If enough people want next weeks spoilers from Soaplife I will provide them if really necessary , goodness knows where the ITV spoilers have gone.

Soaplife Spoilers for the week of Mon 28 Nov - 2 Dec ( yes your not seeing thing december already)



With just a tidge of me

Analysis of Emmerdale character short version because I can't be bothered to put any effort into this shite episode

Worst episode in a very long time, Fancy dress party, all episode sing a longs come back all is forgiven.

1) The hatefulness of Kerry is now so great that she is going onto the death list and will now never get out again, even a big book of 300 ways to kill won't be enough for this dreadful character and Emmerdale's worst Actor, heck even Aaron can cry well

Silly cow couldn't break into a cash box, why didn't she try and take it with her

2) Rebecca got round Lawrence and got him to stop the evictions.

3) Chrissie has gone from her cleopatra phase straight to dressing like a cave man

4) The Less said about Bernice, Jimmy and Nicola the better.

5) The Management at the factory get stupider by the episode.

See told you it would be short

Ways how to Kill Kerry part 1.

Kerry dies from complications of her Diabetes after drinking loads of Alcohol and eating loads of sweets in the factory.

Part 2) The actress is fired for crimes against acting and Kerry just vanishes one day and is never mentioned again

There. I feel I've made some improvements, here and there...

Hooray!!

Kwynne; I think that Hot Ross and Aaron should come OFF your kill list ; and Kerry be ON at the very top!!

It is getting a bit crowded on the list, the monthly list review is coming up, maybe someone will get off then, Paddy maybe.

No, keep him on it

Analysis of Emmerdale Characters

For the first time in a very long time I didn't want to watch an Episode of Emmerdale and my fast forward trigger button finger is very Itchy. and its all Kerry fault, well a bit of Dian's fault but mainly Kerry

She has taken away an enjoyment from the show.

1) Kerry - such a Horrible despicable character, she now is officially worse than her long unlamented gone daughter Amy is terms of badness. In terms of bad acting and character Laura NortonKerry is very close to being as bad as Danny Miller/Aaron, very close indeed. I once I won't go into all the despicable things she did because they were all as bad.

2) Jai call the police, ignore your idiot father

Sidebar
Is it legal or sensible to have CCTV inside the factory and Jai aren't you going to be embarrassed next time you shag someone on the floor.

3) Rishi knowledge of employment law isn't at all good is it?

4) Diane - now on to that other ruiner of the episode, There is a reason why Diane is normally kept to the background or off screen altogether for 4 months of the year and that's because the actress can't act and the character is rubbish. Why did she shout at Rebecca sho had just got your house back why does she keep shrieking.

5) Shut up Doug

6) Rebecca great character, breath of fresh air and possible saviour of the show, fancies Robert massively

7) Robert took ages to reject Rebecca.

8) Aaron attempts at portraying jealousy was hilarious and a massive fail.

9) Jimmy was in the episode.

10) Gabby has spent years fooling Bernice she is a vegan, who do we think suffered from that arrangement eh Gabby.

11) Bernice thinks she a bad mother and she would be right

12) Frank who actually cares about his story

13) My new HD (and if surprised by that) TV doesn't do Megan any favour at all.

14) Tracy - was grateful she was on the screen with all the rest of the shite around her.

Ways how to Kill Kerry

No.3) Its all a dream and Kerry doesn't exist except in the fevered dream of Stuart Blackburn.

NO.4) Llama's stomp her to death

No.5) Jai slip arsenic into her beers and she dies slowly but surely.

Yay

Analysis of last night extremely poorly acted episode by just about everyone

Word of the day for this episode iis

POOR

1) Working with Kerry and Diane has brought the standard of acting down rather than raised up Toad of Toad hall and Diane actor work as i'm sure Ex Hollyoaks had hoped

2) Lawrence dear stop leaving you shotgun around for people who want to shoot members to find, Lock it up since that is the Law. Meanwhile was he drunk when he came in with the gun, it certainly looked like it. And Lawrence your also not supposed to be walking around with a loaded gun in the house,.

