The Greatest Story Ever Told. In this remake, daniel day lewis plays jesus. and judas. and pontious pilate. and 12 disciples. and the 5000 people fed by 5 loaves and 2 fishes. and herod. and pilate. and the entire roman army. as long as he sticks to people, and doesn't try to become oceans or landscapes .......

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind ........ just one week after voting brexit, and already everyone has forgotten who david cameron was .........

The Longest Day ........ this is a film about d day, so why the heck doesn't it star d day lewis ? maybe he's gone back to being the atlantic ocean, or the axis army, or france .......

Black Hawk Down ........ a fibre technologist invents a brand new type of duvet filling.

How To Train Your Dragon .......... don't let it block the platform, make sure it has a valid ticket, don't let it eat any children, and strictly no smoking in the toilet ........

How To Train Your Dragon, 2. put dragon 32 computer into a small suitcase. put suitcase onto overhead train luggage rack. job done. next stop, llanfairpwll ..........

All That Heaven Allows ....... since almost everything that human beings do is sinful, this remake comprises a man tied to a chair, eating Quorn ready meals from Tesco .........

All dogs go to heaven.....

The story of 72 virgins.

Raw Instinct ....... Richard Branson is just one bearded virgin ......,

Mary Poppins ..........they keep falling out, so she has to keep popping them back in ........

Mary Poppins ..........they keep falling out, so she has to keep popping them back in ........

The Belles Of St Trinians .......theresa may in schoolgirl uniform and pigtails, boris johnson in a nice dress with expensive earrings, and i.d.s. lurking about in the grounds ....... yes, our brexit team promise huge fun in a long series of adventures ......

The Great Escape ....... england leaves the EU, and closes its borders. So refugees in calais start digging a 2nd channel tunnel ...... meanwhile, to escape teresa may,boris pedals his bike all the way to scotland, tries to jump over hadrian's wall, and gets stuck halfway across ........

Attack The Block ........... it's zombie apocalypse time, as a huge queue of perspiring people slowly stumble towards the ice cream van for their vanilla wafers and choc ices ..........

Resident Evil .......... after retirement, Dr Evil wants to move into a modest small flat, but encounters objections from the local residents' committee to mini- me, because although storing weapons of mass destruction in your garage is fine, pets are not allowed ..........

Psycho ....... " it's so hot ........ just let me have a shower to cool down, before you murder me ............''

Dr Zhivago.

The doctor employs two meerkats to run an ad campaign after his surgery repeatedly gets phone calls for a popular travel website.
"It's Zhivago. Not, Trivago."

Kid Napped ........ after staying up far too late, next day a tired young mite falls asleep during maths lesson ...........

The 4 hoarse men of the apocalypse ......... "after we'd been shouting 'flee the zombies' for about 6 hours, our voices went, and it was just a croaking sound ........ "

High rise...

Disaster ensues when someone accidentally bakes pot brownies with self-rasing flour....

Trigger Claws 70 ........... when the original ''trigger claws'' horror film was made, nobody guessed it would lead to such a hugely successful franchise ........

The Tit Field Thunderbolt ........ what happens to nudists when it rains ? you never see them carrying umberellas ! soaking wet nudists in a thunderstorm are ''totally unprotected '' ........... one huge flash, and they're gone .......

They Dyed With Their Boots On ........... because, going down the pub after work, with your feet a different colour each night, is kinda weird ...........

Start Wreck Beyond .......... "I'm not having you start that thing right outside my house, so just take it down the end of the street .........''

2001 A Space Odyssey ....... "so tonight, jerry, you be the revolving space station with a slot in it, and i'll be the shuttle craft from earth that flies into the slot ........'' ''....... we have to do it that way round anyway, rupert, because a slot's all i've got ..........''