I agree with you here completely. Getting an animal from a rescue is not like what they show on telly, where someone shows up sees one they like and goes home with it there and then. Whilst there's no denying rescues do a wonderful job with what they do, they can be truly awful in how they deal with people. They can make you jump through hoops to get one of their animals and still turn you down for the stupidest of reasons, such as having a garden five inches below their OTT strict guidelines, being out for 10 minutes longer than their rules allow, having outside steps, too steep a staircase, a garden pond, glass patio doors (I heard of someone who was refused a dog because of this), and all sorts of other crazy suggestions.

Some of them are a bit more lenient and will bend a little, but many are too strict for their own good, insisting that every I is dotted and t crossed or you won't be good enough. Even the best breeders aren't that strict and uncooperative with potential owners. It's stupid and unnecessary as all it succeeds in doing is putting people off. Who is going to be psychoanalysed, judged and made to feel like their not good enough by some jumped up little twonk crossing off his clipboard when you can just go and find a good breeder and get a puppy in a relaxed friendly manner?

Yes, except in my experience they're nearly always women.

You wouldn't believe how my friend's mother was treated by the witches at the local Cats Protection place. Not only was she reprimanded after choosing a cat for commenting that it would be nice to have a white cat for a change as she'd never had one that colour before. ("You shouldn't choose a cat just because of the colour") but they then refused to let her have a young cat "because it might wander on to the road". Her house is two fields away from the road (which is a rural one) and backed by woods and open downland, nothing else for about five miles. My mate said that no cat they've ever had has been in the habit of going out the front, because there is limitless hunting in the woods behind. Still they refused, and would only offer her an old cat. Having just lost her previous old cat, they walked away and got a kitten privately.

You are going through what all we mad dog/animal owners feel. Guilt is a part of grief - as is regret eg "I should have done more" etc. It's one of the most painful things to go through. I know - I'm going through it right now. My little Shih Tzu boy died this time last week and I've been through this many times. It never gets easier but there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone copes differently. That searing loneliness and pain is horrendous but when I got my little guy in 2000, I was coping with grief for my dog before him and I couldn't bond at first. Of course that completely changed but I would think you may not be quite ready yet - whenever you decide you WILL bond - each dog is different so you really needn't feel ANY guilt. I'm sure your dog would hate to see you so miserable and lonely.
And I totally understand that wanting them back again... but on the other hand you wouldn't want her to suffer a protracted illness. Dogs (apparently) are not afraid of death. It's very much part of life. It's you who are suffering now, not her. But I think when you decide you're ready you'll find it will give you a new lease of life... and hope!
Just know that you're not alone with your grief.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, it's so devastating, I hope you are ok x

I just wanted to update people, I am trying to feel normal at the moment, trying to take my mind off of the grief.

I know many of you will know exactly what I mean when I say there is a part of my soul missing now that she has gone, I love her dearly and I don't think I will ever stop missing her.

I am remembering the happy times with her, just this past summer she was still playing in the garden with me for hours, she loved digging, she loved chasing bubbles, she loved splashing in her paddling pool. I cherish those memories so much.

I still get upset looking at her empty bed, her empty chair. She's in my heart forever, and nothing can take that away. She was my happiness.

I will get another Dog, I've been looking around the rescue sites and decided after Christmas I will bring rescue a Dog home, it breaks my heart how many of them need homes, there is a safe and happy home here waiting.

My old girl I am sure would have wanted me to as well x

That's lovely, Desert_Rain. And you really will start to heal. It's also good to have those happier memories of your girl. I'm still at the stage of finding those memories too painful at the moment.
You'll give a deserving dog such a lot of love and joy - please keep us updated!
Hugs to you at this horrible time. (And I promise, the pain will get better!) x

Thank you allie

I am still going back and forth with how ready I am at the moment.

I will certainly keep you update x

How are you getting on now? x

When I was a kid I wanted to have an aviary and fill it with birds. Now I am happy to walk in a park and listen to the birds in the trees.

Only get a dog if you have a secure place for it in your family. Otherwise I would suggest joining one of the animal conservation societies or wildlife rescue centres. If you have a garden there are ways of attracting wildlife into it. If you have a balcony you can put a bird feeder into it.

