A viewer complains by phone to SyCo
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss? Flack?
Owner SyCo: What do you mean " Miss Flack"
Mr. Praline: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for the Rugby.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this talent show what I started to watch not half an hour ago from this very TV station.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the X Factor What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's doing very well.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead show when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no is not dead, he's, he's crying'! Remarkable bird, the Caroline idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! it's doing very well with catch up, and plus One!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if its alive I'll wake it up! (shouting at the TV) 'Ello, Mister Cowell! I've got a lovely fresh Olly for you if you show...
(owner hits the Ads)
Owner: There, it's interesting.
Mr. Praline: No, it's not that was you hitting the Ads!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the TV repeatedly) 'ELLO SIMON!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your seven o'clock alarm call!
(Can you sing? Simon can you sing? Nick can you sing? Cheryl can you sing?)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead Talent show.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'it's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! The Caroline and Olly stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That show is definitely deceased, and when I started watching it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of content and movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged run here and in the USA!
Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the voice.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the Voice ?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did the show fall flat on is back the moment I got 'im home and switched on.
Owner: The judges prefer keepin' on their back! Remarkable bird, the Caroline id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that show when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been on in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. They kept saying they nailed it, they nailed it. Then they smashed it.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If They hadn't nailed it, they would have smashed it, or owned it, but if I am honest with you the singer would have nuzzled up to the screen bent the speakers apart with its beat and VOOM! Freeview!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this show wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'It's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'It's pining for the voice. Those spinning chairs.
Mr. Praline: 'It's not spinin'! 'It's passed on! It's so 70's This show is no more! It has ceased to be! 'Its expired and gone to meet 'it's producer SyCo! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it in the schedule for three years it be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-Factor!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek in the Radio Times) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Judges.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got Ant and Dec!
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, do they talk English ?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: Look, if you go to BBC1 they have Tess on, and it's very good, she's from near Bolton, she will be better for you, with a Claudia she does talk.
Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes viewer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving Simon alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!