3) So which of Dian or Lachlan was Chrissie lying to, actress really can't do crying or looking terrified can she, she merely looked a bit constipated when Diane fired the gun with a single tearsticked tear ran down her face when talking to Diane. Liked how she dropped the Andy tried to kill Robert Bomb into the talk

4) Diane - awful, dreadful acting from the Actress, Ex Hollyoaks needs to put her back into the background or reinstitute Kate Oates idea of sending her on holiday for 4 months of the year. Not sure what she had against Robert mourning her real mums death

And Diane i'm sure Sarah would be far more cross about being murdered by your beloved Andy than anything Robert has done

5) Looks like Home Farm has finally been connected and receiving ITV since Lucky was watching Emmerdale at the same time as the rest of us was.

6) Robert dump Crybaby he and his misery will only break you down, he shows Human emotions over his mum

7) Jimmy Nicola, Bernice and Rodney don't care what they do/

8) Toad of Toad Hall besides the shocking acting and character behaviour why is Dull Dan still trying to look after Toad

9) Megan dear its definitely an understatement to say Declan was a bit violent

10) Fank leave now you boring twong, get off screen or i'll tell the sheriff of Notingham where you are

110 You tell her Jai, but shouldn't you be more concerned with the factory.

11) Doug had something useful to say, who knew

Ways how to get Ex Hollyoaks sacked No.3

Tell ITV he's about to defect to Eastenders and steal most of the cast

Weekly Bulletin of the Malt Shovel

Thee sheep have been attacked this week by the wildcat believed to be a panther that has been stalking the Area. Lawrence White of Home farm managed to fire a shot at the beast but it got away.

It was the open day at the Malt this week

And Farmer Giles has purchased 25 LLama's for his herd.

Yes it really was that exciting in Emmerdale this week.

Analysis of Emmerdale Character.

Much better episodes

1) Rebecca - great character although some posters seem to think she evil because she is tackling the wrongdoings of Chrissie and sweet talking Lachlan into telling the truth, although she does has a bad taste in hats. Explain to me one thing she has done that has been in the actual wrong

2)Chrissie still attempting to cover things up and look after her own interests

3) Lawrence somewhat despairing of his family but why call Ronnie.

4) Lachlan finally comes clean beut didn't think the cover up thing though she his self defence claims likely to be ignored

5) Did Lachlan really need an appropriate adult as well as a solicitor at 16?

6) DS Mudd the only competent copper ever seen in Hotten

7) Megan had a good feed of Hay and Carrots in a posh Stable.

8) Bobby might just make Frank vaguely interesting.

9) Its official Kerry has reached total annoyingness and alienated every character and like that last 4 times this has occured her diabetes will play up she will go blind, collapse and/or go into a coma after which everyone will feel sorry for her and she will be forgiven.

10) Doug was right for once

11) SHut up Diane

12) Liv - did she deliberately spill the custard on Rhona and she is the only person in the village who can use the Internet

13)Pierce - how was that food still hot as Pierce claimed wasn't Liv taking away the lettovers

14) Rhona oH great is Rhona about to become addicted again does this mean i'm going to hate her again like last time.

15) The bumbling idiot was idiotic

16) The Sharma's too idiotic to be allowed to run a factory call in the administrators immediately

Analysis of Emmerdale Characters

1) Oh dear they have only gone a given Brenda a storyline, typically dreadful at that.

2) Please Emmerdale don't ruin Carly by having her with Brenda, she already has to survive being paired with the Gormless Moron.

Sidebar Vic and Carly have gone hair Dark is that because the very blond Rebecca has arrived/

3 )Eric - will those lights still be working after being in the loft all this time

4) Liv has become a rather good character. She see's a bit of her father in Pierce which is why she's causing him trouble, what was she doing in the cellar to get that dirty and why didn't she take her uniform off before she stated cleaning.

5) Pierce has very short temper in deed, type to throw things, not sure why he left though, good storyline though

6) Rhona when Pierce scared her, she went to find her one true love

7) Paddy - hate to say this but Paddy is quite good at the moment

8) Victoria - what do you even see in that lazy idiot dump him, go have a baby with a nice man

9) Tarzan of the JUngle should stay there.

10 Belle wrote in a book and took the dog for a walk bit of a come down for the actress after she breakdown storyline and Allie isn't it.

11) Dr Bailey - leave we viewers see no purpose for you.

WAys how to kill Joanie Part 6

Joanie is outside when the local wildcat mistakes her for a sheep and rips her throat out and she dies and partially eaten.

I have answered your points

I don't like Moira and Cain. She can do better, but looks like she is stuck with him despite Emma's lunacy.

Too bad Lachlan isn't locked up for life. I will never forgive what he did to our Alicia. I hope Natalie comes back one day.

