Well I'll suck on an orange at half time, it's Part 1 of...
The Countdown Capers
Top of the Pops 25th March 1982 (Peter Powell and.....GARTH CROOKS?!)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode...-pops-25031982
The short-lived 'Double Headers' continue on the Pops, this time with Poptastic Pete mentoring a crocked (crooked?) Garth Crooks, who looks like he's having a skive from pre-season training with Spurs, maybe putting on 'a bit of a limp' as a poor excuse to muscle in on Poptastic Pete's Pops action.
Either that or Herr Hurll's having a laugh by lumbering Poptastic with literally a lame duck.
My wayward spellchecker suggested the letter 'f' somewhere in the last sentence pop pickers, but thankfully I managed to overrule it.
Hopefully our lame (not lah-may) duck will make a better fist of the Pops than he does with his Jackanory-style football punditry. Poptastic gets the Crocked Crooks encouraged by stating to the nation that Garth loves pop music, despite Poptastic not waiting to find out the answer (which I suspect may be negative), but we'll give the Crock a go to see if he knows his Crock of shit.
With hope in our hearts, we'll lay some jumpers for goalposts in the Pops park, try and avoid the steaming dog turd (which from the look of this Weeks line up is a near impossibility) & kick off with...
(41) ALTERED IMAGES See Those Eyes
Resplendent in ra-ra dress which couldn't be any more 80's if it went down the Club Tropicana, had a free drink & suntanned whilst not worrying about missing the sea, our perfect Pop Pixie has seemingly had a few lessons from the Paul Weller school of miming for this jaunty little number which I like a lot, despite the feeling the band were coasting somewhat with the repetitive lyrics.
Clare Grogan was such a striking frontwoman and mesmerisingly commanded the attention, it's hard for this pop picker (and most others I'd guess) to focus on anything or anyone else, which inevitably meant not much limelight for the other band members.
So much so, the drummer could have been 'bashing the skins' with a brace of rigormortis ridden Pollock and I wouldn't have noticed.
Which is just as well, as the band as a whole looked somewhat non-plussed to be there despite outward smiles, the drummer even vacating his post mid-song to have a nose 'round the back of the stage, presumably at the arrival of 'the Undersea World of Killing Joke' whose turn will come shortly, even if (spoiler alert) the real lead singer doesn't.
I like Clare's coquettish looks to camera, warbling underneath her piscine-themed cake doily which both fascinates and bewilders in equal measure. The cake doily would've been enhanced further by some chocolate eclairs or the contents of a packet of Mr. Kipling's French Fancies balanced atop the Grogan noddle to share, but I'm just being picky.
A Hob-nob will do just fine.
Speaking of which...
(3) JULIO IGLESIAS Quiereme Mucho (Jaws) (video)
The ex-Real Madrid goalkeeper was on a roll following his cheesy but cheerful "Begin the Beguine". This Track however was pushing it for credibility. The video budget had increased but so had the Red Leicester. Our tanned-hided lounge lizard plonks himself in front of the mirror in complete awe at how handsome he is, and if you're a Wendy Craig-like suburban housewife I'm sure our Latino legend is just the ticket.
I'm just grateful there was a reflection in that mirror, otherwise the foxy lady in the mirror (Alice?) would have been in real trouble & the song may have been subtitled "Fangs" rather than "Jaws".
It's doubtful whether Julio saw some 'goalmouth action' with the lady in Wonderland, as the mirror looked made of sturdy stuff & a 'solid defence' against Spanish attack.
Following a re-evaluation of the video, I think Julio had been scoffing some suss Fray Bentos, as he seems to be singing about it throughout whilst occasionally holding his guts, so inside a mirror is probably the safest place for ther blue-eyed winsome heroine as an inordinate amount of excess methane seems to be eminating from our sharp-suited Spaniard, the gas wafting up in front of the camera in cartoon vapour form.
Either that or the council have evicted Lord Summerisle (avec Wicker Man) from the Downton neighbourhood frequented by Imagination last Week and exchanged him under extradition proceedings for Jimmy Tarbuck, but I'm speculating.
As Julio is a true professional in all departments (yes baby!) he soldiers on to the end of the video with his bowel in check, but following consumption of the offending offal he won't want to stick around for extra time, more likely he has a 'Porcelain Penalty Shootout' in privacy in the smallest room (or ty bach for readers of Cymraeg).
