The Railway Children. "little diesel is 5 years old, and I'm expecting a shunter ......."

The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie. "girls, forget fascism. I've just found out about 18446744082299486207 ......."

The Private Life Of Sherlock Holmes. "i'm sorry watson, but mycroft isn't my older brother, he's my wife. So, although I am flattered by your proposal, it would be bigamy, which is illegal. However, by using strictly logical methods i can deduce that you are strongly attracted to me, and if you wish to continue bonking me 12 times per night, then i certainly have no objections. But let's not tell mycroft, eh'? That would make the situation too complicated. Just pretend to everyone that you're sleeping with mrs watson, and wbatever you do, don't tell her you'rs a man. Continue to.wear a,wig and false bosom when at home. Thank goodness we Victorians never take our clothes off. I'm afraid i've never discovered whether mrs hudson is male or female, but really it doesn't matter ........... watson, what if i were really a woman, would u still bonk me 12 times per night .. ....... and i'm not all that sure mycroft is a man .......

Whisper of the heart.

Studio ghibli movie about a man with a fatal heart defect. For ages 3+.....

The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother. "yes it's mycroft here, confirming everything sherlock said just above, although that's not very smart of me .......,

Powers Of Ten. in a freak general election result, austin powers becomes british prime minister ...... "cool baby, I'm gonna declare next friday is national shagging day .......... do you get the point ? ...... did that go in ? ........ Oh, behave .......

The Man Who Fell To Earth. mr bowie fell off his,chair in 1968, and has sung in a weird voice ever since, but we got him lots of money. have YOU had an accident that wasn't your fault ? call.this number .........

Sherlock Holmes In Washington. "i can assure you, sir, that washington doesn't mind at all. In fact, he rather enjoys it. But let's not tell either watson or mycroft, eh? Darn it, i've seen watson, but ii wish i knew whether mycroft is male or female........ these days, i don't get much free time for my consultimg detective work .......... My last case was The Policeman With The False Moustache. He tuned out to be Irene Adler. Oh, that woman ....... at least i think she's a woman ........due to the cold british climate, all of us victorians wear 10 layers of petticoats ....... which makes knowing anything about anyone extremely difficult ......... "

55 Days At Peeking. a sex maniac spends almost 2 months looking through a keyhole ...... sir, it's a cafe not a brothel, and those are cupcakes with icing on and cherries in the middle ........

Some upcoming films...


The Peanuts Movie - biopic of Nobel prize winning US President Jimmy Carter.

James White - A coming-of-age story about a young snooker player struggling to take control of his reckless, self-destructive behavior in the face of momentous family challenges.

Deadpool - it was a great party until someone realised the host was Michael Barrymore.

The Angry Birds Movie - Katie Price, Kerry Katona and Coleen Rooney suffer an overdose of gamma radiation.

Troll 2 - Sequel to the surprise hit film "Guy Who Insults People Online"

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians - Drunk Hollywood exec greenlights mash-up
of "Miracle on 34th Street " and "John Carter".

The Wizard Of Oz. biopic of rupert murdoch.

Enter The Dragon. after trying to get in thro the mouth, then between the buttocks, they finally find a door half way along ....

The Ghost And Mrs Muir.. " ....... but dammit, my darling, my sweetie pie, what exactly would be the point of using a condom ? it's not just my hand that passes right through you ...........""

Waterworld. "lemon entry, tonight, holmes?" "thankyou watson, but professor moriarty has recently introduced me to The Joy Of Colonic Irrigation. so I have given up cocaine, but in the desk top drawer you will still find a hypodermic syringe and some rubber tubing ........."

Snow White, restored version. underarm hair has been reinserted, from the original negative ......... thanks to Pathe film labs, in france ..... the seven dwarves have.also been made,"more interesting" ..........

Spacehunter, Adventures In The Forbidden Zone. molly ringwald tries to buy a 1 bedroom flat in london and only succeeds when she mortgages her soul to satan .........

Coneheads. a public information film, warning children what happens if they eat too many ice creams.

The Lost Boys. "excuse me mister, do you know where the scout hut is?" "yes young man, keep going and 2nd turn right "

The Long Voyage Home - extended edition of Star Trek IV

Moby Dick - 900 year old Jedi Master gives his former pupil a blow job.

The Last Boy Scout. "what use carrying on ? you can't have a jamboree with just 1 person ! i am going to close down the scout hut, build a campfire, throw my woggle onto it, and watch while the darn thing burns to cinders ......... "

Laura. otto preminger's biopic of cotton dress designer Laura Ashley ....

Star Trek 1st Contact. "jim, I've just had sex with a green alien woman fot the first time ........" " ,,,,,,feels pretty good, bones, doesn't it ??!! " ",,,,,,,, jim, I am also slightly green, although male not female, but with a fine physique. yet you have never even looked into my eyes. most illogical. It's the ears,isn't it ? u r afraid of being stabbed while making mad passionate love ......."

The Impossible. Short experimental animation film film showing 4 sided triangles ......

From Dusk Till Dawn

A gritty Mike Leigh northern drama about a group of middle aged men working nightshift in factory production in Runcorn.


Cliffhanger

Warhol's final movie. For three millennia a rock has clung valiantly to the side of Mt Arafat. We think it might fall off and have trained a camera on it for two days in July and will relay the live footage in this exciting thriller. Will it fall off? Probably not.