Analysis of Last night Episodes general subjects

The Factory

1) An extra was given a name during the factory meeting, I assumed it would be her given the boot, now she has a name will she become an actual Character or will we never here about her again.

2) Jai is a terrible boss isn't he? when exactly did he become the boss again anyway.

3) Don't think you can just impose zero hour contracts if you had a contract anyway.

4 You certainly can't hold a ballot of staff members to choose who will go on zero hours

5) Did Joanie use this situation to get her and Zak out of the village

6) Though someone would have accused Belle of writing Joanie name but they didn't

7) )Isn't laurel already working Casually part time and always has?

Paddy, Rhona and Pierce equilateral triangle

8) Paddy did a despicable thing of tricking Pierce to come to the hospital/ITV Headquarters by claiming she was ill again.

9) Still showed his continued unexpected recent usefulness by helping Pierce and Rhona get back together by giving Pierce a good talking to.

10 What an awful person Tess must have been she has really messed Pierce up didn't she

11) Bet Pierce soon forgets about counselling.

12) Rhona took back Pierce is she bonkers bet she eventually comes to regret it

Other Random events

13) The sooner the talentless personality free Adam and his actor disappears into the Jungle the better, dreadful just Dreadful, Hope a Koala sits on his head.

14) Victoria is a shining star

15) Emma is self medication bet that goes well

16) The inquest is here oh joy court scenes the worst sort of scene.

Ways how to kill Joanie Part 7

Joanie's red pen was covered in Poison, she dies horribly and slowly.

Its amazing ITV spoilers remember that Emmerdale still exists

ITV spoilers for the week of 5 -9th December

Analysis of Emmerdale Characters

1) Pierce - has really bad mummy and abandonment issue and he has sisters who kept getting nits, no wonder he is so messed up, nits would do that to anyone.

2) Rhona playing the very helpful girlfriend

3) The Counsellor - did she seriously just sit back and expect Pierce to talk, no questions or deciding what Pierce should talk about?

I think the idea of talking about stuff with a stranger would be scarier than not talking to them for shy and insecure people who find the idea of talking to strangers scary at the best of times

4) Belle quit the Factory, called her boyfriend a moron and called her father a for lying all for the sake of her mental health, might I suggest a better course of Action Belle, Dump Jermaine who when you met him lead to your breakdown.

Sad that everyone thought Belle had voted for Joanie.

5) Joanie - so the first thing she did when she spotted a diary or rather Belle's mental Health Journal was to read it? - really Joanie that is unforgivable even though I agreed with most of the things she said to Zak

6) Jermaine - support Belle don't call her a liar.

7) Zak Joanie was right he did put Belle under intolerable strain and pressure and was wrong kissing Liaa, lets hope they Split up and Joane dies falling in a cess pit at the Barton farm.

8) The Unnamable injury Faker was especially nasty this episode

9) Way to support you staff Priya

10) Emma Typical thieving junkie

11) Leyla - nosy much Leyla.

12) The Barton boys seem to have forgotten altogether their taxi form and disapproved of their mothers actions

13) Megan - rather aggressive towards Frank wasn't she, all he did was behave in the way you would have expected him to.

14) Tracy - Oh great a party is imminent we haven't had one of those for at least 3 episodes.

Ways how to Kill Joanie

part 8 Looking for another argument with Zak, she goes to the Barton Farm but falls in the Cess pit and drowns.

Weekly Bulletin of the Malt Shovel

Due to many complaints particularly from Malt customers the council's Licensing Authority has stripped barton Taxi's of the right to operate as a taxi firm, many cabs haven't tuned up and people have been shocked at how Ross barton has been continiously rude to them. Finn Barton has appealed the decision.

Lachlan White is on remand in Hotten Jail for Shooting his grandfather with a shotgun which is it believed he framed Andy Sugden for, Andy is missing and can't be reached, and Lachlan's mother Chrissie refused to comment to the Malt.

3 Llama's have died after waste from the Sharma factory got into the water supply of Farmer Giles farm, THe RSPCA and the Environment agency are investigating and the Sharma may be subject to a hug fine in found guilty, The Sharma are already under investigation of paying less than Minimum wage to staff and force people onto zero hour contacts.

Analysis of Emmerdale Characters

1) The Coroner, not sure an inquest is entirely like that and I rather doubt Pete can just decide that witness can pick or choose whether to come to court or not.

