Analysis of Emmerdale Characters shortish version

1) Chrissie - Bitter Chrissie is making a much better Villain than she was as tearful Chrissie, become a right evil bitch

but Chrissie whoever told you you had Fabulous hair obviously lied to you and I suggest you take revenge on them

2) Will Rakesh take Chrissie's indecent Proposal and its a lot less appealing than Robert Redfords, poor Rakesh messed about by evil Chrissie and bossed about by bossy Priya.

3) Priya dear will anyone ever tell you the truth

4) Tracy not taking the news that she has Vanessa as a sister well.

5) Vanessa you will have to do much better than Lemon Drizzle cake even if it wasn't the worst kind of cake.

6) No you cretin Lisa you need all the help you can get finding Belle, what a thick idiot.

7) And Zak its only a week or so it was you who was on the outs with the family Rocks and Glass houses Zack

8) Aww isn't Chas a good sister.

9) Charity at her best at present

10) Put the Charity down Cain

Ways how to Kill Marlon Part 16

He has a go at knife throwing with April but Aprils aim wasn't good so now she's an orphan

Weekly Bulletin of the Malt Shovel

That family of criminals, neer do wells and general scum the Dingles are being troublesome again, this time Belle Dingle went bonkers again and terrified children at the mother and Child club in the cafe before running off to parts unknown. All Dingles are barred from the <alt and no one from the Malt is willing to help find Belle, meanwhile inbred cousins Charity and Cain have been having sex in public places all over the village

Sadly Esme Shuttleworth wife of the legendary Archie has died aged 107 she will be missed by all at the malt

Helen Giles of the Giles Clan has achieved 15 A* Gcse's in one year, she is the brightest child the village. the village has ever seen

Wonkers Circus had a break in this week when parked up on the Robblesfield road, a lion, 2 wolves and 4 ponies have escaped and are missing please inform the police if you see them

The local Wildcat has struck again and killed on of Farmer Browns 7 month old Llamas and 2 sheep, brown took a shot at the beast but missed.

Analysis Centrals usual and unusual things about Last nights episode

1) Lack of Continuity a go go, that's like the 3rd phone that Belle's left behind since she went missing and all her relative have the numbers of all 3

2) Surely someone somehere would notice a girl constantly ranting to herself.

3) What kind of reach are the dingles mounting for Belle, half of them seem to be shagging the other half

4) I didn't belive it before but Charity was wearing the big summer coat of Pregnancy and only getting above the shoulder close up shots

5)Er Charity and Cain, charity has her own bedroom go have sex there.

6) Why was Joanie so set on sabotaging Zaks search for Belle, she spent the whole episode interfering and stopping Zak from going out and then caused him to miss the phone call

7) Dana and Nicola are fans of Quantum Leap so they get a frre pass from me

8) At this rate Dan will finally become a paramedic after doing his A Levels and going to university of August 26th 2023

9) Shut up Jimmy

10) So was all Chrissie's total bitch image change just a Front because she reverted to money throwing bad a Crying wimp instantly, folded very quickly

11) Rakesh bi of a thug isn't he as well as arsonist and thief

12) Priya dear its rakesh stealing the money, there I've ratted on him for you

13) Megan - neigh neigh whiny

14) Go with you mother Holly Vegans photo's will still be blue next week

Ways How To Kill Marlon No.17

Aaron is sweeping the floor of the Woolpack when the lanky idiot falls over the brush and fall down the cellar breaking his neck, Aaron rushes to help but electrocutes himself on the wires that Marlon pulled out trying to break his fall, both are dead.

Analysis Centrals analysis of last nights episode.

1) Lisa and Joanie played a game of one upmanship over who had the best daughter on a slab in the Morgue Story

2) Won't go into the unlikelihood of making Zak and Lisa look at the body when it so obviously wasn't Belle

3) Took them an awful long time to getting round to telling Jermaine that it wasn't Belle, were they trying t be Dermot O'leary telling Xfactor singers that they are still here?

