How can you deal with a Harry?

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wotnot

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by Skyrah:
“Now after finding a man who actually loves me for who I am, warts and all, I am in a much better place. We've been together for 2 years now, took a lot of work on his part to break down the barriers & his love for me is unconditional.
Now I am planning to move to the States (hopefully next year) to be with him.

.”

Wonderful, congratulations

pugamo

08-07-2015

I can see Harrys behavior in myself too. It stems from frustration from feeling like you're not being listened to. But Nick is right, they cant listen to her because she won't open up.

Jennyloo

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by wotnot:
“I think that she should leave you. You have just asked for relationship advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet and painted a wholy unattractive portrait of your partner expecting sympathy. Well you don't deserve it, that's a terrible way to treat anyone!

I wonder how different your partner's version of events would be! ”

I hate these pompous posts. Stop lecturing.

Penelope_Pitst1

08-07-2015

I would run away as fast as I could. Life is just too short for that kind of drama. Harry is too needy, too demanding too manipulative and has too many issues There is a world of women out there who simply have much more positivity and stability. Harry is just too much like hard work. Who needs it?

wotnot

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by Jennyloo:
“I hate these pompous posts. Stop lecturing.”

And I just hate these wannabe a hero posts

stomachulcer

08-07-2015

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_...lay_%28book%29

"In reality, the "winner" of a mind game is the person that returns to the Adult ego-state first."

Dave_62

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by brad_reg:
“In my real life there is a Harry.

I'm seriously asking for how to deal with situations. It feels like they cant be reasoned with.

They tell you what's wrong, and if you try to find a solution they scupper every attempt.
If you get into a disagreement they sulk and don't reasonably work things out.
If you have an argument they go off point, strop, yell, become childish.

If you dare to say they are being unreasonable or that maybe they could look at something another way they reply sarcastically with "oh yeah, its my fault, Im unreasonable, i admit it, you win again" - which in reality means you have come no closer to solving the issue.

They will challenge you by making unreasonable demands, if you comply you get an easier life for a bit, if you say no, they blackmail by saying "you know that if you don't do this for me YOU will cause me to get grumpy.

When in an argument I try to be constructive and work things out but their intention seems to be to make you feel bad.

Hard to explain, but you have all seen Harrys more difficult side, how would you deal with similar sorts of behaviours?”

Simple answer to a complex situation......get rid. Don't waste your time.

brad_reg

08-07-2015

I was not asking the question in a way to promote myself or gain sympathy. I work hard on my relationship with this person and struggle against the odds to look after her.
It is precisely because you are strangers that I am asking you because I don't want to paint that picture of her to people in our real life.

qwerty_1234

08-07-2015

I think it's evident from Harry's behaviour that she has been hurt in the past and now, because she is naturally a mistrusting person, all of these things are a defense mechanism.

I don't think her behaviour makes her a bad person. She has a lot of positive traits - she stands up for what she believes in, even if it goes against something she's previously said. I think she can articulate herself very well when she wants to, it's her "oh nobody listens to me" and shouting that can make people switch off and not take her seriously.

As I said, that seems to be a defense mechanism and in time, I think that would fade. It's not our place to say, but I think that she quite enjoys being misunderstood and outspoken and she has various situations which she uses to her advantage to bring this out (her job for example, the situation with Nick, her "wife). I don't think it's an act - I genuinely think that she's a fascinating, complex character but ultimately, she isn't harmful or malicious. Her negative traits are that she is stubborn and sometime hypocritical - but she openly admits that and to me, seems to justify it quite well. I just wish that she wasn't quite so self-pitying as it then becomes hard to sympathize with her - she come across as an attention seeker which I don't think she is.

JanisElizabeth

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by qwerty_1234:
“I think it's evident from Harry's behaviour that she has been hurt in the past and now, because she is naturally a mistrusting person, all of these things are a defense mechanism.

I don't think her behaviour makes her a bad person. She has a lot of positive traits - she stands up for what she believes in, even if it goes against something she's previously said. I think she can articulate herself very well when she wants to, it's her "oh nobody listens to me" and shouting that can make people switch off and not take her seriously.

As I said, that seems to be a defense mechanism and in time, I think that would fade. It's not our place to say, but I think that she quite enjoys being misunderstood and outspoken and she has various situations which she uses to her advantage to bring this out (her job for example, the situation with Nick, her "wife). I don't think it's an act - I genuinely think that she's a fascinating, complex character but ultimately, she isn't harmful or malicious. Her negative traits are that she is stubborn and sometime hypocritical - but she openly admits that and to me, seems to justify it quite well. I just wish that she wasn't quite so self-pitying as it then becomes hard to sympathize with her - she come across as an attention seeker which I don't think she is.”

That's what I really dislike about her.

flower 2

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by qwerty_1234:
“I think it's evident from Harry's behaviour that she has been hurt in the past and now, because she is naturally a mistrusting person, all of these things are a defense mechanism.

I don't think her behaviour makes her a bad person. She has a lot of positive traits - she stands up for what she believes in, even if it goes against something she's previously said. I think she can articulate herself very well when she wants to, it's her "oh nobody listens to me" and shouting that can make people switch off and not take her seriously.

