Back by unpopular demand & gorging on poor value Easter confectionery, it's...
The Countdown Capers
Top of the Pops 8th April 1982 (Simon Bates)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode...-pops-08041982
I generally don't look forward to placing my digits on the keyboard to blather on about a Pops episode with Our Tune, not least because Simon makes me earn my DS corn by having to describe all the balls-ups he makes.
Being a Lego Timelord, Our Tune is a master of time-travel, but it's worth a wager trying to predict which minute the inevitable entry in the 'Bates Bumper Book of Balls-Ups' will occur.
A Bates episode also fires up his internal fuzzy logic autocue, so expect some introductory buffoonery along the way.
I've got a good feeling though pop pickers about this one that no mistakes will be made, as I feel wholly confident in Simes' professionalism (!). We'll see how long that lasts for, as all will be revealed in the following 35 Minutes.
Let us begin.....
As it's Easter, Herr Hurll's in a relaxed mood & resting his jackboots, as he's recently perfected the recipe for some exploding Chocolate Eggs for Heavy Metal bands to consume whilst they're rehearsing as a bit of a sadistic practical joke. Presumably this is to get them accustomed to the Top of the Pops Official TNT™ which normally accompanies Heavy Metal Merchants on the show.
Unfortunately for das Poppenfuhrer, he's perfected the recipe a Week too late to deploy on Motorhead & 'ver Quo (who prefer something with a lighter mix), so he's keeping his chocolate powder dry for some egg-on-face buffoonery on a future occasion.
The relaxed vibe however seems to have rubbed off onto our genial presenter, and Simes looks well happy with his Easter present in the form of a rether fetching young lady in a black dress, who's been genetically modified to naturally grow a spare set of convincing rabbit ears on the top of her head in an experimental bid to see if she can receive Quadraphonic sound.
From the look of them ears, it's likely she'll be able to pick up signals from Voyager 2 on it's next orbit around Saturn (or Uranus if Voyager's in the mood), but the ears strike me as evolution gone mad. There'll be cloning a bloody sheep next!
Simes is dressed in a two-tone 'sports casual' baseball jacket as he wants to make himself irresistible to the Easter bunny, and it seems to be working as she's got her hand on his arm. Where she's got her other hand is presumably in the direction of the carrot in his pocket, and another reason why Simes is in a good mood. 'M-yeeerrrrp.....What's Up Doc?'
Simon moves swiftly along and directs the camera in a Joe Jackson-stylee to '
Look over there (Where?)' There in the direction of....
(32) A NICELY TRIMMED SIX FOOT BUSH – A Wet Weekend in Cleethorpes
An impressive start, not least due to the staging which has the look of a packet of oversized Spangles with backlighting. A bit of a squeeze though for 6 including the tools of their trade I thought, but on the (Love) Plus Side they've been given permission to devour the oversized Spangles when they've finished their turn.
Just not all at once boys or you'll ruin your tea, especially after all those chocolate Easter Eggs.
This jaunty tune is just right for a kick off and certainly got my toe-tapping seal of approval.
Haircut 100 I felt had a very 'English' pop sound (don't ask me to explain it) and they would probably qualify as support to marginally rockier headliners XTC at Windy Miller's Music Festival, located somewhere off the M20 in Trumptonshire.
More credence is heaped upon this theory with a Jam & Spoon as 'ver Cuts display their English credentials by announcing with their horn the start of the fox-hunting season.
Mmm, not sure the Fantastic Mr. Fox would think it such a Fantastic Day you foxy fiends.
Breezy, Summery and full of beans, it also surprising such a jolly tune has a barbed comment on the state of Britain's Railway Network and it's unacceptable level of overcrowding, contained within the line
'there's a great amount of strain about getting on that train-every day and every night'.
My advice for Nick would be to just walk on that green escalator to Platform 2 instead of doing a 'prance and flutter stride' down it. You'll break your bloody neck you stupid boy!
Nice social comment however & you're wearing the right hat for it comrade.
Blair on the drums (not Tony) & the cheery chappies are much amused throughout, presumably due to Perv-cam at the back and his hilarious attempts to mount the stage whilst the old dog's under the assumption he has a cloak of invisibilty.
