Countdown Capers
Top of the Pops 21st January 1982
In a change to our advertised presenter, David 'Don't call me Kid' Jensen is thwarted immediately by the evil caption crew, who insist on calling him Kid despite being 30 Years of age.
On an extended gap Year from Radio 1, David's been presenting shows on CNN in Canada but in his spare time he's wrestled grizzly bear, moose & squirrel and achieved partial success tracking the Sasquatch, coincidentally also there on a gap Year.
Although these revelations remain unconfirmed, the experiences will no doubt come in handy on future episodes, rounding up assorted members of the animal kingdom who seemingly run amok amongst the studio audience.
Taking no chances and with David's irritation suppressed, the floor manager allows David some space and a veto on dancing, as there's a risk if he walks off now the 2nd substitute waiting in the wings is B.A. Robertson. If this scenario came to pass most people will walk off the set in protest and the pilot of "The Craig Fairbrass Show" would be made instead, and no one wants to see that.
Not much David dancin' evident but we cut to the first item on the agenda which is...
(36) GILLAN – Restless
It's a risky business being a member of a rock band on TOTP as there's constant friendly fire courtesy of the Pyrotechnics Department. Gillan unwisely trusted them to get the cordite right and the audience are treated to a 3-minute recreation of the Battle of Waterloo. Thankfully the shrapnel never reaches the audience & a PTSD claim from the Gillan drummer proved unsuccessful.
Hang on, I knew I'd forgot something... the music! The cover of "New Orleans" was a Top tune in '81 and although this one won't reach the same heights, personally I thought it was a pretty decent track, Ian Gillan giving it raucous vocals and backed by a solid & dependable band.
For some reason I thought the bald guitarist has the look of one of them dodgy geezers you have to see to get overpriced tickets for New Years' Eve in a pub, but I digress.
Next up David has a young Janice Long for company on work experience whilst our next turn is...
(6) JON & VANGELIS – I’ll Find My Way Home
An old favourite, I never tire of hearing this beautiful track.
It could be my eyes but Little Jon's white jacket seems to have more of a 'bloom' on this repeat performance, either that or he's been chasing the Ready Brek.
Zoo surplus to requirements as per.
With a tenuous link, I always think of this track together with Demis (Roussos) vocalised version of Rodrigo's Concerto de Aranjuez, "Follow Me", more likely due to Demis & Vangelis being band mates in Aprodite's Child. This wasn't a hit in the UK but massive in Europe probably due to the "Abigail's Party" effect Roussos had in the psyche of the UK record buying public at the time, but a stunning take on a familiar melody IMO.
Clickbait below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krI_Fr00Z6M
(14) PHIL LYNOTT – Yellow Pearl (video)
Motivated from witnessing the horrendous spectacle during the Circus of Horrors a fortnight ago, Phil gets up from his sofa & makes a video. Any video will do, no matter how thin the plotline or content, but “at least there's no feckin' bodybuilders in it!”
In the video, Phil shows off his Christmas present haul of audio, video & camera equipment. He doesn't look happy though, as he only asked for one reel-to-reel tape recorder but instead ended up with a whole bank of the bloody things as some git pressed '1' twice on the computer and the Geisha's have lost the receipt so he can't return the excess.
Maybe all is not lost as a cheque stub would be accepted as proof of purchase, but to vent his frustration he gets his Geishas to tape him up in preparation for a bout of the 'Queensbury Rules' with the manager of Dixons, as the manager's the one who refused when the Geisha's tried earlier in the Week. Fair enough as they've only recently been imported & can't speak a word of English.
Until he gets to Dixons in the Yellow Pearl (a Reliant Robin on loan from Trotters Independent Traders) he won't know whether to sell on the excess reel-to-reels cheap.
....Or maybe he cut his hands on the cheap Japanese screens.
Truth be told these potential explanations make about as much sense as the lyrics or video do. Lynott's a legend & it's a top instrumental, but the track really should've stayed that way.
(13) THE MOBILES – Drowning In Berlin
Back by popular demand, the Punch & Judy show are back!
All menace extinguished as everyone is now fully aware they reside in Eastbourne and not Transylvania or Shepton Mallett, a last ditched attempt to scare everyone fails again as the band still don't have enough royalty moula to afford face painting for all, so they're reliant on Anna Maria & Grandpa Munster to carry the sausages... erm, baton. We never get to see the devil, policeman or the hangman, with the baby more than likely in the care of Social Services.
