You fall over while running for the bus and flash your knickers to the world/split your pants. Some wag films this and the resulting viral video slows the internet so much several economies go into recession. You're famous and, because they once used your iPod at your Auntie Velma's retirement do, you decide you are now a celebrity DJ. You are asked to go on Strictly, so what songs do you dance to and who do you partner? The rules are -
1) It's a fantasy so there are no bloody theme weeks but Week 8 is Blackpool Week and you have to go big!
2) You can partner any pro for any dance. Male of female, past or present, it doesn't matter!
3) It's a fantasy so anything you want can happen!
Week 1 - Waltz
Aljaz - Coles Corner (Richard Hawley)
It's so romantic the national birth rate goes up 50% nine months after my performance. The rehearsals go well except Aljaz keeps stopping to propose to me. It's embarrassing! We've only just met.
Week 2 - Cha Cha Cha
Iveta - La Bamba - (Ritchie Valens)
Gosh, Iveta and I are practically body doubles! We each wear dresses that weigh 50lbs but it doesn't matter because we're fabulous. It's all going well until someone in the canteen asks if he can have a selfie with The Cheeky Girls. Iveta is from Lithuania, she doesn't understand why I'm crying.
Week 3 - Foxtrot
Brendan - The Very Thought of You (Ella Fitzgerald)
Brendan gets his mojo back and we're like Fred and Ginge! Aljaz can't cope with me dancing with another man. There are fisticuffs. The Daily Mail reports of 'backstage tensions' don't even cover half of it.
Week 4 - Jive
Pasha - Dreaming (Blondie)
We're Debbie Harry and Andy Warhol at CBGBs and we're soooo cool! The comedy VT involves Pasha in a Warhol-esque film called The Dance Factory. He's so happy he cries.
Week 5 - Tango
Aliona - This Town Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us (Sparks)
God, Aliona seems sooooo scary but it turns out she's just really, really method and, in fact, I'm the only person she's ever liked in her life. We become BFF, and by that I mean Mean Girls.
Week 6 - Samba
Ian - Going Back to My Roots (Odyssey)
It's so incredible the viewers feel like they've worn a polyester jumpsuit but been let into Studio 54 anyway. Ian wears those red trousers. He decides he's also my BFF and we're going to do everything together and go everywhere together and never leave each other's side.
Week 7 - Rumba
Vincent - Help Me Make It Through the Night (Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson)
It's so sensual teenagers can't bear to watch with their parents. The Daily Star's front page asks if two Strictly stars 'did it' on live television. We did.
Blackpool Week - American Smooth
Anton - Everything's Coming Up Roses (Ethel Merman)
The entire tower is turned into a giant helter-skelter. Anton and I slide down from the top and land in the ballroom. We do the entire routine while simultaneously keeping 100 plates spinning on poles and never break a single one. It's so camp from henceforth Anton and I are asked to front every single Eurovision Song Contest ever.
Week 9 - Charleston
Aliona - The Charleston (Mack and Johnson)
We're literally possessed by the spirit of Josephine Baker. There is a slight wardrobe malfunction with a black widow infestation in our banana costumes but Aliona just kills them with her bare hands and carries on. Aliona rocks!
Week 10 - Quickstep
Natalie - Lust for Life (Iggy Pop)
Our legs are so long and elegant we're like a pair of Sapphic gazelles leaping across the plains. It's all going well until she keeps stopping to propose to me in rehearsals. Oh god, not the women too!
Quarter Finals - Salsa and Argentine Tango
Flavia (Salsa) - Bamboleo (Celia Cruz)
It's so authentic viewers write to Raul Castro to demand he invades the UK. The US Ambassador leaves the country in protest. Aljaz begins to style himself as Che Guevara in an attempt to impress me. It's kind of hot.
Vincent (Argentine Tango) - Theme from Bullitt (Lalo Schifrin)
Vincent arrives on a Vespa he's ridden from the West End. It's a cool, jazzy interpretation. Viewers tuning in halfway through wonder why primetime Saturday evening BBC1 is showing a Fellini film. Others complain the dry ice means they can't see our footwork. That's not dry ice, it's the smoke our legs are generating.
Semi Finals - Paso Doble and Viennese Waltz
Tristan (Paso Doble) - Prince Charming (Adam and the Ants)
I'm originally partnered with Kristina but we catfight over who gets to be Diana Dors. I'm jealous that she actually looks like her and demand she is replaced by Tristan who is just so rock 'n' roll. When Pasha see Tristan's costume he silently weeps in a corner.
Aljaz (Viennese Waltz) - Mad About the Boy (Dinah Washington)
I'm a mature Joan Crawford, he's a young Montgomery Clift, he steps from a silvery-screen and we dance. As we whirl around the dance-floor he whispers from a folio of poetry he has written about me entitled 'Your Milky-White Thighs'. I wonder about getting the police involved.
The Final - Showdance
Aljaz - Jump (Van Halen)
After reprising my quickstep, rumba and waltz I perform my showdance. The original Van Halen reforms just for this moment and they've used a time machine so they're not all old and wrinkly. I arrive atop a motorcycle pyramid, comprising Austin Healey, Colin Jackson, Ramps, Michael Vaughn and Mark Benton, and leap through a firey hoop. Halfway through the routine we pause as a newly-ordained Ian performs a marriage ceremony for Aljaz and I. It's a move that blasts the classic 'dead nan' out of the water. Unfortunately I have entered Strictly in the same year as Jonny Wilkinson who is good-looking and a bloke and a sportsman and, surprisingly, half-decent at dancing and I am merely runner-up. DS Spy will debate this moment for the next decade.