Just don't let Oliver 'Lennie' Bendt & the Flambee Dance Band into the studio or the consequences could be terrifying, both musically and incendiary.
Final Score: Fray Bentos 5, Julio Lothario 1
(after a literally agonising penalty shootout)
Back to the studio, Crocked Crooks has his first taste of solo commentary with 'Mr. Hit, Julio Iglesias'.
There seems to be an issue with his autocue as the caption people left off the 's' somewhere in that script. We can only presume news hadn't reached the BBC regarding the dodgy batch of Fray Bentos and the subsequent hazardous situation developing in Iberia with a now deflated lounge lizard.
Garth is joined by a youthful looking Freddie Starr in cream bow tie & check shirt, who's thankfully chosen not to wear his Hitler-apeing Nazi outfit resplendant with emblazoned Swastikas.
It seems Crocked Crooks is not just crocked in the physical department, but also has issues with his internal autocue, as Garth leavies off the 's' in 'Bucks' but at least he gets the Fizz right and eventually the title.
As ClareB & Rico de Brazilian Tea Biscuit points out it could have been much, much worse.
(33) BUCKS FIZZ My Camera Never Lies
Treading carefully across the hallowed Pops turf with our boots relatively clean at this point, we arrive at somewhat of an oasis as we quench our thirst on Bucks Fizz and their latest musical offering.
This time Jay got the short straw of outfits with an Alphabetical Victorian bathing number, while Rita looked ravishing in mini dress with avians all over it, but the routine was poor I felt with a disappointing boy/girl crossover and some wagging fingers.
No running on the spot for this one either.
The boys should have swapped outfits with Foster & Allen to upgrade the entertainment.
On further detailed inspection, I can confirm with some degree of certainty the previously unidentified avian design on Rita's mini dress is likely Aylesbury or Pekin Duck. Whether the ducks are lame or lah-mey would be a matter for the Bucks Fizz Fan Club, ABC or the RSPCA Welfare Department.
Or ask Garth Crooks. He's bound to know.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aylesbury_duck
A slightly sarky? Poptastic puts the Crocked Crooks in his place by correcting him on his musprincipledduncenation of the badly-dressed Bucks, then helpfully introduces our next turn as being from Westmeath. It's in Ireland, and it's inhabitants must be so proud of....
28) FOSTER & ALLEN A Bunch Of Thyme
What the Pekin Duck?!
Playing up stereotypes to the full 'bleedin obvious' setting, our two MOR potential crimefighters are on the trail of some stolen thyme, not unlike Laurel & Hardy who some Years previous were on the Trail of the Lonesome Pine.
According to the flouncy Men in Green (the Irish version of Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones), thyme is a precious thing, bloody hard work to grow but a bunch of it when harvested is an experience worth savouring.
My own preference would be thyme completely disguised & subsequently digested as a Chocolate Hob-Nob, but I'm in digression if not digestion mode.
Westmeath (twinned with Midsomer) has had a visit from a lusty sailor who is the chief suspect in this tawdry tale of thyme theft, a chancer with an eye for the ladies who specialises in distraction techniques & stealing evergreen herbs from vulnerable women.
It's the type of crime Fairbrass is more than capable of given half a chance.
What a rotter!
As the song progresses, we discover the lusty sailor has no shame and was mugging off the poor woman by giving her a rose as an insulting compensatory gesture for robbing her thyme.
BOOOOO! HISSSSS!
Foster & Allen helpfully suggest outdoor security should be taken much more seriously, their bleedin' obvious advice is to 'Always beware, all maidens young and fair', 'Let no man steal away your thyme', which when heard through the bullshit detector sounds very much like the citizens of Westmeath are on their own due to lack of resources & their advice is to set up a Neighbourhood Watch project with some elderly volunteers who can guard the allotments 24-7.
'Don't have nightmares' pop pickers.
Cheerleaders, Carrie Grant, Fairbrass & Freddie Starr are implicated throughout in a 'gentleman's excuse me' mincing exercise on the floor for the duration.
Back to Poptastic & the Crocked Crooks, who for a split second I feared would let his true feelings show & call the previous song 'A Bunch of Shite'.
Poptastic is irked as he can't get a word in & a certain degree of one-upmanship seems to be taking place. Pete eventually wrestles back control of the Pops midfield & points out to Crocked Crooks that Foster & Allen are from Ireland.
No shit Sherlock!
End of Part 1....
But Ursula might be onto something
- Showing my innocence now... 
