I thought Daniel was slightly better.

That is right Daniel!

I'm fully expecting comments about Georgia's left little toe being out of place etc. when you finally get round to marking her and give her a 2.

Although given Kellie has done both EastEnders AND The Archers, she may be wallowing in Danny 1s.

My mark will be entirely based on the dancing. My comment... not so much.

Haha 2? For a little toe being out of place? I'm not THAT forgiving!!

And being on the Archers is neither here nor there to me! I don't judge writers and actors for their quality of serial radio dramas about farming! There's only so many avenues they can explore before Bessie the Cow goes on a murderous rampage, so it's hardly their fault they have three weeks of shows on the difficulty of replacing cattle grids... (Or whatever it is they do, it's been about 10 years since I last half paid attention to the Archers because it just happened to be on...)

Showtime imminently.

Here we go again…

Yesterday, six of this year’s couples came under the scrutiny of our panel of four judges as the series got off to a flying start. This time round they’ve got nine couples to feast their eyes on with more ‘dance to something vaguely connected to you’, Anton doing ‘steps’ (he may have had a partner, I’m unsure) and Janette Manrara continuing her particular train of ‘party Latin’ choreography. Despite my cynicism, I did actually enjoy it.

Anyway, let’s have a look at what our judging panel made of the second batch of celebs!

Starting proceedings were Jay and Aliona…

Jay McGuiness and Aliona Vilani dancing the Cha Cha Cha to ‘Reach Out, I’ll Be There’ (Human Nature)

Craig – 5
Darcey – 8
Len – 7
Bruno – 7
Total: 27

Will our judges reach out and be there to give Jay a credible first score?

Andrew – 5
Nick – 5
Queenie – 6
Ross – 6
Total: 22

Andrew: You were as stiff as an old crutch and not a fan of Aliona's choreography. Not bad but not great either.

If I were Jay, I probably wouldn’t be reaching out for our judges when all of his hope is gone, because they’ve given him…

FIVE MARKS FEWER

Let’s see how Kirsty and Brendan fared…

Kirsty Gallacher and Brendan Cole dancing the Waltz to ‘Vincent’ (Don McLean)

Craig – 4
Darcey – 5
Len – 6
Bruno – 5
Total: 20

Do you remember when Brendan positively ignored Sunetra at times despite her being a better dancer? Yep…

Andrew – 4
Nick – 5
Queenie – 5
Ross – 5
Total: 19

Ross: A Valium, and that could've been a 7. Nerves crippled you, which was a shame, because you hit some beautiful lines. Ballroom could be good in the future, so it's good you have a... oh. A Salsa next week. Well, good luck!

Far from a starry, starry night as they receive…

ONE MARK LESS

Onto our next couple, Jeremy and Karen…

Jeremy Vine and Karen Clifton dancing the Cha Cha Cha to ‘September’ (Earth, Wind and Fire)

Craig – 2
Darcey – 6
Len – 6
Bruno – 5
Total: 19

Did that Cha Cha Cha light up our judges’ September?

Andrew – 2
Nick – 4
Queenie – 4
Ross – 4
Total: 14

Ross: ...10/10 for gusto, I'll say that. Your hips were doing something very strange, and your footwork was practically unrecognisable as a Cha-Cha-Cha, but I will admit that it was entertaining, so... yeah. Well done?

Quite a swing away from his original score, as Jeremy receives…

FIVE MARKS FEWER

Up next, it’s Georgia and Giovanni…

Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice dancing the Jive to ‘Dear Future Husband’ (Meghan Trainor)

Craig – 6
Darcey – 7
Len – 7
Bruno – 7
Total: 27

I’d make a joke about ‘future husband’/showmance, but I refuse to stoop to Tess’ level…

Andrew – 6
Nick – 6
Queenie – 8
Ross – 7
Total: 27

Nick: Whilst I'm not someone who gets moist over the thought of Georgia, I did enjoy the dance and thought it was a good week 1 Jive. (Kiss was unnecessary though)

Naughty Nick throwing a little hint of shade in his comment there. I approve.

MATCH THEIR SCORE

With their Tango, it’s Ainsley and Natalie…

Ainsley Harriott and Natalie Lowe dancing the Tango to ‘Voulez Vous’ (ABBA)

Craig – 4
Darcey – 5
Len – 6
Bruno – 5
Total: 20

I’m just going to take this moment to comment on what GODAWFUL judge Darcey is. Let’s hope our lot do better…

Andrew – 5
Nick – 5
Queenie – 5
Ross – 5
Total: 20

Nick: Your facial expressions are just lovely, your postures a bit crap but I don't care as your Salsa's going to be amazing.

A-ha! That makes Ainsley and Natalie the second couple in a row to…

MATCH THEIR SCORE

They’ve been dominating the headlines on this sub-forum, it’s Katie and Anton…

Katie Derham and Anton Du Beke dancing the Jive to ‘Roll Over Beethoven’ (Chuck Berry)

Craig – 6
Darcey – 6
Len – 7
Bruno – 7
Total: 26

Is Ross going to roll over and pant like a dog for that Jive? Probably.

Andrew – 5
Nick – 6
Queenie – 6
Ross – 8
Total: 25

Queenie: Dear Mrs Violin, please, please, please tell your buffoon of a partner to stop making everything about him all the time. We get it, you’re not a big fat, wooden pensioner, but you’re hardly the next Ginger Rogers either. Being paired with Anton is probably going to work to your favour, because you’ll make it about two weeks further then you would have done otherwise – but it’s a shame that his choreography and overdancing is going to make me rip my hair out.

Nothing I say can possibly compete with the above comment, so…

ONE MARK LESS

Our final Tango of the round comes courtesy of Iwan and Ola…

This'll be interesting!

Iwan Thomas and Ola Jordan dancing the Tango to ‘Keep on Running’ (Spencer Davis Group)

Craig – 3
Darcey – 5
Len – 5
Bruno – 4
Total: 17

Is that Tango the start of a brilliant run through the series for Iwan?

So much for marking on the f*cking dancing Ross.

Andrew – 3
Nick – 4
Queenie – 4
Ross – 3
Total: 14

Ross: A lack of rehearsal, and oh look! That looked unrehearsed. Poor footwork, poor frame, simplified choreography and a lack of performance. With more practice, you could improve, but this was just disappointing.

Next time it might be for the best if Iwan keeps running all the way out off the dancefloor…

THREE MARKS FEWER

One of the most controversial contestants of the series next, it’s Jamelia and Tristan…

Jamelia and Tristan MacManus dancing the Waltz to ‘Do Right Woman, Do Right Man’ (Aretha Franklin)

Craig – 4
Darcey – 6
Len – 6
Bruno – 5
Total: 21

Did the woman do that Waltz right for our judges?

Andrew – 5
Nick – 6
Queenie – 6
Ross – 6
Total: 23

Nick: Superstar Jamelia! Thank you Jamelia as there's something about you. You were club hopping and you got it so good!

Clearly the woman was doing something right as she improves by…

TWO MARKS MORE

Finally, it’s Peter and Janette…

Peter Andre and Janette Manrara dancing the Cha Cha Cha to ‘Ain’t No Other Man’ (Christina Aguilera)

Craig – 7
Darcey – 8
Len – 8
Bruno – 7
Total: 30

Ain’t no doubt he impressed those judges, but what about ours?