Perv-cam should know he can't fire when cloaked, and it doesn't even have the chippy order attached to it like in last Week's Nouveaux turn. Such fun!
(2) MONKEY GLAND – Your Smartphone's Telling Porkies (video)
A special Easter present for 'ver Fizz from the looks of it, as they've wangled a special backstage tour round Pinewood Studios where they're filming an early analogue version of 'Big Brother'. The 'all-seeing eye' (an even more basic version of Perv-cam) is keeping a close peeper on this lot, and I don't blame it one bit.
The Pinewood signage is quite clear thoughout the premises,
'Please do not touch the Exhibits'.
It's a simple instruction, but as the Fizz have had two number ones they're getting a bit cheeky. Rules is rules, but the Fizz don't seem to give a shit, as they proceed to go on a rampage through the Studio's Costume Department and try on most of the clobber.
Hence we're treated to some Fizzy recreations of famous faces & films, whilst as a unit they find refuge in the Pinewood triple-access Zebra enclosure. The Zebra won't be happy if he twigs he's got squatters and will no doubt apply to the High Court for a fast-track eviction to get his gaff back. Bloody freeloaders!
Back to the video, Rita goes with the Wind and has a Marilyn moment, Jay nearly kisses her own ass in Cleopatra, Mike accompanies a horse to a Bedouin tent as a camel's a bit tricky to find in Buckinghamshire, then all four Fizz down the Yellow Brick Road by which time the Big Brother Cyclops is likely having a nervous breakdown.
Security are then called to deal with the blighters, but as a final show of defiance Bobby & Jay keep them at bay, machine gunning the Security guards from the set of the First National Bank.
Mike tries to evade Security by adopting a statuesque Madam Tussauds pose on a motorcycle as Marlon Brando. Won't work matey, the A-Team will be along in a minute.
RUDDY HOOLIGANS!
(4) CHIP & DALE with DONALD DUCK– Cheer Up You Old Bat It Might Never Happen
We cut back to the studio following 'the clap', where Simes is joined by a young lady dressed in an extra-large Pick 'n' Mix sweetie bag from Woolworths.
Simon introduces Chas & Dave by informing us they've be in 'wardrobe for the whole afternoon, all dressed up and their hair done nicely'. When this sentence is heard through the Countdown Capers Bullshit Detector™ it's translated to 'Chas & Dave normally look a right 'two 'n' eight' 'til the BBC gave them a bath with some soap & said 'jump in'!
I'd be pretty pissed off with this sleight if I were Chas/Dave/the other geezer, but in the credit column of the Chas & Dave account Herr Hurll did at least give them all their bus fare home and a fiver each for a cup of tea, a chocolate Egg and a sticky bun, which was good of him. It is Easter after all.
Just don't get any Chocolate on your white jackets gents, it's a bastard to shift.
What's that Chas & Dave, you want more money? Gawd blimey! There just '
Ain't No Pleasing You' (brmmm, tish!).
Fast forward to the arse end of the performance & Simes has another go at the band, this time at Mick Burt (the 'other geezer' on the drums), who's apparently known as a 'Mean Man with a Pint'. What are you suggesting this time Mr. Bates? Mick Burt's as tight as a duck's arse?
Don't kick a bloke when he's down on his luck Our Tune, he'll get a round in when the bookings pick up or when his Giro comes through.
On to the music (eventually!), and whilst I struggle to like Chas & Dave's proper end of the pier stuff (their Medleys a particular bugbear), the planets seemed to align in perfection when this track was conceived and executed.
Slightly jarring but well-discussed grammar issues aside ('Everything I ever
done was only done for you'), this really should've been a number 1. It certainly deserved to be.
The lyrics tell the story of a bloke at the end of his tether with 'er indoors. Lyrical gauntlets fall like confetti, and the woman in the song sounds extremely high maintenance & Chas is getting some serious 'earache' & 'ag' round the gaff.
I've got to sympathise as I went through exactly the same thing with that Mariah Carey bird.
She was always insisting to be first in the queue at Battersea Dogs Home every morning to adopt more chihuahua's than were practical in a one bed flat, demanding ridiculous amounts of jewellery from Elizabeth Arden at Argos & wanting fresh salmon delivered from Scotland, which she thought was a county in England.