2) Emma - Some tremendously spectacular lying from her in court. Of course she could genuinely believe he did kill himself maybe that the only way she can get her read round why he didn't want to be with her, totally bonkers of course but we already knew she is. She made is sound so realistic of course her sons believed her. She is likely going to be even worse now harriet has given her permission to forgive herself as seen in her hugging Moira and telling everyone to come together.

3) Has Moira been lying in the sahara for a month, she is so incredibly brown. She looked really terrified when Emma hugged her

4) Adumb really really living up to his nickname this episode. Then again he proved how stupid he was by listening to his agent and going in the Jungle.

5) The Barton brothers - incredibly easily leas aren't they, the scene stealing Moses is cleverer and more streetwise than all of them put together

6) April - good to see her

7)The Galloping Gormless Moron, pity that cream didn't burn his face off and kill him

8) Carly dear what do you see in the Moron? a rat Brenda to the police like she did you the hypocritical cow.

9) Brena dear go stick you head in some face cream for a long time.

10 Frank is a right wrong un played by a terrible actor which is why I was on Bobby's side even though i'm not sure Emmerdale would have wanted me to be.

11) Poor Booby what an Evil swine Frank is go on punch him a few more times.

12) Ack Joanie vile woman

13) Do us a favour Zak and take Joanie far far away.

14) Belle finding change hard.

Ways How to Kill The Moron

Part 39 Brenda slips a bit of extra umpghh into the face cream which burns Morons face right off and he dies of shock

Ways How to Kill Joanie

Part 9 Joanie is leaving the village but Bobby who is trying to kill Frank runs her over by Mistake.

Marlons expiry above is pure X-rated.

All I have to add is this :
Goodbye, joanie

ITV Spoiler for 12-16 December

Analysis of last nights episode

1) A soap character went to the toilet that wasn't in a pub, this never happens.

2) Moira dumped the caravan with Cain in it the a field that had only just been harvested - in November

3) Moira moving the Caravan with Cain in it was hilarious

4) Why is Moira in the thrall of Emma.

5) And Cain in the underpants is very urggghh

6)Why are Tracy and Vanessa shocked that Frank is a lying criminal haven't they known that all along

7) Thought at first that policeman was a fake sent by Frank to foll his daughters, or sent by Booby to get Bobby's money back

8) No wonder April is shocked that Carly and Moron haven't moved in yet, usually by this stage of a Moronic relationship, they have moved in together, got married and the girl would have been cheating on him by now.

9) Kasim is staying in a Coma so he can avoid meeting Boring Finn.

10 Lawrence is incredibly one note isn't he he has ordered Rebecca out of the house at least once a week since she arrived, Lawrence dear she's only still here because you keep changing your mind.

11) Rebecca was like oh not this crap again.

Ways how to Kill Marlon part 40

Marlon crashes into a Caravan left in the middle of the road his car flips and lands on the top of Joanie killing both her and Marlon instantly

There. Thats a little better , I think...

Lol even the life-support machine will pull its own plug, after having to put up day after day with that miserable frustrated guy that is Finn, the spinster of Emmerdale

analysis of Emmerdale episode

Kwynne unlike most people it seems didn't think that episode was that bad.

Cliche and other things people might deem as bad writing.

1) I thought the botched robbery was hilarious if a bit silly on the parts of eager Rebecca and a very reluctant Robert

2) Rebecca looked very nice in the glasses and not entirely convincing disguise

3) Rebecca's plan was rubbish and was never going to come off but i'd harly call it bad writing as some has.

4) They don't seem to have improved security much since Andy escaped have they

5) Every scene with Robshite is always awful so why would people think the writing was bad this episode, Aarsewipe actor is so shockingly bad at acting all dialogue is going to sound awful no matter how good the writers are or not.

6) Rebecca wormed her way back into Home farm and Chrissie's sympathy by playing the Robert is awful card, does she mean it or is this another con to undermine Chriissie

7) An all white alliance to break up Robshite would be brilliant.

8) Why is Vanessa so angry all the time she getting as bad as Corrie's Anna.

9) Megan you also forgot to mention Declan covering up murders and committing actual murders.

10) Frank go away now

11) tracy - Your relatives are awful.

12) Yuck to David having Star named after him so Corny

13) Who roots around in rubbish bags other than Soap characters, people in real life don't do that if they can possibly avoid it, who knows what secrets you would find in real life if they looked in the bins like in soap.

14) Belle acting sisterly who knew.