4) And are the police going to wonder if Belle Killed this girl, her phone was nearby, she is very disturbed and in the police's eyes she has killed before.

5) Silly Robert big Gob Bernice is terrible at keeping secrets.

6) What are Liv and Lachlan upto?

7) Oh joy its the Bumbling Idiot, but why di he travel by Train to Yorkshire, surely there are quicker ways to get to Emmerdale.

8) MOira you are a wedding planner what harm could Holly taking phot's possibly do

9) Joanie burnt a Chicken how exciting pity she can't just leave now Zak doesn't really want her.

Ways how to Kill Marlon part 19

Megan asks him to do a wedding but as he is leaving a passing car blows a tyre and crashes into him.

Moira is more worried about the food and stamps her foot in frustration.

Analysis of this dreadful episode of Emmerdale and after this travesty it deserves to be Axed

So bad was this episode I will have to do the following

1) Suspend my hostile campaign against the Moron
2) Have no time to insult Ross in any way
3) Call a full truce with Aaron because I have much bigger hatred than for him.

This was by far the worst episode of TV that I have ever seem

Have the writers ever seen comedy in their lives before.

Because this was Amateur comedy night.

OK there were funny bits involving Bernice but in no way does this make up for the travesty that made up for the rest of the episode and the shitiest character ever to be in a soap

Yes The Bumbling Prize idiot has returned from attempting to make crap horror movies in real life and has come to ruin the show for ever more

The bad Horrific bits
Anything involving Paddy, how the writers, producers the actors can think anything about this hateful character funny is beyond me, the actor can't act at all in any way, he should be sacked and boycotted for life for this performance, the worst ever seen, he's been dreadful for years but this episode the Prize idiot was monumentally worse.

To start with how could the writers/paddy whatever think Rhona could possibly forgive his behaviour and how could any viewer forgive the behaviour this episode I know I can't.

The Almost as Bad bits

Any character interacting with Paddy instantly lost about 50 IQ points and became as stupid as Sam

The Moron and Carly, now carly looked nice but who wants to see the Moron like that

David making stupid crass unfunny jokes all over the place

The Reasonably good bits
Liv and Lucky with their cartoons and making fun of Chrissie and the painful cricket game was quite goodish

The Actually Good Scenes

Bernice and Chrissie was funny but in no way made up for the rest of the episode

Analysis Boss breaking in here

Much praise for Kwynne here, I thought his head was going to blow off with rage again, lets hope there are no more episode like this one eh

Ways How to Kill Paddy

1) Kwynne reaches into the TV and squashes tiny Paddy to death.

2) He stands on a rake, cuts his foot and dies of Tatanus.

3) While being a vet a herd of Llamas stampeded over and over him

4) While being a vet a rabid Llama bites him to death

5) While being a vet a lion he is treating eats him.

6) Pierce slaps him to death not hard.

7) Rhona kills him just because.

8) While flying back from Germany his fellow passengers get so angry with him they throw him out of the plane without a parachute

9) He falls on the rake from earlier and the sharp bits kill him

10)[/b] Paddy looks in a Mirror and turns to stone

11) A wicked Witch is angry with him because she wants to be the worst foulest person around so puts a spell on him and he vanishes for ever

12) Aslan the Lion bites his head off even Aslan is annoyed by Paddy.

I know that lots of viewers may have enjoyed last night's episode; I have to say I found it woeful. The Paddy/ Marlon/Pierce scenes were I think the worst thing I have ever seen in a soap. Just cringeworthy in the extreme. What were they thinking??

I know it's only a soap and flim-flam but bloody hell- credit me with a bit of savvy and intelligence. No-one would behave like that in even a semblance of real life. It was stupidly inane.
There'll be swanee whistles and odd-shaped vegetables on-screen soon.

The "fight" scene was an homage to Bridget Jones surely? Embarrassing for viewers to watch.

