Would that be a fake one or a joke one? Surely you can only get the real thing from a Registrar?

Or is this a copy?

Fake or real? For me the answer is no in both cases. The Day of the Jackal detailed how to get a real birth certificate for a fake identity.

Have you ever had problems finding your passport when you urgently need it, eg 24 hours before leaving for a foreign holiday?

Turned up at Dover having forgot my passport so that is similar

To order birth certificates online you need to have a GRO index code. I have ordered a few birth certs in my time and it's fascinating poking around the records, I reckon changing identities ain't that hard

Have you seen the film The Jackal??

Probably not, I don't remember it

On a day trip to Calais years ago, my BIL forgot his passport. We had the kids in the back so we decided to just try and smuggle him into France and it worked. Coming back was a little harder, I had to get out and try in broken French to explain how we had a passenger with no passport but luckily, BIL is the exact clone of ex Mr Twass [his bro] so they could clearly see he was a relation. I made out he lost the passport during the day while in France and that it "fell out of his pocket"

Could they have fined us?? Or worse?

He could have ended up in The Bastille.

Do you remember the 200 cigarette customs limit?

Is that limit not still in place??

Customs once told me they wouldn't be letting me through on the ferry again that day... I was outraged and told them in no uncertain terms that they had the wrong man

Did you know that Drake is no longer #1??

Who managed to knock him off?

Well, it wasn't the Duke of Medina Sidonia.

It seemed a bit cooler when I was outside a little while ago. The same for you?

Yes it is certainly a shade cooler tonight

Still ice cream eating weather though, right?

Always

What would you do with £61m??

Buy a secondhand submarine and sink Philip Greens yacht..preferably with the odious crook on board!

The rest.....doubt there'd be much left.....I'd spend frivolously


What would you do wiv £61 million?

£10m house and live off the interest of the rest

Got any jam in the fridge??

Yes, the dregs of a jar of raspberry. There's also most of a pot of marmalade. I always fridge jams in the warmer months or the buggers grow mould in no time

Do you cut mould off cheese and still eat it?

The mould? No way! But I have been known to eat the remaining cheese.

Except for shellfish and similar possibly dodgy products do you take a cavalier attitude to 'use by' dates?

Yes, entirely....rule of eye and nose! If it passes those tests I eats it.

How often do you need to fill your petrol tank?

About every 3-4 weeks (but with Diesel not Petrol)

What was the first car you owned?

A battered red Vauxhall Astra.

You?

Never.

How often do you top up your kettle??

Kettle? Are you mad.?..puts cup full or water into a small milkman and boils it on the induction hob! Sounds posh, but it's only a small worktop one I bought when our local co-op was shutting down

Have you any idea how much leccy you use putting on the kettle?

I don't top it up. Always empty the dregs out then put fresh water in. The tea tastes better that way

Do you only put as much water in the kettle as you need, or fill it up?

Fill it up... can't be bothered with that only filling it as much as you need nonsense

When did you last pay 5p for a plastic bag??

I've only done that about twice since they stopped giving them away, I always have a folding bag to hand Last time would have been in the Spring I guess.

Me only boiling what I need and turning off all lecky items not in use means my electric bill last month was less than £20

Jealous?

nope, cors more or less do the same. Even switch the cooker clock off when the cooker is orf.

strawberry?

Yes please! We actually had a dish of them for pud tonight. Gorgeous flavour, the local Kent ones

Ice cream or cream with them?

Ice cream

Should the Labour Party split??