Hi, Desert - hope you didn't find Xmas too hard without her. I'm still so sad and trying to avoid reminders like his toys which he always ADORED - impossible to do in this house!
I don't want to cry every minute of the day but then I think about him all the time and miss him terribly. I can't see a way forward at the moment - spring and summer without him?
My daughter ticked me off slightly yesterday because I have so much to be happy about - mainly her 7 month old son - my first grandchild! But there's always that shadow. She doesn't realise what it's like as when we've lost pets she's been away from home and never had to be there at the end. And also when she left home at 19 I poured all my love and involvement into Mikey (my little guy who's just died) so it's doubly painful.
Anyway - here's to a better few months ahead of us! Cyber hugs ((()))) xx

Hi Allie, how are you getting on now?

I know exactly how you feel about the coming months ahead, my girl adored the summer, she loved being in the garden so much with me, I am dreading those days ahead without her, it's going to be so horrible.

Oh dear, sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, I think sometimes that unless a person had experienced something directly it can be hard to understand.

Mikey knew he was loved by you, and he no doubt loved you back. I know it's extremely hard but remember all of those happy years with him. I am trying to do that now, I was talking about her earlier and laughing, she had so many funny quirks.

I hope you are a bit better xxx

Ahhh Allie, so sorry to hear of your loss too xxx

Desert - completely understand your feelings and believe me it is all part of the natural grieving process. When I lost my first cat I couldn't contemplate ever getting another. Not only cos I couldn't imagine going through that grief again but also the whole 'disloyalty' thing. It was awful when a month or two later my sister decided to get one. Even then, not living with me, the guilt I felt was immense just allowing myself to let another one in and love it. But as cliched as it is, time really is a healer. I also came to realise that to get another wasn't a case of replacing her, just 'adding' to my furry family and being able to give a happy love filled life to another was an honor to her memory, not a betrayal. It took me 6 years to get another of my own (I ended up with three of the rascals!) and my only regret is that I waited so long !!! I think of all the happiness I could have given another in need in all those years ...

It is best not to rush in to anything while you feel so uncertain and I know your grief is still so raw. But I would say, keep your eye out on the rescues. When the right one pops up you'll know. You gave your dog the best life and she would be happy to see you share that with another x

I've only ever had rescue dogs in over 30yrs of having dogs and have never had an issue with a rescue. I also homecheck for rescues and we're not ogres but sometimes the lies people tell and the way they plan to keep their dog is just not acceptable. They often see a dog and want it based purely on its look when you just know it would be a disaster as it wouldn't suit their lifestyle. For example it may need loads of exercise that they aren't in a position to give, or be a young dog that needs people around not at work all day. Dogs can't be expected to be ok left alone all day. People do that and then wonder why the dog barks or chews or messes in the house.

A decent rescue cares about its dogs and want the adoption to be a success rather than have dogs returned to them messed up with issues they didn't have and owners upset at having to return the dog.

I usually adopt quickly because I figure a dog in rescue needs me and it's the legacy of the one we've lost for another to be safe and loved but everyone is different and you have to do it in your own time. We lost one of our 4 over xmas after she had 2 strokes but this is the first time I don't feel ready to adopt another. I suspect another will just come along when we're not actually looking.

Deepest sympathy, I know how heartbreaking it is. I'm really struggling still.

I'll tell you why rescues are strict, it's because they pick up the pieces when people can't cope with that cute little puppy they paid a crazy amount for, when people can't deal with because it cries and pees and poos in the house or because it grows up and needs training, walking and socialising and the breeder's not interested. They look after them, a good rescues works hard to sort out the issues the dog may have come into them with thanks to stupid owners and they want to place the dog in the right forever home not let just anyone have it, mess it up a bit more so it bounces back to them, a little bit more damaged each time. I home check and the vast majority are fine but I've had some where I wouldn't let them near my dog. People who don't see the need for adequate fencing etc. These are rescue dogs who may have been dumped and got used to wandering and a lot are escape artists so good fencing is vital for everyone's sake, not just being picky. Being refused for glass doors is a bit daft though, just get peel off stickers if they may be a problem. I always try to work round anything that I consider may be an issue when I do a home check.

Maybe people who moan about rescues being too strict should look at what they are offering. In my experience there is usually a valid reason. Sometimes it's that they're set on a dog that just wouldn't suit them but they want it because of how it looks and ignore whether it will fit into their lifestyle.

I just saw a dog that might have suited me, but the rescue demands that I have "gates with locks".
FFS! Who has locked gates apart from rich people who live in big expensive houses with security systems?

I can see and understand some of those reasons why a rescue is so strict (though you sound sensible and approachable, some come across as completely bonkers), a dog with baggage needing to be totally settled in the right place and so on, but really some of them are just plain loopy.