As I said, that seems to be a defense mechanism and in time, I think that would fade. It's not our place to say, but I think that she quite enjoys being misunderstood and outspoken and she has various situations which she uses to her advantage to bring this out (her job for example, the situation with Nick, her "wife). I don't think it's an act - I genuinely think that she's a fascinating, complex character but ultimately, she isn't harmful or malicious. Her negative traits are that she is stubborn and sometime hypocritical - but she openly admits that and to me, seems to justify it quite well. I just wish that she wasn't quite so self-pitying as it then becomes hard to sympathize with her - she come across as an attention seeker which I don't think she is.”

Sometimes just behaving the way she does can be damaging to those that are close to her, the stress it brings is very harmful.

qwerty_1234

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by flower 2:
“Sometimes just behaving the way she does can be damaging to those that are close to her, the stress it brings is very harmful.”

You are right. I think there is a difference between intentionally causing stress and harm to a person by your actions (I think Marc and Helen do this) and stress being a reaction to your behaviour. Harry has said numerous times that she just wants to be left alone, and I think she knows that she can stress people out with how she acts so she isolates herself in order to try and reduce that effect. Obviously her doing that still does stress some people out (Nick) but I think it's more reactional than intentional.

wotnot

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by brad_reg:
“I was not asking the question in a way to promote myself or gain sympathy. I work hard on my relationship with this person and struggle against the odds to look after her.
It is precisely because you are strangers that I am asking you because I don't want to paint that picture of her to people in our real life.”

My words may have seemed harsh but I felt your post a tad inappropriate, you are asking people to help you but they can't possibly know the whole story without having your partners side of the story. You see I feel that Harry is just a bit sensitive, immature and needy at times but a lovely genuine and caring girl whereas I think Nick is a manipulative sneak (though I am sure you are not). I just feel it a bit unhealthy is all.

flower 2

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by qwerty_1234:
“You are right. I think there is a difference between intentionally causing stress and harm to a person by your actions (I think Marc and Helen do this) and stress being a reaction to your behaviour. Harry has said numerous times that she just wants to be left alone, and I think she knows that she can stress people out with how she acts so she isolates herself in order to try and reduce that effect. Obviously her doing that still does stress some people out (Nick) but I think it's more reactional than intentional.”

I agree, I don't think the BB house is a good place for her to face her 'issues' tho.

brad_reg

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by wotnot:
“My words may have seemed harsh but I felt your post a tad inappropriate, you are asking people to help you but they can't possibly know the whole story without having your partners side of the story. You see I feel that Harry is just a bit sensitive, immature and needy at times but a lovely genuine and caring girl whereas I think Nick is a manipulative sneak (though I am sure you are not). I just feel it a bit unhealthy is all.”

I understand what you mean. I cant stand the way Nick behaves with her and have seen what he is up to from the start.

Harry is not all bad, I do see that and I sympathize with the positions she has been put in a number of times. Especially when people ignore her correct points and walk over her.

The reason for my post in here was a genuine concern that I sometimes don't know what to do for the best. The way I see Harry handle certain situations and the way there seems to be no way to reason with her reminds me of my situation.

As suggested I could just leave but that is not what I am looking for.

Dave_62

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by brad_reg:
“I understand what you mean. I cant stand the way Nick behaves with her and have seen what he is up to from the start.

Harry is not all bad, I do see that and I sympathize with the positions she has been put in a number of times. Especially when people ignore her correct points and walk over her.

The reason for my post in here was a genuine concern that I sometimes don't know what to do for the best. The way I see Harry handle certain situations and the way there seems to be no way to reason with her reminds me of my situation.

As suggested I could just leave but that is not what I am looking for.”

How many years are you got going to give her to change? You asked and the harsh truth is, in all likelihood, you're going to get rid or live in misery. Life's to short.

Heartache

08-07-2015

Originally Posted by qwerty_1234:
“You are right. I think there is a difference between intentionally causing stress and harm to a person by your actions (I think Marc and Helen do this) and stress being a reaction to your behaviour. Harry has said numerous times that she just wants to be left alone, and I think she knows that she can stress people out with how she acts so she isolates herself in order to try and reduce that effect. Obviously her doing that still does stress some people out (Nick) but I think it's more reactional than intentional.”

Well she certainly seemed to be getting some perverted pleasure by causing stress in the show last night,with some of the HM's.

wotnot

08-07-2015

Sent you a message

Bowdon

08-07-2015

You have to put Your opinion to them, if they start messing about then don't engage.

vald

08-07-2015

If you want help there is plenty of information out there on the net. There are probably support groups as well. Check out information on 'living with a person with borderline personality disorder'. If it applies to you it could help. If not then I'm not sure what you're dealing with and you might need to seek out professional help.

BTW I think Nick copes with her pretty well. He is able to separate the person (I like you) from the behaviour (I don't like the way you behaved just then). He acknowledges that she can't help the way she feels but does not give his approval to her more extreme views and behaviour.

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