Brilliant analysis Kwynne, definitely in your all time top 3.

I have to go against the grain here and say that I found the Bernice/Chrissie scenes to be pretty woeful too. By the time she'd whipped out the razor and was screeching like a demented banshee I'd lost the will to live. If that had been part of a comedy plot line it might have worked, but the tone was just too jarring for me. It's going to make the rest of the story even more unbelievable.

On the other hand, I loved the delivery of Paddy's line when Carly walked in.

So kind heh

I like Paddy (I`ll get me coat!)...

Brace yourselves for a rough landing

ITV Spoilers for the week of 12 -16 Sept

I thought it was a great episode.

Somebody shoot me ...

As usual in the event of my 36th Mildstone I present

Analysis of Emmerdale Characters

1) Paddy comedy Paddy did some comedy if you can call it that Cycling, did a comedy pratfall which of course wasn't remotely funny, that's comedy for you, then he had a comedy ultimatum for the moron, Pierce or Comedy him, you couldn't comedy make it up could you except they comedy did.

Comedy Prize prat claims he has no place in the world, did you sell your share in the vets did you you effing comedy cretin

Analysis boss has said for my good health i should stop talking about Paddy for a while in case my rage blows my head off again.

2) Moron - never thought i'd have to say this but compared to the other prat the moron was the picture of sensibleness and reason this epsiode

3) Carly looks good on a bike

4) Pierce - have a shave you scruff, stop lowering the tone any more than the prat has already

5) Are ther no empty farmhouses for Cain and Charity shag in, the dales normally seems full of them.

6) Has Chrissie sewn in shoulder pads into all of Luckys shirts any wider he will be mistaken for a table

7) So Roberts stupid plot went wrong has it big surprise since it was such a stupid plan

8) Chrissie was great in the scene rumbling Robert after sending the picture shooting text.

9) MI5 definitely isn't planning to recruit Bernice.

10) So the only time Loopy Lush wants to do any work is when she isn't supposed to be working.

11) Forgetful Ashley is very easily manipulated

Ways how to kill Paddy

No13) Aliens abduct Paddy and experiment on him, they go to far and he dies.

14) A python he is treating wraps itself round him a squeezes him to death

15) He goes over a stone on his bicycle falls over the handle bars and breaks his neck

16) While riding he is squashed by a lorry

17) While riding he goes out of control and smashes into a wall like wyle coyote

18) While riding he crashes into the river and drowns.

19) The Aliens from earlier bring him back to life and then continue their experiments he dies thousands of times.

20) A serial killer abducts him, kills him, eats him and then dies of food poisoning

21) a rapid dog bites him and he dies of rabies.

weekly bulletin of the Malt Shovel

Belle Dingle is still missing despite much searching by the police and her family, a girl matching her description was found dead on Hot Nigel street in Hotten town centre this proved not to be Belle but another runaway called Ruby Tuesday from Manchester, her family have been told.

The Malt is planning to hold its four yearly art competition this Saturday anyone who wants to paint a picture whill be served cakes and a variety of drinks. Winner gets to go to the tate Modern in London with a weekend away.

A 6 month old Jaguar cub was found near the barton farm this week leading to fears the local wildcats are breading out of control again, this followed the deaths of 3 Llamas on the Browns farm.

The Malt came 2nd in the Yorkshire pub of the year completion so well done the malt.

I was thinking of starting a I love Paddy club, anyone interested?

Yes. Paddy and Marlon are probably my favourite characters these days, since KO brought in all the rubbish ones that don't suit the programme.

I'll join the club too

Not me. The whole episode was dire and the so-called Paddy humour was worse than that in my daughter's primary school panto!

I never liked Paddy much, but now I loathe him. Mind you, I don't think much of the two squatters - Rhona and Piece - either.

