of DVDs and four books. After a year I got back an empty DVD case and half a book. Most people aren't that lucky, she borrows stuff, lends it out to other people and thinks it's no longer her responsibility.

So where is the bu**er then? I've left messages and texts - nothing.

Car for sale adverts that say. 'One woman owner', as if that makes any difference.

It always used to, many years ago! A lot of women drivers kept their car in the garage, only using it once a week and having it regularly serviced whether it needed it or not and often only ever drove at 20 mph. Those cars would last forever!!

Ugh tell me about it! My conservatory window is covered in bird droppings at the moment I'm sick of it. My house is not an open-air bird toilet

..... or ..... did he arrive and I didn't hear him knock? Now I'm feeling even more stupid.

Thats exactly my thought too

I did earlier! Thanks for the lovely offer. I have about an hour left to enjoy peace before they come home.

It is the contextual misuse of 'basically', 'obviously' and 'actually' that bother me; not the words themselves. As pedantic as it sounds, over-usage of these words is a trait that has cursed the UK in recent years; specifically prevalent amongst teenagers and the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show.

People saying 'obviously' when the fact in question is not apparent to anyone but the speaker; saying basically when the fact in question is explained at length or not summarised in any way and saying actually... well every 5 seconds.

Ah. We have this debate often. My dad would agree with you, whereas I've always thought of it the way your builder seems to.

I would have also made the same mistake, taking 'next' Monday to be literally the next Monday that appears on the calendar.

Tradesmen are a sub-species of human for whom I harbor significant contempt and mistrust, hence I always follow up any agreed verbal dates with a text/email confirmation - primarily so they can't go back on their word but also to eliminate any doubt about scheduled work.

People who must have seen your name crop up on Facebook hundreds of times over the years because you have mutual friends and belong to the same community pages...but only befriend you when they have a baby to brag about.

You get invited to a wedding, you spend £100 on an outfit, £100 on a present, £100 on travel, £100 on a hotel for the night, yet more dosh on everything from the card and wrapping paper and biodegradable confetti and when you get there - the bride and groom don't know who you are because you are merely the partner of someone they invited. If you want me to spend £500 on your narcissistic parade, at least have the common decency to remember my name - after all you wrote it on the invite.

This. FaceBook was a short-lived dalliance for me anyway; but when I got to 28/29, it was apparent that the baby-making amongst my peers was in full swing. I had people I never met adding me for births and weddings. I was unclear whether this was for attention/validation or for the expensive reasons you stated. Either way, FaceBook is (for me) a thankfully forgotten venture into the fake and the superficial.

Ah, right. I got it. Thanks so much for clarifying. Much appreciated.

When people quote my posts and write "what are you on about?"

Yeah, because your rudeness is even going to get an acknowledgement from me. I don't think so!

Besides, I always picture the poster hunched over their keyboard, dressed as some thug Eastenders character in a leather jacket and typing furiously with their meaty fists. Then I start laughing.

Phoning ANY company that has a switchboard and having to talk with those impossibly bright and cheery women that indulge in a lot of 'upspeak'... they make me fugging sick having to answer their quickfire upbeat robotic questions.

I used to have a colleague who annoyed me more than anybody else in the world. I literally wanted to murder him every day. It was a combination of a couple of traits.

Firstly, he made noises. Constant noises. They came from the throat and sounded like he was having sex. Ahhhhh, ohhhh, ahhh etc. Non stop all day long. In order to combat this, I bought an ipod and listened to music.

Secondly, and something the ipod couldn't block out was his blow up ball chair. Instead of sitting on a chair like a normal person, he had a big blow up ball, like a spacehopper. He sat opposite me, and what was really f***ing annoying was when he chose to bounce up and down on it, so I could see his big melon head bouncing up and down above my monitor. I used to turn the ipod up, and slide down as far as I could in my chair to not see him.

The worst was when I forgot my ipod, and had to see his head bouncing up and down whilst listening to him making non stop orgasm noises. It was like being on set in a low budget porn film!!

That is absolutely horrendous! I do feel for you, I would be right with you willing to do time for his murder I think!!

May I ask if they are boys or girls I am relying on the fact that when mine are that age they will be a walk in the park - both boys - I've been told girls are harder in the teenage years