The worst bit was when she was practicing her 'scales' on a Saturday night which used to set the chihuahuas off a treat. Bloody annoying when you're trying to watch Match of the Day, especially with a lounge full of her collection of butterflies flying in front of the plasma.
I was glad when she buggered off to America & I could get finally some relief from the 'ag', but I think she should've stuck to her part-time job in our local Kebab shop with her mate Celine Dion rather than pursuing a career in song. The World would've been a less musically excruciating place.
Any road up, well done Chas & Dave & the other geezer, you've played a blinder (with nice neckwear too). (Revised Rpt.)
(24) SCRUFFY McGUFFY & THE CAMPTOWN LLAMAS – My Garden's Sprung A Leak
Not written as I first thought about the pyromanic tendencies of Ollie Bennett-Baker-Jacks-Lemon Bendt (delete or add to as appropriate) from the Grim-bay Dance Band & the resulting effect on Bendt's permanent place of residence, Bob & the boys I felt had flogged the dead horse & were a pale imitation of their previously Monday-disliking selves by this point, with some cod-reggae which sounds like 'Banana Republic' on the wrong speed or horror of horrors, a B.A. Robertson B-Side.
Bob Geldof looked like he'd come straight from servicing a Vauxhall Chevette, but on the plus side I liked Johnny Fingers' piano bashing (with his fingers surprisingly enough pop pickers!), but there's no Johnny Jim-Jams present so this one gets the thumbs down.
The identity of the 17-Year old Louise who's 'as cruel as a pig' but we love her like the song title is unknown. Could be the same one Phil Oakey was talking about getting off the bus. I've heard she gets about a bit. (R)
A-haaaaa! I was wondering where our premier poseur and all round bad egg was this Week. Yes of course, it's got to be
Fairbrass.
Off camera, Our Tune & time-travelling companion Fairbrass have been for a jolly in the TARDIS back to 1929 America, where Fairbrass has picked up a souvenir Baseball pitchers outfit.
Knowing Fairbrass, he'll have burgled Babe Ruth's house & will 'encourage' Our Tune to travel to 2016 where he can put the outfit on eBay for an extortionate 'Buy it Now' price, the slaaaaag.
Back in 1982, the Lego Timelord has had a phone call. Not from the 1929 NYPD but from our next turn, who informs Our Tune he wants a hit when he gets back to Britain. That's a
hit pop pickers, and
not a re-run of the Spanish Fray Bentos disaster which crocked Julio Lothario a few Weeks back.
(23) BOSS HOGG – Big Nose (video)
In a hat modelled on the Dukes of Hazzard' nemesis and a good colour for reflecting the sunlight away from a balding pate (that's pate not pat..eh?), Reg locates to the seaward side of the top of a small Mountain to lament his lover's big nose (sorry,
Blue Eyes).
How the chuffing heck he managed to get his 'Joanna' up there is a bit of a mystery, but apparently this performance was nailed on the fifth take. What we weren't witness to was the string of pianos that were 'Damaged in Transit' on the hundreds of steps leading to the top.
You can't really blame Removal Specialists Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy. They did encounter a lot of issues along the way, and no doubt they nicknamed the place 'Brokeback Mountain' when they eventually reached the summit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pb445n875r8
The location looks stunning, and Elton's white piano looks eye-catching if not subtle.
From a few of the wide shots taken of the piano from afar, it has the look of either a novely ashtray or a portable(ish) radar system similar to those seen at Fylingdales.
Reg's state of the art 'Joanna' may even be on a rotating track, with the lid having room to house a rocket launcher to deploy a surprise attack on the slow-motion seagulls flying unsuspectingly on the breeze. Why Reg might be taking this course of action is a matter for some speculation, but maybe the seagulls scored a direct hit on his pate (not pat..eh?) & he's wearing Boss Hogg's hat to cover the guano.
The piano would also come in handy for wheeling out when he eventually returns to Blighty in order to take a pot shot at one or two pesky journalists poking into his affairs. A trusty weapon in Elton's arsenal and good on ya mate.
I predict he will have a hit when he gets back to Britain, unlike on the Mountain he's on where toilet facilities look limited, unless of course Reg fires a few rear-facing rockets into the piano...
End of Part 1
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