Hi and welcome to my virtual Pub, I am your landlady and I am here to take your orders, I will take no nonsense so please be polite and enjoy a drink with me, If your buying its A Vodka and Diet coke on the rocks.

Admin Edit:This thread has been split into 25 Parts in November 2008

The Pub
Part 1, 2, 3, 4, Part 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, Part 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, Part 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, Part 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, Part 25

I think you want to call the old bill. There's a fight going on in the other room.

Its a little early for me, can I have a bottle of pop, two straws and a packet of animal scratchings?

It's never too early for me! Mines an Archers and lemonade, lots of ice please and do you have any marmite crisps?

Please take no notice of the person with me, it's my daughter and she follows me everywhere. Give her a packet of winegums and a glass of water and prop her in the corner, she'll be no trouble, she just looks a bit strange.

Well this is nice...........I'd like a large G & T please with ice and slice..........and whatever you're having

No problem kids allowed in upto 8.30pm and pool table is in the back room with other games. marmite crisps no but I have Salsa ones If you like alternative tastes.

Ummm she's 19 but let's treat her like a kid and kick her out at 8.30 eh?

She reckons I always treat her like a kid anyway

Dont need to call the Old Bill I have my B.O. B with me

Aaahh........is this one of those alternative pubs?

Happy hour is 6.30 till 7.30pm all drinks 50 Pence

Do you do cocktails ? I'll have a Kermit the frog then, oh & a packet of hedgehog crisps thanks.

sorry will not sell hedgehog crisps on the ground of cruelty to Hedgehogs and they are my favourite animals. Will Pig do?

Could I have a Ruptured Duck................no ice........thankyou

Oooh if its happy hour later, I shall be requiring jugs of margaritta's, much obliged.

won't be a moment just having the new Jukebox put in and before anyone asks I have only allowed it to have 80's music and compilations on like the Now lps, the plasma screen is in the pool room for those who want to watch Sports etc If there is anything else on the TV which you want to watch providing there is no Big match on please feel free to ask me to turn it on.

Is it a no smoking pub?

When do the strippers turn up?

Do you have Old Speckled Nobscrote on tap?

Smoking is allowed by the windows and extractor fans (entirely for the comfort of non-smokers) in the partioned area to the left Due to Food Laws no smoking allowed whilst standing at the bar Thank you.

OK, no worries, i'll go out. Got any matches, i lost my lighter again. Oh and i'll have a pint of 1664.

Anyone stepping outside into the beer garden with me for a fag? Its GORGEOUS out there today

I have a variety of Guest Real Ales which change monthly please try them if you are a beer drinker, All lagers are chilled and mostly in bottle, on draught I have Kronenburg 1664 and Carlsberg lager. Dark and Light Milds, Guinness. Everything else is bottled or optic.

Where's the dartboard?

and the sawdust

and the horse-brasses

and the beer stained mats

and the smelly dog that lies right across the entrance so that everyone has to step over it

and the huge bottle of pennies on the bar

and the miserable barmaid who fancies the landlord but the landlord doesn't fancy her

What sort of pub is this?

A female run pub and as I said the pool rooms in the back and you will also find other games in their including Dart Board.. Do you wish to join Our Female Darts Team?

Can you turn the volume up please?

Sorry I was in the beer garden having a smoke with Daisy