The Cruel C. a trainee computer programmer can't even get his machine to print out ''Hello World'' ........

Clothes On Counters Of The Third Kind ............ jumble sale in church hall

A High Wind In Jamaica - A man's attempted to smoke da 'Erb are interrupted by a hurricane.

The Virgin Soliders - Richard Branson goes into the mercenary business.

Magnum Force ....... Computer error sees a new york police precinct issued with ice creams instead of handguns ........ great for community relations, not so good in shootouts with crooks .....

Fire Down Below - A chef accidentally drops extra-hot curry powder into his underpants.

Crossroads - Meg Richardson and wooly-hatted Bennie get a big-screen relaunch...with Britney Spears!

The Twilight Saga- Eclipse - factual flick about the moon's orbit.

The Bounty Hunter - Gerald Butler becomes obsessed with chocolate bars.

Diary of a Madman: -

09/02 won New Hampshire
20/02 won South Carolina
22/02 won Arizona
23/02 won Nevada
01/03 won Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Virginia, Massachusetts, and Vermont
05/03 won Louisiana, Illinois, and Kentucky
08/03 won Mississippi, and Michigan
15/03 won Missouri, Florida, and North Carolina

Thunderbirds Are Goo. 50 years on, the glue holding together the original thunderbirds models starts to liquify ......

Mars: A Tax. george osborne decides to raise more revenue from crinkly chocolate bars, as eaten by plebs. since, this won't affect his designer hamburgers from harrods, or his friends banqueting in their gentlemens' clubs ........

Zoo Loo ...... after visiting the cafe, some tourists discover a zoo has toilets for all animals except humans ........

All This, And Heaven 2. another heaven nightclub opens in slough, making that gorgous lovely town even more attractive than it already is ........

A Knight In Cassablanca ...... beautiful woman on horse in full armour with long pole saunters into rick's cafe. rick says ''of all the gin joints in the world, you have to walk into mine'', and the horse says ''look mate, i'm rather tired, so just a beer with a fresh carrot in it, ok?'' ......

All dogs go to heaven. Cujo's victims get a nasty surprise....

The Decline of Western Civilization - A pub bore keeping telling everyone that things are getting worse. "Read this!" he shouts, waving his battered copy of Oswald Spengler at annoyed bar patrons.

The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years - Pub bore now bangs on drum lids with crowbars.


Remember the Titans - An elderly Perseus tries to overcome memory loss.

House of Whacks. Where naughty boys go for some strict discipline .......

Fantastic Four. it's the school hols, and the famous five are back together, ready for their next adventure. george has a cold, and stays at home in bed, but julian dick & ann & timmy the dog go on a picnic - with lots of lemonade and fish paste sandwiches - and discover some smugglers in a secret cave ......

Jesus Christ's Uber Star. jesus books a taxi, using the new mobile app, but gives it quite a low customer satisfaction rating .........

The "Philadelphia" Story - documentary on the Tom Hanks AIDS flick.


The Lost Weekend - Ray Milland binge-watches the show about the island.

Tender Is The Knight. you'd have a sore bum too, if u had to sit on a horse all day, wearing heavy armour, before saddles were invented .........

Nights Of The Round Table ..... after a long meeting king arthur says ''.... any other business ? no ? right then, let's send out for a hog roast, and meanwhile bring on the dancing girls ....... " ....... sir launcelot says ''sire, surely this is not true chivalry?'' but his words are drowned out by men cheering as the girls remove their tops ........

The Knight Porter. charlotte rampling wears a suit of armour (just like joan d'arc) and carries passengers' luggage at railway stations. She can't see where she's going, and keeps walking into walls. One day she walks into dirk bogarde ...,.. (existentialism ...... and if u think that's weird, jean luc goddard made much stranger films .......)

Apartment of Erotic Horror (2006)

Flat 7A, Ecclestone Road, Balham. After 6 pm. Ask for Nigel. Bring a friend

Dye Hard ....... just wanted to recolour my jeans, and did, but now can only walk in them if i don't bend my knees. On the plus side, i now understand the 1st scene of Saturday Night Fever much better ......

Saturday Knight Fever ........ sick note: temperature of 103deg f, in bed feeling ill, jousting tournament cancelled. Somebody please tell the wenches ........ and feed the horse ........

Bad Day At Black Rock ....... film version of stevie wonder's worst ever concert .......

Lincoln ....... impossibly boring tourist board promotional travelogue, with lots of shots of random people walking past the cathedral, for no particular reason, accompanied by a sleep inducing drone type voiceover commentry ..... Z z z z z z z