Nice routine in the chorus from Anna Maria, fashioned straight from an exercise care plan for the elderly. THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT!
(26) ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA – Ticket To The Moon
BBC's props department had a rummage through the TV Centre skip & found bits of the Liberator from Blake's 7 not ruined by green gunk, with Zen "CON-FIRMED" for a cameo role.
'Flick Colby's new dance troupe Zoo' cobbled together this surprisingly non ham-fisted performance, which on a limited budget I thought was relatively effective given the tune, though I'm not sure if their ticket machine was geared up for Oyster Cards.
Personally I would've preferred “Here Is the News” as that track absolutely kicks ass, but I'm alright with a Ticket to the Moon.
David is joined by a clapping Fairbrass dressed as David Essex & introduces 'something meaty, beaty and definitely bouncy'. There's specialist websites now for that kind of thing.
(7) MEAT LOAF – Dead Ringer For Love (video)
A neutered and seed-free loaf this time, no nudity on the walls of the Dead Ringer Ale House & he doesn't even get to have a dance with Cher, but at least if I go there I know what happens when J2 is selected on the Jukebox. We even missed the bit where she drinks a pint of 'Rock n...well you know the rest. Adda girl...
(41) XTC – Senses Working Overtime
Sections of this track irritate me no end (sacrilege I know). When it gets going it's great but in the slow bits Andy Partridge's vocals are annoyingly whyyyyyyyyy-nyyyy, and as a result it's not a favourite of mine. I'm more a fan of “Nigel” or “Sgt. Rock” (as we all are

), but an excellent performance on the show I thought despite my reservations...
(31) ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK – Maid Of Orleans (The Waltz Of Joan Of Arc)
A highlight, more so in the context of the superb Architecture album. Pretentious for some but it's hard to resist not tapping a foot to the driving rhythm when it gets going.
I was fortunate enough to be invited to a showcase event for the 'Liberator' album (sans Paul Humphreys) c.1993, with Andy McCluskey performing 3 or 4 tracks live, and while there I regret not asking to be taught the “McCluskey Flail”, although I'm sure like most I could manage a good impression of it after a few sherbets.
Full marks also to the audience member doing some 'air drumming' (In time too, unlike the real one) & Andy McC not demolishing the mic stand mid-flail.
One of my favourite bands for their melodies, and they seem to age with somewhat of a vintage, as their recent material is well worth a listen too.
(18) CHRISTOPHER CROSS – Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do) (video)
A Wika-dee Wika-dee Wika-dee Wack!
He might not be one of the world's most handsome or charismatic performers, but I find Kris Kross' voice a tonic even though by some he's regarded as a bit dull. This track for me I find just 'OK', benefitting hugely by a leg up from the Arthur film.
His self-titled album with Michael McDonald's backing vocals seem more evocative of the sound he aimed for. You can almost smell the seaweed of West Coast America, or it could be bullshit.
“Sailing” & “Ride Like the Wind” are my highlights of his back catalogue.
Cut back to David in the studio, and we have an early appearance by a 'crisp' young Gary Lineker, recently signed up with Manpower Services Commision on the YTS Scheme, with Mentor Dave showing him how it's done. Later on David's going to show Gary how to wrestle a moose. There's bound to be one in the TOTP enclosure.
(8) FOREIGNER – Waiting For A Girl Like You (video)
An extended listen to this live version still does the track no favours, and omitting the first verse doesn't help matters. Maybe there were more bum notes not necessarily in the right order and the footage was unusable. A classic atmospheric track in the right environment (i.e. not live).
(1) BUCKS FIZZ – The Land Of Make Believe
Blimey is it Christmas again?
Most teenage boys would think all their Christmasses had come at once if faced with the vision in white that was Jay Aston in this performance, while poor Rita looked like a strawberry but that's showbiz. Despite cheerleaders taunting the Fizz & inviting them to eat hay, no doubt on a high from their silly string anhilation of the Human League, normal service has been resumed as the Fizz look happy enough running on the spot & Christmas hasn't been moved to January 21.
David's much more relaxed now for the finale as Janice Long's back, even managing to 'bust a move' in celebration. Two Zoo engage in some overdue freestyle fist-pumping and another episode is in the can.
More forensic examination soon at no extra cost and an 8/10 for the show, 8.5 at a push if Phil Lynott got a refund.
Nos da pop pickers