1) It's a fantasy so there are no bloody theme weeks but Week 8 is Blackpool Week and you have to go big!
2) You can partner any pro for any dance. Male of female, past or present, it doesn't matter!
3) It's a fantasy so anything you want can happen!
Week 1 - Waltz
Aljaz - Coles Corner (Richard Hawley)
It's so romantic the national birth rate goes up 50% nine months after my performance. The rehearsals go well except Aljaz keeps stopping to propose to me. It's embarrassing! We've only just met.
Week 2 - Cha Cha Cha
Iveta - La Bamba - (Ritchie Valens)
Gosh, Iveta and I are practically body doubles! We each wear dresses that weigh 50lbs but it doesn't matter because we're fabulous. It's all going well until someone in the canteen asks if he can have a selfie with The Cheeky Girls. Iveta is from Lithuania, she doesn't understand why I'm crying.
Week 3 - Foxtrot
Brendan - The Very Thought of You (Ella Fitzgerald)
Brendan gets his mojo back and we're like Fred and Ginge! Aljaz can't cope with me dancing with another man. There are fisticuffs. The Daily Mail reports of 'backstage tensions' don't even cover half of it.
Week 4 - Jive
Pasha - Dreaming (Blondie)
We're Debbie Harry and Andy Warhol at CBGBs and we're soooo cool! The comedy VT involves Pasha in a Warhol-esque film called The Dance Factory. He's so happy he cries.
Week 5 - Tango
Aliona - This Town Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us (Sparks)
God, Aliona seems sooooo scary but it turns out she's just really, really method and, in fact, I'm the only person she's ever liked in her life. We become BFF, and by that I mean Mean Girls.
Week 6 - Samba
Ian - Going Back to My Roots (Odyssey)
It's so incredible the viewers feel like they've worn a polyester jumpsuit but been let into Studio 54 anyway. Ian wears those red trousers. He decides he's also my BFF and we're going to do everything together and go everywhere together and never leave each other's side.
Week 7 - Rumba
Vincent - Help Me Make It Through the Night (Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson)
It's so sensual teenagers can't bear to watch with their parents. The Daily Star's front page asks if two Strictly stars 'did it' on live television. We did.
Blackpool Week - American Smooth
Anton - Everything's Coming Up Roses (Ethel Merman)
The entire tower is turned into a giant helter-skelter. Anton and I slide down from the top and land in the ballroom. We do the entire routine while simultaneously keeping 100 plates spinning on poles and never break a single one. It's so camp from henceforth Anton and I are asked to front every single Eurovision Song Contest ever.
Week 9 - Charleston
Aliona - The Charleston (Mack and Johnson)
We're literally possessed by the spirit of Josephine Baker. There is a slight wardrobe malfunction with a black widow infestation in our banana costumes but Aliona just kills them with her bare hands and carries on. Aliona rocks!
Week 10 - Quickstep
Natalie - Lust for Life (Iggy Pop)
Our legs are so long and elegant we're like a pair of Sapphic gazelles leaping across the plains. It's all going well until she keeps stopping to propose to me in rehearsals. Oh god, not the women too!
Quarter Finals - Salsa and Argentine Tango
Flavia (Salsa) - Bamboleo (Celia Cruz)
It's so authentic viewers write to Raul Castro to demand he invades the UK. The US Ambassador leaves the country in protest. Aljaz begins to style himself as Che Guevara in an attempt to impress me. It's kind of hot.
Vincent (Argentine Tango) - Theme from Bullitt (Lalo Schifrin)
Vincent arrives on a Vespa he's ridden from the West End. It's a cool, jazzy interpretation. Viewers tuning in halfway through wonder why primetime Saturday evening BBC1 is showing a Fellini film. Others complain the dry ice means they can't see our footwork. That's not dry ice, it's the smoke our legs are generating.
Semi Finals - Paso Doble and Viennese Waltz
Tristan (Paso Doble) - Prince Charming (Adam and the Ants)
I'm originally partnered with Kristina but we catfight over who gets to be Diana Dors. I'm jealous that she actually looks like her and demand she is replaced by Tristan who is just so rock 'n' roll. When Pasha see Tristan's costume he silently weeps in a corner.
Aljaz (Viennese Waltz) - Mad About the Boy (Dinah Washington)
I'm a mature Joan Crawford, he's a young Montgomery Clift, he steps from a silvery-screen and we dance. As we whirl around the dance-floor he whispers from a folio of poetry he has written about me entitled 'Your Milky-White Thighs'. I wonder about getting the police involved.
The Final - Showdance
Aljaz - Jump (Van Halen)
After reprising my quickstep, rumba and waltz I perform my showdance. The original Van Halen reforms just for this moment and they've used a time machine so they're not all old and wrinkly. I arrive atop a motorcycle pyramid, comprising Austin Healey, Colin Jackson, Ramps, Michael Vaughn and Mark Benton, and leap through a firey hoop. Halfway through the routine we pause as a newly-ordained Ian performs a marriage ceremony for Aljaz and I. It's a move that blasts the classic 'dead nan' out of the water. Unfortunately I have entered Strictly in the same year as Jonny Wilkinson who is good-looking and a bloke and a sportsman and, surprisingly, half-decent at dancing and I am merely runner-up. DS Spy will debate this moment for the next decade.