This is the type of ridiculous nonsense requirement I mean. Why on earth does the gate need locks? No average person has locked gates, mainly because they'd be a pain in the arse to keep unlocking them to go through them. A lock isn't going to stop a dog from escaping, unless it's very clever and can open the gate with its paws or nose.

The back of our house is fenced off so people can get to the front door without any risk of the dogs escaping and we have 3 bolts and metal bits from the gate that go into the concrete and all are the sort you can put a padlock through!

We had it fenced that way years ago and I'm very glad we did as we now have a neighbour who has Alzheimers and is very frail and a few times when we've forgotten to bolt the gates she's opened the gates and walked straight into the kitchen and as we have 4 big dogs who are very friendly I'm terrified she'll get knocked over or fall over them or the dogs will get out. Given the crazy changes to the dangerous dogs act it would be our fault if she was accidentally hurt by them in our garden or house. Better safe than sorry, it makes it that bit harder for anyone to steal them or trespass, not that the dogs are ever left outside, if they're outside the back door is open and I'm home.

However, lockable gates isn't a requirement for any of the rescues I home check for although I have suggested it where it would be easy to do like ours at home are. Sometimes if the dog would have access to the front garden fencing can be an issue as most people tend to have lower fencing at the front than the back and it's seldom high enough for the dogs I homecheck for. All the rescues I check for want to rehome dogs and will do their best to work with suitable prospective owners to sort out issues like that. I've been to one home where the front of the house had no fence and they were really put out at being refused!

This reminds me of a rescue lurcher we had once. Soon after we had him, he jumped over a four-foot gate. He was picked up in a local secondary school and because he had a Dogs Trust tag, they phoned the local one who realized immediately where he had come from and phoned us to pick him up . (He was chipped of course, but it didn't get that far.)

For this reason we have never taught any of our dogs to jump. Unfortunately many people, rescues included, choose to encourage "agility". I wouldn't take a dog with proven jumping ability.

At the other end of the scale you have the diggers. We had a terrier who regularly used to dig his way out.

It's just natural for a lot of dogs to jump including lurchers. A lot of people don't realise this and think rescues are being unnecessarily difficult about the height of fencing when they're not, it's to safeguard the dog and avoid heartache if the dog does escape and goes missing or is injured possibly fatally. People say it won't happen to their dog but it does happen.

Of course some naturally jump, but not all of them do. It simply doesn't enter their heads. We had a succession of lurchers, and none of them ever made any attempt to jump. But then we didn't teach them that jumping was fun.

I've been in your boots before, our dog of 14 years passed away and we didn't know what to do. We felt guilty at the thought of being happy with another dog, but at the same time we were so sad to have an empty house.

We waited around a month until we got a puppy and our house felt like a home again. You gave that dog the happiest life and you loved it unconditionally. You shouldn't feel guilty especially if you're doing a great thing and going for adoption. It'll be such a rewarding feeling and you're giving this dog just as happy of a life like you did your other dog.

You'll never forget them and so you shouldn't feel guilty, not at all. Adoption is an amazing thing and if you adopt, just think of how happy that dog will be that you've rescued it from a lonely life in a kennel.

Our one was a right devil when we first had him. Apart from chewing the banister rail, he also chewed an indoor telephone cable into multiple tiny pieces. Pleased to say he calmed down eventually, once he realised home was a good place to be!

How are you getting on now? xx

It's been almost 9 weeks now (9 weeks tomorrow in fact) I've thought about her everyday, I miss her so intensely and I think I always will, she was a special girl.

It's so hard isn't it. I'm still struggling and tears appear at some memory every day. My girl was so special too, it's awful, such a huge hole even though I have 3 other dogs it feels so quiet. Thank you for asking x

My mum has just got a Collie Pup after about a 2 year wait since they lost the last one. She is doing her best not to compare the pup with the old one and thankfully, other than being collies they are different personalities.
What she did in the 2 years between was lovely though. All her friends know how much she loves dogs but she didn't want another one immediately so she started dog sitting for people. She didn't make any money from it and refused any payment but it meant that for about 15/20 weeks each year she had a dog in the house to look after and walk. It helped her with the loss of her dog whilst not immediately replacing him, or rather filling the space he'd left.

It really is hard, in so many ways! Grief brings up so many emotions and thoughts, time is the key to it.

We will never stop missing our beautiful friends, but we will be able to look back and smile, remembering all the wonderful happy years. I honestly feel privileged to have had such a beautiful Dog.



I think that is such a wonderful idea. I know a lot of people locally with Dogs (the people you meet Dog-walking) I would love to be a Dog-sitter and actually hadn't thought to do that, so thank you for the idea