If this episode is an example of the new producer's abilities, god help us all!
Last edited by HOAddict : 01-09-2016 at 14:10

1. That was so stupid. Emmerdale needs to lay off the comedy

2. They are making Paddy look bad

3. Carly always looks good

4. No, his scruff is what makes him look hot

5. Farm houses are for killing not smashing

6. Naw, Lachlan has gotten on Andy's workout plan

7. Robert should just call his craig's list hit man and have him kill Chrissie

8. No she wasn't, Marnie off Hollyoaks is a more convincing actress.

9. What is MI5?

And stop killing Paddy Couldn't you focus your killing on Chrissie?

5) According to Emmerdale half the farm building in the dales are ruins or empty

8) I've been watching Marnie off Hollyoaks since she was in 3 up 2 down many years ago

9) MI5 is the home version of MI6 James Bond's real life chums who look after foreign lands a mixture of the FBI and the CIA

I can always go back to killing Aaron if you wish.

8. And even her cartoonish Alexis Carrington imitation is better than Chrissie

and No killing Aaron or Paddy You know its almost as if you hate everyone close to Aaron

Analysis of Last nights episode

1) Have they got out of synch with episodes, 2nd part started on a different day to the first and it looked like the end cliffhanger was the mid point of a thursday double.

2) Oi Dingles have you forgotten about Belle already, don't seem in any hurry to find her

3) Charity is easily pleased isn't she, she was so pleased with herself sending that text so Moira would find them.

4) Father of Park brat, tell your brat to keep her hands off other peoples cake.

5) Laurel how is it to late to call an ambulance, call them now you berk

6) Harriet would be a much better partner for Ashley

7) Comedy Rish at the hospital was quite funny

8) Lachlan was in full bitter mode shouting at everybody in sight

9) Chrissie your son hates you

10) Robert and Crybaby, all your plans have failed have you got anything else.

11) Poor Liv

12) Shut up you Prize idiot prat

13) Rhona don't give that prat the time of day

14) The Moron is still oddly the sensible one.

Ways how to ikill Paddy

Part 22) He is locked in a room with only the sound of his own voice, naturally he dies of shock.

No23) Paddy is crushed by a piano was being moved and was high in the air when it fell

No) 24) He is killed by a drone crashing into him

No.25) He is licked to death by a Llama

No 26) A herd of Llama's mistake him for a dog and stampede all over him.

No.27) He walks into a battle reenactment of Marston Moor and is killed by a stray cannon ball.

I used to like Paddy, but the writers seem to have forgotten that he is a fully qualified and respected vet. He has been successfully working in Germany as a vet for 6 months.

He has a share in Emmerdale's vet practice and he owns the house Rhona and Pierce have set up home in. Instead of acting the idiot he should be re-establishing himself as the senior partner in the practice and telling Rhona that he will be moving back in and that Pierce needs to find somewhere else to live.

He was completely in the wrong but he has apologised. That's not to say that I think Rhona should take him back but she needs to accept that he has rights too. But acting like a fool is not going to do it.

On another note. I like Lucky and Liv.

Joanie's being set up for a fall, when Zak returns to Lisa.


Cremated, more like. Symbolic of her & Zak's love burning out!?



I agree. The Bernice/Chrissie scenes were every bit as bad as Kwynne's 'Bad Horrific' bits.


Actually, Robert's plan delivered the goods and exposed Chrissie for what she is. We can now infer that Chrissie sent Donny to his death knowingly. How else would she have known that Robert's messages to Lachlan were not from his Dad? Robert then had all the information he needed to drop into Lachlan's ears the fact that his Mother was instrumental in the killing of his Father.


Paddy has been an excellent character, and can be so again.


The Paddy/Marlon 'humour' was dire, but see above.


5. She wanted to maximise her opportunities for caterwauling.

6. Yes, but she would have been too good for him. He deserves Laurel

10. Points 8 & 9 illustrate that Robert's plans have worked quite well, but in a slightly different way to how he imagined.


Paddy will come good in the end, I'm sure of it!